Author's Note: Hi there! I've had this story kicking around on my computer since February, but I never posted it. It wasn't until I reread it this morning that I realized I seriously needed to publish here on YWS.
Because the beginning of this story was written ten months ago, my writing has improved since then. I also got into the habit of writing longer chapters. But I don't want to spend too much time revising these first few chapters when I could be writing the next ones instead, so I wanted to give a little heads up at the start of this chapter. Chapters one through four were all written last winter, while anything past that point was written now. I did make a few minor edits here and there, but it's mostly the way I found it when I was rereading the draft this morning.
I hope you enjoy this story! :)
Chapter 1
Mary and their parents had left nearly an hour ago, but Kody still hadn't moved from his spot underneath his covers. It was the beginning of August. Everything felt so hot, even with the portable AC blasting in his window. Laying under a sheet and two blankets probably didn't help with the heat, but there was a certain comfort in making a blanket fort.
After suffering for another five minutes, Kody decided it was time to emerge from the confines of his room. Jack's door was already open; he was probably stuffing his face downstairs. Kody followed the path his twin would have gone only minutes before: through the old, creaking hallway, down the rickety stairs and finally into the weird-smelling kitchen.
His suspicions were immediately confirmed.
Jack was sitting at the head of the table, an array of breakfast foods before him. Jack's current choices were cereal in a teacup instead of a bowl, half of a bagel, and three pieces of bacon. He was in the middle of eating the cereal when Kody crossed the kitchen. Jack didn't even look up from his phone. From the look on his face, he knew that Jack had to be texting Chase. He always had that look on his face when he did.
Kody grabbed a box of cheerios from above the fridge.
“That's some serious procrastination,” he said.
There was a soft thump as Jack's bagel was knocked off the table, quickly followed by a very dramatic groan. “You can't just walk in here unannounced!” Jack exclaimed. When Kody glanced back at him, he saw that he was frowning. “Now I've lost my bagel to the floor.”
“I walked right behind you,” Kody pointed out.
Jack looked unconvinced.
He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. “I didn't hear it.”
“It wasn't my fault you got distracted texting Chase,” Kody shot back.
He popped open the box and grabbed a fistful of cheerios. The cheerios were quickly devoured. A second later, he was sitting on the tabletop with his legs dangling above the floor – with one of Jack's pieces of bacon in his mouth.
“So what are you doing today?” Jack asked. He was trying to change the subject, but Kody wasn't going to fight it.
“What am I going to do today?” Kody repeated. “How about what are we doing today? You promised we'd hang out again, remember? I was thinking we'd swing by Spooktober-”
He fell silent when he saw the look on Jack's face.
Jack was staring into the teacup, hand lingering on his phone. He had already known what was going to happen. Why else would Jack take the time to put together such an absurd breakfast?
“Oh,” Kody softly said.
Jack's grip on his phone tightened. “Chase is finding out what role he got today,” he said. “I promised I'd support him. You know how much his performances mean to him.”
For a moment, Kody would offer to tag along. Chase always got the starring roles; they could go out to the local cafe and order their favorites. Chase would get the chocolate cake, Jack would get the cheesecake and Kody would make his own sundae. They'd hang out just like they were kids again. And, even though he knew the day would eventually end, he could ignore the monster in his chest.
Then he saw the way that Jack was looking at his phone.
Kody shrugged and stole another piece of bacon.
“I'll go to Spooktober myself, then,” he said. The grin he gave didn't reach his green eyes. It never really did. But, just like always, Jack didn't question it. He just gave a relieved smile – the corners of his all-too-familiar green eyes turning up with it.
xXx
There were two ways Kody could have gone about picking his outfit. He could have dressed to impress. There were some nice shirts he hadn't worn since sophomore year kicking around at the bottom of his drawer. Or he could dress in the most comfortable clothes he could find. The clothes were too long for the summer sun, and had a slight stench from constant use. But Kody liked the feeling of his dark green sweatshirt pressing against his skin, and how a little bit of air rushed in through the cut in his black jeans. The black denim jacket and boots didn't really add much to the comfort, but they were part of the ensemble.
He took all of the back roads. The shade was his break from the sun, and the forest that surrounded him on all sides was his break from judgmental eyes. Normally, he wouldn't have cared about the looks. All he would need was one look at his subscriber count, and his fears would be quelled. But normally usually involved Jack, and Kody didn't think he could handle the looks on a day like today.
When he arrived at Spooktober, he was a smelly, sweaty mess. Thankfully, the owner of the store was used to him. It wouldn't be a normal summer day if Kody didn't swing by at least once. Kody usually had some kind of idea of what he wanted to make, but he had been relying on Jack being there today. Everything he was thinking of that morning involved pairs.
Kody, instead, let himself wander through the aisles.
Spooktober was a special kind of store. It really should have only been up in October, but something had compelled the owner to keep it open after Halloween the previous year. Kody always guessed it was because the guy was a Halloween fanatic. H was the person who filled his yard with more decorations then should have been physically possible every single year. Jack had argued that it was because he made a killing during October and could afford to do it, but Kody liked his theory better.
He turned his attention back to the aisles before him. The costumes were sorted by genre. There were some packages, but the majority of them were pieces he could mix together. It had been love at first sight when Kody first walked in there three years ago: he had already been imagining all of the cosplays he could make after seeing some of the cooler wigs in the window display.
Right now, he was lingering in steampunk. There was something special about the steampunk aesthetic, but he just couldn't figure out who to cosplay as. Original characters were alright, but he always stuck to canon ones. How else was he supposed to build a dedicated fan base?
There was movement in the next aisle over.
...Which was more than a little suspicious, considering that he knew the owner was standing behind the front desk right now. Kody quickly decided it was his duty to discover the source of the movement. He was the most frequent customer here, and he had to know if someone was trying to steal his position.
He turned the corner.
There was a girl standing over a wig display.
For a moment, he thought that she had to be some kind of mannequin. Her short white hair looked fitting among all of the wigs; he had never seen natural hair look so white. Even her outfit seemed to fit Spooktober's aesthetic. Maybe not the costume part, but definitely the dark, grungy atmosphere. Ripped denim shorts, fishnet stockings, combat boots, a black t-shirt, and a long flannel shirt? It was the kind of outfit he could approve of.
(Especially with the dark green beanie she was wearing.)
His gaze lingered on her face.
It was hidden behind white strands of hair as she stared down at the display of wigs. Part of him wondered what she was doing there, but he was more occupied with her appearance. He tried to memorize every detail of this moment. This felt like something big.
And this felt like love at first sight.
Kody swiftly walked from his spot to where she was standing. Peering over her shoulder, he was shocked by how big their size difference was. They had to be the same age, but she was tiny compared to him. “What hair dye did you use?”
The girl spun around and took a step back. The movement might have been successful, if it wasn't for the rack of wigs standing right behind her. They shook as she tried to balance herself.
“Who are...Where did you even come from?” she asked.
“The other aisle,” Kody replied. “So where did you get your hair dye?”
The girl blinked.
“...Is this some kind of pickup line?”
His face contorted into a look of disgust. Taking a step back, he dramatically placed a hand on his chest. “Do I look like someone who would flirt with a stranger?”
There was a lull in the conversation.
The girl crossed her arms and looked up at him. For a moment, he thought he caught a glimpse of something in her eyes. He didn't know what. But then the look was gone, and he was left staring down into two little golden orbs. Amber might have been their true color, but gold was a better way to describe how much of a treasure they were.
“If you're not going to tell me where you got your hair dye, you have to tell me what contacts you're using,” Kody said, deadpan. He crossed his own arms and leaned up against the nearest shelf he could find. “I've never seen eyes that gold.”
She tilted her head.
“That sounds like a pickup line,” she said.
He thought for a moment.
“Ew,” he said. “It does!”
The serious look on her face momentarily broke; she looked like she was trying not to smile. “You don't seem to be a fan of pickup lines.”
“You must have gotten me confused with my brother,” he said. “He's the one who does all of that romance stuff. If I did it, the girl would go running in the other direction. Not sure if it's the stink or the look, but...”
He shrugged.
Now the smile broke through. Seeing her grin made him want to grin, too. Kody couldn't exactly explain why, but something about her felt comfortable. Like she was different than his classmates. He knew it was just a naive hope at best. Once they left the dim lighting of the store, she'd surely realize that she found the high school's freak.
She stuck a hand out.
He stared down at it.
“I'm Freddy,” she said.
“Kody,” he replied.
They shook hands.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi Magebird ^_^
I'm mostly reviewing this to get at your 3rd & 4th chapters which are untouched in the green room.
I see that you want feedback on character interactions and that this is a first draft. If there's one thing I appreciate it's author's notes / direction on the feedback that's wanted.
While it is a first draft there were a few notes I wanted to give you for whenever you get to draft 2. But I also have some comments on character development, too.
Let's start with scene 1. First of all, I love the use of twins, here. I think they make great characters in stories because of their unique dynamics and you can go down so many different routes with them. I like that you set up the scene quickly and go straight to Kody and Jack interacting. It's very clear what you wanted me as a reader to take away from this scene, which is that Jack is giving less attention to Kody and more to Chase, which is creating some kind of rift in their relationship. Love it. It's satisfying reaching the end of a scene and knowing the function it served.
One thing I struggled with was their age. Waking up, having cereal, bickering with a sibling, that all felt middle grade to me. But this is obviously categorised as teen fiction and then you have Jack being glued to his phone at the breakfast table and Kody's broodiness, suffering in silence attitude, which all feel more young adult. I don't know your intentions for this story but it's something to bear in mind. Stories are easier to sell when they're easier to categorise and so I think distinguishing their ages would be a good start. Their age might very well sit right between the two, in which case you did a good job exhibiting that they're crossing over that age boundary.
Moving on to the less important feedback. Not a big deal for draft 1, of course, but something to think about anyway.
Before we go on, let me make clear that I like your style. I like that you jump right into scenes and focus on character more than descriptions.
That said, I think that sometimes you have a tendency to over narrate. Not a big deal, easily fixable, however if you get to the end of this draft and go back and edit, you might find you cut a lot of unnecessary content and end up with less word count than you thought. And if you bear this in mind now you could save yourself a lot of line editing later, anyway.
Here are some examples:
Here you're narrating something that is shown in the story. You have two verbs, "decided" and "emerged". This sentence would be more direct with one verb. "Kody emerged from the confines of his room." Because if he's emerging from his room we know he "decided" to do that.
First of all, lol, Jack is the unusual twin, then. But moving on, we don't need "Jack's current choices". We can infer that he chose these items. This is a good introduction to Jack's personality, though. It gave an immediate sense of their dynamics with such little effort.
Here we have unnecessary dialogue tags. When characters are speaking try not to interrupt as the author whenever possible. If we can infer who is speaking then try not to tag. I do understand that sometimes you need to add tags / action / narration between dialogue to slow the pace of the conversation, but in this case I don't think you need to.
My next comment is actually the opposite of what I just said. Sometimes you have a tendency to underwrite, skimping on important details. Examples:
Weird how? Without the specificity of what smell we're dealing with, I might as well imagine anything I'd like. You've set up a good opportunity to build the scene so capitalise on it.
This right here is the crux of the first scene, if you will. The shifting dynamics between the twins. You have decided to open the story with how Jack is neglecting his relationship with Kody. You've given so much relevance to the way Jack is looking at his phone that you mention it three times, but not once did you specifically show me what his expression actually looks like. Through context, I can guess, but I don't want to guess. I want to see. I want to feel how Jack's expression makes Kody feel.
---
Now on to scene 2.
Sophomore year! Okay, then we definitely have an age problem here. The twins came across as much younger in the opening scene, somewhere between 11-13. But good choice to clue us into their age in the first chapter.
Ahh you're killing me here :'( Again you're doing an excellent job introducing the theme without being obvious. So far this sense of loneliness is what has served as your hook to keep me engaged.
100000% agree and now Kody has a special place in my heart.
This needs to be set up a little better. I just don't entirely buy that movement in the next aisle over warrants an investigation. I do like that he wants to be known as the most loyal customer, though.
This came across really wrong. First of all it made me groan just because of the insta-love trope. But it's also just...creepy? Nobody wants to be out shopping and have someone take this much interest in them all of a sudden. I'd rethink how this part is executed so that Kody doesn't come across so creepy, unless that is what you were going for
Unneeded narration.
This is another example of a lack of specificity. Okay, fine, Kody doesn't understand what he saw. And we don't have to understand yet, either. But we the readers need more of a clue of how this moment looked so we can envision it better. This story is characterised as supernatural and this is the first sign of that genre, so definitely work on executing this moment so it stands out.
And I'm finished with scene 2. I think mostly just work on execution with Kody and Freddy's interaction. I liked Kody's awkwardness and that Freddy called him out on it, and that Kody's self-deprecating comment lightened the mood, but overall I think his initial introduction was just a bit too off the wall, so much so that I found it hard to believe he could have salvaged the situation after it.
Overall, not a bad chapter. There's a strong sense of character and theme. I found reasons to sympathise with Kody and keep reading, which is pretty much your only job in chapter 1, so you nailed it.
I can truthfully say that I move on to chapter 2 with genuine curiosity!
-Zoom
Thank you for your review! I'm not sure my reply can do it justice, but I'm glad you enjoyed my chapter. I'm also grateful that you went so in-depth in your review. I'm not actively writing this story right now and my writing style has shifted a little since I first started it, but it's good to be aware of my flaws here. I can apply your notes to my revisions of the novel I am working on at the moment.
You hit the nail on the head with the age issue, too. I'm always struggling to figure out what my audience is when I write. I try going for YA because that's my own age, but I'm a sucker for middle school age books. It looks like Kody and Jack suffered from that. >>
Also, I guess the "love at first sight" joke didn't really pan out, but it wasn't really Kody falling in love with Freddy - it was more like he really liked her hair dye and contacts, and thought they would be useful for his future cosplays. I'll have to rework that joke in the future drafts.
Thank you again for your review!
No worries! You're welcome.
I think I recognised the age thing because I have the exact same problem. Middle grade stories just have so much heart, don't they?
Also I re-read scene two before you commented and I realised the insta-love line was a joke, so don't worry about that, it was me being stupid. Sometimes I take things too literally.
They really do! They also have less romance-related drama, which is something I've never really been a fan of.
And don't worry about it! I misinterpret things all the time, too. As long as you get the joke now, I'm happy!
Hello Mage!
I thought of swinging by your new story. I just realized that you have written a lot in the supernatural genre and I have read some of them. I guess you are really great in this
That's also a bit spooky #classifiedThe first chapter gave us a small glimpse of the twins and another character Chase. The twins seem to have opposite nature and behavior. Kody being a bit carefree, funny and had some childish innocence. While his brother Jack seemed a bit serious, (well maybe that's just because he was genuinely worried for his childhood friend Chase in this chapter )
He
Lol I think Jack's theory about an October killing sounds more appealing to me >_>
This encounter with the girl is my favorite part in the chapter. Kody was indeed spellbound by her unusually strange looks and his awkward response made it look funnier. I did chuckle on his first remark about her hairs. I mean seriously this is not the best way of starting a conversation with a girl xD The girl kept on pointing out that all this seems like flirting to her but Kody had a firm stand that he's genuinely interested in her hair and eye color. But honestly all this seemed very sweet
Well you mentioned about Mary in the opening line and I suppose she's their sister. But then she didn't have a mention at all so I don't know if that was a good place of introducing her name to the readers. That's just me, feel free to ignore.
This is too early too predict what's coming in the story but I'm always intrigued by your writing skills. So I'm sure you have something good for us in the story ahead. Hopefully, I will try to catch up with all your chapters. All the best!
Great work!
Keep writing
Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter, and I'm happy you liked it so much that you continued reading the story. I definitely have an obsession with the supernatural genre. >>
My current WIP is actually another supernatural book, this time with a hint of fantasy in it.Kody's social skills are definitely lacking.
But Freddy's are too, so I guess they're even. >>
Thank you again for your review!
Hello, Mage!
This story caught my eye, so I decided to read it!
Firstly, the chapter sets up the characters nicely. The relationships between Kody, Jack, and Chase are clear.
This is so cute!
There's nothing major that needs to be fixed except for the passive voice that Calandra pointed out.
This could be reworded as an action.
I wonder how this could be perceived as a pickup line, but I laughed at that. I didn't expect her to say that!
I will be coming back to read the rest of the novel! I just have one question...
Where did she get her hair dye?
Thank you for your review!
That's a very good question.
Also, I'm glad Jack, Chase and Kody's relationship was clear from this chapter! I really wanted to show that Jack and Chase were close, while Kody was a little more on the side at this point in their friendship.
Greetings.
I see a few bits of passive voice misuse. Not that it's a bad thing, but people try to avoid it sometimes. "His suspicions were immediately confirmed" is an example of what I mean. Passive voice makes your writing seem weak, and I can tell that it really isn't.
This is just my preference on things similar to this, so go ahead and ignore it if you'd prefer, but "a very dramatic groan" could be reworded to something like "a theatrical groan." The adjective "dramatic" isn't very strong, and intensifying that with "very" makes your sentence stronger. Instead of that, you could just have a word that already starts out powerful.
I'm really enjoying this, so I guess you'll be seeing me on the other parts too.
Calandra
Thank you for your review! I'm glad that you enjoyed my book.
I completely missed the passive voice when I was skimming through this chapter earlier today, so I really appreciate you pointing it out. I know it's only the first chapter, but do you have any thoughts on the interactions between the characters? I'm still getting the hang of writing them, so any feedback on that would be incredibly helpful.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing my book!