Author's Note: I was planning on this being the first of a couple of chapters for this week's lms entry, but I struggled with getting the inspiration to write it. Hopefully the next few chapters will be easier to write - the story is really moving along now! There's one chapter in particular that I'm especially excited to write, but it might take another few weeks before we get to that point.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Words: 1,376
Last Line(s):
Telorum would give her the answers that she needed.
She was sure of it.
Chapter 11
As the adrenaline rush that accompanied her sudden idea faded, so did her confidence in being able to pull it off. Telorum was undoubtedly the best way for them to get the answers they needed. She could feel it in her chest. Maybe a small part of her wanted to go because she knew she would find Aldonius there—she want closure. Even if he tried to ignore their contract like he had in the park, he wouldn't just leave Aspen and her to wander around an unfamiliar kingdom ruled by an evil kingdom. She couldn't forgive him for failing to reveal their connection, but her soul was telling her to believe in him.
Her grip on her locket tightened.
It wouldn't be easy to get to Telorum, much less sneak inside it. She would have to convince Aspen. This wasn't one of their summer adventures; this was a journey across unfamiliar land into an evil kingdom. Then they would have to tell Lira and her father. The thought of Mr. Ream made her feel sick—he wouldn't want them and their lockets to go. Everything about Mr. Ream made her feel horrible now. Something must have happened between him and Aldonius, but his name wasn't ever brought up in conversation.
There was a knock on her door.
She tore her gaze away from the mirror and shoved her locket underneath her tunic. With a deep, unsteady breath, she let Aspen in. She had to convince her. She couldn't stay here when she knew there was another option that was more likely to bring them home. She just wanted to see her world again: see the town she grew up in, see her little house set back from the road, see the gurgling stream that ran through her favorite hiking trail and see everything that was distinctively Earth-like.
“Cassie?” Aspen asked.
She was lingering in the doorway, but wasn't casually leaning up against it like she usually did. There was worry in her eyes. Her mouth hadn't yet turned into a frown, but it looked like it was on the verge of it—her lips were drawn into thin little lines. Cass's stomach growled. It was promptly ignored as Cass gestured for Aspen to follow her over to her bed.
The mattress creaked under their combined weight, the noise melding with the sound of the door gently closing.
“Did you have a nightmare?” Aspen questioned.
She shook her head.
Aspen fell back into her pillows, and then turned on her side before looking up at Cass. “That's good, then,” she said. “I've never been good at dealing with nightmares.”
Cass nervously rested her hands in her lap. “Can we talk about something?” She begun to play with the hem of her shirt, trying to think of what she could say to convince Aspen. Even though they were about to start the conversation, she still had no idea what the best way to word her argument would be.
Aspen propped herself up on her elbow. “Sure, Cassie.”
Cass took another deep breath.
“We've been here two weeks,” she said. “They haven't made any progress. And...And I don't know if they ever will.”
Aspen thought for a moment.
“That's true,” she agreed, her voice surprising quiet.
As Cass thought of her brief meeting with Aldonius and of Telorum's beautiful violet and magenta trees, she absentmindedly reached a hand up to pull her locket out. The metal felt cold to the touch; she wished she could make it felt as warm as it had when she accidentally brought them to Rey.
“But we have to trust that things will be okay, right?” Aspen questioned, giving her a small smile. “Ikach is doing everything in his power to help us get home.”
She didn't find that all that reassuring.
Cass shifted her weight on the bed and resisted the urge to lay down next to her best friend. “Mr. Ream doesn't know how the lockets work,” Cass softly pointed out. “All his knowledge comes from when he worked as an adviser in Telorum, and the last King Kartiel never even told him what the lockets could do.”
Aspen let out a heavy, tired sigh.
Cass watched her nervously, worried that she was pushing the topic too much. But when Aspen said nothing else, Cass took it as a sign that it was safe for her to continue speaking. “...The lockets came from Telorum. Even if...Even if Lira's right on them having been taken from the gods, only Telorum's people know how to use them or would have the records on how they've been used in the past.”
Hazel eyes widened.
Aspen shot up, staring down at her with shock written all across her face. Cass didn't budge. She never argued with Aspen; there was never a need to. But if arguing with her was the only way she could get to Telorum, she would. The kingdom was calling her, and she couldn't ignore its call no matter how hard she tried.
“You want to go to Telorum?”
Cass gave a hesitant nod.
“But it's dangerous there, Cassie,” Aspen protested. She faltered when her gaze landed on the dangling golden locket, helplessly opening and closing her mouth when Cass failed to agree with her.
“I know.”
“Then why do you want to go?”
She shifted from a kneeling position to one where her legs were crossed. One hand resting on her knee and the other on her locket, she tried to focus on anything but the nervous look in Aspen's eyes.
“I want to go home,” Cass whispered. Aspen's face immediately softened. Rey didn't feel like home to her, or even to Aldonius—she could never love it in the same way that Aspen had been. And when her mind flickered to the memories Aldonius had of Telorum, it felt safe. She knew she wouldn't be afraid of showing her magic there, and the golden locket hanging around her neck wouldn't be a curse that constantly plagued her. Telorum's ruler may have been evil, but the kingdom itself felt like the home she had been longing for the entire time she had been on this world.
She mustered the courage to look into Aspen's eyes.
“I know it won't be easy getting into the kingdom,” she admitted. “And I know that we can't walk up to King Kartiel and ask him how to get back home. But Telorum doesn't feel scary, Aspen. Aldonius...I think Aldonius lives there. He might even be there now. I don't know if he'll be there, or if he'll help us if he is. But I have his memories to rely on, and I know they'll be enough to show me what to do.”
Aspen said nothing for the first minute that followed. Cass reverted to fiddling with the bottom of her tunic, eyes staring down at the glint of the golden locket as she waited for her best friend to make a decision. She knew the chances of her agreeing were slim, but she had tried her best. If Aspen said no, she would just have to figure out another way to convince her.
“Part of me doesn't want to leave here,” Aspen finally said.
Cass hesitantly raised her head.
“I don't like the idea of leaving Rey to go to Kartiel's evil kingdom,” she added. She ran her fingers through her messy hair. “It's safer to stay here and rely on Ikach's scientists, but I don't know how long it'll take to get home if we do. And if you think you can get us through Telorum, then I think it's our best shot to see Huntsville again.”
A ghost of a smile danced across Cass's lips.
Aspen thought for another moment. “We don't have to worry about the journey itself,” she said, her gaze wandering over to the hiking bag in the corner of the room. “You're prepared for sleeping out in the wilderness, right?”
Her smile grew. “I am.”
“Good. Now I think all we need to do is get some more information,” Aspen decided. “We can ask Lira to tell us more about Telorum. We'll want to know everything we can before we leave.”
Cass nodded.
They were one step closer to returning home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Heya, Mage! Merry Christmas! Just dropping in for a quick review.
Small Comments
This kind of clashes with what Cass says to Aspen later about Telorum not feeling scary/feeling safe there. Does she think it's an evil place or doesn't she?
Again, these don't sound like the words of someone who thinks that Telorum is safe.
In the previous chapter, I talked a lot about Cass's motivations to travel to Telorum, and I feel like this discomfort around Lira's father is something you could make more of. It really intrigues me, so I think it would be cool to put more scenes in there involving the two of them.
*Whispers* do it.
Has Cass never considered that what feels safe to Aldonius might not necessarily be safe for her? Does that not at least concern her, that her own judgement might be compromised by all these invading memories?
Given that they've only been here two weeks, it feels a bit premature for them to be throwing words like 'evil' around. It's not really long enough to thoroughly absorb the propaganda - even if they believe Kartiel must be dodgy, I feel like they'd still be aware that they were going on people's word. To be honest, has anybody even explained to them why Kartiel is (allegedly) a bad guy? I can't remember anybody doing that, so it literally just comes across like they're saying 'Kartiel is clearly evil because Lira said so'.
Gal. Sweetie. You're in another world. It's not quite the same as camping out in your local woods. Gotta love Aspen's optimism, though.
Overall Thoughts
This chapter was definitely a big improvement on the previous one, I'm glad to say. Your pacing is generally a lot better and I can feel you trying to scope out more substantial motivations for Cass. It finally feels like we're heading towards some real suspense, given that Cass and Aspen are going to be heading out into this foreign kingdom. Will Lira come with them? I'm kind of expecting her to, but at the same time, isn't she a princess? I can't imagine she'd be allowed to go gallivanting off into enemy territory.
Part of me hopes she doesn't come with them, because I want to see Cass and Aspen struggle to get by for a change. It would be nice to see them without their safety net - try not to make this journey too easy for them. Let 'em suffer a bit. It builds character, quite literally.
Something that's become more apparent in this chapter is that Aspen lacks her own set of motivations, which is an issue. She and Cass are distinct personalities, definitely, but their goals are pretty unified - I don't feel like there's much of a meaningful clash between what they want. In this chapter, for instance, Aspen does slightly protest Cass's plan, but she comes round to the idea incredibly quickly. And I didn't feel like any of Aspen's hesitations were specific to her - she just offered rather generic complaints about it being dangerous.
You'd have a lot more tension if Cass and Aspen didn't always see eye to eye on things. I have no idea what Aspen's home life is like, but I'm just thinking how interesting it could be if Cass wanted to get home but Aspen didn't. Maybe Aspen's not too happy with her life back home and she welcomes this adventure. Maybe Cass has a reason to return to normality. Just...consider their backstories, their upbringings, their goals in life, and explore how that could affect their motivations. You can't have two characters who want the same stuff, with only minor deviations. Obviously they need to agree enough that they can travel through the story as companions, but they can still do the same stuff for different reasons, or compromise, or disagree. I just want Aspen to feel more like she has her own goals to match her own personality.
The most interesting aspect of the chapter, for me, concerns Cass and Aldonius's memories - if indeed they are his memories. I find it curious that she's started seeing Telorum as somewhere safe and homely, yet she still views Kartiel as untrustworthy and 'evil'. Might that say something about her contracted's feelings towards the king? I don't know if it's simply a matter of the memories not having fully taken root, because I'm like 99% certain that Kartiel is not a bad dude, but it intrigued me to think that Cass's contracted might dislike him as well. It could be so cool if Cass had to fight to maintain her own opinion of things against the influence of all these foreign memories.
I think that's about it for this one! Pretty enjoyable chapter. Kind of keen for things to get properly moving now, but I think you're heading in the right direction. Looking forward to the next instalment.
Keep writing!
~Pan
I don't have as much to say about this chapter, because some of the criticism from the former chapter still stands. I do have more of a sense of moving forward in this chapter, but to see Cass have a plan and then immediately revert to thinking she's probably not even capable of carrying it out was a bit disappointing. I also feel like there's no *real* need to convince Aspen - of course she's going to agree; she's Cassie's best friend and would do anything for her. Plus, of the two of them, Aspen definitely seems more the type to go "quest to a distant land? HECK YEAH!" and her protestations of "but it's dangerous" feel a bit flimsy because of it.
I'm finding more and more, as I go through drafts - but I even found this with my first draft - that a lot of these inbetween conversations don't actually need to happen. They can be condensed, paraphrased, or in some cases passed over entirely, and that's something I definitely think could happen in future drafts with this chapter. Aspen comes in, goes "what's wrong," you skip over the actual conversation with something like "Cass told Aspen her idea," and then Aspen goes "let's go then" because that's what she does, and you move on. It'll help the pacing a lot and keep readers from skimming when they get a rehashing of information they already know.
Thank you for your review! I plan on replying to your other ones as soon as I get a chance to, but I wanted to get this one taken care of you since you just left it.
I've definitely been feeling like the pacing sucks with the beginning of this novel. I'm crossing my fingers that it gets better in the next couple of chapters I write, but I'm definitely going to keep what you said in mind while I work on those.
(Also, I'm glad you can finally review my story again! It's felt weird not seeing your reviews on the past couple of chapters.)
IKR??? I had so much to catch up, but I'm finally done with everything except HOHW. As for pacing, it does suck, but I think that's partly a product of LMS - you've gotta be able to keep going for a good long while, so pacing tends to fall by the wayside as random things happen or characters spend extra time figuring things out. Hopefully it'll get better in revisions!