(Old) The Border of Light 1 - Part Two

Hey Ary!

Shady back, yet again, with a review for the second part of your first chapter.

There was nothing that couldn't be fixed with a warm drink, I thought on my way to the kitchen.

~ Thoughts are more clearly recognized as thoughts, when you italicize them. So it could be like this... (There’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a warm drink. I made my way to the kitchen.)

My mother’s surprised voice came

"Mom, first thing in the morning really?"

~ This is phrased awkwardly. Try (“Mom, really? First thing in the morning?}

Sometimes I envied her height.

~ This is a wonderful chance to give us a better view of your MC. How tall *is* she? What does she look like, aside from having dark bags under her eyes and messy hair?

she said, struggling She struggled with the jar lid.

she said. "It would have helped if that hyena did more than complain about the choice of font." [s]she said referring to her editor. [/b]

~ You have three ‘she said’s in one piece of dialogue. You can nix them all. The first one I showed how to correct with the previous example, the second one can be nixed and the dialogue joined together and the third just nix it.

I had gotten carried away

~ Carried away with what? Maybe say “got distracted” or something.

I was so not up to this, even with the headache gone I felt exhausted.

~ Try: (I wasn’t up to this. Even with the headache gone, I felt exhausted.)

asked a gentle female voice.

~ (A gentle female voice asked.) Would be clearer.

~~~

My, my, this story just keeps getting more intriguing the further I read.

You might name the characters, so it’ll be easier to tell when you weave them back into your story. But other than that, you’ve got me very interested.

Keep Writing!

~Shady

Here to review once again!

My name is Omniyus, and I'm once again enthralled by your piece so I'll do it again. (Boy I am on a roll!) I will do this piece of work the same way as the first part of the first chapter.

So, time to start!

The minutes dragged like hours as I lay in my bed, eyes locked onto the fluorescent stars. I used to love those stars, but I

Spoiler

but I had been?

had staring far too long at their unchanging pattern and artificial glow. It simply wasn't the same and I couldn't help but be annoyed at their silly pretense. With a sigh, I dropped my gaze to the gap between the curtains. Pale moonlight streamed into the room but I could not see anything but branches against a dark grey. Somewhere out there under the dark starless sky a lone bird was trying to break through the veil of silence. Desperately calling for it with its feeble voice, it was, no doubt, waiting for the sun to come. The song would stop, but for no more than a moment, never giving up no matter how dark the sky seemed the bird continued to sing. And as morning approached with its first rays of light the song would change, I knew, louder and more cheerful, it would turn into a choir singing the ode to the sun. Every single day the birds would not fail to greet the new dawn. A joy I, unfortunately, could not share.

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I have never read this type of personification before. I love it. For some reason, it almost brought me to tears! Already starting off strong!

Groaning, I reached out for the clock on my nightstand. It was way too early for anything, but I rolled out of bed anyway. A blurry image of myself greeted me in the bathroom mirror and I frowned. Trying to focus spread sharp pain through my head and I gave up, reaching for my toothbrush instead. When I could finally see my reflection with clarity I wished I hadn't. The deep dark circles under my eyes had become too obvious and my frizzy chestnut-brown hair wasn't getting any better with the days.

There was nothing that couldn't be fixed with a warm drink I thought on my way to the kitchen.

Spoiler

Just a thought, but this can be separated with a comma to make it easier to read, or, better yet, this can be italized (sorry, that word is hard to spell for me)

Black tea, strong and fresh would do. I reached for the package in the darkness. With my eyes closed half of the time I made myself a cup. I knew too well where everything was, I didn't need to constantly look to get it. The faint aroma instantly brought a weak smile to my face and the steam warmed up my lungs. I inhaled again, already feeling relaxed and almost ready to face the day.

Splitting pain filled my head once again as the lights flashed on.

"Why're you standing in the dark?" my mother surprised voice came from the other side of the counter. I blinked the almost-tears away and saw her standing there in her pink silk robes and fuzzy slippers.

"Good morning..." I muttered and began wiping the tea that I had spilled all over the counter. I could feel her green gaze fixed upon me. "What?"

"Weren't you supposed to have your hair cut last week?" she said, and eyeing the mess of chestnut locks falling loosely over my eyes came forward to brush them away.

I took a step back my eyebrow arching dramatically. "Mom, first thing in the morning really?"

Spoiler

I love this casual agruement between child and mother. This is one of the many signs of a great author. Well done!

She shrugged letting her hand fall. "Just saying. I can call Jessie for an appointment if you want?"

"I'll do it myself, thanks." I said slipping by her. "There's still water in the kettle."

With a yawn, she fluffed her blond curls and slowly reached up for the coffee on the very last shelf of the top cupboard. Sometimes I envied her height.

"Lots of work today?" My mother wrote articles for a small local magazine, so she didn't usually have to get up before ten.

"Mhm, have a deadline today." she said, struggling with the jar lid. "Still haven't finished that damn fashion show coverage." she said. "It would have helped if that hyena did more than complain about the choice of font." she said referring to her editor.

A smile of triumph slipped over her face. The jar had been successfully pried open.

"Good luck." I said and teacup in hands, sneaked out the kitchen door.

"Don't be late." Her voice followed me up the stairs.



My room was a mess and I had no excuse. I simply hadn't been able to muster the courage to clear it up for the past few days and art supplies were piling around. I moved a stack of books away and over a painting I didn't particularly like and put my tea in the newfound spot. No new messages, no new emails, and no canceled classes. I leaned back into my rotating chair shutting my eyes for a moment in hopes the headache would go away. Nope, no chance. I reached for the small bottle of painkillers instead and devoured two. Only three more clattered in the bottom and I frowned. I was downing them way too fast lately.

Spoiler

Coming from a son with my mother as a nurse, I have to ask what kind of painkillers these are, because if they are strong, downing two at the same time can be traumatic, and sometime have serious consequences for the average person. Unless your main char isn't average...I may be on to something!

Naturally, I had gotten carried away and before I had even realized, time had grown alarmingly short. Panic sprouting in my mind, I rushed downstairs, grabbed my coat, a pair of shoes and rushed out the door. The sun illuminated my face but I had no time to revere its beauty as it shone down at the trees. Breathing steadily, I ran down the still empty sidewalks hoping to catch the bus. I was lucky, I arrived just before it left.

The art academy building used to be a monastery once, now adapted to the needs of a modern educational institution. It was huge with rough grey walls and vast courtyard and I loved its old architecture and tall windows. The sun, having reached just that perfect point in the sky bathed the building in almost divine light and made it seem magnificent, almost like an old castle.

I proudly walked through the big double doors opening into the vast marble-floored entrance hall. It was already booming with students rushing about, appearing and disappearing behind turns, doors and staircases. Shifting the backpack on my shoulders I, myself,

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I don't really see why the myself is needed. It actually just messes up the sentence. I recommend taking it out.

strolled down the polished floor and down the hallway towards my first classroom of the day. My eyes circled the doors until I finally spotted the familiar scratched oak frame. The few classmates I knew greeted me upon my entry and I waved back half heartedly. I was so not up to this, even with the headache gone I felt exhausted. My forced smile faded as I slipped into my seat under one of the huge Venetian windows, and luckily they seemed to busy comparing homework to bother with me.

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I would recommend putting a paragraph here just to help some people out hen reading this. I found this to be the best area to start a new one, but you can use another one.

Exhaling in relief my thought drifted away into the light blue of the sky outside, but my trance was shortly interrupted when the teacher loudly crashed his thick books on the shabby old desk. He proceeded to scribble something with a sound one note away from nails on a chalkboard. I flinched at the sound but forced myself to bear it. The topic of the day was French Neo-Classicism and my lips curved into a smirk. I doubted he could teach me anything new about it. In fact I could probably tell him a few things he didn't know. After all I had witnessed it firsthand. But despite the bore Art History was, I did my best to concentrate on the lesson. I couldn't allow myself to fall behind on my studies, it was too much of a pain to catch up after.

Class after class time flew and before I knew it, it was already noon. I struggled past the crowds of students probably headed for the cafeteria, and made my way toward Study Hall. It was a vast white chamber with beautifully engraved ceiling that was supported by tall ivory Tuscan columns. At one end was the front desk of the library, and the rest of the chamber was filled with worn wooden reading desks. As usual, there was close to no one but a few students flipping through textbooks, or desperately clattering away at their laptop keyboards. I could bet they were trying to finish a project or two in time.

My destination was a table at the far corner by the windows and the courtyard door. Sliding into one of the four chairs, I dug into my bag for my book. I didn't have much to study so I figured I'd relax with the new novel I was reading. There were a few candy bars on the bottom of my bag and I took them out as well. Chocolate would do me wonders right about then.

"Mind if I sit here?" asked a gentle female voice.

Without lifting head from the book I murmured: "Yeah sure..."

I heard her pull a chair and saw her feet dangling at the spot across me. From the corner of my eye I saw her leaning on her elbows and staring out the windows. She sat there for a while doing nothing but that and after I turned a few pages I began to feel annoyed. If she wasn't going to read or study what was she doing in the study hall.

Spoiler

I think a question mark should be here instead of a period.

"Such a nice weather today, isn't it? The sky's so clear..." she said a smile in her blue eyes.

"Yeah, it sure is great." I uttered trying not to interrupt my reading.

"Interesting book?" she inquired.

Finally lifting my head to meet her dark blue eyes I said, "Yeah it is."

I continued to stare, waiting for her to state what it was she needed but all she did was look away.

"Too bad it will rain." she said and I shifted my gaze between her and the blue sky behind me. There wasn't a trace of cloud out there.

Spoiler

It is kind of redundant to think that and then say it. I think you should change the wording of one of them or something along those lines.

My eyebrow arched. "There isn't a cloud in the sky." I pointed out and she smiled. It had been a long time since I entered the academy, but I still hadn't gotten used to all of its eccentricities.

"That doesn't mean it won't rain." she said as a gust of wind tousled her black locks almost like a shampoo commercial. She quickly brushed them out of her face and readjusted her hair-do.

"Do I know you?" I asked, baffled by her presence.

She laughed softly. "Who knows...?"

Who knows? What did she mean by who knows? I tried to not let my brow furrow.

"Ahm..." I uttered, and it was then that my gaze caught a glimpse of the big clock hanging from the ceiling. Shoving the book in my bag, I shot from my chair.

Once again I had completely lost track of the time.

"See ya," she said as I passed her by.

I halted, glancing back at her smiling face. "See you..." I answered with much reluctance before continuing on my way.

Weird, weird girl.



When I entered my next classroom the silly little encounter was already erased from my active memory. Soon it was over and I was waking across the courtyard and to the bus stop. A drop of water roll

Spoiler

rolled

down my face and looking up I saw the clouds that had gathered in the sky. I hadn't even realized when the sun had faded behind the thick curtain of gray. In mere seconds the rain was pouring down in torrents.

One again, I am amazed at this story and cannot wait to read the next part. I felt like I was that person. Feeling everything they were feeling and that isn't something that happens to me very much anymore. Bravo.

Overall, this piece is great. Like it's part before this, I give it a 9 out of 10.

I hoped this helped you.

Omniyus

Hello, MaryEvens
Let me start this review off by saying I really enjoyed your story.
The description was wonderful and I truly felt like I was following the character.

She nodded at the tray again and facing my silence headed for the door

This sentence seems to confuse itself, I would consider revising it, as 'silence' doesn't really fit it well.

All in all, wonderful story.