Ye jo mehsoos kar rhi hu main,
Ye kya kho gayi hu main?
Ya apno se zyada ab apni ho gayi hu main?
Ye jo lag rha hai jaise tuta hai ek sapna—
Ye dard kisi mrityu ka hai,
Ya koi prasav anubhav kar rhi hu main? (Prasav- childbirth)
Ye jo dam ghutta hai jaise doob rhi hu main—
Ye maut mere kareeb aa rhi hai,
Ya ab nayi udan ki dahleez pr hu main?
Ye kaisa ajeeb sa mod hai,
jo mujhe mud kar shuruwaati bindu tak le jaa rha hai—
kyu un murda sapno me dobara saans phoonkna chah rhi hu main?
Prashna anek hain, uttar bhi…
Pr jawab dene wala sirf ek.
Lekin… yahan bhi ek prashna hai—
jisse naraz rehne ki thani thi maine,
usi ki taraf kyu khinchi chali ja rahi hoon main?
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hello there, MangledSoul! This is Alex, here with a review. It's extremely rare to see a Hindi poem here on YWS. I realise this puts you at a natural disadvantage and so I thought to help out a fellow Indian. I'm not sure how helpful I'll prove to be, given I'm not an avid reader of Hindi poems. But you've got my word- this reviewer shall do his best.
I'll be switching between both the languages as per convenience, hoping that won't be a problem for you. I'm afraid the roots of my mother language have unfortunately rusted to review solely in Hindi. Let's get started!
To begin with, the title. Aapne jis prakar puri kavita ko matr do shabdo me sanshepit kar dikhaya, uski jitni prashansa ki jaaye, kam hai. Yeh shirshak dil me itni jatil bhavnao ko utpan karata hai, adbhut!
Mujhe aapki ye anokhi shuruvat behad pasand aayi. The poetess begins with a question- what more beautiful way to show the doubts and unclarity she finds herself drowning in? The reader is pulled in a state of uncertainty with no prior warning. Just when we were expecting the poetess to lead us by the finger to the theme of the poetry like a small child, we explore that she's lost herself! There's a subtle terror and fear in the situation, and that's what makes it special.
How very deeply philosophical! The words 'apno' and 'apni' are so similiar that you miss out the difference in the first glance. But the striking meaning this sentence imposes is unmistakable to ignore. It's almost reminiscent of a spiritual bhakt, filled with devotion who has now attained self awareness. She's become one with her soul- wonderfully poetic.
Pain accompanies both life and death- you captured that so effortlessly here. Is something within the poetess dying or is it the beginning of a new her? She asks so herself and the reader is left to speculate.
This part was particularly graphic to me. The personification of death being an unexpected use of poetic devices on your end. Mano kavyetri ke man me ek ajeeb si bechaini hai- parantu vo maut ke dar ki hai ya ek nai udaan bharne ki, is sawal se kavyetri swam jhunjh rahi hai. Apke ye sateek shabd kavyetri ke andar umadte tufan ka atyant khubsurati ke saath varnan karte hai.
Magnificent! There's an undeniable rawness to this line that really caught my eye. It paints such a vivid imagery in front of my eyes, I'm in awe.
Savalo se bhari ek kavita ka ant ek vyapak satya ke sath- ek upyukt nirnay. Kavyetri ke in aneko prashno ka uttar keval ishwar hi de sakte hai, is baat ka sarvjanik swikar kavita ko aastha ke vishay ki or mod ek naya chehra pradan karta hai. Jo ab tak ek asimit prashno ka pahad tha, unhi ke piche se surya saman ubharte bhagwan ki sarvgyani kirane kavyetri ko vishwas se bhar deti hai.
This part personally resonated with me. Despite always complaining and resenting Him for all the difficulties showered upon me, why do I find myself kneeling at the threshold of every mandir I cross? Perhaps it's my unconditional love for God that makes it so difficult to stay upset at Him for too long. Mysterious are His wondrous ways.. ishwar ki ye maya va rahasyamev gruhutvakarshan insan ki samajh ke pare hai.
Overall, shattering poetry! Questions trouble the poetess but Almighty, being all knowledgeable, offers her a solution to all her problems. At the end however, she is unable to justify her unseen connection to Him, that pulls her closer despite the resentments she holds against.
I don't have much to suggest here, everything looks fine to me. It is my opinion, however, that the short length of the poem presented you an opportunity to play around with the structure s little bit, so as to reflect creativity. But I wouldn't say anything is wrong in the current form.
Mujhe yaha par ek viram ka aabhas hua. Jis tarah se 'lekin' shabd shesh wakya se kata hua hai, vah thoda vichitr vyatit ho raha hai. Mera sujhav hai ki ise vakya ke ant me dal diya jaaye, use kavita ka pravah bana rahega-
yahan bhi ek prashna hai lekin —
Rest all worked brilliantly, thank for such a great read. It really quenched my thrist to consume some meaningful and spiritually fulfilling poetry. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Isi prakar achi kavitaye likhte rahiye, aasha hai ki bhavishya me mujhe aapki anya kavitae padhne ka saobhagya milega.
Thank you so much Alex for taking out the time to write this review. I really like it when someone understands the depths of my poetry. Also for some reason I loved how you've called me poetess or kaviyatri, I've never been called or called myself that actually...
For someone who writes so beautifully, being called poetess (what you precisely are) is the least you deserve! I'm surprised this is actually the first time. Also, you're very welcome! Reading and reviewing this was worth every second to me.
Hello there! I'm canopy, and I'm dropping by to review this lovely poem of yours! Now I don't usually review poetry but there are very few Hindi speaking people on the site and it would be a real shame if your work didn't get the attention it deserves simply because of a language barrier! Now let's get into it!
Mujha appki yeh shuruaat bauth achi lagi. Seedhai hai kho jane ke sath appne ke tharh sai punah janam ki bath kar de aur seedhe seedhe padhthe hee hume patha chalta hai ke shayad kho jane aur uske dard ke sath achee cheezay bhi aa sakti hai. Yeh appke liye ek tharhe ka mouko ho saktha hai. Ek mouka jo appko aage jakar zyada kabil bana sakta hai aur mene voh tutai huai supnai ki bath bhi dhyan mai rakha hai.
Mujhe phele panktiyo ko padhke yeh jaldi samaj aatha hai ki tute sapno se jo dard aur dukh aatha hai - voh appko poori tarah se badal sakta hai, abh yeh acha hey ya burah voh to aap par hee seemith hai.
Mere hisab se yeh appki kavita ka dil hai. Mujhe yeh bahuth he zyada acha laga. sapna tootne ke baad jo kisi par beedthe hai voh appne bahuth achi tarah se dikhaya hai. aandar hee aandar sabhi ko bahuth he zyada burah lagtha hai, dukh hota hai, nafrath hoti hai lekein voh aanth nahi hotha hai. aage jakar kya patha, shayad is pal ki vajah sai appko koi aur behether mouka mil jaye, shayad appko is dard ki zaroorath thi, appko banane ke liye.
aagr yaha pe kuch sujhav mujhe dena hai to me yeh kahungi ki is pankit mai
hai and jaise ke beech mai koi rukav hona chahiye kyoki sath mai yeh dona ja nehi rahe aur yeh alag panktiya honi chahiye.
wah kya aanth tha yeh! appne ek tarah se kavita ka aanth bhi kiya lekin jaathe huai ithne prashn chodke chale gaye. pehele to mujhe laga ki app Bhagwan ki bath kar rahi hai lekin phir naraz hone ki bath aaye or me staghdh ho gaye. Aakir koi Bhaghwan se naraz hone ki kyu thanega? phir mujhe laga ki shaayad yeh koi parivaar walla hoga, yeh toh ma yeh pithji aisa koi hoge. Lekin voh bhi zyada theek se baiththa nahi. Jawab dene walla sifr ek.
Mere jisab se toh jawab dena walla to vakth hi hotha hai, lekin mujhe yeh bhi jana hai ki appko kya lagatha hai, jawab kaun detha hai?
Vaise toh mujhe appki yeh kavita bahuth achi laage, padhke mujhe bauth maza aaya! :3
That's it from my side!! Please remember that everything my expressed here is my personal opinion (and I'm no professional!) so please take what you find helpful and leave the rest. It was great reviewing this poem of yours, if you have any questions please feel free to reach out!
Hope you have a wonderful day/night!
~ canopy
Thank you so much canopy for the review and I'm not expert either. Yes in the last lines I'm referring to god only.
Ah thanks for the clarification!