my queer awakening was fireworks
dancing across my lips
as we embraced
underneath the moonlight.
you held me tight
as we hid away from the world
in the shadows of the old mill
that stood on the very edge
of your quaint village town.
you were a dream
who made me realize
i had always been asleep.
i had always believed
i would find my perfect him
because that was how
the world worked for
even strange girls like me.
you showed me there was more.
it's taken years for me
to see past the sleepy fog
that's always covered
my weary eyes.
but i'm awake now.
and as i stare at the sun rising
i can finally say
that my perfect him
will actually be
a perfect her.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
I love this! I really like how you encompassed an idea that I feel like a lot of non-LGBTQ folks don't understand, which is the realization that you don't absolutely have to conform to the generic idea of boy/girl romance.
Also, I just want to say I had to stop and re-read the phrase
"you were a dream
who made me realize
i had always been asleep."
Because I absolutely loved it so much.
I do have one question: is there a reason for no capitalization in your poem? Other than that, you have pretty much perfect grammar, vocab, and punctuation, just no capitalization. I do like that it gives the poem a more peaceful feel, I was just wondering if you had different reasoning.
Overall, great job! I can't wait to see what you write next!
Hi there Mage! I can never resist some good sapphic poetry, so I'm here to stop by with a quick review, courtesy of RevMo!
like ouch that's so poignant and just adlfkjsfd. I think it describes really well the experience a lot of queer people have of discovering who they are; it's called an awakening for a reason! But just the idea of a person being that powerful - being able to show someone that their perception of themself and reality had been about as accurate as thinking you're awake when you're actually asleep - is so intense and beautiful, and you capture it elegantly in three short lines. <3My first impression is that the language and tone you use in this poem feels very simple and to the point. There are definitely some lovely images - fireworks dancing across lips and an old mill's shadows were my favourites - but the poem doesn't center itself on images, if that makes sense, it centers itself on a series of thoughts. Which is not really an inherently good or bad thing! Some types of poetry are more focused or centered on elaborate ornate imagery, and others are more focused on getting a point or story across, and both can be equally wonderful. I think in this particular poem, the simpler and direct language really suits it, because it makes it feel a bit more naive/youthful, which is what you'd expect from someone falling in love for the first time. I definitely get puppy-love adoration vibes from this poem, rather than angsty broken heart romance!
Which leads me to my next point! I'm not quite sure why the title is the opposite of a daydream? Because puppy love feels very reminiscent of the sort of vibes you'd find in a daydream, rather than a nightmare (which is what I think of when I read the title). I think perhaps what you mean is that this isn't a daydream because unlike a daydream, it's real and is actually happening? But I could be wrong! Regardless, it's definitely not a huge deal, I'm more just curious to know the thought process behind the title choice.
I do love how the "dream" references ties into the third stanza!
Overall I enjoyed how there were lots of different images, but they all fit logically into a sequence with each other. moonlight/night time -> sleep and dream -> a sleepy fog -> a sun rising (which will break up the fog). The image of a sunrise is also definitely very hopeful, which is a lovely note to end the poem on :') It shows that the narrator has really grown to be totally comfortable with their identity, so much so that now they actually look forward to the future and having a relationship with a girl. Which hits me right in the feels!
In terms of critiques / places to grow - I feel like this poem would benefit from a bit more romanticism. The first two stanzas are pretty much the only place where we have a specific description of any kind of queer romance or how the girl makes the narrator feel in a concrete way. I want butterflies! Not necessarily that description, specifically, since "she gave me butterflies! whoo!" is pretty cliche, but that kind of sentiment would add a certain pizzazz to the poem I think.
Other than that, I think the poem does what it sets out to do quite well! You capture the feelings of finally discovering your identity as a queer person in a very relatable way, and there are some really heart-wrenching lines in there as well! And I will certainly never complain about having some more queer poetry in the world!
I hope this review proves useful for you - let me know if there's anything you'd like me to elaborate on ^^
Best,
Seirre
Hi, Seirre, and thank you so much for your review!
I'm really glad that came across! This was very much based on an actual dream I had, rather than a person, so the puppy love adoration really does describe how I felt when it happened years ago.
That's what I was thinking of!
Thank you !!!
And thank you for the advice! I'll definitely add some more romanticism in when I revise this poem. I'm always worried that I'm adding too much detail and cut back on it, but it looks like this was one of those times where I could have added some more.
Thank you again for your review! It was very helpful. <33