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18+ Violence Mature Content

Wildfire in a Wildfire

by MandlynProductions


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

(To clear up any confusion before the story begins, this is a story about someone with Multiple Personality Disorder.)

Nathaniel

Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, and thirty. All thirty of the dishes have been tallied up and washed. I had to use the bottles of water delivered today to wash the dishes since the sink won’t work today; hasn’t worked in five years since the drought started. For me I think that’s a good thing: I don’t know why but whenever I have to drink a glass of water I look away from the glass and the water while I drink. Since the drought has started I am starting to question why California is called the Golden State - maybe they could do away with some of that gold and get the sinks working. Anyway, I don’t like to go out, there are too many people and lots of windows - I can’t put my finger on why but I can’t stand windows. I don’t hate them enough to smash them or anything but I always find myself looking away from them. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a job and still am living in my mother’s basement; at least there I don’t have to deal with any windows or glasses of water. I have been living in my mother’s basement since I got out of high school. No, I’m not being held hostage in my mother’s basement, I choose to live here. I am really thankful that my mom is supporting me. I haven’t spoken to anyone else for ten months. I have heard from my mom that there have been some really bad forest fires around here; I hope none of those forest fires make their way close. Oh, and speaking of my mom. I hear the basement phone ringing; she is the only person who knows my number (aside from the inevitable telemarketers and wrong numbers), she is the only person who calls. “Hello…

Beverly

“Hello Meverly Beverly, how has your day been?”

I have to respond with the most luscious of answers, because I am Beverly, and Beverly is nothing but fabulous.

“I’ve had a good day, good day, how has yours been?”

My mother helped to raise me, she has made me into one of the most intricate people I know, and only a woman in her class could have made me into something as fabulous as this.

“My day is fabulous, now that I am talking to you.”

My mom always knows how to make me smile, even when I am living in her basement she knows how fabulous I am.

“So my beautiful mother, I don’t mean to be rude but why did you call me, is there an emergency?”

I am waiting for a response, my body as silent as that of the other line.

“Yes, there is an emergency but it’s only a possibility but there might be a wildfire around your area: it’s not guaranteed but what to do when there is a fire right?”

Of course I knew what to do, I was taught in home schooling stop drop and roll whenever there is a fire.

“Stop drop and roll.”

I knew I was right by the tone of her voice, she knows how important for me it is to be right.

“Well, have a fabulous day Beverly.”

Jerry

“I will be sure to have a good day mom, let’s hope the same thing happens to you, and tell that to dad as well, he has been away on a business trip for as long as I can remember.”

I love my dad, even though he has been away as long as I can remember, I still recall all the great experiences I have had with him. My mom is just as loving and empathetic as my dad, they have both been there for me throughout my life and I love them both very dearly. Even though my dad has been on a business trip to Italy for over a decade, funny, I forgot to hang up the telephone. Maybe for a birthday present my dad can get me a smart phone like I see mom with sometimes. I think later I’ll ask mom about what dad is doing and how much longer he will stay in Italy, and if he will take me on a vacation. Even though this basement is the place I spend the most time in, this place gets kind of lonely. I think I will go outside and check the weather, there might be a forest fire today according to the radio in the basement. I think I won’t, if I go outside I might spoil the big surprise my dad has for me. I think I hear my mom calling me again. Dad, is that you?

Nathaniel

“Listen carefully Nathaniel, there is a forest fire in our area, you need to leave the house and go to the beach.”

Wow, I was just thinking of what it would be like to go to the beach. Regardless, I should put on some sandals and head to the beach.

“I’ll be on my way soon, talk to you later.”

After my mom says goodbye, it would be in my best interest to run away from the house, cars are fire hazards, and if I take a bike, it will be difficult to avoid obstacles in time.

“Bye Nathaniel, don’t come back to the house until the fires are out.”

Alright, now I should leave, who knows when the fire will be here. It would be best to take the bike, its fast and will leave some room if there are obstacles. I smell something on fire, I had better leave. Making my way out of the house, I scrambled through the doors of the house, opening the front door and getting on the undersized bicycle and started pedaling. Pedaling down the street I saw a brown dog…

Julia

After watching the marvelous creature with my very reflective eyelids, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the day was, but most beautiful of all was the glowing hot sun. I stared at it for an impressive ten seconds before my retinas started to burn in agony. I turned to the road to notice a vivid stop sign with a beautiful red covered by a dull white telling me to stop my ever-increasing speed. Since the only car seems to be going the other way I can skip the stop sign without anybody noticing or caring. Zooming to the center of the road with great speed I saw that a simple miscalculation had led me to perceive the car to be going the other way because I see the lights that are at the front of a car. A car with a dazzling front mirror on it, a car that was going over the child-friendly speed limit.

Decadeus

“Alright, the patient is awake, if you can hear me, tell me what your name is.”

I am being held hostage in an ambulance right now, to be taken away to a hospital to have my college funds and my mother’s bank account depleted for a questionable injury. I am disgusted at the incompetence of these nurses and oh, could that be a wildfire outside, one that could boil internal organs and burn the flesh to a coal-like texture? That is a wildfire outside oh my, is that a loose scalpel right there, one that could eviscerate the entire crew of the ambulance.

I was about to pick it up when I was stopped by the disgusting EMT.

“Sir, please put the knife down.”

I gave him one look and apparently that was enough, before he could bat an eye I stabbed him through the eye that was closest to me. It went in through the bottom of the eyelid and grabbed the bottom of his eyeball, tearing it out of its socket. But that wasn’t enough; I yanked it out as I giggled at his scream of agony. With a tranquilizer in his left hand he tried to put me to sleep. I couldn’t let this happen though, so I stabbed the scalpel through one end of his large belly, as I reached the other side uncountable gallons of blood, not to mention a collection of organs, spilled out. Nothing I couldn’t handle, for when dad died he had spilled some guts too. With the gutting of one of the EMTs, the staff of the ambulance were distracted and stopped the vehicle. This would be the opportunity I needed to subtract some of their number. Pushing some of the crew out of the way, I have commandeered the ambulance and I see something, a very dingy, very old gas station. Heads up everyone we are going out with a bang. We are going to make a wildfire in the wildfire.


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364 Reviews


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Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:45 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, MandlynProductions! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm trying out a bit of a new style, but I'll fix the problems in the quotes without an explanation if I don't need one.

(To clear up any confusion before the story begins, this is a story about someone with Multiple Personality Disorder.)


Don't put periods right before parenthesis unless they are in an ellipsis.

Nathaniel:


For each scene change starting with a character's name, there should be a colon there. I will not point this out again, just wanted to let you know.

I had to use the bottles of water delivered today to wash the dishes since the sink won’t work today; it hasn’t worked in five years since the drought started. For me I think that’s a good thing. I don’t know why, but whenever I have to drink a glass of water I look away from the glass and the water while I drink.


I chose to live here


Since it's in past tense, it should be in past tense :P

“Hello…?"


--

Honestly, Nathaniel's big huge paragraph could be broken down more, for sure. Find the places where the speaker changes subject and then add a new paragraph.

--

how has your's been


So, my beautiful mother


“Yes, there is an emergency, but it’s only a possibility. There might be a wildfire around your area. It’s not guaranteed but you know what to do when there is a fire right?”

Of course I knew what to do; I was taught in homeschooling to stop drop and roll whenever there is a fire.


“I will be sure to have a good day Mom. Let’s hope the same thing happens to you and tell that to dad as well. He has been away on a business trip for as long as I can remember.”

I love my dad, even though he has been away as long as I can remember. I still recall all the great experiences I have had with him.


Although, my dad has been on a business trip to Italy for over a decade. Funny, I forgot to hang up the telephone.


I think I will go outside and check the weather. There might be a forest fire today according to the radio in the basement.


“Listen carefully Nathaniel. There is a forest fire in our area; you need to leave the house and go to the beach.”


After my mom says goodbye, it would be in my best interest to run away from the house - cars are fire hazards, and if I take a bike, it will be difficult to avoid obstacles in time.

“Bye Nathaniel Don’t come back to the house until the fires are out.”

Alright, now I should leave, who knows when the fire will be here? It would be best to take the bike, it's fast and will leave some room if there are obstacles.


That is a wildfire outside and oh my, is that a loose scalpel right there, one that could eviscerate the entire crew of the ambulance?


Heads up everyone, we are going out with a bang.


Suggestions:



(To clear up any confusion before the story begins, this is a story about someone with Multiple Personality Disorder.)


I would italicize this and put 'A/N:' in front of it to make it obvious that it's an author's note.

Confusing things:



“Yes, there is an emergency, but it’s only a possibility. There might be a wildfire around your area. It’s not guaranteed but you know what to do when there is a fire right?”

Of course I knew what to do; I was taught in homeschooling to stop drop and roll whenever there is a fire.


Wait, if the MC had graduated from high school, how could he/she be homeschooled?

Also, what gender is the MC in? Nathaniel is a male name and Julia is a female name... what is the gender? I'm assuming that all of them are the same person, right?

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



because I am Beverly, and Beverly is nothing but fabulous.


This reminds me of [url=eddsworld.wikia.com/wiki/Matt]Matt[/url]. Get into Eddsworld please please please please

Even though my dad has been on a business trip to Italy for over a decade, funny, I forgot to hang up the telephone.


Oh, dang, he's dead, isn't he?

I stared at it for an impressive ten seconds before my retinas started to burn in agony.


That's physically impossible.

Overall:



Well, that took a dark turn.

Other than the many grammar issues, I thought that the idea was genius and that it was really good! Of course, being a grammar Nazi, I was upset by the amount of grammar issues, but that could be fixed over time. Amazing job.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Sorry, I already sold my soul to someone else.



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13 Reviews


Points: 26
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Tue Oct 03, 2017 6:25 pm
ashpandas wrote a review...



Wow this was something, something good so don't worry. I liked what the story was about, and for the most part it's good. I just have a couple comments.

"I knew I was right by the tone of her voice, she knows how important for me it is to be right." Maybe this instead?, "She knows how important it is for me to be right"

I loved this and I just wish there was more description to it though. Show don't tell.
What's the basement like? A safe haven right? What's in it? Does the person keep it clean and organized? Is it messy? I'm dying to know.
Why don't they like being in the world? What exactly does it make them feel? Panicked? Suffocated?
Also maybe instead of just saying there is a drought describe what it's like so that the reader can picture it and know without being told there is a drought. Most people I'd think know about the drought that's been going on in California. Or maybe I know cause I'm from that state and have an interest in those kind of things.

Anyways back to the review, one more thing I want to comment on is the split personality thing. I think it's genius. If I have it correct on one side they are kind of innocent and unaware. They are still expecting to hear from their dad. They still think he's on vacation. Then the other side knows something, it's the dark side of them. I like it. Some people don't need to have split personality to be this kind of person. Also the character reminded me of my best friend in high school. But the only reason I knew it was that was because of your comment in the beginning of the piece. I think your work was good, and has a lot of potential.

So to end this review I want to say good job, and weather or not you edit it I still loved reading your work. I hope to see more from you.






and weather or not you edit it I still loved reading your work.
Whether, not weather



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Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:09 am
BabeiHidcls says...



Very graphic but 'eye openeing'




Boluk says...


Indeed, although It seems kinda similar to the movie "Split" it does seem like a pretty interesting read. Can't wait for more




Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg