Chapter 3
“I wish Mom and Dad wouldn't wander off without me.”
She was sitting outside of the comics museum, backpack balancing precariously in her lap. The museum wasn't exactly what she had expected. It was more like a hodgepodge of antiques with a cute little gift shop. And it was nice, but it wasn't the kind of thing she would have left home for.
She sighed and rested her head on the top of her bag.
“They just don't get your interests,” Sabrina reminded her. “Just like they don't get why Jack goes to the theater all of the time, and why Kody practically lives in Spooktober at this point.”
She sighed again.
“I know,” she said.
She searched Sabrina's face for a response. Her eyes, frustratingly, were just as glassy as they always were, and her faint, red lips were in the same thin line as usual. Mary sometimes liked to think of the faces Sabrina might have been able to pull if she wasn't just a doll and a figment of Mary's imagination. But her imagination was dry today; Sabrina's face was just the face of an old doll she had been lugging around for years.
Mary raised her head and looked around.
It was a hot, summer day. No one in their right mind would be outside of the museum. The only exceptions were Mary and her parents. Her parents were off exploring some fairy garden on the edge of the museum's property. Mary, on the other hand, was just close enough to see the parking lot, but far enough away that no one driving by would notice a doll sitting next to her.
Mary pulled herself up onto the top of the picnic table.
A second later, she put Sabrina beside her.
They watched the building in silence.
“You can't keep bringing me out,” Sabrina softly said.
“It seems rude leaving you in my backpack,” Mary whispered. “I want you to see it, too, even if you're technically me. I know that's silly, but...”
She felt something pressing against her leg.
She looked down.
Her doll had fallen against her. Mary frowned. She had been sure that Sabrina was perfectly balanced, but she must have been wrong. It wasn't like she was going to object to the comfort of her imaginary friend, anyways.
“Change is coming,” Sabrina said. “I can feel it.”
Mary gave a small smile. “If you say so...”
xXx
Lunch was on the outskirts of Wildegate. There was a restaurant and a food stand on the very edge of Wildegate's sole park. Her parents were eating inside the comfort of the AC. Mary decided to enjoy the nice weather outside. She had been cooped up indoors the past week thanks to a surprise string of thunderstorms. She needed to stretch her legs and explore.
Armed with a melting cone of vanilla ice cream, her trusty backpack and her best imaginary friend, Mary slipped away into the unknown. The heat should have deterred most from going to the park, but it was filled with people. Mary went around the park's border into the woods that lay beyond.
She checked for other people.
There was no one.
“What should we do?” she asked.
“Right now?” Sabrina questioned. “This is going against what I said earlier, but I really want to get out of your backpack...”
Mary shook her head. “No, later. When we get back.”
“...Oh.”
She waited expectantly for an answer.
Sabrina took so long to give one that Mary had enough time to finish off her cone and lick the ice cream off of her fingers. “You could go find your brothers. You know where they'll be right now.”
Mary frowned. “They won't want to do anything.”
“You don't know that,” Sabrina said.
Mary was unconvinced, but she didn't say anything. Sabrina was a part of her; she would know how she was feeling. Still, despite any disagreements she might be having with her imaginary friend, she really did enjoy her company.
She stopped at the first rock she got to.
With an ease that only comes with great amounts of practice, Mary slipped her backpack off and got Sabrina off in one single, fluid motion. A second later, she was holding Sabrina tight against her chest.
“I bet Chase got the lead,” Mary said. “He always does.”
Sabrina just looked ahead.
Mary continued walking.
“I bet Jack brought him to the diner to celebrate, too,” she said.
“They're giving each other the look from across the table,” Sabrina guessed. A tiny smile began to spread across Mary's lips. “Neither one are addressing the elephant in the room. And Jack just keeps gushing about Chase's performances.”
Mary gave a wise, sagely nod. “And I bet Kody is lurking in his favorite store again. He's not thinking of buying anything.”
“He's thinking of living there,” Sabrina added. “He'll never find another place that fits his aesthetic more – besides Hot Topic, that is.”
Mary giggled.
The laughter quickly fell silent, however. There was movement from deeper in the woods. Without giving Sabrina anytime to argue, Mary ducked behind the nearest tree and pushed Sabrina back into her backpack. The movement soon became footsteps, and the footsteps soon passed in front of the tree she was hiding behind.
When the footsteps were far enough away, Mary peeked out from her hiding spot.
There were two people walking in the distance. Mary could have sworn that she only heard one of them walking, but the other looked too real to be a figment of her imagination. A boy and a girl were making their way through the forest. The girl seemed tense, but the boy was relaxed. His arms were stuffed into the pockets of his black denim jacket, and his shoulders were loose.
It was only when the pair were a distant blob on the horizon that she realized she had just seen one of her brothers walking by.
“What happened?” Sabrina asked, her voice muffled.
Mary turned back to her backpack and pulled her out.
“Kody just walked by,” Mary said, “and he was with a girl.”
Sabrina was silent for a moment.
“...That wasn't what I was expecting,” she admitted.
Mary glanced back in the direction Kody had gone.
“It wasn't what I was expecting, either.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello, Mage!
This chapter introduces us to Mary, Kody's sister. I really like her. She's an intriguing character.
I also really like how each chapter is from the perspective of a different character. Usually, when a book does this, the character's name is at the top of the chapter. This novel doesn't do that, which I find refreshing.
It gives you an opportunity to really delve into their voices and how each character thinks and processes things.
I kind of knew that this chapter would start off with someone else, but it did leave me confused when it started with dialogue. Perhaps, if it started with Mary doing something and then speaking, it would have made more sense.
This is my favorite paragraph in the novel so far. I don't know why, but the description felt perfect, and it set up Mary's thoughts about the doll.
Also, I find that dolls in this type of genre are super creepy and have some bad intentions haha.
If I had to guess, I'd say that Mary was between five and ten. She sounds young, but there's a hint of maturity there too.
I wonder why Mary doesn't want anybody to see Sabrina. Especially, when she told Sabrina she didn't want to take her out of her backpack.
Before I wrap off, I want to wrap my mind around this:
So Sabrina is a doll, but Mary imagines her to be sentient?
Overall, an intriguing chapter with an intriguing character! Mary's only been introduced once, but she's my favorite character!
Hi Mage!
I'm back for a quick review. I feel quite intrigued by reading about Mary and I feel her character can become very interesting in coming chapters if given proper justice. I'm not sure about her age, she's sure younger than her brothers but I can't say as of now if she's a little kid or maybe a teen with some unusual behavior.
This came out to be very surprising for me and I went like, Oh dear! Is it some kind of possessed doll or something like that. Or is it just her imagination. Seeing the interaction I feel like she's actually another entity and not just something that's coming from her mind. Maybe someone's soul trapped in the doll?
or I am just thinking too much>.>Hehe, I like Sabrina's remarks on Kody
and Sabrinawere so surprised.I feel like I'm gaining more interests in your characters and story. I hope there will be some big and nice plot revelations soon to make it more interesting
and spooky. Kody and Freddy's friendship is something I am eagerly waiting for. I am sure they will be a fun to read in the following chapters.Will be trying to go for the next chapter soon. All the best!
Keep writing
Hi Mage! I'm here having read chapters 1 and 2, but since this one's still in the green room I thought I'd leave a review here first
I really like this chapter. Think it might be my favourite so far somehow. I know it's a weird choice, since there's not much 'action' going on here, but I love how Mary's thoughts and observations seem to combine different threads of plot and also foreshadow events to come.
Characters
I find Mary a fun character, as she gives an outsider's point of view to what's happening with all the other characters.
It's cool how the 'imaginary friend' seems to be a more mature part of herself. I think it gives Mary some depth and prevents her from falling into the trope of the 'tagalong kid'.
One thing I found a bit jarring was the number of POV switches. The cast of characters is interesting, but it would have been nice to have a bit of an intro before the dialogue started in this scene. Would have helped signpost to me that we're not in Freddy's head anymore.
I also think it would be nice to mention Mary a bit more in previous chapters? She was named once I think, in chapter one and it's not quite obvious that she's Kody's sister.
I do like how this bit gives insight into Mary's imaginative, and also perceptive personality.
Besides that, I get the sense she's quite lonely, especially since her siblings seem to all be older than her. The fact that she has an imaginary friend also solidifies that.
Poor Mary :'( These traits do make her sympathetic as a character, and kind of refreshing as well? Since I believe the rest of the cast are teenagers with very different kinds of problems and personality traits.
Plot
It's great you have a 'breather' chapter like this before chapter 4. I read this chapter and chapter 4 back-to-back, and felt like it set-up the action in chapter 4 well with a sense of anticipation.
Ooh is this foreshadowing I see? O.O Love it, especially at this point in the story where the 'main' characters seem to be taking a backseat.
Setting
I get what you mean when you say your writing style has evolved quite a bit, Mage. I think you've gotten better at describing settings since the time you wrote this draft
Style
I like this transition that allows for some elaboration on what Sabrina looks like! It's often quite difficult to describe character appearances in-depth and still keep the reader in-scene, but I thought you did that pretty well here.
There seems to be a motif of costuming and theatre in this story, though it's too early for me to tell if and how that's connected to a theme of some sort. Freddy and Kody are cosplayers, Chase does theatre, Mary has a doll and a lot of the characters seem to be 'hiding' something. I just thought that was interesting.
Miscelleaneous
<-- Love this phrase! It's really cute and conveys Mary's age well.
<-- are there more imaginary friends? O.O
That's all
Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3
Cheers,
-Lim
Thank you so much for your review! It was definitely helpful. It was also really cool seeing what you though of my writing's progression. Description is something I've tried working on more since February, so I'm glad that's something that stuck out to you.
I'm glad you picked up on it! This story was actually inspired by a dream I had, and the costuming/theater aspects of it were all strangely involved in the actual dream. Even Chase's name came directly from the dream. Each part will come up later in the book as well, so it's definitely something pretty relevant to the story.
There were! I think I'll probably change that going forward with this story just to limit the cast size, but originally Mary had a whole slew of them. Sabrina was just the ringleader of those imaginary friends.
Thank you so much for your review! It was definitely helpful. It was also really cool seeing what you though of my writing's progression. Description is something I've tried working on more since February, so I'm glad that's something that stuck out to you.
I'm glad you picked up on it! This story was actually inspired by a dream I had, and the costuming/theater aspects of it were all strangely involved in the actual dream. Even Chase's name came directly from the dream. Each part will come up later in the book as well, so it's definitely something pretty relevant to the story.
There were! I think I'll probably change that going forward with this story just to limit the cast size, but originally Mary had a whole slew of them. Sabrina was just the ringleader of those imaginary friends.
Hello Magebird,
It took way too long to establish whose POV we were in.
Also something about the opening line in chapter 1 made it seem as though Mary used gender neutral pronouns but I went back and re-read and realised that when you said "their parents" you meant that Mary is the sister to Kody & Jack, so maybe work on the phrasing.
With that said, I like the characterisation here, as usual. Very interesting with this doll, as well.
Ooh, what a fantastic, spine-tinging line of dialogue.
Not sure you should give the game away so soon. This felt like heavy-handed foreshadowing. Unless you have a reason to reveal there is something supernatural about the doll...is this a double bluff? Hmmm.
I like the way you're injecting atmosphere and suspense with this doll.
I do think there is just a tad of missing introspection here. It's fascinating to me that Mary thinks of Sabrina as an extension of herself. But when Sabrina delivered this line of "change is coming" Mary reacted in a way that suggested she didn't really understand where it came from. So, logically, Mary should wonder what prompted her to make Sabrina say it. Is this stuff out of the ordinary for Sabrina? Or has she been spouting this kind of thing for a while? I would've liked more clues as to what Mary thought of this moment, because I like the use of juxtaposition in this scene and want more of it. Mary knows Sabrina is a fabrication but continues along with the delusion anyway. That contrast between delusion and self-awareness was very intriguing!
---
Not much to say about scene 2. I think it built on the parts I enjoyed during the first scene, and I liked Kody's appearance in particular. It's very cool when storylines overlap like that. Even if just slightly, it gives the story more synergy.
Again I'd like more of a clue with Mary's age because it was hard to place. She has a maturity and "wise beyond her years" feel to her which I love, but does make her age hard to guess, particularly since she is talking to a doll.
I think so far Mary's POV has been the most interesting to me and I get the sense that she will exist in the peripherals of the story but will become very integral at some point.
You're doing a fantastic job keeping me hooked. This is all starting to creep under my skin and I find myself wanting to read on.
-Zoom
Thank you for your review!
I'll make sure to establish Mary's POV faster in the next draft. I'll also try to keep on top of that when it comes to my other writing as well - my other novel also has a love of POV shifts, though they're not as numerous as this one's.
As long as Mary's had Sabrina, Sabrina's been spouting wisdom like that.
I hadn't thought of having Mary analyze why Sabrina would say something along those lines, but it's something I'll have her do in rewrites and any future chapters. At this point, though, Mary's pretty used to it!
Thanks! I wanted to tie the different perspectives together, so I'm glad I was able to accomplish that here. <3
I admit I keep toying around with Mary's age. I'm not sure how old I was envisioning her when I wrote this chapter, but the dream that inspired it had her be a fairly young girl. I think she might be somewhere older after I actually introduced her - maybe somewhere in early middle school? She's getting to an age where she knows she shouldn't keep bringing Sabrina out and going along with the whole imaginary friend thing, but Mary's pretty reliant on her because she's her only friend.
Thank you so much! I'm glad this story is keeping you hooked. <3