Hey yall I have changed the last paragraph a little bit due to a change in plot.
It’s been a week since we moved in and things are going as they usually do. Mom is finishing up unpacking, Dad’s already begun attempting to fix up the house, and Josie’s been trying to figure out the best place to put all her stuff. I don’t know why she bothers. It’s not like we stay in any house we move into for long.
I used the same formula, as always. My brown bed with light blue sheets in the right corner with my equally brown nightstand to its left, my gray desk with black legs in the left corner with my tin trash can under it, and my navy dresser wherever I have room. I actually wrote this down on my hand the other day so I wouldn’t forget.
Usually, we move into at least a semi-nice house. But this time around we ended up moving into this doghouse. The outside used to be a chestnut brown but since then has faded into a tan covered in green moss. On the inside, there is not a single place in it that doesn’t have a crack in the floorboard, a rip in the wallpaper, or a hole in the ceiling. Dad says he will fix it up soon but I’m not so sure. This might be a bit childish of me but sometimes I feel like there is something there waiting for me to let my guard down, so I don’t.
The only thing this house really has going for it is the property. There are twenty acres of it with a pine forest, a little pond with fish and ducks, and a small barn that Dad wants to turn into a game room. I like every part of it besides the forest. I don't know what it is about it but I feel it's haunted. I keep hearing all kinds of sounds coming from inside of it. It's probably just frogs and turkeys but it still gives me the creeps. At least I have school tomorrow.
Good job! I'm definitely interested to see what happens next. I like that your narrator is detailed and precise, trying to create some sort of routine in his chaotic and constantly changing life. I like the foreshadowing of "Usually, we move into at least a semi-nice house. But this time around we ended up moving into this doghouse." Something's going to be different this time. My critique for you is that the last paragraph doesn't have the same character voice as the rest of the story, you might want to take that one around the block one more time. Thank you for your story, and good luck with the next chapter!
Hi MapleWay,
Mailice here with a short review! 
For a first chapter or prologue, it's very solid. In the first paragraph, you introduce the narrator's family and you can get a good idea of the situation right away because you connect the individual members with an activity.
It's not like we stay in any house we move into for long.
I used the same formula, as always. My brown bed with light blue sheets in the right corner with my equally brown nightstand to its left, my grey desk with black legs in the left corner with my tin trash can under it, and my navy dresser wherever I have room. I actually wrote this down on my hand the other day so I wouldn't forget.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm..this was a pretty good first chapter. Feels like its maybe missing just a couple...of things but for the most part it's not all that bad and I think it would make for a pretty interesting story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
It’s been a week since we moved in and things are going as they usually do. Mom is finishing up packing, Dad’s already begun attempting to fix up the house, and Josie’s been trying to figure out the best place to put all her stuff. I don’t know why she bothers. It’s not like we stay in any house we move into for long.
I use the same formula, as always. Bed in the right corner with a nightstand to its left, desk in the left corner with a trashcan under it, and my dresser wherever I have room. I actually wrote this down on my hand the other day so I wouldn’t forget.
Usually, we move into at least a semi-nice house. But this time around we ended up moving into this doghouse. There is not a single place in it that doesn’t have a crack in the floorboard, a rip in the wallpaper, or a hole in the ceiling. Dad says he will fix it up soon but I’m not so sure. This might be a bit childish of me but sometimes I feel like there is something there waiting for me to let my guard down, so I don’t.
The only thing this house really has going for it is the property. There is a little forest, a little pond, and a barn that Dad wants to turn into a game room. It is pretty cool but I have always been a bit more of an inside guy. Though I doubt it will be long before Mom kicks me out to get some fresh air. At least I have school tomorrow.
I took a lot of your ideas and changed it up a tiny bit. Also since it was pretty short I decided to change it into a prologue.
This story has a very nice flow to it. The way that you described the room was simply splendid. I find myself looking for more, I feel like I am missing something. The first line doesn't really suck you in as much as it makes me feel like I am coming in missing something. I can't wait for what you come up with. Also side note, I really don't get a fantasy vibe, and I don't really get humor, but otherwise nice story.
Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it!
It’s been a week since we moved in and things are going as they usually do. Mom is finishing up packing, Dad’s already begun attempting to fix up the house, and Josie’s been trying to figure out the best place to put all her stuff. I don’t know why she bothers. It’s not like we stay in any house we move into for long.
I use the same formula, as always. Bed in the right corner with a nightstand to its left, desk in the left corner with a trashcan under it, and my dresser wherever I have room. I actually wrote this down on my hand the other day so I wouldn’t forget.
Usually, we move into at least a semi-nice house. But this time around we ended up moving into this doghouse. There is not a single place in it that doesn’t have a crack in the floorboard, a rip in the wallpaper, or a hole in the ceiling. Dad says he will fix it up soon but I’m not so sure. This might be a bit childish of me but sometimes I feel like there is something there waiting for me to let my guard down, so I don’t.
The only thing this house really has going for it is the property. There is a little forest, a little pond, and a barn that Dad wants to turn into a game room. It is pretty cool but I have always been a bit more of an inside guy. Though I doubt it will be long before Mom kicks me out to get some fresh air. At least I have school tomorrow.
Hello, ForeverYoung299 here for a review.
This was a great start. The description of the house was good. I think the house is nearby(at least not so far) to the earlier house because you stated that you have school tomorrow. And it takes time for admission in a school.
Glows:
This was a great start. I liked the way you introduced the characters and a bit about their personality. And I genuinely liked writing in 1st person, although it is hard to find such in my works. .
Grows:
You could provide some more descriptions of the characters. In the second line there was a part called mom is finishing up packing
That line is vague. Why was your mom packing after coming to a new house? You could use arranging each and everything in proper places instead of packing. I don't know what you intended to say. If you tell me I can suggest a better replacement.
I don't think dog house is a good word there. I understood you used it as a metaphor but then also it's not that suitable. You can search for any other word to describe. Umm.. You can use the word dilapidated. You have to flesh out the characters at any cost.
Suggestions–
The first line isn't that catchy. If a reader has thousands of works to read, the reader might not choose your work. I can't suggest any first line because I don't know what the novel is about. You can describe your relationship with Josie. I wanna know what your novel is about.
Overall, a very good work. Can you pls tag me in the next chapter?
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