Diary of a Deicide: Part 2/3

The Diary of Ken-Shalot

Year 892 OHG (Of His Guidance) 3rd day in the month of leaves

Beloved,

When first I met Senedar I mistook him for just one more discontented nobleman among many, frustrated in seeing his inherited power diminish, year by year. I would not make that mistake if I met him today, as many are for the first time.

The first of our Voices went out today, at Senedar’s instruction. I helped to prepare their robes, and taught them the minor enChantment woven into the cuffs should they need to escape. Many have near perfect pitch, and are well suited to simple chants. Senedar has planned ahead, so that none of the Voices will know enough to disrupt our plans, should they be taken. He has planned for much, and the Voices will sew discontent where there was little. I suggested that they might target the adjudicators, as He Who Guides still enjoys widespread support, at least among those with political heft. The adjudicators, on the other hand, are often maligned as heavy handed in their judgements, and unrelenting in their zealotry. Senedar disagreed. It is no longer the time, he told me, with that infuriatingly self-assured smile of his, for half-measures. No, I would not mistake him for a discontented nobleman, he is the firebrand revolutionary, though I now see that was always the case.

Year 892 OHG 5th day in the month of leaves

Beloved,

There was a raid on the mansions last night. It was an indiscriminate event, with dozens of watchmen and Breathless poking around in what amounts to a small city of abandoned complexes. One of our Voices failed to report in, Q, and Senedar reasons that he must have known more that we presumed, though not enough to damn us.

So I am writing this from Savandra’s Key. It seems an age since we first met here. I remember the raucous laughter, and the clink of glasses being served. I remember the first sight of your gossamer hair, the first glimpse of your beautiful scowl. Such a fool you must have thought me! You were there from the first. You were Senedar’s match. I wish you were here with me now.

Savandra’s is quieter now, serving as one of our bolt-houses in the inner city. The rustle of careful footsteps and whispered reports mark Senedar as a constant centre of attention. I am sure there is much he withholds from me, and that he keeps me close to keep an eye on me, and to use me, should the time be right. I wonder if my suggestion regarding the adjudicators has affected his trust. He laughed off my suggestion that it had. You would have known what to say, how to disarm his easy charm.

Year 892 OHG 10th day in the month of leaves

Beloved,

Smoke blots out the sky across the southern horizon, so that one cannot even glimpse the mountains. His legions are burning the grasslands as they retreat, scorching the earth to leave nothing for the Imperial coalition. He remains in His obelisk, and in another leader that might seem like cowardice, but of course it is not. Throughout the night, bright flashes of light can be seen emanating from that great tower. Unearthly sounds, unnameable abominations, echo forth with wicked abandon. It is a sign of our times that they reassure the populace. They say as many as fifty thousand men march beneath the coalition’s banners. What good are blades against such nightmares?

The adjudicators prepare the city for siege, even as the town-criers still crow of our imminent victory, His imminent triumph. Our Voices have added another note to this song though, and discontent is beginning to simmer. There was a riot near the city granaries, more blood in the streets, more executions for no crime worth mentioning other than the will to survive. Our Lemuire has been informed that another legion has been readied to fight the invaders, but will be kept back to protect the city.

Is this what we hoped for? I remember that night in the canals, when you told me of a new dawn for our Lemuire, and I believed you. I imagine those canals will run red with blood before this is over.

Year 892 OHG 13th Day of the Month of Leaves

Beloved,

There is fighting in the streets, even though the coalition is nearly a week away. A fire spread through the granaries, and the word is that a siege will see half the city starve. I heard one of our Voices spreading that message, even as he called upon the citizens to rise up, and save Lemuire from a tyrant’s dictum.

There is to be another rally in two days, as our armsmen and legions return to defend the city. It has been announced publically, and the adjudicators have imposed a curfew in the days between. Rewards have been offered for the apprehension of “known traitors”. Senedar’s name is on the list, under one of the alias’s he used when provoking rebellion in the valley. Mine is not.

Senedar says this might be the best chance, the only chance. He has had a blade crafted with the necessary script, he showed it to me with pride. It is a beautiful tool, the finest I have ever seen. It will pierce any protection, crafted by mortal hand or another, so long as the enchantment is invoked.

I try to remember your dreams, of the free Lemuire to arise after the Day of Valour. To hear you speak was to see that day clearly. All I can remember with any clarity is your passion, your vision. I was always the scholar, never the dreamer, my father always despised that in me, and yet your dreams have led me here.

Year 892 OHG 14th Day of the Month of Leaves

Beloved,

Tomorrow is the day, Senedar has decided. I interrupted a meeting between him and a man with the accent of Marcillia, and he seemed almost embarrassed. How long has he maintained channels with the coalition? In hindsight it was necessary. He has planned beyond tomorrow, for the arrival of a victorious and resurgent empire. I wonder at what his price proved to be. Will the end of the month see the emplacement of Governor Senedar?

Were I a man of ideals, it might matter, but I am no longer so self-deluded. The Day of Valour will come, the new dawn will come. That is what history will say, and I think it likely that Senedar will wield the pen that writes it.

What has been done, cannot be undone, what has been said cannot be unsaid.

In my sleep I still hear His voice, saying your name on the steps of His obelisk.

Tomorrow will bring an end.

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Points: 4553
Reviews: 92

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 9:20 pm

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pendr wrote a review...

Heyo! Pendr here on behalf of the Firebolts! Two quick disclaimers: I have not read part one, for which I apologize. Also, my reviews mostly contain grammatical nitpicks, again, for which I apologize. Let's start!

"Year 892 OHG (Of His Guidance) 3rd day in the month of leaves" Just thinking, 'Month of Leaves' should be capitalized just as we capitalize August or January.

"I helped to prepare their robes, and taught them the minor enChantment woven into the cuffs should they need to escape." Either remove the comma after 'robes' or add an 'I' before 'taught'

"Senedar has planned ahead, so that none of the Voices will know enough to disrupt our plans, should they be taken." You don't need a comma after 'ahead' either. Both this and the above sentence are not compound sentences, so they do not need a comma.

"He has planned for much, and the Voices will sew discontent where there was little." Change 'was' to 'is' to keep it in the same tense

"No, I would not mistake him for a discontented nobleman, he is the firebrand revolutionary, though I now see that was always the case." You should either change the comma after 'nobleman' to a semi-colon or make the next part its own sentence.

"It was an indiscriminate event, with dozens of watchmen and Breathless poking around in what amounts to a small city of abandoned complexes." This kind of gets wordy around the end. And the meaning is questionable. Do you mean they only poked around in a small area of the place, or they poked around in an actual small city?

"Voices failed to report in, Q, and Senedar reasons that he must have known more that we presumed, though not enough to damn us." Change 'that' to 'than'

"So I am writing this from Savandra’s Key." Put a comma after 'so' because it's a transition of sorts.

"I remember the raucous laughter, and the clink of glasses being served." You don't need a comma after 'laughter'

" I am sure there is much he withholds from me, and that he keeps me close to keep an eye on me, and to use me, should the time be right." You can either remove all the commas besides the one before 'should' or you can take out all the and's you have after the commas to make it a list.

"He laughed off my suggestion that it had." This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Reword it?

"Smoke blots out the sky across the southern horizon, so that one cannot even glimpse the mountains." Once more, the comma in this is unnecessary.

"He remains in His obelisk, and in another leader that might seem like cowardice, but of course it is not." This, too, doesn't make sense after the first part.

"Unearthly sounds, unnameable abominations, echo forth with wicked abandon." I think this would be better if 'abandon' was simply changed to 'abandonment'

"It is a sign of our times that they reassure the populace." The leaders reassure the populace or the weird noises and lights do?

"Our Voices have added another note to this song though, and discontent is beginning to simmer." First, I really like the metaphor of the song here, and, second, you need a comma before 'though' as well

"I heard one of our Voices spreading that message, even as he called upon the citizens to rise up, and save Lemuire from a tyrant’s dictum." You don't need a comma after 'rise up'

"There is to be another rally in two days, as our armsmen and legions return to defend the city." You don't need a comma in this sentence

"Senedar’s name is on the list, under one of the alias’s he used when provoking rebellion in the valley." Make 'alias's' aliases.

"It will pierce any protection, crafted by mortal hand or another, so long as the enchantment is invoked." Earlier you had 'enchantment' with a capital 'C.' Which was is it supposed to be spelled?

"How long has he maintained channels with the coalition? In hindsight it was necessary." You need a comma after 'In hindsight'

"What has been done, cannot be undone, what has been said cannot be unsaid." You don't need a comma after 'done' and you should change the comma after 'undone' to a semi-colon

Alright. Once more I apologize for the annoying nitpicks! This is a very unique and intriguing story, and I feel it would be even moreso if I read the first part as well Silly me. Also, the format of the letters to his 'beloved' is really creative and cool. Well done!
-Pendr, the Firebolts

Points: 333
Reviews: 107

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 8:44 pm

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ChiravianSkies wrote a review...

Your description is very poetic in this one. That's all I can say about it. I can't describe it any better, actually. XD
The Voices kinda confuse me. Are they leaders, deities...? Nonetheless, I guess I'll have to keep reading the diary.
Just a bit of nitpicking here, you have a lot of stilted writing in here. It doesn't have contractions at all, resulting in a very formal looking speech, something I wouldn't expect form a simple soldier.
Noticing PenguinAttack's review below about the character, I haven't really thought of Ken that much. I have this bad habit of "Don't get too attatched" earned from Guardians of Ga'Hoole and Warriors, and so I don't really think about his psyche, intelligence, or things like that. It's only until I conclude this guy's going to live before I start thinking about him. And with a battle that is going to start soon, I haven't got that part down. To the next chapter I go!

Points: 240
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Sat Feb 14, 2015 4:57 am

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PenguinAttack wrote a review...

UGH Rubric.

This guy is an idiot. A fool caught up in the glamour of a nobleman who is fighting for power in a slightly more stable seat of government in the face of an indefinable creature of immortal value. What has this Obelisk guy done wrong anyway? Yeah the soldiers are terrifying and Adjudicators are clearly running high on their own sense of self importance and power but I have no idea why these guys are so eager to run to their previous oppressors? And that this guy is like "Hey my dead love, I remember everything you said and you were committed to your dreams and I am committed to you, so I'm gonna be doing this stupid thing."

It makes me so mad! Which really means that you're doing things right, definitely, since evoking strong emotion is the mark of a skilled enough writer! I'm sure furious about this bloke though, ugh. And I do think there needs to be some more clarity regarding what Obelisk dude has done because maybe I've read it wrong but I'm not sure why they are swapping one dictator for the other right now, it's not really explained. The other thing is that I'd like to know more about whoever this (presumably peasant) guy is? He must be unable to fight because they already did a draft, or is he a woman and I've made a gross assumption? Like, I'm not sure I grasp this guy's importance, why does he have to be watched? I'm sure you'll explain it, but in sections it's an annoying thing to encounter.

Again you're solid on writing though I'd love some more descriptions thrown in along the way. Looking forward to the next bit!

- Pen.

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