Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Satan’s Children
Chapter 1: A 1000’s of years ago
Chapter 2: Satan’s Children will play
Chapter 3: The face of evil has returned
Chapter 4: Revenge for Poseidon
Chapter 5: Zodiac enter the fight
Chapter 6: All out
Chapter 7: the skull creature
Chapter 8: Artza older brother
Chapter 9: extinguish of the red flame
Chapter 10: the new life we live
Chapter 11: His sacrifice
Chapter 12: the training
Chapter 13: Satan Jr.
Chapter 1
Everyone knows the story of the bible. How god gave his only son to wash over our sins. And how Jesus will come back and rid this world of all sins as him and the devil duke it out for all mankind….Well what if we got it all wrong. What if it happens in a totally different way from what you were told? I am not saying this is the truth however; I am not calling it a lie neither. Let’s just say that this maybe a new interesting way to look at life. Now let’s date it back a couple of thousand years ago, only couple of days after Jesus ascended to heaven………..
“My father I have made it home.” A voice said as the huge golden doors swung open. “Jesus my boy is that you?” A huge voice asks. Jesus looked to a gigantic man sitting on the thrown with the biggest smile on his face. (The giant is god and he is as tall as the Statue of liberty) “Yes Father it is.” Jesus smiled. His Father then stood up and said with a shout “Then we should have a feast like no other here Nirvana, to proclaim to all the angles my son Jesus has returned home!” Later that hour castle of Nirvana, which sat on the fluffiest cloud in the sky, was buzzing and bustling with news of Jesus return. Angels from all over came to him to hear the great prince speak. As the feast got more and more lively Jesus became fonder of Nirvana. The women angle all circle round Jesus and sat in his presents. “Oh great prince how we waited for the day of your return.” One angel woman sang. “Yes my prince I especially have been waiting in your bed hoping that you would come a take me.” Another angel woman reinsured. “Oh I want Jesus to take me. Yes I want to bare his child.” The rest of the angle women sang in harmony. They began to snatch on Jesus. “Ladies please there is only me and a bunch of you. “ Jesus pleaded as he tried to escape the grabby hands of the beautiful angel women when claps sounded the room. “Ladies please let the young prince breathe after all we don’t want to overwhelm him his first day here in Nirvana do we?” A voice asked. “Hercules!” Shouted the angel women as the left Jesus a rushed to the young stud that stood before them. Hercules was 6’5, with orange hair, tan body, and a lot of mucles. The angle women swarmed round him as they “Aw” and gocked at him. He then grabbed one of the angle woman and whisper to her “I hope you will be waiting in my bed.” She then fainted and gave her back to the other angle women and said ladies I need a moment with the prince. The angel women then left and only Jesus and Hercules were left in that cornner of the room. “Wow you have the women all over you J, and you haven’t even been here in Nirvana for a day now.” Hercules joked. “Yeah I guess I am really popular.” Jesus replied backed as he laughed and rubbed the back of his head. The two laughed as Hercules proclaim “Yes you are. You are back home in Nirvana, you are the prince of this marvelous place and next in line to be king. Not saying your old man is going to croak at any time….I mean he is the big G, the ruler the one who makes the world spin round.” “Yeah, beside I don’t think there is nothing that can kill my father, I mean he is god.” Jesus responded. “Ah, so then you are not worried about your brother Lucifer?” Hercules asked as he raised his one of his eyebrows. “Well no my brother does not have that kind of power, and even if he did my father have you, Zeus, Jackson, and Poseidon to protect him.” Jesus answered. “That’s a true statement.” Hercules said as he grabbed to glasses that was filled with wine. He gave Jesus one and said “But tonight let’s not worry about what the fuck Lucifer got planned. Tonight we celebrate the long a waited return of our prince Jesus Crist.” Hercules toasted as him and Jesus started to drink the wine. Later that night once the party was over Jesus father, left out of the castle and began to walk down the long golden road. He got to the gate and looked around. He was about to open the golden gates when, “sir, are you okay?” One of the gate guardian Angles asked. “Yes I am fine just wanted to go outside the gate. “ God replied back. “But why sir?” One of the angels on guard asked. “I just want to take a stroll on the other side.” God convincingly said. “The two angels on guard looked confused and worried. God then chuckle, “look you’ll don’t have to look so worried. I am fine and if I get into trouble then I will have you two right here and can rush to my aid.” With a sigh the two angels moved and open the gate for God. God nodded and smiled as he continued towards the outside of the gate. He reached the end of the cloud and stood there when a voice appeared out of the darkest part of the sky. “Father! How is thee all mighty?” the voice asked. God then turned to the voice and his smile quickly vanished. “Aw why must you give me that evil glare father…….I thought we loved each other.” The voice spoke as a man, approximately stood 5’5, appeared out of the darkness. He had a cane, and looked very old and fragile. “So this is the new form you decided to take.” God breathed with such disgust. The old man began to laugh aloud. “Come on dad you act like this form is so bad. I know you prefer it over the serpent form I usually choose.” The old man hissed as he showed his tongue. God gave him a mean look and asked “how are you even here? Nirvana’s light is for the pure and your soul hasn’t been pure in ages.” The old man cracked a smile and hissed again before answering. “The answer is simple. Where there is pure light there is total darkness just like if there is day, there is also night, and where there is good there is most certainly evil.” The old man bragged as he grabbed the fluffiest white cloud and turned it into the dark. He then sat on it and it floated up there to gods face. “Yeah, Yeah, yeah. What do you want Lucifer?” God asked frustratingly. “Oh, please dad I wish you call me by my new Gehenna name, and not by my punkass Nirvana name. God then looked away and asked, “And let me guess your Gehenna name is way more badass?” “Yes it is.” Lucifer answered. “Okay so what is it?” God asked. “Satin.” Lucifer hissed. “Satin huh?” God asked. “Yes even you have to admit that it rolls off the tongue nicely. Satin smiled. God rolled his eyes and declared, “I know you changing your name wasn’t really the reason why you are here in my domain pissing me off.” “Oh father lighten up a bit, I just came by to make sure that we was still good on our deal.” Satan smiled. God gave Satan a stern look, and just looked at him for minutes. Satan grin just grew as he spoke “Come on dad I know you are a man of your word, and I did as you asked. I made sure my baby brother ascended into heaven with no problem.” “Yes I know, and yes I am a man of my word so the deal is still on.” God snared. “Yes but to make sure we talking about the same deal what was it again?” Smiled Satan as he looked at god. God rolled his eyes and spoke, “The deal was if you made sure Jesus got to heaven without problem then, you will be able to produce hell on earth for a thousand years…..but may I ask you why did you torcher your brother on that cross…..couldn’t have went about it in a different way. Like killing him in his sleep, poising him, or even smothering him? After all I dropped the holy shield from around him.” “Yeah, sorry about that some of my followers got a little carried away with it, but they just wanted to show Jesus how his older brother gets down.” Satan answered with the most sinister smirk. “You’re a despicable creature.” God replied back as he looked Satan dead in the eye. “Yeah, but you created me, which means if I am despicable then you are to for I was originally made from you my father.” Satan said. God then yelled, “GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The two angels that where on guard patrol heard god yelling and quickly sound the alarm. They then made their way to their god. Satan looked pass god and spoke, “yes I think I will leave your kingdom now since your guards are now coming, but father before I go I just want to remind you of one thing. You need me, because without me there is no fear and without fear you cannot save your precious children who are damned because you allowed me to corrupt them so that your precious son could come back to Nirvana. So in a way I am the life of your light, I am you, because without me there is no you.” Satan laughed manically as him and his dark cloud disappeared into the dark sky. The angles on guard shortly appeared after Satan had left and asked, “Are you alright my lord? We heard you yelling and came to your aide.” “Yes I am fine, and thank you for coming to my aide……now let’s get back into the safety of the golden gates that belong to our beautiful kingdom, Nirvana.” God said as he began to walk back towards the golden gates. The two angles stood out there on the age for a moment and looked around before returning back to Nirvana with god.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there! Scarlet here for another tasty review! I'm not going to lie, I just about had an aneurism reading this because everything issoclosetogether! Although I appreciate you taking the time to write this. It would be absolutely amazing if I could read your story without straining my eyes though.
Don't be scared but it's time for some... #FF0000 ">C-#000080 ">o-#BF00FF ">N-#FF8000 ">s-#00BF00 ">T-#FF00BF ">r-#FFFF00 ">U-#00BFFF ">c-#800080 ">T-#004000 ">i-#BF4000 ">V-#00FF00 ">e CRITISISM!
- One of my biggest pet peeves is when people put all the delicious storyline in a big block. So, what I would suggest doing is going back and separating the block into paragraphs instead. I would do this for you but that's just too much to add to this review.
- Another thing is that I noticed you overdo punctuation. You'll have sentences with like five periods. This is very unnecessary and if you need to drag out the periods, only do three. However one would do the same job as three, but us writers just add more for effect.
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I say this to people all the time. A period signals a statement, however, this sounds more like a question. So at the end you should add a question mark instead of a period.
- Again with the periods? Tsk. Anyway this is a small thing but instead of saying 'Jesus ascended to heaven' I think it would sound better as... 'Jesus ascended into heaven'. However this may just be me finding things to pick at.
- In the paragraph below I think the perspective is nice. But the cliché thing about god being huge is...overdone. Why can't god be regular sized? In the Percy Jackson books the Greek gods were rarely ever described as overly huge. Yeah they're gods, but they can look like normal people. That's what I like so much about the series. They take an interesting and new perspective of things.
Another thing is the ( ), it's not necessary. Instead of putting brackets and displaying a message. Display it inside the story instead of breaking it with brackets. Just describe what god looks like, how big is he, what color are his eyes, what is he wearing? Stuff like that, this story also severely lacks description. A little more visual stimulation would be nice.
- There's two things this sentence tells me, one, Jesus is a ladies-man, and two, it sounds...awkward. For starters the plural of angel is angels, and angel is misspelled. You said angle, like the angle on a square or something. Another thing is 'and sat in his presents?' I thought you meant like presents as in gifts at first. You mean presence as in, the state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing. Not presents as in a gift. And you also have present as in, of a person in a particular place.
All are three different words, with three different definitions. I understand how you could confuse them but be more cautious in the future. I think it's rather unneccisary for you to display the angels as female. I'm no feminist but I know not every angel is going to be a woman. Why can't they be male? It's just...confusing.
- I laughed so hard at this paragraph. Jesus is rolling in women! And when the one angel says she wants Jesus to nail her. Aha, priceless! But this is a little overdone. I get it, but I also think your making them seem like groupies.
- muscles is misspelled.
- gawked is misspelled.
- corner is misspelled.
- I think you mean 'back' instead of 'backed.
- It should be 'proclaimed'
- There needs to be a comma between ruler and the.
- Another thing is, god, should be capitalized. I noticed that in some sentences you have it completely lowercased. God is technically a name so it needs to be capital 'G'.
- It's not to, it's two as in the number.
- 'I thought we loved each other' is a question not a statement. Therefore there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence.
- I don't need to know how tall the person is. I can visualize myself how tall he is and even with the added information I can't personally stimulate my mind to imagine him that tall. I'd rather know what he looked like instead of how tall he is.
- torcher? I think you mean torture.
- Add an extra o onto that to. Here's why: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-%22Too%22-an ... -Correctly
- Whoa, big guy. Having that many exclamation points does not make it any louder than it would with just one. Another thing is the letters do not need to be capitalized...it's unnecessary, but if you still want that effect it's not a big deal.
- 'they stood there on the age?', do you mean edge?
This was great but the wonders of proof-reading will never fail. Before you add your next work, proof-read it for mistakes.
Aside from all the nasty criticism, I really liked this. It was more humorous to me since I'm an atheist. I really liked your perspective on things, how Lucifer is Gods son instead of a past angel. I also liked how mischievous he acts, almost child like, the way you'd expect a teenager to act around his parents. The light and dark effect was absolutely beautiful and how Lucifer describes the two contradicting sides is amazing. I also loved the mixing of the Greek mythology among modern religion. It was funny, interesting, and captivating. Despite it's many mistakes I'd read it again just for the laughs.
Good work and Happy Review Day!
ScarletDreams16 of Wings of Fire
I appreciate the review and will take in what you said.
This legitimately reminds me of my own personal writing style in a certain sense. ...Not sure anyone else would agree with that haha But either way -- very captivating and descriptive and well written in my personal opinion. I found it easy to read and it held my attention, yet at the same time had a certain edge to it: your own depiction and representation of Satan. As I was reading it some part certainly felt more 'dark' than others, but nothing I feel like I could be too critical about. I can't wait to read more. I wouldn't worry so much about the format and flow, as some of the other review's have suggested. I have a bad habit of writing super long, run-on paragraphs too, and although you could probably shorten the middle paragraph down into two or three shorter ones, it really isn't even that long. As long as you're happy with it - that's all that matters.
thanks
Hey, it's me! I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work today.
When a sentence ends with a period in dialogue, and it's the last sentence in said dialogue, then you make the period a comma. Next, if the word right after the dialogue is a tag and isn't a name, then you don't make it a capital. So your sentence would be rewritten like this: ""Oh great prince how we waited for the day of your return,” one angel woman sang.""Well, first off, I'll say that I am a christian, but not one of those that would get all huffy and puffy over a fictional work. But, I would like it if you stayed accurate to the bible, at least just a bit. First off, with all the lady angels swooning over Jesus and asking him to bed, I'd classify that as a sin, lust. (It's also a bit disrespectful to us girls, so be careful. Because trust me, I don't want to get into Jesus' pants and I doubt the other angels would either.) Next, we've got God swearing like a sailor. No. Just no.
Now I understand this is all a backwards retelling, where God isn't exactly on the right here, but you could always keep God more or less in character while still having him be "bad." For example, the book of Exodus is always a good place to start. First, we have him plague an entire race because of something the Pharaoh has done. Yet he'll still keep even his own people, the Hebrews, in slavery when he "Hardens the Pharaoh's heart." Even if God had good intentions, you could still bring up all the supposedly bad acts God has done while keeping it in the Bible's pages. You know?
So, I morally don't agree with this, but I'll keep this review fair and not an "omg(osh) your a blasphemer!!!11!!!" kind of review. Believe me, I'm not saying this.
For technicalities, please, please, PLEASE work on your paragraphing. You have literally four paragraphs, and you sure as heck have dialogue in here. With every new person saying something, add a new paragraph. If you're going from one topic to another, add a new paragraph. For example: "I went to the store. I quickly picked some chicken up and went back home." Even this is a bit iffy, but the paragraph is still based on a Store trip, so you can keep this in one paragraph. But then we get to this: "I went to the store. After I got home I pushed my kids off the roof of my house." (No, I wouldn't push kids off a roof, I just needed a drastic example.) These two sentences would need new paragraphs to separate a store trip from infanticide.
So, that's one thing.
Next we have dialogue punctuation. You keep having this.
One one final note, you've got a lot of angles hanging around. It could all be corrected to Angels, but if you decide not to, could you name three of them Right, Acute, and Obtuse? *nudge nudge, wink, wink, giggle giggle.* (I'm going to get so much crud for this, but who cares?)
So, in general, the premise could be enjoyable, but it isn't for me.
Keep Writing it, though!
Maddie out!
yes Mrs. Maddie I know that some of my work is inaccurate with the bible, and that is how I meant for it to go.....my book is suppose to show you a totally different story from what we know....I have been raised in church both my grndparents are preachers, so I very much know how the bible go.....What this is suppose to show a different story, ay in the beginning it say "Everyone knows the story of the bible. How god gave his only son to wash over our sins. And how Jesus will come back and rid this world of all sins as him and the devil duke it out for all mankind%u2026.Well what if we got it all wrong. What if it happens in a totally different way from what you were told? I am not saying this is the truth however; I am not calling it a lie neither. Let%u2019s just say that this maybe a new interesting way to look at life. Now let%u2019s date it back a couple of thousand years ago, only couple of days after Jesus ascended to heaven%u2026%u2026%u2026.." lol but thank you for your imput
This story was good, but you had a typo in almost every large paragraph. You also failed to separate a couple paragraphs properly. Anytime during a conversation when the one speaking changes it should be a separate paragraph.
Now personally I have no beliefs for or against any religion. But I have read every religious book, and using Hercules or Zeus or other gods and demi gods is blasphemous. The bible states several times there is only one god, anyone else is a false god and speaking blasphemy. It also says lust and greed are a sin. Meaning angels wouldn't have any sexual desire, and defiantly wouldn't be trying to have sex with or fight over Jesus. That would signify lust and greed.
I just figure I should warn you how some people are religious heretics who kill for blasphemy. And most of them are various Christian and Catholic families. The ones who believe so strongly in the bible that they don't go to doctors or hospitals because they believe God will cure them. Those kinds of crazy heretics exist. Personally I couldn't care, just as to let you know your story could piss off just as many as the amount of people liking it.
That said I loved the story, and look forward to your next chapters.
Thanks Kevin25a, I really would like to read some of your work as well....and I know a lot of people may hate my story but the kind of writer, and person who I am, I like to question things like this. What if heaven isn't like what we think......what if we got it all wrong and the Devil is the good on and God is the bad one, or what if there is a chance that not all demons are bad and not all angels are good....You know that's just things I think and write about......lol oh and I put Zeus, Hercules, Poseidon, and Perseus Jackson, because I thought it would be cool if they where top angels in the organization
Yeah like I said didn't bug me, I think mixed mythology is awesome. As someone who has died a couple times and been brought back I could tell you what happens. But I would do it in a PM, not publicly. But God is in no way malevolent or righteous or just. If you read the entire bible, God is just as evil as Satan is made out to be. He has smited billions of people to get rid of only a couple thousand who were greedy or spoke blasphemy. He has plagued hundreds of thousands, on several occasions. It even states that all except 114,000 or so will burn in hell when the rapture happens. There is 6.9 billion people on earth right now. That would mean almost 7 billion would be killed if it were to happen like right now.
The bible preaches forgiveness, but names hundreds of occasions God slaughtered millions in genocide. Based on the bible itself, God has killed more than Hitler, Osama, Saddam, and Stalin combined then multiplied by ten.
Also, no book or scripture thousands of years old is accurate, that's just common sense. Anything book or scripture that old has been changed and modified so much that it's obviously false for the most part. Doubting that would be ignorant, nothing exists for thousands of years, and goes unmodified, nothing.
Your story will certainly draw a crowd though.
To read everything someone else published, click there profile picture to go to their wall, click the portfolio option near the top, select the folder you want, then the story or chapter. Mine are Twin Blades, Children Of Shadows, and I'm publishing Isolation Zone with RoxieRain as a co author, although she deserves the credit of good reviews equally, bad are mine alone.
'He then grabbed one of the angle woman' Make sure you type angel and not angle XD
thank you for that...........lol but how did you like the chapter??
Very good just watch the paragraphing and spelling
okay thank you