आज तुमने भी साथ छोड़ दिया,
मेरे साथ होते अन्याय से
तुमने भी अपना मुँह मोड़ लिया।
शायद तुम्हें ये अन्याय लगता ही नहीं,
तुम तो सहती आई हो।
ऐसे दरिंदों के साथ तुम
मुझसे भी ज़्यादा रहती आई हो।
देखो, मन फिर भी तुम्हें
समझने की कोशिश करता है।
तुम्हें ग़लत मान लेने से
ये पागल अब भी डरता है।
तुमने बचाया हर बाहरी वार और दर्द से,
तुमने ही परिचय कराया सामर्थ्य से।
समझना चाहती हूँ तुम्हें, पर…
ये सब तो ग़लत है ना?
अपनी बेटी ना सही,
एक औरत का साथ तो
औरत देती है ना?
हाँ, हर घाव पर
प्यार से मरहम लगाया तुमने।
पर यहाँ तो तुम
चोट लगने से बचा सकती थी ना?
एक बार… सिर्फ एक बार,
मेरे पक्ष में आवाज़ उठा सकती थी ना?
और अब तुम मनाने की कोशिश करती हो,
अपनी ममता दिखाने की कोशिश करती हो।
पर, पता है मुझे क्या दिखता है?
तुम खड़ी हो मेरे सामने।
तुम्हारी आँखों में आँसू हैं।
तुम खड़ी हो मेरे सामने,
तुम्हारी आँखों में आँसू हैं…
पर तुम मौन हो।
मेरी भी आँखों में आँसू हैं।
मेरी भी आँखों में आँसू हैं।
थोड़ा धुंधला दिख रहा है, माँ…
अब मुझे नहीं पता, तुम कौन हो।
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139,931 Literary Works • 672,749 Reviews
Hi! Eucalyptusjoos here; this is my first review on one of your works.
The subject of the poem is a little unclear at first, like painting pixels of a picture you can only see when you step back and take it all in. I initially thought it could be a traitorous friend, or an old lover, but I soon realized the only irredeemable great love of our lives is our mother.
I love how aptly and realistically you've conveyed the essence of the Indian Mother: the one who has spent her entire life under the thumb of the patriarchy, and knows no other path that the one of conformity; for both herself and her future generation of daughters.
She loves her daughter most ardently, but always a little less than the son or the male family member. She has become so used to bearing the weight of complaints of other family members, relatives and society that she has stopped speaking out her own. She has no expectation of justice for her rights or importance because she has never known a world where she could be just as important, as seriously taken as the male members of her family. Therefore, her default has tragically become one of subservience, a visage that lacks complaint, or supplication and sacrifice is the theme of her life.
She has been passed over again and again, thus she sees no fault over continuing the wretched "tradition" and doing the same to her daughter.
She never has and likely never will rise as a witness to the trial for righteousness in her daughter's matters because she does not know the concept of one for women. Any blame that gets put on her is automatically declared true, and she can do nothing but ask for forgiveness, often for things where she is instead owed the forgiveness.
The girl of the modern world is not so eager or brainwashed as to play along with this gross "tradition" of overturning her rights; she is rightfully angry at the world but even more so at her mother who will not speak out for her; who will not dare meet her eyes when all the girl demands is a little support, someone to speak out in favor of her.
I like the casual involvement of rhyming you've accommodated.
While the womanhood we know is standing up for one another, of empowering each other and reinforcing ourselves against a "Man's World", the womanhood they know is a community formed over similar ties of oppression disguised as subservience, with no one willing to stand up for one of their own as it may well destroy them.
The vocabulary and rhyme scheme, along with lines per para can be worked on a little, but the tone is excellent. Good job! <3
Hey there, Mangled Soul! It's been a while.. Anyways, this is Alex, back with a review. Forgive me if I'm a little rusty though, I've been trying to get back into the habit of reviewing after my long break. I saw you posted a new work and I knew it was the perfect place to get back into action. Let's get started right away!
First and foremost, I love the use of devanagri lipi for this!! Hindi really shines best in it's home script. Having typed hindi before, I know how much of a hastle it can be. All the appreciation for going above and beyond for this thus, to give your poem an authentic touch.
Let's discuss the theme now. The poetess seems to be complaining, and we don't find out to who, that is her own mother, until the third stanza. I like that you included the translation 'complaint' to give even the non-hindi speakers and idea of what's really going on. The scene of the poetry is simple - a first person narration directed to a single subject. It looks like a silent confrontation, drenched in emotions and disappointment. She's asking for answers as to why she was let down by the woman who raised her since a child. The poetess doesn't want to hate her mother for turning her eyes away from her struggling daughter- she's trying to make up every excuse not to. But it's clear that she's not about to let this betrayal slide merely at the name of blood or motherly debt. She's fighting against injustice, and is not afraid to hold her own mother accountable for not joining her in the cause.
I see quite a few great ideas touched on here, be it of abuse or passing down of generational trauma. The complexity and brutal realism in the portrayal of the mother's character is impeccable writing. Despite her innocent qualities, one can see a glimpse of unintentional manipulation in the her ways where she tries to convince the poetess afterwards with her motherly affection. It captures their role and habits so well, making the reader effortlessly relate to their own experiences. She is easy to sympathize to, as she had endured much herself. Though her action don't match the confrontational tone of her daughter, you know she'd also want the patriarchy dead. But the world has broken too much in her to express and struggle for that desire. It's sad really, that the poetess questions her loyalty in such a fragile state. But as the daughter, she has every right to. She wanted support and it's fair to expect from her very own mother who understands the situation well, being a victim herself. But alas, her mother has surrendered to the system years ago. I found the part where you mention 'woman supporting woman' a nice jab at societal jealously among women, that often puts them against each other. The end is specifically my favourite part, where repeated depiction of tears moves the reader the core. It beautifully shows that at the end of the day, both the women are united in shared hurt and struggle against a male dominated society.
In itself, the poem works great but here a few suggestions you could work on-
1) Clarity of event: Throughout the poem, some conflict is hinted at but never penned down clearly. What has exactly been the injustice to the poetess that the mother has turned a blind eye to? I believe it's got something to do with patriarchy, which could range from generalized to pretty grave themes. I really think the poem could've benefitted from some intentional direction of story writing.
2) Poetic devices: I feel the poem could use a little more of these. Add a metaphor comparing the pain the poetess felt after witnessing the lack of support from her own mother to perhaps boulders collapsing, waves crashing down or a star going dark? Imagery is another thing the poem missed, something these examples can easily rectify. The poetess is convincing her mother in the fight despite her being hopeless for so long. That drama and desperation can be conveyed better with more poetic elements here.
3) Closure: The ending is good, but I was expecting something more definitive. The repetition of tears was with good intention but looks overdone to deliver the ending, without offering any real conclusion to the plot. Perhaps show burnt bridges, the poetess giving out another chance for her mother to support her this time, or the mother joining the poetess in the cause by the end. I feel like the reader was robbed of that sense of satisfaction here which could've been rather easily achieved.
Well, all these are just my personal take. Please take what you find helpful and leave the rest. Overall, the poem was a great piece with crude writing. But some poetic refining would only help. It was a pleasure to review this, thanks for sharing. Hope to read more from you soon!
Love,
Alex
Thanks for you review, Alex. Glad you're back. While I'm really grateful for your suggestions, I'd like to tell you my pov n the essence of this poem as well. I can't give you the clarity of the event bcz I think I'm already being quite vulnerable here. Your second point, yes ik it doesn't have a lot of imagery that's bcz the whole poem is simply or not so simply an emotion. Lastly Closure, again I've just put down emotions on paper, it was not a fictional story, so unfortunately I can't decide or change the ending, sorry to rob the sense of satisfaction from you ig. But I love your reviews, so please keep reviewing my work.
Love,
V