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Ch 1 - No Time for Goodbyes

by MandaPanda1031


NOTE: If you really like this 'book' as you may call it and want to keep up with it, you should check this other website missliterati. I really like youngwriters better but because you need points to post, it takes me longer to post here so I'm 100% updated on missliterati, so here's the link if you want to try to figure it out.

http://www.missliterati.com/stories/planet-of-malonians-513a85ad15634c353802dd13

“What!” I frantically reached for Garsle’s hand and held it tightly inside my own. I could see the whites of her eyes which was an uncommon thing for Malonians. It only happened when they were filled with terror. “I don’t want to go to Earth.”

“I’m sorry Marzil, according to my evaluation sheet, you rank in the 93 percentile for a good match for Earth, it would be 100% except for one thing.” He glanced at my tail, which was a strange deformity, but it gifted me with an amazing power, the ability to be unseen, or as some people called it, invisibility. “I’m going to have to take you now.”

“Wait, what? Warzle said classes begin today.” I stammered, my friends, my parents, I didn’t want to leave Malonia, not now, not ever.

“Classes for the general population of children will begin classes today. You and four other Malonians from Riverio will begin a more extensive full time training for exactly one week starting now. I will excuse you from school, and take you home where you can gather some personal items. Anything that is too unearthly will be taken upon arrival at training school. You will mission on Earth from anywhere between three to five years depending on training school evaluation. More will be discussed when we get to Lonka.” He walked past Garsle and into the school. Somehow he knew his way to the office and explained the situation to the ladies who dealt with attendance.

When the strange man told the attendance manager I was going to earth, she too, showed me the whites of her eyes with respect. I looked back at here with a trembling feeling of horror but somehow, found the courage to follow the man back out of the school building.

He loaded me into his capsul and I starred out the tiny square hole and watched to world zoom by. I wished I was in the underworld instead. Outside the capsle, tiny but tall houses connected to each other floated in the air. Occasionally I would see a Malonian walk up the steps from the road into their front door.

The already knew where I lived, a small floating house with no yard practically attached to two neighboring houses and one behind it. The capsul automatically parked itself on the side of the road outside my house.

“Mother,” I called for her name when I walked into the front door. I marched past the tables containing artifacts from the underworld and into the kitchen where Mother stood with a screen in front of her. She quietly whispered ingredients for what I suspected was going to be dinner and dumped whatever she was holding in her hand into the skillet.

“Marzil,” She sighed turning off the stove, “Did you try to get to school using the underworld? I thought I told you to save that for after school.” She stopped in her lecture when she saw the man with me. She recognized his thick, stiff, blue uniform with the little swoosh symbol on the left shoulder as those that the universal scientist wear and put her hand over her mouth. “Is this about the podcast,” She whispered through splayed fingers.

“Mam, I’m a universal scientist, my name is Yazoo.” He looked suddenly uncomfortable, as if telling the parent of the child he was taking was worse than telling the child herself, “Marzil has been selected out of millions of children to be sent to Earth. She will have a communication device to reach you while she is gone, but I must take her to training school in Lonka, today.” He shifted from foot to foot starring awkwardly at the upswept floor.

Mother burst into tears, “But you can’t take Marzil,” She cried in despair. She put her hands on the counter and took in a deep breath. “Marzil is all I’ve got,” She stood again, more confident this time, “I won’t allow it.”

“I’m so sorry mam, but I’ve been evaluating children since 5:30 this morning and Marzil has scored the highest so far.” He handed the evaluation sheet to my mother, “Marzil will be safe on Earth, she will be trained, and she’ll return in 3-5 years.”

I could hardly make out my mother’s soft words. She moved her lips as she looked over the evaluation sheet, “Ten points for creativity, ten points for interest in surroundings,” She looked up from the paper, “This is absolutely ridiculous, I’m not letting you take Marzil. She’s staying here. I’m sorry, you’re going to have to find someone who wants to go to Earth with you.”

“I’m afraid to tell you, Marzil doesn’t have a choice any more. She’s going to Earth and if you don’t cooperate, I’m going to have to kill you both.”

Chapter 2 - Time to Fly

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=100225


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424 Reviews


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Sat Apr 19, 2014 3:06 pm
Wolfical wrote a review...



Really good first chapter! I enjoy your choice of names for your initial cast of characters: Marzil, Garsle, and Warzle. I find it amusing that they rhyme! :) There are a few errors. "Mam" should be spelled "ma'am" (I think). In addition, this sentence is a little awkward:
"The already knew where I lived, a small floating house with no yard practically attached to two neighboring houses and one behind it."
First of all, I'm sure you meant "they" instead of "the," but even so, you should specify who "they" are a bit better. The rest of the sentence is just a little lengthy and awkward; try revising it. Otherwise, this was a good start to a surely exciting novel. Marzil's adventures on Earth should be interesting (if she goes, of course).




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 7:26 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! I've been looking for a story to follow and if this holds my interest, maybe I'll read it all the way through ;) I'll probably wait as you post in on YWS though, just because I'm very comfortable here and I like having all my reviews in one place.

Specifics

1. You distance your character from the narrator in the beginning by telling us 1. This character is a Malonian and 2. They are aware their reader is not. Having them explain something to use that differs between our races creates a small barrier and that's something you need to be careful about so early in the novel when you want to engage with your reader.

2. Don't tell us about the power yet! That's a great opportunity later to excite your reader or catch them unaware. Tell us of the tail, maybe even hint of an ability it bestows, but you should keep something like that a secret for now. Reveal it in an action scene and wow your readers with how awesome it is, instead of telling us in such a mundane way.

3.

Somehow he knew his way to the office and explained the situation to the ladies who dealt with attendance.
You're keeping a good balance between telling and showing until this point, but this line struck me as odd. Do we need the uncertainty this creates? It's like you saying 'I haven't got an answer for how he knows this, but he needs to know it'. Instead, he should just know it - it's not entirely unbelievable for him to have been there before or to have seen a map of the layout of the campus. For such a trivial detail, it really doesn't need to be pointed out that the narrator doesn't know how he knows something.

4. You need to proofread this! There's some obvious typos - here instead of her and capsul instead of capsule. Have a good read through and fix those up - it's really important to present your work in the best quality possible.

5. Wait, scored the highest so far? A scientist just doesn't stop because they get to 90-whatever percent and say 'there's fifty left to check, but that will do'. Marzil needs to be the strongest candidate altogether. I also wonder at them only training one, it would seem more realistic for them to take the top ten for such an important mission and then after the training to select which performed best.

Overall

I felt the end of this was a little flat and it didn't scare or thrill me as there was no description to go with his threat and to make it sound real. This scientist hasn't given the impression of being either cold hearted or desperate, so why would I believe he will kill them? He also needs the girl too much to kill them both - that's complete nonsense.

That aside for the moment though, then I like this. It feels like there's a strong premise and I'm interested in this race of people and what the mission to Earth will be. I'd like there to be more description, especially to give us a sense of why the others aren't suitable. Does every member of this race look different? Do they take on traits of different races? How much has the girl inherited from each parent?

So there's a lot of questions I'm left with and some of that's good and others not so good, but it's great that as a reader I want this to be believable and to engage with your story.

All the best,

Heather xxx




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Tue Mar 12, 2013 3:05 pm
Jonathan says...



sorry about that it is so posed to be a review the first time i tried it.:(.




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241 Reviews


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Tue Mar 12, 2013 3:04 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



I dont exactly see how a tail could give you the ability to disappear.
I also think that it needs to be capsule not capsle.
They already new where i lived not the already new where i lived.
Walked through the front door not walked into the front door.
Why would he kill them just for not cooperating dont you think that might be a bit harsh.:D.
Nice work though.Keep writing.:)




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241 Reviews


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Tue Mar 12, 2013 3:02 pm
Jonathan says...



I dont exactly see how a tail could give you the ability to disappear.
I also think that it needs to be capsule not capsle.
They already new where i lived not the already new where i lived.
Walked through the front door not walked into the front door.
Why would he kill them just for not cooperating dont you think that might be a bit harsh.:D.
Nice work though.Keep writing.:)




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:34 am
Kafkaescence wrote a review...



1. This does not feel like an alien world, at all. It might pass as a futuristic Earth, but really the only two differences setting it apart from the world today are the hoverchairs and the holographic (I think) podcasts. As far as I could tell, that was it. If this takes place on an alien planet, MandaPanda1031, that should be immediately evident to the reader, and there really should be no need to explicate it, as you do. What do the aliens look like, what does their sky look like, the botany, the rocks. I want to be able to visualize this other world. You need to be convincing.

2. Your story is moving too fast. Before you send her off to Earth and immerse her in its environment and its society, I'd like to get a better feel for where she is right now, and, more importantly, who she is right now. I want to know the starting point. Wait till a later chapter to make the old guy break the news. Right now, take it slow, focus on introduction. I want to get to know her family, and her best friend. Especially her best friend. Convince me of their friendship.

3. But that doesn't mean make this completely uninteresting. You could begin with the podcast to set the scene, but let the tension settle. Make it less obvious that the narrator is going to be the one chosen. Give Garsle some stage time, too. The podcast would make for a great subject for conversation. Save the old guy introducing himself for later, but you could definitely make the narrator notice him here as she's going to school. Maybe he could be engaged in some unusual behavior, so we're left wondering who he is.

4. Proofread this.

Good luck editing.

-Kafka





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