Kartiel's Curse [Chapter 15.1]

Author's Note: I decided to follow the advice of this novel's reviewers, and change things as I go along to avoid the story from stalling. Here's the list of things I'm retconning, changing or just plan out elaborating on. Some really should have been taken care of chapters ago, but we'll just pretend I slipped them in somewhere.

Also, if you haven't noticed, the novel's new name is Kartiel's Curse! You'll find out the reason why when you scroll down the list of changes. 

➸ The world is Seraphinity. The region is Partex, and it's surrounded by mountains. (The characters wouldn't most likely know this, but they live on a continent like Pangaea.) Rey is the capitol of a kingdom called Inden. Inden is a leading member of the Rexun Alliance, a group of Partex's kingdoms united in a similar way to the EU - they have similar policies, share resources when they can, and help people from partner kingdoms easily move into other ones.

➸ Orpheus is feared because he's been frequently seen by Kartiel's side, and because of his apparently large well of knowledge on the inner workings of Rey. Also, he definitely gives off the dark and mysterious vibe if you're just spying and not chatting with him.

➸ The hatred of Telorum really began during the reign of King Kartiel III, when he refused to join the Rexun Alliance. It is said that in a fit of passion, King Kartiel swore that the alliance would someday fall. He wasn't liked as much by the future members of the alliance back then, and the prevalence of magic makes things like that very, very possible, so it's considered to be a solid threat. It's called "Kartiel's Curse" and everyone believes it will be fulfilled by one of his descendants. The whole swearing revenge thing makes the current King Kartiel seem like the most likely candidate.

➸ For pretty much as long as it's been around, Telorum has been known as worshipers of the fallen, which never helped their standing with other kingdoms.

➸ Telorum also has an abundance of dark magic users. There's been a few scattered throughout every kingdom in Partex, but Telorum has an disproportionate amount. If each kingdom typically has about 2% of its population be dark magic users, Telorum has nearly 30%. Which doesn't seem like a lot, but there's many forms of magic, and for there to be such a high percentage, something must be going on in Telorum.

➸ Healing magic is pretty rare.

➸ There's actually a holiday celebrating the death of King Kartiel VIII. I think Cass and Aspen were there to see it. It's not exactly like there's a big party, but it's clear the Rexun Alliance sees it as a good thing.

➸ Cass is now going to be able to think about what's going on during the memory-dreams, though she still won't be able to alter them. Hopefully this will help with the overuse of Cass's inner thoughts.

➸ Lira and Rodet aren't dating anymore, but have known each other since they were little, and everyone thinks they are.

Words: 1,292

Last Line(s): She thought of the man with the beautiful blue eyes and windswept light brown hair.

Orpheus cleared his throat.

“I can show you around the castle and some of the capital now, if you want,” he offered. 

She gave a small nod.

Chapter 15

The castle was quiet.

Orpheus led her down the empty staircase, their footsteps cutting through the silence as they descended to the floors below. Her guide said nothing as they passed underneath floating lantern after floating lantern; their warm light cast soft glows on his hooded face. Cass noticed this detail and then promptly ignored it, her mind wandering back to the memory she had dreamed of the night before. She absentmindedly fingered her locket. 

“You already saw the throne room last night,” Orpheus suddenly said, a gloved hand pointing in the direction of the impressive doors. Even though it was no longer the middle of the night, its only guards were the two golden suits of armor. “We can go in there again, if you want, but there's not much besides the throne.”

“...Is he in there right now?”

Orpheus shook his head. “He's in the middle of a meeting with the council discussing your arrival – they'll probably ask if you can show up in one of their meetings, just to make sure you're...”

“Trustworthy?” she guessed.

“...A security risk,” he finished. 

He twirled a strand of black hair around his finger, turning from the main hallway to one that branched off on the left. Before she could ask when a meeting like that would happen, Orpheus was already heading down the adjacent hallway. She hurried on after him, gaze traveling to the decorations. The armor remained present, but the elaborate tapestries were slowly replaced by enormous portraits. Cass couldn't help herself; she came to a stop underneath the one closest to her and stared up at the three displayed.

All of the other portraits were of kings by their lonesome. This one appeared to be of a royal family from many years before. The king and queen's hair was gray with age, and each had wrinkles around their eyes as they smiled at the world beyond the canvas. The queen was holding onto the arm of a prince who clearly didn't want to be in the picture from the frustrated expression he had on. He couldn't have been much older than her, with lanky limbs and even a bit of acne. The amount of detail in the painting was astonished. If she hadn't known any better, she would have guessed that it was a photograph. She could even make out a slight glint on the chests of the three. When she stared at the spots for long enough, she could finally make out what they were wearing.

They were wearing the three lockets.

The king proudly displayed Aspen's silver locket. Cass's hand went back to her locket as she looked over at the queen and prince. The queen was wearing one of the golden lockets—it stood out from the fabric of her dark blue dress. The prince's locket was harder to spot among the golden embroidery of his royal clothes. Her gaze traveled down to the golden plaque underneath, but it provided little information on who they were. All it displayed was the year that it was painted, and the name of the king: Aldonius III.

“You're wearing the queen's locket,” Orpheus suddenly said from beside her.

His voice tore her out of her contemplation, and she hurriedly turned to face him. But there was no need to worry about seeming like she wasn't paying attention; he was looking up at the portrait, too. His head was tilted just far enough back for his hood to begin sliding back, revealing the more hidden features of his face. His violet eyes lingered on the queen, and his lips were drawn into a thin line.

“They were the first owners of the lockets,” he said. “Kartiel's told me the story before. The queen had an ailment that normal healing magic couldn't solve, so the king gathered the best enchanters in Telorum and asked them to help her. The lockets were just normal pieces of jewelry before then, but the enchanters said that it had to be something that the queen held dear. The queen agreed to give up her necklace if the others in the set were enchanted as well. They worked hard on them, but it was difficult creating the right enchantment.”

Her gaze traveled back to the queen. “Did they do it?”

“Eventually, yes,” Orpheus confirmed; his voice was surprisingly somber. “But they had to cast countless enchantments before then, so the lockets were gifted with an entire range of new, untested spells. You're using one of them right now.”

She turned. “I am?”

He nodded. “The locket's translating everything we're saying. It's how you can understand what I'm saying, and I can understand what you're saying, even though we're speaking two different languages. It's a commonplace spell now, but it was revolutionary back then...” 

She glanced at the locket dangling above her chest, then back over at him.

Orpheus raised his hand and pressed it against the golden frame of the portrait. His voice was little more than a whisper when he spoke a few moments later. “One day, the king and queen went out. They left the prince in charge of the castle. They said it was just supposed to be for the morning, but neither one was ever seen again after that day. The two and their lockets vanished into history, and the prince took the throne and became King Kartiel II."

She stared up at the prince—at his forced smile, at the way he was rolling his violet eyes, and at the way he held onto the hands of the king and queen. His grip seemed so tight. Even though he didn't want to be in the portrait, it looked like he didn't want to let either of them go.

Almost like he was scared to.

“How old was he?” she quietly asked.

A moment passed.

“...The records don't say,” Orpheus admitted, “but the common belief was that they disappeared on the day of his eighteenth birthday.” 

Her free hand clenched into a fist, nails digging into the palm of her hand as she tried to fit the sudden, inexplicable urge to cry. “It's the day Telorum's misfortunes began,” she said. No memory came to mind as she spoke; it was just something that she—that Kartiel—knew deep within.
She turned back to Orpheus, and was surprised to see that he was watching her. 

“I keep forgetting you've been getting his memories,” he simply said. He pulled his hood back up and started walking down the hallway once more with a swish of his cloak. 

Cass glanced one last time at the family portrait.

Then she was following after him, gaze hopping from portrait to portrait of somber king. Some of the details might have been different—King Kartiel IV's small beard, King Kartiel V's blond hair, the healthy sprinkling of freckles on King Kartiel VII's face or the way that King Kartiel VIII's black hair was cut short—but the family resemblance was clear. 

And then there was the current king's, hanging on the wall beside an impressive set of doors. It was strange seeing the serious expression on his face beside the joking one of his father. He fingered his locket just like she was doing now, and the way the light shown on him seemed to highlight the scar running up his cheek. 

“He looks so sad,” she commented. It was more to herself than to Orpheus, but she could hear him stop in the middle of opening the door.

“Yeah,” he softly said, “he does.”

She turned to look at him, but Orpheus was already slipping into the room. She looked up at her future contracted for a handful of moments before following Orpheus into the mysterious room.

And then she gasped.

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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Mon Feb 04, 2019 4:31 pm

Hi, Mage. Not having the best day, so I thought I'd drop in and distract myself with your lovely novel.

Just before we get started, I'll give you a bit of feedback on the changes you've made. I like the curse idea and I think that neatly explains the bad blood towards Kartiel, though I'd definitely like to know more about why the old king was so vehemently against the alliance and why everybody else is so protective of it. Given that you've compared the alliance to the EU, I don't quite get the extreme reaction of 'swearing the alliance will fall' - I could probably understand it more if the alliance involved a complete loss of independence and self determination, but it seems pretty easy-going judging by what you've said. Still, I think the bones of the idea really work.

I'm less sold on the title change, if I'm absolutely honest? Maybe I've just got attached to the initial name, but 'Kartiel's Curse' sounds a little melodramatic to me. 'The Three Lockets', while maybe not an endgame title, was more subtle. Still, that's all fine details, not really worth worrying about right now. Onto the actual review!

Small Comments

Orpheus led her down the empty staircase, their footsteps cutting through the silence as they descended to the floors below.


The fact that they're going down a staircase kind of necessitates that they're descending to a lower floor, so there's not much need for this.

their warm light cast soft glows on his hooded face.


Not sure about 'glow' being used in the plural. It's not terrible, but it sounds a bit weird. 'Their warm light cast an intermittent glow' might be a reasonable alternative, but it's up to you.

“He's in the middle of a meeting with the council discussing your arrival – they'll probably ask if you can show up in one of their meetings, just to make sure you're...”

“Trustworthy?” she guessed.

“...A security risk,” he finished.


I didn't really understand this. Does the council want to make sure she is a security risk? Or that she isn't a security risk? The latter makes more sense in the broader context, but the way you're written the sentences makes it sound like they actually want her to be a risk for some reason.

[...] she could finally make out what they were wearing.

They were wearing The three lockets.


I think the line would have a lot more power if you cut it down like this. It's already clear from the context that they're wearing the lockets, so there's not much reason to reiterate it.

“Kartiel's told me the story before. The queen had an ailment that normal healing magic couldn't solve, so the king gathered the best enchanters in Telorum and asked them to help her. The lockets were just normal pieces of jewelry before then, but the enchanters said that it had to be something that the queen held dear. The queen agreed to give up her necklace if the others in the set were enchanted as well. They worked hard on them, but it was difficult creating the right enchantment.”


I'm a bit confused by this whole passage. I got what you were saying, I think, but the expression was a little weird - particularly the use of 'it', which I've indicated in bold. You don't really clarify what 'it' refers to, and the sentence just seems a bit clumsy, syntax-wise - it's like the pronoun's trying to refer back to something that isn't actually in the prose.

I'm guessing you meant that the enchanters can only imbue an object with healing magic if that object has strong sentimental value, but make that clearer. I'll return to talk about this whole backstory a bit more in the final section, because I'm a bit perplexed by some parts of it.

“One day, the king and queen went out. They left the prince in charge of the castle. They said it was just supposed to be for the morning, but neither one was ever seen again after that day. The two and their lockets vanished into history, and the prince took the throne and became King Kartiel II."


Interesting. Given that the lockets ended up on Earth, are we to believe that the king and queen passed through into Cass's world somehow and couldn't get back?

Overall Thoughts

Blue's right that you've handled the tour of the castle well thus far. It feels like a natural and interesting way to learn more about the backstory and history of Telorum, and on the whole you keep the pace nice and brisk and don't overload us with information. Regarding the specifics of the backstory, though, I didn't feel like it all made sense. First, I don't think you were really clear enough about why the lockets had to be enchanted in the first place. To cure the queen, I'm guessing? But then why did she only consent to this process if they agreed to enchant all of the lockets? It would only make more work for the enchanters and (providing the ailment was life-threatening) increase the chances of her dying before they found a cure. Plus, given that they were just random pieces of jewellery, I don't understand why she'd even want all of the lockets to be enchanted in the first place. Where's the need?

Not to mention that the abilities of the lockets don't seem to align at all with this intended healing purpose. So far, the only things we've seen Cass's locket do are transfer her from one world to another and translate languages. What do either of those things have to do with healing ailments? I get that the enchanters were probably working on them for a long time and they tried a lot of things before the lockets could do what they were supposed to, but trying to create a healing enchantment and ending up with a translation one instead feels rather like trying to make meatloaf and ending up with ice cream. I can't see why you would ever accidentally make a spell like that.

Maybe I've just not understood the passage properly, but that in itself indicates an issue. It just seems like the notion of Cass's locket being able to heal ailments has come out of nowhere. Before this, I assumed that the lockets were made for some kind of cross-world travel purpose, because the dimension-hopping and the translation tie together well - it makes sense that somebody travelling to another world would need a quick way to understand the creatures living in it.

Hmm, do I have anything else to add? I don't think so. On the whole, I think this chapter was strong, even if it is more transitional. The pacing was better and you've managed to make the tour story-relevant rather than just using it as an indulgent chance to describe everything. I just didn't fully understand the backstory, even if I am very intrigued to learn what became of the king and queen.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thanks for your review! I'll write a better and longer reply for your review later this afternoon, but I just wanted to say that your feeling of confusion is entirely justified.

Orpheus may or may not have been changing up some details of the actual story, but I can't say anymore without risking spoiling the plot of the novel for you.

In retrospect, that last comment covered most of what I wanted to say. :P Just like with the Rey crew, I'll say to always be a little wary of what someone says is the truth, and try to think of alternate answers. I don't know how easy that'll be with what I have so far in the novel, but Telorum and its people have a lot of secrets.

Just before we get started, I'll give you a bit of feedback on the changes you've made. I like the curse idea and I think that neatly explains the bad blood towards Kartiel, though I'd definitely like to know more about why the old king was so vehemently against the alliance and why everybody else is so protective of it. Given that you've compared the alliance to the EU, I don't quite get the extreme reaction of 'swearing the alliance will fall' - I could probably understand it more if the alliance involved a complete loss of independence and self determination, but it seems pretty easy-going judging by what you've said. Still, I think the bones of the idea really work.


It's a lot of what I mentioned in that last paragraph, ironically enough. :P The information came from Lira, who has a biased view of the events thanks to being a member of the alliance. (And I still need to come up with the exact years, which would probably be useful for later Plot Stuff, but it also happened several centuries ago. It may or may not have been told that way for dramatic effect. ;))

I'm less sold on the title change, if I'm absolutely honest? Maybe I've just got attached to the initial name, but 'Kartiel's Curse' sounds a little melodramatic to me. 'The Three Lockets', while maybe not an endgame title, was more subtle. Still, that's all fine details, not really worth worrying about right now.


Hopefully future chapters will make you like it better. :) Part of the reason I changed it is because I feel like the lockets aren't as important to the plot as the curse is, and because of the people of Telorum actually have a different Kartiel's Curse - one that I can't say anything else about because it would spoil major plot points, but I'm hoping you'll like it more once you see all the layers behind it. :)

Thanks again for your review! I really appreciate it.

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BluesClues
Review

I think the changes to the story have a serious potential to help fix the pacing, particularly since the pacing in this chapter wasn't bad - which is impressive, considering it's just Orpheus showing Cass around the castle. When they first actually started their tour, I was like, "Okay, I really don't need a tour of the whole castle all at once, can I just get a montage like in Beauty and the Beast where there's very little detail of the actual tour and just Cogsworth saying 'if it's not Baroque, don't fix it'?" I was not looking forward to it. Tours are one of those things that happen in real life but are generally awkward in stories, badly paced, boring, not sure why we're even here when we could just be told the character took a tour and get the details we need later on as they come up in the story.

So while that's still something to consider as you move forward (since I assume the tour will continue), I think you did a good job in this chapter using the tour as a means of painting a picture (almost literally) of the royals of Telorum through the ages, and Kartiel IX in particular. Also, kudos for the translation enchantment - I didn't question it too much when Cass and Aspen and everyone else could all understand each other (although I seem to recall that I did question it a little bit), because, well, that's the way of portal fantasies. Everyone's gotta be able to understand each other, so they do, and for the most part it's an accepted trope and most readers or portal fantasies won't question it too much. All that said, I think it was great that you actually answered that question! Although this now makes it kind of funny that no one in Rey questioned the fact that they could understand these people from another world - but then again, maybe in the rewrite they'll question it once or twice.

Either that or they all read a lot of portal fantasies!

P.S. What a way to leave off why would you do this to me

Thank you so much for your review!

I was hoping the changes would make a difference! I feel like there's a few that I forgot to mention, but I'm sure I'll remember when they actually come into play. It was really fun having a brainstorm session on what I could add in future drafts of the story; I think some of the changes are going to be very important when we get further in. ;)

Tours are one of those things that happen in real life but are generally awkward in stories, badly paced, boring, not sure why we're even here when we could just be told the character took a tour and get the details we need later on as they come up in the story.


Oh, thank God! I was worried people would think a legit tour was necessary. Besides the fact that I have a terrible mental picture of the castle right now, I really wasn't into the idea of writing out a complex tour scene. The next room is something that's incredibly important to Orpheus, so I wanted to include it, but I think I might either have something related to the council, Orpheus' awesome room (aka the only room I have picture references for and wholeheartedly love) or the rest of the capital, which I still need a name for. :P

So while that's still something to consider as you move forward (since I assume the tour will continue), I think you did a good job in this chapter using the tour as a means of painting a picture (almost literally) of the royals of Telorum through the ages, and Kartiel IX in particular.


Thanks! It won't come up for a few more chapters at least, but the reason the pictures look almost like photos is because Telorum (and probably other kingdoms) have a certain magic spell that takes a set area and paints it. The royals in Telorum use it all the time to get their paintings done.

Although this now makes it kind of funny that no one in Rey questioned the fact that they could understand these people from another world - but then again, maybe in the rewrite they'll question it once or twice.


I definitely should have an outside character question it - I think Lira and Ikach were more in the camp of "the lockets are all powerful so they'd totally do something like that" and just kind of shrug it off.

P.S. What a way to leave off why would you do this to me


Because it's #classified , that's why.

Thanks! It won't come up for a few more chapters at least, but the reason the pictures look almost like photos is because Telorum (and probably other kingdoms) have a certain magic spell that takes a set area and paints it. The royals in Telorum use it all the time to get their paintings done.


That actually answered a question I'd had and forgotten about, namely: if these are portraits, why did the painters paint the prince being held in place by his mom/why did the painters paint an annoyed look on someone's face/etc, buuuuuuut you just answered this, so, good.

Because it's #classified , that's why.


yesssssssssss join us

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Lib
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Uh, Mage? This is chapter 15.1. What happened to all the other ones? Or did you not post them yet? Or... where is it?

It's the same story as the chapters labeled "The Three Lockets," Mage just changed the name!

I have posted the rest of them, actually! :) The story was previously called The Three Lockets, but I haven't had a chance to go through all of the old chapters yet. You can see it if you look on the side of my work.

Whoops, looks like Blue beat me to replying! :P

Oh! Okay!



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief