Young Writers Society

Hi MapleWay,

Mailice here with a short review!

To compare with the prologue, I can tell you've improved. I noticed it in your descriptions and also in your structure. What I liked was that you got a better look into Noah's personality and what he thinks of school.

What I think could be improved are the short thoughts Noah has. To make them stand out more from the text, I would write them in a tilted font so that you can now distinguish whether they are his thoughts or the narrator's text.

I also found that the second half of the chapter ended very quickly and fast. I initially thought there was more to come. I don't know what advice I can give you to make your chapters work in the second half as well as the first half (because you did it very well there; Noah getting up, his routine in the morning and his thoughts all the way to the bus ride.) but my advice would be to make a little list of bullet points of what to include.
You can also do this after you've finished a chapter and where you think the text could be expanded a bit.

Otherwise, I thought it was a good chapter. You get to see more of Noah's character. But what remains a mystery is the title of the story and what is going to happen. I am curious!

Mailice.

I like the beginning of this story, the end seems a little rushed though, which doesn't really help with the flow. I like how you highlighted the character of Noah. Classe's, should be classes. "each classe’s curriculum." I like how your dialogue flows, I find that that's the one most people struggle with. So far it really is a nice story.

Nice job! You established Noah's character very well. I have two critiques: "'Where do you live?' Oh no! It was the dreaded question! He would have to tell him in hopes of not being rude." is a little clunky. The "Oh no!" comes across as sarcastic, since that's normally how people use it. Aside from that, Jack and Noah's conversation is hard to follow, you might want to put in a few dialogue tags. Other than that, you did well! Good luck with the next chapter.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...as far as first chapters go, I think this one does a pretty good job. I actually liked it a quite a bit, for a storyline like what you've got here, this is a pretty decent introduction to the characters that will be playing the big roles, a little thing on general setting but that's okay. And interesting enough to hook readers I think.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Time to get up!" Noah's mom shouted while walking by his door. His eyes fluttered open, not comprehending the command he had just been given. He turned on his side and took a look at the clock. His eyes grew wide with fear as he sprung out of bed. "8:15," it said in bold neon red font. The bus would be here in fifteen minutes and he hadn't done squat.

He quickly got dressed, brushed his teeth, packed his lunch, and put his favorite cap on. It was his favorite not because of how it looked, but because of the memories it brought him. He had gotten it before what he had decided to call, "The Great Move." He had a minute or so until the bus arrived so he decided to sit outside and eat a breakfast bar while he waited for it to arrive.

While waiting, he thought about his ideal school day. He decided his ideal school day would consist of three things. One, he had at least one nice, comfortable seat in the very back of one of his classes. Two, he was able to somewhat understand the curriculum. And three, he wouldn’t make any new friends. He was abruptly awakened from his little fantasy when the bus came. He got up from the rock he was sitting on and climbed aboard.

The bus driver gave him a faint smile that was obviously fake, and gestured with her hand to take a seat. He did so and took an empty window seat in the third row. It looked as if no one was going to take the seat next to him, until a boy with baggy jeans, black sneakers, and a navy V-neck t-shirt got on. He looked at Noah and smiled, but it wasn't a fake smile like the one the bus driver had given him. It was a pure, genuine smile. Noah knew this meant he would be coming over and plopping his blackish-grey bag right next to him. He was right.

"Hey!" he said, still holding the same smile he had before, "I'm Jack. What's your name?" Noah looked over at him responded in his best, "Oh, I just noticed you were there" smile.

"Um, my name is Noah."

"That's a cool name! Are you new here?" Noah, wanting to end this conversation as soon as possible, gave a simple nod.

"That's cool. Where do you live?" Oh no! It was the dreaded question! He would have to tell him in hopes of not being rude. He only wished Jack wouldn't put this information to any use, considering he only lives a couple of houses down.

"Um, just a bit down that way." He pointed back in the direction of his house.

"Do you mean that small house with the big forest, pond, and barn?" Oh gosh, he knew.

"Um, ya."

"That house has been abandoned for years!"

"Really?" he asked. Pretending he hadn't known.

"Ya! I've always thought that place was so cool!"

"Ya! The house its self isn't the best but I don't tend to do much inside besides eat, sleep, and do my homework." Suddenly, the bus pulled up to the school.

"Oh, I guess I'll see you later." Jack sighed.

"See you," Noah replied. For the rest of the day, he was thinking about what Jack had said. "Is it really that nice? Have I been overreacting?" These thoughts brought back a feeling he direly hated. The feeling of uncertainty. When it came to the rest of the day, he ended up having six seats in the front of the class and one in the middle, all of which were very uncomfortable. He also had a hard time understanding each classe’s curriculum due to the fact he couldn’t get his mind off what Jack had said. He got home, spent a couple of hours on homework, and fell asleep.

Hello! Forever young for a short review.

Why did you change the perspective??? In the prologue, you wrote in first person, which was very cool but you changed the person- here you wrote in third person. I think you should not change it. Write in first person or third person- whichever suits you the best.

The beginning was rather common. You can get an other beginning. The rest of the story, I was hooked throughout. I enjoyed the story. Waiting for the next chapter. Well done with it.
Enjoyed reading!!!
Bye!!!!

*Irish accent*

Hello there, Sir/Lady Maple! We're here to give you our totally objective and necessary opinion on your work of literature.

It's an interesting premise to be sure, although we're not entirely certain yet why it's classified as a fantasy, seeing as how it seems to be set in the modern era.

Noah intrigues us. He seems to be...rather paranoid. We understand the mentality of introversion, being scholarly we get our fair share of criticism, but Noah seems to be overly suspicious when it comes to people in general. Although this could be Noah being very meta and knowing that as he is the protagonist of a story, one of his friends must betray him.

We do have a question about the setting though. It seems odd (to us) that Noah would live in an area with a barn, in what we assume is his backyard, but still live near enough people to warrant a bus route. Perhaps this is meant to be a shed? Don't listen to us if we're off base. Quite often we don't give enough description as we can picture the scene perfectly in our minds.

Turning to the more positive, you've written Jack's character extremely well. As he's coming from Noah's point of view (an extreme introvert we assume) he's meant to be almost unbearably friendly and affable and that's exactly what he comes off as.

We also appreciate your style of writing. It's succinct. A while back we tried to write a murder mystery, realized we didn't have the patience for it, and the story suffered for it. Because of this, we realized we appreciate a snappy story. Yours delivers, it gets the point across. However, that's not to say it's too quick. You do a good job of crossing that divide between details and moving the plot forward.

All in all, we wish you well on this story, it seems to be going well so far!

Sláinte,

The Cidrian Writer's Guild

Hi MapleWay, Spearmint here for a review! Overall, I really enjoyed this first chapter and I'm looking forward to seeing what will happen next c: On to some feedback...

"Time to get up!" Noah's mom shouted while walking by his door.

And three, he wouldn’t make any new friends.

Oh no! It was the dreaded question! He would have to tell him in hopes of not being rude.

"Ya! I've always thought that place was so cool!"

"Seriously?"

"Ya! The house its self isn't the best but I don't tend to do much inside besides eat, sleep, and do my homework."

When it came to the rest of the day, he ended up having six seats in the front of the class and one in the middle, all of which were very uncomfortable. He also had a hard time understanding each classe’s curriculum due to the fact he couldn’t get his mind off what Jack had said.

Hey hey! I'm here for a review!
The first thing I noticed was the use of dialogue as the first line. It's one of my personal favorite ways to open a story (especially because I'm not always the best with opening lines XD) but because it also shows the reader that this is actually a story, not just a retelling of events.
During that conversation between Jack and Noah, I really liked how you added little tidbits of what Noah was thinking. "Oh gosh he knew" and "pretending he didn't know"- nice touches! It helped us get to know Noah a bit better.

At the beginning, you write that he was in a really big hurry then suddenly he had a minute to spare. It's a little inconsistent and I think that it might be better if he was running a little bit late to foreshadow the rest of the day going poorly and not as he had planned.

The other thing I have to say is that for most of the first chapter, we don't know that it's Noah's first day at school and we have to infer that he's antisocial. The inferring is awesome but it might be a good idea to include a little more context about the new school and stuff and that the move was recent?

Besides that, I think this can be a great story!
Peace and Tacos be with you!