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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Beging of the final chapter of Satan's Children

by Holiday30


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

“Isaiah, stop. Don’t go.” Rachel cried.

“Rachel, you know I cannot. Tiffany and her family are being held captive by our brother. It’s my fault they are there and I have to go save them.”

“No, Isaiah. You have to stop blaming yourself. You wasn’t strong enough to kill Satan Jr. None of us was.”

“No, damn it Rachel you are wrong I did have the power too.” Isaiah said as he bald up his fist. He remembered back to when He and Satan Jr. fought back in Gahanna, when he was Igtytous. He had the chance to kill Satan Jr. but didn’t. Instead he let his brother live.

“Yeah, well you defiantly don’t have the power to beat him now.” Vaniah countered.

“Yeah, if you go now, you will die bro. Even if you transform back into Igtytous, that still might not be enough.” Elijah said sadly.

“Look E, you right but still I love her. I have to go and save her.”

“Well at least wait for master Donnville come back. He, and our brother little Watts will be back and we will have more fire power to-”

“We don’t know when they will be back.” Isaiah scorned Rachel for trying to make him wait. Rachel went quiet.

“Look, I do not want you all to come on this suicide mission with me. You should live. We are free of the curse name demons now. Look at us we are humans, or well at least look the part now.” Isaiah smiled. “Go on, live the life our father wanted for us. The life where people do not fear us. Continue on saving lives like we have been doing, go on and show god, that we are more than just some destructive creatures.”

Isaiah then turned towards the door. “Rachel.”

“Yes?” She asked.

“You are the next to the oldest, so I am leaving you in charge. Try to watch over Vaniah and Elijah……” Isaiah laughed as he looked at his other two siblings. “Because if you don’t they will drive you crazy.”

Tears ran down Rachel, and Elijah’s face.

“No bro, her nerves aren’t the same as yours. It won’t be as fun with ticking Vaniah, if you not the one scolding me for it.” Elijah sniffled.

Isaiah looked over to see Vaniah, but he was no longer in the spot he was in. Isaiah then took a deep breathe. “Look, you all take care of yourselves okay?”

He then took off at top speed. Rachel fell to her knees. “Now what?” She asked.

That’s when Vaniah came down the stairs. She turned as she since his huge energy source. He had transformed back into Viss.

“Vaniah?” She asked as she watched her little brother.

“Look Reload, I know how much it means to be free. To be able to walk among the humans. We do spectacular things help a lot of people but Reload are we really free? I mean we walking around in skin that’s not ours. In bodies that is not ours, and I am sick of pretending.”

“But Vaniah…brother, if you go out there and the humans see you, see us for what we are they will not only be afraid of but will try to kill us. Are you saying Eric, our father, the man who died so that we can be this way, are you telling me that he died for no reason? Are you and Igtytous both going to go out there and disrespect the man, when all odds was against us, protected us, are you really going to do that?”

Viss blew once. I am sorry sis, but I will disrespect him, god, and even our real father for Igtytous……because let’s be real. In yo heart, the one you have beating in yo chest, tell me you don’t feel like Igtytous will do the same for us?” Viss walked out the door and began to move trying to catch up with his older brother.

Once Elijah stopped crying he got up and stretched his hand put to Rachel. “C’mon.” He smiled. “We not really going to let Igytous and Viss out do us.

Meanwhile in abandon Factory…………………………………………………………………………

“Ugh! Where the hell is Igtytous? Doesn’t he know we have bitch? Omanga!” Satan Jr. yelled.

“Yesss massster?” The Snake slither.

“Why hasn’t Igtytous came? I thought he loved this woman.”

“Well he did kill two titans behind her. So it’s only right he will come….unless, you little hore what did you do to Master Igtytous? Did you hurt him? Did you destroy his heart?” Omanga asked.

“You watch your mouth when you address my daughter you repulsive, disgusting ass worm.” Tiffany father said angrily.

Omanga took his tail a slapped the spit out of Tiffany’s dad mouth. Both Tiffany and her mom turned their head as they made a sad sound.

“Do you know who you fucking with? I will kill you.” Omanga said as he slapped Tiffany’s dad once more. He continued to slap him over and over again, until……

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Tiffany cried.

Omanga slithered over there to her. “Bitch I will slap you!” He cocked his tail back and went to go slap her when his tail was caught.

“Now Omanga no slapping this one, until Igtytous comes.” Satan Jr. said as he stopped Omanga from hitting her. “He is coming right?”

“Who?” Tiffany asked.

“Igtytous, the one you dating.”

“I don’t know Igtytous.” She pleaded and in that flash Satan Jr. slapped her. Her mother squealed and began to cry.

“Bitch shut the fuck up. Masster can I at least slap her?”

Satan Jr. snapped his fingers and Omanga stepped down.

“You say you don’t know Igtytous? Then who is this?” Satan Jr. asked as he showed Tiffany the picture.

Tiffany eyes got wide. “That’s my boyfriend Isaiah.”

“Isaiah?” Omanga hissed. “Who the fuck is Isaiah?”

“My boyfriend! Now what do y'all want with him.”

Satan Jr. and Omanga both just looked at each other. And then the picture while mumbling out loud.

“When you abducted this family from their home did you like drug them so they would come more easily?” Satan Jr. asked Omanga.

“What? Hell no massster. You know I like it when my prey fights back. It’s the only way I can get my rocks off.” Omanga answered back.

“Hmm, that is true. You are a sick mother fucker who loves shit like that.” Satan Jr. laughed.

“I know right!” Omanga joked back.

Tiffany just closed her eyes. “I wish my older sister Tara was here….” She thought.

“You two are crazy.” A female voice said. Satan Jr. and Omanga both looked up. It was Deception and Bain.

“Bae! You mad it.” Satan Jr. said as he ran over there to her. They kissed before walking over to the Eaglehorn family.

“Okay baby,” Deception started.

“Yes?” Satan Jr. asked.

“Do you remember what your siblings look like when we ran into them?”

“Well yeah.”

“Uhuh, and didn’t you notice that they looked different?”

Satan Jr. sat there and pondered for a moment before it hit him. That’s when he looked back at the picture.

“His horns and tail, they’re missing!”

Hey, I could use a couple of great suggestions on how this story can go as well so please after you comment or review, just leave a little sidenote on whioch way it could go.....I love it when readers get involed with my work as well thankl yopu


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User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Sun Sep 11, 2016 11:53 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by and review this for RevMo.

I know you've asked for suggestions as for how to keep going with this and end it, which I'll try to give you, but the problem is we haven't read the rest of the story, so we're not really sure what's happened so far and what still needs to happen before the end of the story.

I did enjoy the first part of this chapter, as Isaiah is saying goodbye and it's all very sad and heartbreaking. I think it would have made more of an impact on me if I had read the rest of it and knew the characters a bit better.

However, the biggest thing I noticed was that your dialogue was very stiff and very general, It's just a little awkward to read, and I feel like I've read the same scene dozens of times, where the main character decides to go do something that's likely going to get him killed, and his friends/family/lover are sad and try to stop him. So: what is unique about this scene? What unique objections would the characters have, what are the things that they would say to him if they think they're never going to see him again? As for the dialogue, try reading it out loud, and if it sounds cheesy or fake, then try re-writing it until it sounds more normal. Dialogue is tricky - it's one of those things you just have to practice.

I didn't really enjoy the second part with Satan Jr. I'm not a big fan of swearing, and there were many of the same problems as with the first scene - mostly that the dialogue is odd.

As for how to end it, I liked the realization that the horns and tail are missing, but I don't understand the significance of it. I guess what I'd recommend is that you have a final confrontation, with Satan Jr. tracking Isaiah down and them fighting or whatever.

Hope this helps! Good luck, and keep writing!




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62 Reviews


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Reviews: 62

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Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:11 pm
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Good afternoon, Holiday30. AnarchyWolf here to review.

The tension in this piece is very well-done. There's tension all the way through, as well as sadness when Isaiah goes back to get his girlfriend. There's also a lot of anger and a sense of urgency in the scene at the abandoned factory, especially towards the end. The cliffhanger-type ending works well with this, and gives the reader just enough information to stay interested, and stay informed.

Now for the smaller nitpicks:

Spoiler! :


Satan Jr.

It sounds kind of funny. As in, comedic. The rest of this didn't read as a comedic scene, so perhaps change it to Satan's son?

none of us was

none of us were

“No, damn it Rachel you are wrong I did have the power too.”

"No, damn it. Rachel, you are wrong - I did have the power to."

bald up his fist

Balled up his fist

you will die bro

you will die, bro

Elijah……

Elijah...

Viss blew once. I am sorry sis, but I will disrespect him, god, and even our real father for Igtytous……because let’s be real. In yo heart, the one you have beating in yo chest, tell me you don’t feel like Igtytous will do the same for us?”

Viss blew once. "I am sorry, sis...
For Igtytous...
would do the same for us

slither.

slithered

until……

until...

the one you dating.

the one you are dating.



I found the excessive swearing, particularly in the final scene, off-putting. I know this piece has been rated 18+, and for good reason, but this level of vulgarity isn't needed. A few well-placed swearwords really impact upon a scene and a reader, but when they're used as frequently as they are in here, it just detracts from the whole chapter. I'd recommend using swearwords more sparingly - there are other ways to make the bad guys seem bad, and there are a lot of other ways to make them seem intimidating.

More description wouldn't go amiss here. Do it by showing rather than telling. What does the factory smell like? What does it look like? Are there any particular tastes or feelings that you get when you're in there? Describe them to the reader to set the scene well. Metaphors and similes work very well for doing that kind of scene-setting.

As for ideas - they're for you to work out. No-one knows your characters and plot better than you. My best advice is to plot out numerous ways everything could pan out, and pick your favourite.

-AnarchyWolf




Holiday30 says...


Thank you for the review




you should no this
— Hijinks