Satan's Children chapter 2 part 1

by Holiday30

Published October 30, 2015

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

In twisted Biblical stories

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter 2

As you can see even though God cannot stand Satan, he knows he need him, so what do he do……..well it’s obvious, he makes a deal with Satan, and now all of Satan’s minions and demonic friends are unleashed on the world and Satan is loving every second of it. Satan is about to unleash his children to play.

Year 1000……..

“Men hold your ground. These creatures may be strong but our god will not forsake us. He will send his angels to help…..all we have to do is hold them hear.” A man yelled as him and his men fought back against the demons. They valiantly fought back but as the fight dragged on the more men died till all there was left was the man. He walked with bruises and scares all over him. He walked about 5 miles before falling to his knees. He then put his hands together and then closed his eyes. “My god who is in heaven, the one who saved my father and the one who will never forsake his people; please given me the strength to go on till you and your mighty angels can come save me. Amen.” The man announced to the sky ashe reopened his eyes to the night sky.

“You know he is not going to answer you?” A voice from the sky asked. “The man looked up to the sky and his eyes landed on figure that appeared to look like a man. The figure was sitting on top of a building. As the man looked closer he could see the figure looked like a man. But then he looked even closer and could see this man had green horns, and four green tales.

“He is a demon.” The man thought to himself. “I am beat up pretty badly but I see he has four tails, which means he is a weak level demon. Even though I am hurt I can probably still take him.” The man continuously thought. The demon just looked at him and smiled.

“Aye demon, why don’t you make your move so I can kill you and move on?” The man asked.

The demon looked at him and replied back, “Why would I want to kill you so fast……I haven’t even learned your name. I don’t know about other demons but I like to get to know my food more before I devoir them.” The demon then licked his fangs and smiled.

The man to smiled and spoke mightily. “You devoir me????? Ha! Don’t make me laugh I am extremely powerful and was the original leader of the forever nights. I will not give you my real name but I will give you my code name. For this name has great significates to me for it is the name of my great ancestor and I wear it proudly. Behold foul demon you are looking at ex-captain Saint Peter.

The demon looked at the guy with a blank look and said, “Saint Peter, I know I heard that name but from where?” He pondered for a moment as he continuouslytries to remember who this guy was.

The man losing his patients gripped his blade as he slowly inching his way to the demon. When a voice came out of the shadow of the building……

“You moron! Saint peter is one of Jesus disciples. The one dad had his minions kill like 600 years ago.” The voice said. The green horned demon ran to the edge of the building and looked down.

“Is that you Viss?” The green horned demon asked.

Saint peter quickly turned his head to the right to see another demon standing there. He had gold horns and four gold tales. However he was twice the size of the other demon and looked and acts more serious.

“Damn it there are two now, and the second one looks more deadlythan the first. I don’t know if fighting this fight would be a wise choice.” Saint peter thought to himself as he never took his eyes off the golden horned demon.

“So Viss why are you here?” The green horned demon asked.

Viss spit and replied back “Why else would I be here? Dad sent me to keep an eye on you Explosior.”

“Wait, what?!” Explosior declared as he flared his hands around. “I am Explosior, one of the deadly Satan six. I do not need a babysitter.” He finished as he stuck his nose in the air.

The two, Viss and Explosior continue to argue. “This maybe my chance to attack.” Saint Peter thought to himself.

He then charged the two and gave of a mighty “Arrgh!” As he swung his blade but right in mid strike something wrapped round his throat and yanked him to the ground. He struggled and fought against whatever had him.

“No need to squirm. A demon tale is both his strongest weapon and his greatest weakness. With that said you should know that any resistance at this point of time is futile.” A voice said from behind Saint Peter. Saint Peter body then went up in the air and was brought to a demons face.

“Damn it! I must of the worst of luck.” Peter mumbled as he looked into the eyes of the demon. The demon was a little smaller than the other two demons but unlike the other two he only had two tales. (His tails and his horns where red)

“Yeah, it seems like you do have a bit of some bad luck.” The red horn demon said as he tightened his tail grip round the Saint Peter neck.

“Hey it’s Igtytous, look Viss its Igtytous!” Explosior exploded.

“Yes Explosior I can see fine.” Viss said as him and Explosior walked towards Igtytous.

“Before I kill this human can I be told why was he allowed to live for so long?” Igtytous asked furiously.

“Aye don’t look at me I just got here.” Viss said as he started to stare at Explosior with accusing eyes. Then Igtytous took is mean glare off of Viss and focused it on Explosior.

“Wait, you guys I know how ya’ll feel but let me be the first to say this. I take pride in my food I just can’t eat and not know what it is, I got to get to know my meal.” Explosior said defensively.

“No, you don’t. It’s called food because it is what you eat. You don’t need to know your food to eat it, you just eat it.” Viss argued back.

“Eat, eat, and eat. That’s all you demons ever do. That’s why so many of us are out of shape because we don’t know what we are eating.” Explosior explained as he nodded his head up and down.

“I know that you didn’t just make a fat joke.” Viss said as he cracked his knuckles.

“Well of course not,” Explosior said as he rolled his eyes. “All I am saying is Viss if you would just take the time to get to know whether or not you are eating junk, then you might be able to lose that round gut of yours.” Explosior teased as he went a rubbed Viss belly.

Viss balled up his fist and gold smoke came from his nostrils. “That does it! You have called me fat for the last time. I am about to pound your little ass into the dirt.” Viss said violently.

Viss cocked back his hand and grabbed Explosior by his shirt when Igtytous spoke.

“Enough!” he said. “But Igtytous he dis-““I don’t care if he did I said enough! We bull shitted here long enough. Now let’s just kill this human and finish our mission so we can catch up with Reload, Satan Jr., and the four reapers.” Igtytous commanded.

He the snapped his fingers and a red fireball appeared in it.

Saint Peter chuckled a depressing laugh as he spoke. “Wow I never thought I would die like this.”

“Yes, I know it’s hard for you to grasp it. After all that you been through. I watched you fight off an army of demons and survive it. It’s a damn shame you are going to die without anyone knowing what you did.” Igtytous said as he held Saint Peter in the air.

“But then again it doesn’t have to end this way. What if I offered you a deal?” Igtytous asked.

“A deal?” Saint Peter chuckled. “My lord must really be testing me for real.” Saint Peter Gasped.

“Yeah, you can look at it like that.” Igtytous said as he brought peter close to his face.

“So this deal, what is it.” Saint Peter asked.

“How about you get keep your life and all you have to do is join me and my father’s legion.

Saint Peter bust out laughing and barely speaking said “You’re kidding right. Look the offer sounds very tempting. I mean I get to live and work for Satan, and may get a hand in changing the tie of the holy war. Damn that sounds good, but if I would take your deal then that means that I was never a true follower of my Heavenly father nor do I believe in his son. And if that’s the case then that means I don’t respect my code name, which has been passed down for generations and me and you both know how I feel about that name.”

“Unfortunately we do, therefore with a heavy heart I bid you farewell.” Igtytous said as he cocked his hand back.

Saint Peter then smiled and slapped his right hand onto Igtytous face. Then spoke aloud “In my right hand I hold god’s entire wrath as he spoke,for the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.” After he spoke those words lighting shot out of his hand. Igtytous gave off a loud screech of pain and agony as he held his face and hit the ground.

“You son of a bitch, I will kill you!” Igtytous screamed as blood poured from the left side of his face.

Saint Peter right glove that use to be metal grey had turn to rose red. He was in super pain when……

“You hurt our brother, so now I got to lay the hurt on you!” Explosior exploded as he charged at Saint Peter.

“Damn I forgot about the other two demons.” He thought as he watched the green horned demon charge towards him. He then spoke aloud and quickly. “My body is my temple, and it protects my spiritual being so he spoke, the LORD shall preserve you from all evil: he shall preserve your soul.” Lighting then shot out of his body and repelled Explosior as he went flying cross the forest.

Oozing out of his armor was blood as he moaned in incredible pain.

“Now that you are weak, I will end you swiftly.” Viss said as he lifted his fist in the air.

“Damn it I got to move.” Saint Peter thought to himself as he looked in horror of the Giant Demon who was raising his hand. “Move! Move! Move damn it!” Saint Peter yelled as he got his body to move and dodge the attack of Viss. Viss swung so hard though that even though he did not hit the ground it still left an impression of his fist in the ground. Saint Peter quickly then grabbed a paper that had ancient Hebrew writing on it and threw it over there with Viss. He then fought threw his pain and slapped his two hands together.

Tears flowing down his face he proclaimed “God’s light is forever strong in both day and night.” After he said that the paper began to glow.

“What the hell is this?” Viss asked as he looked at the light.

“Down you idiot it’s a heaven spell!” Igtytous said as he ran over and jumped on his brother and knocking him down. He then summoned fire sphere around their body. The spell went off as a shining bright light filled the dark forest and it sky with a bright light. Once the light finally disappeared Igtytous lowered the flame sphere.

“Igtytous are you okay? You do not look so good.” Viss said as he looked at his brother.

Igtytous looked back to see that Saint Peter was nowhere to be found. He smiled as he looked at the spot that Saint Peter was once standing in. “Damn he was strong, I am glad I got the chance to fight him.” He acknowledge as he fell onto the ground. His eyes were closed and his body laid there motionless.

“Igtytous! Igtytous don’t die.” Explosior sobbed as he hobbled over to his brother. Him and Viss continued to try to wake up there brother. They shook him, slapped him even pulled on his tails. He did not budge nor make a sound. The two demons sat there not budging from their older brother side as tears fell from there face onto his face.

Then a Mysterious black figure appeared. “Damn Igtytous you always find a way to get yourself fucked up don’t you?” The Mysterious figure asked as he walked up on the three demons.

Viss and Explosior turned to the black figure and both said “Vangoe!”

“Please children call me by my code name, the black reaper, when we are in the field working.” Vangoe said as he looked at Igtytous.

“We are not children!” Explosior exploded.

“Yeah, well ya’ll are definitely sobbing like some.” Vangoe retaliated back.

“Screw you! You would be just as said if someone you love was to die right in front of you!” Viss argued angrily.

“Died? Wait you think Igtytous is dead?” Vangoe asked as he looked at the two demons.

“Well yeah, I mean he is so un-responsive. We pulled his tail slapped him and even shook him nothing work.” Explosior explained.

“Well that does not mean he’s dead. I mean come on you guys we have seen him in way worst conditions then this after he is threw sparing with Satan Jr.” Vangoe reinsured both Explosior and Viss. He then put his hand on Igtytous body and closed his eyes. He could see and feel everything that Igtytous just went through.

“Damn, he may look like he didn’t take an ass whooping but on the inside his body is totally fried.” Vangoe thought to himself.

“Well Vangoe is he alright?” Explosior asked with wide eyes.

“Look don’t worry, your brother is a tough cookie. He is just breathing barely but at least he is breathing, so that is good.” Vangoe said as he picked up Igtytous body and began to walk away.

“Wait Vangoe.” Explosior pleaded with wide eyes. “It’s the black reaper when I am out here…….is that so hard?” Vangoe asked with irritation.

“No, but you might as well get over it because we still going to call you Vangoe.” Viss smartly mocked. Vangoe rolled his eyes and said “look you two look worn out and tired you should come back to Gehenna with me so that you all can rest.”

“We cant. Satan Jr. and Reload is still out here and that guy Saint Peter is really powerful and our siblings my need our help.” Viss answered back.

Vangoe then got in Viss face and dangled Igtytous in front of him. “Look I understand that reload and Satan Jr. is family and family should stand together but you got to understand something. The spell this guy used is past the normal demon slayer/exorcist powers.”

“Which means what to us?” Explosior asked as he jester with his hand.

“This means the guy you guys where fighting was either a monk or a fucking Holy warrior…..or even worse. Either way that’s dangerous for you all to be here now.” Vangoe argued.

“Yeah but we are hired level then reload so we should be going to get her.” Viss argued back.

“Yeah ya’ll are when ya’ll aren’t hurt and beat up but right now she has a way higher chance to survive against this man then you two put together.” Vangoe protested.

Him and Viss was in each other face and was mean mugging each other. When Explosior spoke, “Hey you guys let’s calm down okay. Viss Vangoe,” “Black Reaper!” Vangoe said as he cut off Explosior conversation.

“Fine! Damn dude, anyway the Black Reaper has a point. We need to go and get healed back in Gehenna.” Explosior finished.

“But Explosior, are you suggesting that we just abandon our sister and brother like that?” Viss asked as his bottom lip began to tremble and his eyes began to water.

“Look, no I am not saying that we need to abandon them but Viss tell me how much help we can be in the condition we are in. That guy, that saint, monk, Holy warrior or whatever the fuck he is, is too powerful for us to beat. We need to go home and recap and come up with a new plan. Besides Reload can hold her own and let’s not forget she is with thee most powerful demon of all times. This guy only comes second to dad and you know it’s true. Satan Jr. is by far stronger than all of us put together so I think our sister and brother will be fine while we go and re-cooperate.” Explosior explained.

“Yeah I guess you are right, but we will need to hurry back.” Viss said shaking his finger at his brother.

“Of course we will.” Explosior reinsured. Viss and Explosior then slapped high fives.

“Okay now if you two are done with this gay morale thing you got going on then please let’s hurry back to Gehenna where we belong.” Vangoe said as he continued onward towards the darkness in the forest.

Meanwhile struggling with his injuries and pain Saint Peter walked onward. He moaned and groaned with every step as he was still losing blood rapidly.

“Damn it I will die at this rate.” He thought as he grabbed the front of his head. His vision began to become blurry and it became extremely hard for him to breathe. He then fell down beside a tree a looked up at the stars. “You know he is not going to answer you.” Explosior words danced around his head as he remembered what the green horn demon said. “No I must not think this way.” Saint Peter proclaimed. “The lord is shepherd and he will not forsake me for the bible tells me so.” He said reinsuring his self that god was still going to save him. He looked at the stars and seen that the spelled a name. “Elizabeth.” He spoke as he closed his eyes.

“Snap!” A twig sanged as it broke the silence. Saint Peter eyes popped wide open and he grabbed his blade and quickly moved out of the forest into open land. Four needles came his way with some serious speed. He managed to block all four with his blade and yelled “Look you will have to come at me better than that if you plan to kill me.” Now, being very observant he was watching every inch of the forest that surrounded the open space; waiting, watching for another assault from the shadows of the tree. He began to grind his teeth together as he gripped his handle of his blade tighter, when out of the leaves of the biggest tree came hundreds of needles. The needles came at him with intense speed and deadly accuracy. He took his blade and began to deflect every needle and he almost did but one, just one that had this funky white glow came and shot through his leg and landed on the ground he grabbed his leg and closed his eyes like he was in pain. But when he reopened his he notice that he wasn’t bleeding and he was okay. He looked behind and seen the needle was in the ground.

“Did my assailant miss their attack?” He thought out loud. He was still very cautious and watched every bit of the forest for a while. Once he was sure there wasn’t another attack coming he went to go and move. He first moved his right leg, but when he went to go move his left……. “What the hell?” He proclaim as he looked at his leg with confusion. “Why can’t I move my leg?” He asked as he began to hyperventilate. That’s when he felt two hands grab his face and heard a woman’s voice ask “Well aren’t you a fine piece of white chocolate?” She then licked his face and without a thought Saint Peter turned and swung his blade as hard as he could. But when he turned around he saw that there was nobody there. The only thing behind him was that needle. He took off his to touch his face and it was still wet from where the woman had licked him at. Paranoid now looked around the whole forest but did not see anything and did not hear anything. Complete confused he holds his head and mumble “I know I am not crazy, I felt a tongue and I heard a voice.” Right then he felt a pair of hands run up his chest armor and the female voice said “Oh sugar you are crazy and I am going to enjoy killing you.” He turned again but once more he did not see anyone there. Grabbing his head again he just stood there confused and lost when heard a laughter coming from the west side of him. He turned quickly to see a demon with white horns and five white tales, and the demon was a woman.

The demon looked at the very hurt and confused saint Peter and smiled before asking “what cat got your tongue? Have you never seen something this beautiful before?”

The demon woman was drop dead gorgeous. She was about 5’0 with long black hair that was died white at the end, beautiful full lips, big and firm breast, an nice size hips with a round caboose to match. She also had beautiful dark rich skin and her eyes where silver. She batted her long black, with silver tip at the end eyelashes and smiled at the speechless Saint Peter.

Saint Peter swallowed hard a thought to himself, “She has got to be thee most elegant creature I have ever laid eyes on.” But the he shook his head quickly and mumbled to himself, “No, She is a demon, I don’t care how beautiful she is she is still evil.”

The demon woman walked by and flicked her hair in his face as whisper “Speak boy.”

“Oh you don’t want me to speak.” Saint Peter challenged.

“Oh?” The demon woman smiled back.

“Yeah because I was told that I am bit rude when I speak to demon.” Saint Peter yelled as he swung his blade. But the demon woman blocked his attack using her forearm.

“Damn. I guess I lost the element of surprise.” He thought as he stared into the demons eye. She then lifted her leg and kicked Saint Peter in the leg. You heard his bones crackle under the pressure as he gave out a loud shout before he crumbled to his knees. He looked up to the 5’0 even woman who towered over him with a smile.

“Well now you waste no time.” She said as she grabbed Saint Peter by the back of his head and began to move it closer to her vagina.

But Saint Peter snatched away and said “I wouldn’t even give the satisfaction.” The demon woman started to laugh and grin.

“You just know all the right things to say to turn a woman on.” She smiled as she kicked Saint Peter in the chest.

Saint Peter laid there motionless and breathless for moments as he gasp for air.

“Aw look at you clinging on to life, how sexy.” The demon woman laughed as she looked at Saint Peter, and how he was struggling and fight with every once of his remaining strength to stay alive. He went to go grab his blade when the demon took her foot and stepped on Saint Peters hurt hand. Saint Peter gave off and intense yell of pain as he released the blade and bold up into a little ball.

She then walked over and kicked Saint Peter over and picked him up and kissed him. She then let him go and he fell to the ground coughing.

“Well now even your soul taste interesting.” She said as she smacked her lips a couple of times. “It has the taste of enlightenment, like you are a monk. Strange though because most monks I run into don’t carry weapons. They carry around a book with words that my uncle followers put in there.” She continued.

“Wait did she say uncle?” Saint Peter thought to himself as he battled against the pain he was in.

“I mean they have to be the dumbest people I met like words could hurt me……I am the granddaughter of God, like those words won’t do nothing but piss me off.” She continued to explain.

“You liar!” Saint Peter scorned.

The demon looked back at the poor injured Saint Peter who managed to fight to his feet.

As tears ran down his face he spoke strongly. “My god, my father who is in heaven, would never create a creature such as you… Nor would be related to a devilish swine like you.”

“Well you are right about one part.” The demon reinsured the crying Peter. “God did not create me, however he still is my Grandpa just like your Jesus is my uncle.” She finished.

“Lies!” The crying Saint Peter spitted out of his mouth as he looked at the demon with a disgusting look.

“Look I don’t like it no more than you do but it’s true. I am related to both God and Jesus.” The demon spoke.

“Well we all are at one point of time but you gave up your blood line with god and betrayed him by working with the Devil himself.” Saint Peter argued.

“Betrayed god??? Well I guess you could look at it that way, but in my defense I think you would have to be loyal to someone or something in order to betray them. And by me not even knowing my Grandfather nor my uncle I highly doubt I could betray them if I never knew them. After all, my father never let me or none of my siblings go up to heaven and meet them.” The Demon woman explained.

Saint Peter looked at the demon woman with a confused look.

“Oh wait did you think I was a human at one point of time who traded her soul for something from the devil.” The demon woman asked.

“Well isn’t that how demons come about?” Saint Peter asked.

“Well most but I am one of the few extraordinary ones. You see unlike the demons you describe I was made from my father’s spleen just like eve was made form Adams rib.” The demon explained.

“So wait you are the first creation of the Devil?” Saint Peter asked.

“What hell no, I am third to the oldest out of my 5 siblings, but there is talk I am actually fourth and that I have a brother older that junior.” The demon woman answered.

“Junior? Who the hell is that?” Saint Peter asked.

“Wait you don’t know my older brother Junior? Wow you have been lucky so far avoiding him…..especially in the condition you are in. But looking at you I can tell you probably did battle with my other older brother Igtytous.”

Saint Peter eyes got wide as he remembered the red horn demon he did battle with. “That was her brother……but that would explain why he was so powerful and why the spell never killed him……..and those other two demons, where they her siblings to???? If so that would explain their power and confidence going up against me. But that is the case then the king…….the king has made the biggest mistake by trusting the demons and know they are doomed.” He thought to himself.

“Wait you said you might be the fourth oldest out of devil’s children…….do you happen to know the possible where abouts of your eldest brother?” Saint Peter asked nervously.

“Wait are you talking Junior or Igtytous?” The Demon woman asked.

“Neither of those two the other one, the one you know little about.” Saint Peter had answered back.

“Oh you must be talking about Dio Della Guerra.” The demon woman spoke.

“Dio Della Guerra????? That means god of war.” Saint Peter spoke out loud.

“Yep, that’s what my papa named him.” The Demon woman said with a smile.

Saint Peter eyes got wide as he remember way back when his grandfather told him how world peace was to come about.

“Look here sonny, at all this war and destruction. All this evil in the air, it just saddens me.” Saint Peter grandfather said.

“Grand pa, why is this happening?” Saint Peter asked.

“Well you know it’s a power struggle for all who wants power.” His grandfather explained.

“Mama said its cause the devil corrupted the minds of men and that all he wants to see is Chaos and death. And the only way to stop him is if Jesus comes back and smite the Demon King where he stands.” Saint Peter said as he swung his arms.

“So you think the devil is the cause of all this turmoil?” His grandfather asked.

“Well isn’t he?” Saint Peter asked anxiously.

“Well I am not for sure. See my grandfather told me when I was little, about your age, that there are three separate beings in hell as there are three separate beings in heaven.” His grandfather explained.

“Three separate beings in hell?” The young Saint peter repeated in confusion.

“Well yeah you see sonny you know how in heaven there is God who is the king, then you got the prince who is Jesus and the you have the holy ghost which is the force they use to do there miracles and blessings right.” His grandfather pointed out.

“Yea.” Saint Peter answered back as he shook his head with understanding.

“Well my grandfather believes it’s the same way in hell, You have the Devil, who is the king, then you have The god of war who is the prince and then you have the abyssal flame is there force that they used to cause chaos and hell on earth.” His grandfather explained.

“But grandpa then Jesus will still have to do battle with the devil in order to stop the madness.” Saint Peter exclaimed.

“Well sonny boy I don’t think that will be the case.” Saint Peter grandfather answered back.

“And why is that grandpa?” Saint Peter asked anxiously.

“Well I think in the end god will have Jesus as his champion and the devil will have the God of war as his champion.” Explains Saint Peter grandfather.

“But grandpa, the god of war is just a myth, an old wives’ tale. There is no proof that this guy even exist and furthermore he is not even mention in the bible. So how can he be the Devil’s champion if he does not exist?” Asked the over analytical Saint Peter.

“Well look at it this way not everyone or thing will be marked down for future generations to know. I mean like in this holy war that our people are fighting right now tells me how important your mother is and father is in this war.” Saint Peter grandfather asked.

“Well they are very important in this war.” Saint Peter answered.

“And why is that?” Saint Peter Grandfather continuously questioned.

“Because my father is the commander of squad 1 and my mother is chief Medical leader of the squad 9 also known as Medicore.” Saint Peter answered with confidence.

“Exactly but I bet you once history books are written your mother, father, nor our village will get any recognition. However I bet the famous Forever Knights will hog all the glory……yet it was your mother and father who put their lives on the line to protect not just their little village but also the rich people of Shining New Hope City, which is where the Forever Knights are supposed to be guarding. So you see just cause the God of war isn’t mention in the bible or any book we have read don’t mean he doesn’t exist….that just mean that we haven’t found the right source to tell us about him.” Saint Peter grandfather explained.

Saint Peter looked at his grandfather with wide eyes as he ooo-ed and awe-ed at his grandfather knowledge. “But grandpa how do you know so much about the god war?” Saint Peter had asked as he looked at his grandfather with such suspense.

“I knew that you was going to ask that my sonny boy……let’s just say that if I know about it then there is some type of record of him some where now doesn’t it.” Chuckled the old man.

“But where grandpa?” Saint peter inquired.

“Well that part I will leave to you to find. For you see if I tell you where to look or how I got my answer then you are excepting nothing but my truth, however if you go and seek it and find the answer then you can say I believe it because it’s my truth.” Saint Peter grandfather said wisely as he stroke his long white beard.

Saint Peter rested his eyes on the demon woman and thought “So maybe the old man wasn’t crazy, but does that mean the last statement he made to me before he died wasn’t crazy talk neither?”

Saint Peter then spoke aloud. “Foul demon woman-“

The demon woman put her hand up and stopped his sentence. “My name is Reload.” She said angrily.

“What?’ Saint Peter said confusingly.

“I said my name is Reload.” The Demon woman repeated.

“Okay Ms. Reload, tell me is this judgment day?” Saint Peter asked. Reload raised her eyebrows and looked at Saint Peter.

“Do not look at me like you do not know of what I am talking about. Is this judgment day when God sends down his champion, his son Jesus Crist ton do battle with your brother, the Devil’s champion Dio Della Guerra.” Saint Peter expressed.

“Wait, one you are crazy, judgment day is never going to happen…….my papa already said that judgment day was a sham to keep Christians in line and in check. Two Dio Della Guerra couldn’t be my papa’s champion being that he doesn’t stay in Gahanna with us.” Reload explained.

“Wait what the hell is Gahanna?” Saint Peter asked.

Reload slapped herself on the forehead and said, “Ya’ll so call hell where my papa so call burn souls forever at, is Gahanna, and for the record my papa hasn’t burned a soul in years.”

“Wait, what no, hell is where the damned go to be punished.” Saint Peter protested.

“Would you stop saying hell like that is the right term here…… Gahanna is where souls don’t get punished, but rather get a second chance. The Hell ya’ll refer to is the pit that is under Gahanna, and only the truly wicked souls go there.” Reload pleaded her case.

Saint Peter had a confusing look on his face before he spoke. “Yeah, next thing you are going to tell me is that all demons aren’t bad right?”

“Yes, you are right, not all demons are bad.” Reload said confidently.

“That’s absurd, demons are bad.” Saint Peter said as saliva spewed out of his mouth.

“No humans and angles are the bad ones. I mean ya’ll serve a god who makes you follow his vision, and what he believe is right because he has the power.” Reload argued.

“Not true the bible speaks of god giving us free will.” Saint Peter argued back.

“Free will is a bunch of B.S. just like judgment day. I mean think about…….you have so call free will to follow ones on path yet if you do not do this or do that then you get sent to so call hell.” Reload replied back angrily.

Saint Peter then look to the ground and began to think about what Reload had said. “Is she right? Do I really have control over my own life or is this just a sham? Is god just pulling the wool over my eyes, or is this demon woman just lying to me to get me to put my guard down.”

“Look even if you have some related truth to what you say then tell me why did the demons all of a sudden start attacking us humans?” Saint Peter asked.

“My father told us to……..he said it is a necessary evil that has to happen in order to keep balance among the world.” Reload said sadly.

“But if Gahanna is better than Heaven and if the angles and god are really the bad ones then explain to me why your father hasn’t come out and try to explain to us that he is good?” Saint Peter inquired.

“Well you humans wouldn’t believe him……I mean if all your life you hear that this person is bad then every time you see that guy you will label him as such. No matter how much good he does, no matter how much he cares about someone, no matter what, if he was label as a bad person then that is what he is. And that is how y’all treat my papa…….just because god label him as a bad guy then that is what it has become.” Reload explained.

“Yeah, but your farther is bad…..he disobeyed his farther that is why he became the damn one.” Saint Peter argued back.

“He only disobeyed god because he was order to kill his first child.” Reload answered back.

“Wait, what?” Saint Peter said as he looked at Reload. He saw that there were tears coming from her eyes. “Is she crying?” He thought to himself as he looked at the beautiful demon cry. She then picked up his blade and walked towards Saint Peter. Saint Peter still unable to move his leg became very fearful of the demon name Reload as she walked towards him. When she got in striking range he swung with all his might but she just blocked it and put the blade to his throat. He then swallowed hard as he thought that this was the end for him. He closed his eyes and awaited the finale blow but Reload just took his bold up fist and opened it. She then took the sword and placed it in his hand and said “Release.”

The strain that Saint Peter had been feeling on his left leg was suddenly gone…..he could move it again at will. He then turned to Reload who was on her knees with her head bowed down.

“Reload what are you doing?” Saint Peter asked of her.

“If all you see me as is evil then smite me in the name of your lord which you follow.” She replied back.

Saint Peter looked at Reload as he contemplated on what he should do. He felt like he knew that he should kill her but would he really be any different from the demons that kill his fellow humans and angels. “Who am I to take this demon life just because she follows the Devil? I mean after all she could have easily killed me but didn’t, even though I am a follower of her enemy Jesus Crist.” He thought as he looked at the weeping Reload.

He then took his blade and slammed it into the ground. Reload then looked up at the towering Saint Peter.

“But why?” She asked.

“Because I know my god would not approve of me taking a life that isn’t evil.” Saint Peter answered.

“But you said-“ “Look Reload I know what I said, but maybe not all demons are bad.” Saint Peter said as he cut Reload off and offered his hand out to assist her up.

She took Saint Peter hand and as she got up and their eyes connected. Right then Saint Peter had a flash back of his grandfather lying on his death bed. But just before he died he whispered something in Saint Peters ear. Saint Peter closed his eyes as he cheerfully thought of his grandfather.

Reload then hugged Saint Peter tight and said, “its people like you who gives me hope.”

“People like me?” Saint Peter asked.

“Yes because now I have more proof that not all humans are violent creatures like my father say they are. I mean there are bad humans out here who only want to hurt demons but even when I provoked you earlier and slang dirt on your belief you still chose not to take my life and I thank you for that.” Reload said cheerfully.

But then there was a rustle in the trees and reload quickly push Saint Peter down as a black fireball hurled towards them. It smacked Reload on the arms and sent her flying as she squealed in pain.

“Reload!” Saint Peter yelled as he got up and started to make his way over to reloads aide. That’s when another black fireball came his way; however Saint Peter was able to dodge it.

“Wow you are pretty good at this.” A voice from the dark part of the woods chuckled.

“Are you a coward?!” Saint peter asked as he looked furiously through the darkness of the forest.

“What was that??? Did you ask was I a coward? What would give you that notion that I was a coward?” The voice mocked back.

“Because you only attack from the shadows and real warriors attack head on.” Saint Peter explained.

“So I am a coward because I am smart enough to keep myself hidden from your eyes which give me the advantage in killing you. Well if that’s the case I rather be a living coward then a dead warrior.” The voice said from the darkness.

Saint Peter now watching a waiting for another attack from the dark part of woods when he heard “ssssssss.”

Saint Peter turned around to a pouncing 7 foot long purple snake with black spots all over it. But in a blink of an eye Reload quickly moved Saint Peter out the way and put her forearm up. The snake jaws clamped down onto Reload’s arm and it quickly wrapped itself around her body But Reload with her quick thinking took her other hand and grabbed the snake by its throat.

“Reload!” Saint Peter yelled as he quickly made his way to Reload’s aide.

But then Reload yelled, “No don’t come near me! I will be fine but you need to get out of here now. If you stay He is going to kill you!”

The snake hissed “Keep quite you.” As it squeezed tighter round Reload’s little waist.

“You let her go snake!” Saint Peter demanded.

“Omanga.” A voice from behind Saint Peter said.

Saint Peter then quickly turned around to a demon sitting on the same rock that Reload was sitting on when he first laid eyes on her. This demon however was all the way different from the other demons. For starters his skin color was different from Reload, Igtytous, Viss, and Explosior. They all had brown skin however this demon had skin as white as a blank piece of paper. Another thing was that the other four had two horns coming out of the sides of their heads while he had one black horn in the middle of his forehead. They had multiple tales while had one single long black tale. He also had so cold black eyes that made Saint Peter freeze where he stood. For the first time in a long time saint Peter was terrified. The demon hopped off the rock. He looked like he stood 6 feet even and as he walked passed saint Peter he whisper

“Now don’t you move child…..that’s the only way I can make sure you get a quick and painless death.” The demon then kept walking towards reload and the snake that was squeezing her.

“Please Junior let him go. He means us no harm. He is a good human.” Reload pleaded.

“Wait, that’s Junior?” Saint Peter thought to himself as he looked in horror.

“Oh my sister how I envy your love for these treacherous, and unworthy creatures. Tell me how do you and father, and our other 3 siblings find it in y’all heart to forgive these monsters who hunt us and want to kill us because we do not have the halo or feathery wings like an angel?” Satan Junior asked.

“Because brother he had the chance to kill me but didn’t.” Argued the in pain Reload.

“Oh sister, just because he passed up this opportunity to kill you don’t mean he won’t kill you. It just means he doesn’t want to kill you right now. I mean look at him. Does he have a face of a killer or what?” Satan Junior asked.

“I don’t care I trust him.” Reload answered back.

“Oh like you trusted Jonathan and Jyestha?” Satan Junior inquired.

“Don’t play dumb brother you know you had a hand in their decision making.” Reload said as tears formed in her eyes.

“No, all I did was show you their savage side. The side they hid from you to trick you into lowering your guard so that they could kill you. Just as this human is trying to do.” Satan Junior explained as he tried to touch his sister face but Reload just moved back and spit in his face. Omanga then squeezed even tighter as Reload gave off a sharp loud scream of pain.

Satan Junior was wiping the spit from his face as spoke, “now, now Omanga play nice with my sister. After all we don’t want to get on my father’s bad side.”

“Oh but master I was just showing her that expression that so many humans use so much. I was how do they say, loving her to death.” The snake laughed as he squeezed tighter round Reload. Reload gave off another sharp yell.

Both the snake and Satan Junior laughed but instantly stopped when Satan Junior felt cold steel on his neck. He then turned and looked at the badly beat up Saint Peter and asked with a smirk “And what the hell are you doing?”

“You let Ms. Reload go or so help me god-“ “So help you god what?” Satan Junior asked as his all black eyes peered into Saint Peters eyes. Saint Peter grabbed his chest for it felt like Satan Junior was burning his soul from the inside.

Satan Junior smiled and said “hey kid you got balls I will give you that, but honestly you got the sword pointed at the wrong one. I don’t have your girlfriend the snake does. So how about you walk over there and ask the nice snake to let your woman go?”

Saint Peter looked to the side at the giant purple snake with black spots all over its body. It was smiling at him when Satan Junior got behind the Saint Peter and pushed him. Saint Peter then hit the ground and looked back at Satan Junior who took his hand and motion him to go closer to the snake. Saint Peter then got up and walked closer to the snake.

The snake then got close to Saint Peter face and hissed “Well…..isn’t there something you want to ask me?”

Saint Peter swallowed hard as he looked the snake dead in its eyes. “I-I just wanted t-to as-asked if you c-could le-let Mss. Reload go?” He stuttered.

“What was that boy? I couldn’t hear you under all that fear that came stumbling out your mouth.” The snake laughed.

Saint Peter looked back and seen Satan Jr. just smiling. He then motioned his hand in the jester to suggest that Saint Peter try again. Saint Peter then looked at the Helpless Reload who was getting squeezed to death by the enormous snake.

She mouthed the words “run! Get out of here now!”

He looked to the ground and closed his eyes. “Well boy are you going to try again or not?” The snake asked excitingly.

Saint Peter then said “Amen.” And raised his head back up.

“Oh was you talking to your god….that’s good cause you are about to go see him in a few-““Shut the hell up you cowardly rat.” Saint Peter said as he cut Omanga statement off.

Omanga looked at the boy and thought to himself, “He is different this time. I can still since his fear but it’s not the gateway fear of petrification. No, this is the other gateway fear…….this is gateway fear of rage.”

All of a sudden the sky became heavy and Saint Peter spoke again. “Let Ms. Reload go.” He Demanded.

“Or what?” Omanga hissed.

“I will kill you and your master here and now.” Saint Peter Responded back.

The Snake bust out laughing. Saint Peter then sighed and began to take off his armor. He stripped all the way down to nothing but his underwear and socks.

“Now why in the hell are you naked?” The Snake asked.

“I want to apologize I forgot to bring my kimono with me today.” Saint Peter said as he waved his hand over the suit of armor. He then commanded, “Now cut through even the toughest diamond, Atsuryoku kata.” The Armor on the ground then began to glow and transform. Then a strong wind came and circles around Saint Peter. Once the wind hand calm Saint Peter stood there in a black and gold kimono on. In his right hand he held an ox tongue spear. The pole was black with a gold spiral circling it. The gold spiral goes all the way up to the blade part of the ox tongue. The blade part was stainless silver and has a gold streak that runs from the spiral to the gold jewel that sat in the middle of the blade.

Satan Jr. clapped and praised in amazement. “So you are the one we were looking to kill. The one that my father wants. The Buddha bladder. Oh how Ironic, here my sister was protecting the one person she supposed to kill. Oh sister tell me what you will do now that you see this human is our Buddha bladder that our father wants dead. Are you going to defy our father and try to save this human or are you going to be the good girl that we know you are and help me kill this sorry son of a bitch?” Satan Jr. laughed. Tears ran down Reload face as she was confused on what she should do.

She thought back to when they first got there mission.

“I need you 5 to go to this Kingdom and destroy it.” Satan orders his kids.

“Aw but why dad? I thought we was the good guys……if that is true then why are we steadily going around and destroying stuff. Making people believe or grandfather is the good guy, when in reality we are just doing this so he can keep mind control over the people?” Explosior asked.

“Yeah dad, Explosior has a point. We claim to not be the monsters that people say we are yet that’s all we show the humans.” Reload reinsured her little brother statement.

“Tsk, you kids are fucking sad. We kill because it’s kill or be killed. The humans see us as monster, so let’s give them what they want.” Satan Jr. replied.

“No son, that’s not right. It’s not the humans fault. If you only hear one of the story all your life then that’s the only story you know.” Satan answered back ignoring his son answer.

“So why are we going to this Kingdom?” Igtytous asked.

“There is a Buddha Bladder there.” Satan answered his son.

Igtytous eyes got wide as gripped his sword and looked down at the ground. While Satan Jr. smiled an evil smile and ask, “Like the one in the forest we killed? Or that other one….you know the one who was so weak he got himse-“ Satan Jr. stooped as he felt cold steel at his neck.

“These next words you best to choose wisely my brother.” Igtytous growled fiercely.

Satan Jr. just smiled and said, “Brother I hope this isn’t you challenging me. We both know the outcome isn’t going to be pretty.”

Igtytous looked into his brother dark purple eye and mouthed the words “I have changed.”

Right then and there a red fire shot up Igtytous blade and sent Satan Jr. flying back on his heels. Igtytous then drew his blade back to his face and charged at his older brother with all he had. Satan Jr. summoned black fire to his hand and smiled as he began to charge at Igtytous.

“You said you have changed, well show me by how much little brother.” Satan Jr. exclaimed as he and Igtytous lunged forward at each other.

Right then in the nick of time Vangoe (a.k.a the black reaper) appeared in between them. He had both by their risk. Igtytous blade was inches away from Satan Jr. throat but Satan Jr. had his nails already piercing threw the center of Igtytous chest cavity. Vangoe then threw the two across the room as both of them went flying back on their bottoms.

“You two are brothers. I am not saying ya’ll can’t have showdowns and duels but trying to kill each other is absurd.” Vangoe said disapointly.

Satan Jr. stood and brushed himself off and looked at Vangoe. “Look I am Satan Jr. and I hold fast to my beliefs. And what I believe in is that the human race and angles should be persecuted for treating me, a being of Royal blood like nothing but a treacherous dog. I will kill everyone and thing that is in Nirvana and anyone or thing that stands in my way will die as well. Even if that means killing my human loving siblings and our human loving father. Just some info you should think about the next time you decide to get in my way Vangoe.”

He looked at his father and sighed, then parted his lips, “father whenever you are ready for me to go reap those live of that kingdom let me know, till then I will be in my room.”

Satan just looked at his older boy and thought, “when son? When did your heart turn so black?”

Vangoe had walked over there to Igtytous and asked, “Are you alright?” Igtytous did not answer he just looked down with anger and despair. Vangoe seen blood leaking out where Satan Jr. fingernails began to pierce. “Look Igtytous you are bleeding and unless you cover that wound…” Vangoe spoke as he reached to try to cover the wound when Igtytous smacked his hand away.

“I don’t need you to watch over me like I am a child. I am not the same weakling I use to be.” Igtytous preached.

“I never said you were.” Vangoe protested.

“So why interrupt me and Junior’s Fight?” Igtytous questioned.

“Because you and him are brothers and-“ “Bullshit, you knew from the jump I wasn’t going to kill my brother, however you didn’t know if he would hold back or kill me. You thought I couldn’t handle myself down there.” Igtytous said as he cut off Vangoe.

“Look I know that Buddhist monk Pharaoh may have taught you some stuff, but-““Some??? No not some, a lot he has taught me a lot. I will show you the next time me a junior cross fists.” Igtytous then got up and looked at his three younger siblings and then he hit the wall.

“I have gotten stronger and I will show everyone that.” Igtytous announce.

“Well you don’t have to show me…..because I can already see that Igtytous.” Explosior said.

Igtytous looked up to his little brother who was smiling with his thumb up. He then looked at Viss who raised his fist high in the air and finally looked at Reload who not said a word nor made any type of movement.

“And you reload?” Igtytous inquired.

She smiled and said “I remember it just like yesterday…….a hundred years ago everyone thought that you was the weakest…..I mean all you do is create really hot flames right? Like you couldn’t even stick with training dummy let alone put a scratch on Explosior even. You constantly boost about how you would become the powerful one out of all of us but all we did was laugh. Then you met a Buddha bladder who took you under his wing. In fact we never even saw you again till about 5 years ago when and Satan Jr. got into. And he drew back a summoned his black flames, I thought I was done for, but then you came out of nowhere and grabbed his hand. Black flames and all. And all I could do was sit there and think to myself…..he just defused the black flames; does that mean he surpassed me……or even Satan Jr.? Well in my opinion you have. So go and make us proud my brother.”

Igtytous looked down and smiled……as tears ran down his face Vangoe spoke softly.

“Master Igtytous, if I ever gave you the impression that I thought you were weak or so inferior that you could not hold your own in a fight than I am sorry. My attentions was never to make you feel inferior, I just didn’t want you to lose your true essence. But I see now all I did was weaken your pride. Therefore from here on out I am taking the handcuffs off you. Go ahead and show us, no better yet the world what you have become.”

Igtytous turned and began to walk away. As he walked away he whisper, “Thank you all.” Vangoe smiled as he watched Igtytous walked towards the door. Igtytous stopped and put his hand on the door and blurted out with fierce confidence.

“Father I will accept this mission, but I will do it my way. I will not persecute and kill an entire kingdom which I know I can save. And I will not kill a man who has done nothing wrong. I will find The Buddha bladder and ask him to join us in our quest to free the world from my grandfather’s control.” Igtytous then walked through the door as Satan just smiled.

“My children, each carries a flame that was once part of me now is instilled in them. The green flame, the explosion of my youth and happiness when god first brought me into this world. The gold flame, first awoken inside of me when the world my father work so hard to create was almost destroyed a very powerful foe……King Titan. Then the luxurious white flame, came after I created my very own angle. Then my black flame…till this day I still feel like I made a mistake by giving life to this flame. This was my flame of anger and despair after my father cast me out of heaven. I thought that my life had no more purpose I lost all hope till I met you Anartie. You gave me hope and purpose which ignited my red flame. The flame of light, which shines so bright in my boy Igtytous. Little do my son know, but I shaped him in the spinning image of his uncle. I just hope that you two can do as Anartie said and come together and protect my last flame. The blue flame which is my desire to protect all human beings. I will not manifest this one into a demon for Anartie said that this flame will need to be installed into a human child. If so and what he told me is true then my son and my brother you all will have to fight a fight bigger then my fight when I fought King Titan. And what better way to test you Igtytous then to make you race against the clock to beat your brother, and god’s angel. I look forward to seeing if you can do it or not.” Satan thought as he watched the door shut.”

“Well sister?” Stan Jr. asked. Reload train of thought was broken and she came back to reality. “Which will you choose, but choose wisely otherwise you will end up dead.” Satan Jr. said with excitement. 

Tears began as she bit her bottom lip and thought very hard on the choices given to her.

“Well?” Satan Jr. antagonized.

“What type of monster are you?” Saint Peter asked.

“What do you so ever mean?” Satan Jr. inquired.

“Why would you make her choose?” Saint Peter asked.

“Because the choice is obvious.” Satan Jr. smirked.

“Damn you!” Saint Peter said with much hostility.

“My, my; what an angry little man. Well then you choose for her.” Satan Jr. said as he conjured up an evil smiled.

“What?” Saint Peter asked in confusion.

“You see my poor sister over there seems to have this thing….this belief if you will that human beings are not savages. That they are just misguided creatures. You would think that after the first two betrayed her she would get it through that thick head of hers that humans are horrible creatures. But I can’t completely fault her, after all our father keeps fill her head up with this non-sense about how wonderful the humans are and how all angels aren’t bad. A bunch of bullshit, don’t you agree?” Satan Jr. asked.

“No I don’t.” Saint Peter answered.

“Excellent then you will give your life for hers, correct?” Satan Jr. asked with enthusiasm.

Saint Peter looked at the ground.

“Peter listen to me. I know you are good. I know you have good attention just like I know you have a good heart. My brother won’t kill me, so please do not fall for his trick to kill you.” Reload explained.

Satan Jr. Then snapped his fingers and the snake began to squeeze reload really tight as you heard one of her bones crackle under the pressure of the squeeze. Reload bellowed out with extreme pain and agony in her voice.

Saint Peter looked up.

“Let her go.” he demanded.

“What is your choice?” Satan Jr. asked.

Saint Peter then gripped his spear and then launched it into the ground. “You have a deal.” Saint Peter said as he walked away from the spear. Omanga then unwrapped himself from around Reload and quickly wrapped himself around Saint Peter who bellowed in pain. Reload battle to her feet as she charged her brother.

“let him go!” She raged as she pulled out an neddle and went to go stab her brother. Satan Jr. Just dodged her attack and then countered it with a right hook that sent her flying into a tree. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

hey, Holiday! Adrian jumping in here for a quick review! Keep in mind that I have not read the first chapter, so I'm sorry if I seem generally clueless on that front.

Also, another thing, while this is in parts, it's also still a little to long to be posted and read easily. Maybe cutting this done in halves or maybe into fourths and posting it that may might be better in getting more people to read and review this. 10,000+ words is a little daunting to try and get done all at once, but hey, I'm going to try and give it a shot. :P

It's obvious that there's an issue with ellipses after scanning through he entire thing. The series of dots is way too long and it gets distracting and detracts from the effect that they probably should have. Instead of creating suspense, it just stands out on the page. An ellipses should be three periods in a row. The Punctuation Guide on ellipses might be helpful here.

“Men hold your ground. These creatures may be strong but our god will not forsake us. He will send his angels to help…..all we have to do is hold them hear.”

There needs to be a comma after 'men', I'm pretty sure that 'god' needs to be capitalized, 'his' needs to be capitalized as well if it's pertaining to God. The ellipses needs to be cut down to three dots and I'm under the impression that if 'help' and 'all' aren't a part of the same word, then the ellipses need not touch 'all'.

It feels like the fight scene could have been prolonged just a tad or maybe the horrifying specifics could have been done into a bit more. More blood and gore would always be appreciated. Emotion being tied into those sentences of battle would probably help too, as Saint Peter watched as his friends and fellow men died around him and as he slowly realized that he was the last one left. Or maybe that wouldn't really suit the story, but those few sentences definitely deserved to be extended.

The thoughts could be formatted a bit differently. It was a bit difficult to differentiate them from actual dialogue until the following tag and even then they still got jumbled in the mess of it all. Some authors, like myself, prefer to use italics to separate the thoughts from the dialogue and the rest of the stuff. Then there's also using nothing at all and just going (ignoring the bold): Oh my lord, he thought. That was a close one. Then someone people use signal quotation marks, which works out rather nicely. Anyway, my main point is that it probably would be best to switch to something other than the double quotation marks.

There's a similar style issue when later on, Reload is thinking about her mission. It all just blended with the story and it was easy to forget that it was supposed to be a break in the flow of things. A three asterisk break is sometimes used in order to signify a flash to the past and a flash to the present and it might be better for reading quality to insert into the story. Especially since Saint Peter also takes a dip into the past to talk about his grandfather.

The man to smiled and spoke mightily. “You devoir me?????

As far as I can tell, devoir means 'a person's duty', so you probably mean 'devour'. :P Also, that's way too many question marks right there. Cutting it down to one would get the point across. Any more than that would appear to be comical.

I do have to admit, the dialogue between the demons was enjoyable. Oddly enough, it gave them a human-like side and I found myself laughing at some parts. Some parts of it didn't feel as realistic and natural sounding as it could have (I would paste exactly which parts didn't have that, but it's not in my notes). If they were given stronger cues to differentiate who was talking, then that would definitely help that area a whole lot more!

Igtytous said as he cocked his hand back.

While 'cocked' may have the meaning you're looking for, it doesn't really fit right there. More often than not, I see it being used with tilting your head to the side.

“Damn I forgot about the other two demons.”

Demons don't seem like the type of thing that would easily be forgotten.

There is a slight issue with dialogue spacing somewhere in the middle of this chapter, where Explosior was speaking and then someone else started to speak and there was no dialogue break. That happened enough times throughout the thing where I thought it should be brought to attention.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not all that certain why Reload is giving away all of that information. If she wanted to kill Saint Peter, then answering all of his questions would have just gotten in the way. Typically, a lot of "villains" and "bad guys" do this to stall or reveal relevant information and in some ways, it could just be called lazy writing. Obtaining the information in a different matter might be a little bit more realistic and it might flow better.

...attack from the dark part of woods when he heard “ssssssss.”

The 'sssss' would probably be better described as a hissing noise.

Right then in the nick of time Vangoe (a.k.a the black reaper)

That information has already been revealed. It doesn't really make sense to add that in there unless the reader didn't already know of that before hand.

“And you reload?” Igtytous inquired.

While he's probably asking if Reload is ready or not, the lack of capitalization and the lack of a comma makes it seem like he's asking her if she reloads or not. Kinda funny. xD But yeah, I'm not sure if I've brought this to your attention but there is a slight problem with missing vocative commas throughout most of the dialogue which leads to minor mishaps such as that.

Anyway, I don't really have that much to say about that story other than that! I do hope that you keep on writing!

~Adrian, Knight of RED.

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Evalynne
Review
Evalynne wrote a review Review · Jan 4, 2016

Hi! I'm here for a review for you! :)


Okay, so first off this was a pretty interesting piece to review. You have what seems like a solid basis for a story, and the plot is one I would read if it was a book to buy in a store, but I feel your grammar is off in some places, and your wording could do with some help.


For example, your grammar in dialogue is incorrect.

If it is a tag eg. 'he said', 'she whispered', the sentence in the speech marks should end with a comma or alternative punctuation, and not a full stop. Unless the next word is name, the first letter should be lower case.

If an action comes afterwards. 'She hit him', 'Michael ran' the sentence in speech marks should end with a full stop or alternate punctuation, not a comma, and the word outside of it should be capitalised.

Think of it as a tag being a part of a sentence, and an action being a different sentence entirely.


Your wording is also a bit clunky in some places, try and shorten some long, run on sentences with clumsy wording, and most of the clunkiness issues should be sorted.


Hope this review was helpful! :)

Thank you for the review its really helpful



If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi