NOTE: If you really like this 'book' as you may call it and want to keep up with it, you should check this other website missliterati. I really like youngwriters better but because you need points to post, it takes me longer to post here so I'm 100% updated on missliterati, so here's the link if you want to try to figure it out.
http://www.missliterati.com/stories/planet-of-malonians-513a85ad15634c353802dd13
“That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?” Mother was shaking now and she made sure to push her cooking knives far away from her. “My husband died, Marzil is all I have.”
“Mom, I’ll call you, we’ll be ok, I’ll see you in 5 years, just don’t let him kill us, let me go!” I was frantic now, I pushed at her side in fear, “I’ll got put some clothes in a bag.” I took a hesitant step away from the two of them before turning down the hallway swishing my tail angrily back and forth. I rummaged through the hall closet for a duffle bag I thought mom wouldn’t miss.
“I’m really sorry; I don’t want to be the bad guy.” Yazoo sounded really sincere and sorry that this was indeed, his job, “It’s just, this is what I was ordered to do. I have to get 5 kids that fall 85% or higher before five and if I don’t, I will be the dead guy.”
“You and all the other scientists have got a lot of nerve barging in people’s homes and taking their children. This is a foreign world, we only learned about half an hour ago, and now I have to ship my child there? The one person I’ve given up everything for?” Mother was absolutely furious and she came stomping down the hallway with me, “Excuse me but since you’re taking Marzil away, I think I’d like a few minutes to say goodbye.” She pulled the bag from my hands and dragged me into my room. The bag was placed on my bed and she started quickly piling up clothing in it that she knew best hid my short, stubby tail.
“I’m going to miss you Marzil.” She placed her hands on her neck and reached around to the back of her neck to unclip her necklace clasp. She held the dainty chain in her hand and presented the locket to me, “Your father gave it to me when we were married. You keep it, to remember us.”
“I’ll always remember you mama.” I patted the bag behind me while pushing her hand away from mine. “And I’ll be home in a wink.” I blinked an eye at her and smiled a little, “5 years isn’t really that long when you think about it, I mean, I’m already 67.”
She blinked away a little tear and opened her palm again, this time taking the necklace out of her hand and fastening it around my neck. I let her do so in silence when Yazoo opened the door, “I’m not allowed to let you out of sight.” He stated when his mobile began to buzz.
“Yeah, Yazoo,” I put my hand over my mouth and turned mother around. Warzle appeared on the screen in front of Yazoo, but this time it was not a podcast. “We’ve lowered the number of participants to one from each subsection, you got one?”
“Yeah, I got one.” He turned and smiled at us, “She’s right here, her name’s Marzil.” He faced the image towards me so I could see.
“Good, bring her now. We’re starting the meeting early. You have directions, right?”
“Right, we’ll be at the air station in an hour. I will see you in Lonka in approximately three hours.”
Chapter 3 - The City of Lonka
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=100251
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hello again! I liked this enough that I decided to review chapter two
Specifics
1. This dialogue feels a little unrealistic, partly because of what I said before. He doesn't make me think he's serious. I'm also not getting much of a feel from Marzil of just how afraid she is. There's no hesitation in her voice. No repetition or stuttering. When people are afraid, they talk differently. They are halting or quick paced. They stumble over words or rush them all out at once. Try to reflect that in your writing.
2. I don't like how Yazoo explains himself. He can give a partial explanation, but that's too blunt a way of putting it. He doesn't sound like a scientist. It's often difficult to get adult voices right, but currently Yazoo sounds awkward and he's telling them too many details. Important people don't tell you important details, even when they do feel bad.
3. Wait, if they only learned about the Earth so recently, how do so many people know and why are they so afraid of it? Half an hour is far too short a time when the scientist gives the impression he has been searching long and hard for the right candidate. Have another think about it and consider changing that to a few days at least. More likely it's weeks - it takes important people a long time to make big decisions.
4. The goodbye is really nicely done and very sweet and I like how you insert her age in there quite subtly. It's a small surprise, but the way she says it makes it sound natural. Good work!
5. The last line of dialogue feels a tad awkward as it feels too much like the timings are given for the reader's benefit. These people should know how long it takes them to get from one place to another so try to make that more subtle.
Overall
This is a very short chapter so it's hard to get much of a feel, but I'm still pretty excited about this training and the city! I'm also glad there's going to be more than one trainee, though I think the change in requirements from five to one is too drastic. You could maybe have Warzle ask how many he has and then a brief argument about how it's not enough, but Yazoo's insistence that he can't get any more.
There's a few details like that which could do with ironing out a little and your characters could be made to feel more real. It would be great to see you get those emotions pushing through into their voices.
On to the next part!
Heather xxx
THIS IS AWSOMEE!!
write more, please.
Oh, and I would suggest discribing them more, thir race. Yes, they have a tail, but what does it look like. Yes, they live a long time.
I imagion ( also from reading text) that they look mostly human.
Very good and interusting story.
Thanks, I'll try to write more, I've been pretty buisy, I'm actually writing an ebook right now so pretty much all my free time is taken. Maybe this summer the book will resume.
Why would she push her mom aside if it was the last time she ever saw her.
Again they are a bit excessive on this planet they kill people without question.
She wouldn't be nasty if it was the last time that they would spend together.
Why would she put her hand on her mouth.
You could tack out the (right) up here.
But otherwise nice work.
EDIT:
I had to change the chapters around so the first chapter is now different and the story that was originally here is not the same story!
If you put links in each chapter to connect them all in order it would be a good idea
then the reader doesn't have to look all over the sight trying to find the next chapter. that's what i did and it seemed to do the trick.
I agree with Therealme. You're fantastic!! I skimmed through it because I'm trying to get enough points for another story but from what I saw it looks wonderful. I hope you plan to write more to this story. It is very original, not completely like everything else. May I ask where you got your idea to create such an intriguing story from? I know I get my ideas from songs, generally.
Thank you! I was reading some sci fi about heavan on miss literati and I thought, aliens! I just started writing and this is what happened.
Here's a review for you!
the whole 'alien' idea thing is great.
please keep writing more xx
Wow this is really original and interesting. i'm hooked!
I wouldn't change anything about it. the punctuation is perfect and so is the spelling etc. no corrections needed there.
I found it brilliant that these 'alien' people seem so terrified of earth which is ironic because most people on earth are afraid of aliens haha.
I have always thought that the first chapter or prologue is one of the most important parts of a story because that's the part the reader is going to read first, and if it's not interesting enough the reader won't bother to keep reading.
You have excelled in making this first part of the story captivating and suspenseful. I can't wait to read more! I want to know why these 'aliens' have to go to earth and what will happen when they're there.
I also like how Marzil has invisibility powers, that's pretty cool. Also the names you have chosen are very 'alien' and go well with the whole theme.
I overall love it
Thanks. I've got another chapter already but it was rushed. It needs more detail. I have another chapter before this, this was actually chapter 2 if you haven't read the other one.
oh haha i thought this was chapter one, it very well could be!
I got bad reviews on the first 'chapter 1' so I actually changed it to be chapter 1.