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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

All Secrets Untold - Chapter Two

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

So, I bet you're all wondering what happens after A Family Secret, right? Well, here it is. Enjoy!

NOTICE: This is now chapter two of a new novel. Enjoy and whatnot.

Chapter Two: All Secrets Untold

There was something slimy under his head, and it stank to high heaven, too. Chase groaned, face scrunched up as he turned his head to the side. At the same time, he stretched his arm out, wincing when it hit something solid and cold. His eyes flew open, blurrily focusing on the object. He couldn't quite make it out; it was so dark. The fact that his head was pounding wasn't helping either. Where the hell was he?

Chase made to push himself up and faltered. Raising his head was a bad idea. It just made the pounding worse. Wincing, he carefully shifted into a sitting position and reached for the pocket his phone had been in. It wasn't there. Chase started to panic, his breath coming faster and faster, mind whirling. What the hell had happened to him?

While he was sitting there freaking out, there was a scurry noise. It startled him. A moment later, a corner of the space was lit up by soft blue light. His phone. He scrambled to grab it and came face to face with a huge rat, sitting squarely beside his phone, with one clawed little paw on the screen. He froze up for a second and then screamed, bolting upright and whacking his head on something hard.

On contact with the hard surface, something smushed into his hair, making him grimace. He raised a hand to run his finger through his hair, grimacing again at the feel of rotten banana peel and dried blood. "What the hell?" he muttered, jerking his hand away from the peel and blood. "Where am I?"

The light faded and Chase jerked his head towards the corner. More scurrying and then his phone lit up the corner of the dumpster again. It had to be one, considering the rats and the trash all around him. He watched the rats suss out his phone before crawling over to it and snatching it up before the rats started chewing on it.

Chase turned fiddled with his phone until he got the light on and lifted it to see where, exactly, he was. As he'd thought, he was in a dumpster. Frowning, he checked it out before glancing up. The lids were closed and it stank like rotten milk, rat feces and stale bread. He pushed the lid up with a grunt and clambered out, stumbling when he dropped out onto the paving of an alley. It was night-time, the streetlights so bright they hurt his eyes.

He spent a moment trying to keep his balance, swaying slightly. Chase grabbed hold of the dumpster so he wouldn't land on his ass and lifted the phone so he could see it clearly. His vision wasn't so blurry now, but it was nowhere near perfect. Distant shapes were still blurred and muddy. He frowned at the phone, checking the time. 11:39pm. Where the hell had his night gone?

Below the time, there were several notifications. Ten missed calls--five from Eric alone, four from various family members and one from his lawyer. He'd missed them all by at least two hours. Beneath those were the message. One hundred and ninety-two. Over a hundred were from Eric. There were a dozen from the lawyer and the rest were family. Mainly his sister. He scowled and glanced up, checking out the alley and himself.

The alley was dark, the street beyond was quiet and he was absolutely filthy. He tried to dust himself off and gave up after a couple minutes. Some of the stains were never going to come out, and what the hell was smushed all over his face? Chase wiped it off, grimacing at the smell of rotten milk.

"Disgusting," he muttered, shaking his hand off before wiping it on his pants. In the light from the streetlights and his phone, he could see the blood all over his hands. It as caked on thick and had clearly dried--mostly. He ran a hand throw his hair again, wincing when he accidently poked at a tender spot. A second later, something hit the paving with a metallic-sounding ping. Chase turned and glanced down, squinting to see it. As the object came into focus, he discovered it was a bullet. Covered in blood and gore, but a bullet nonetheless. "What the hell?'

Right at that moment, his phone began to chime. He checked it only to find another message from his sister reading; Where are you? You promised you'd take me to the club but you're not answering your phone. Everyone is worried! Chase sighed and closed his eyes. Typical. Only his sister would tell him off when he's missing. He texted back quickly, making sure she knew he was okay; I'm okay, but I think I got really drunk. Let me call Eric. Of course, she wasn't his real sister, but no one needed to know that.

"Typical," he mumbled, scrolling through to Eric's contact details. "I really don't need this right now." He hit the call option and put the phone to his hear, listening to the dial tone. It took a few minutes for his boyfriend to answer the phone but when he finally did, it was a relief to hear his voice. "Eric..."

"Oh, my god, Chase! Where are you? What happened? Where have you been?"

Chase winced, grabbing his head. "One thing at a time, please!" he said, leaning against the dumpster more. "I don't actually know where I am or what happened...." He paused, glancing into the dumpster. Light glinted off metal, revealing a gun. That had to have been the thing he whacked with his hand. Chance frowned. "I'm in an alley and I'm bleeding." 

"Chase? Are you okay?" Eric asked, concern colouring his voice. Chase closed his eyes, rubbing his head. The tender spot was still there and it hurt. "Chase?"

"Eric. There's a gun here, too," Chase said, opening his eyes to look into the dumpster again. He had to consider it; had he done something? Shot someone? The thought made him panic and blurt out; "Oh, god...what I have I done? Have I even done anything yet? Oh, god, oh god, ohgod--"

"Chase," Eric hissed, cutting him off and then softening his tone. "Don't freak out! Just because there's a gun there doesn't mean you used it." His boyfriend paused for a moment, then asked in a soft voice; "Wait, where did you wake up?"

With a wince, Chase told him; "In a dumpster..."

"Oh, shit," Eric breathed, and he could hear the click on computer keys. "Hang on. Let me see where you are..." More clicking keys and then an exhale. "Weird. You're halfway across the city! What the hell happened, Chase? I went to the office but there was blood and you weren't there and I've been kicking myself for being a stupid dickhead and not listening to you when you said you had a bad feeling about your mother's disappearance!"

Chase cleared his throat, glaring at the ground. "Well, yeah...about that," he muttered, rubbing his head again. The tender spot wasn't so bad, just a lingering ache but it was still bleeding lightly. "Eric, I need to tell you something."

"No, it can wait," Eric said, voice stern. "I'm coming to get you. Don't go anywhere."

"Thank you," Chase replied, relaxing somewhat. Eric hung up after a few more words, leaving Chase oddly bereft. He shoved his phone into his pocket and went to retrieve the gun from the dumpster. After a second look at the puddle of milk in it, he could see that it was partially pink-ish-red and not quite wet anymore. How long had he been laying in the damn thing for? A few hours? Longer? 

He was just settling onto his feet again after retrieving the gun when the car pulled up on the street and Eric got out of the driver's side. He could see his boyfriend looking around, obviously unable to see him in the dark alley. "Chase? You there?"

"In here."

At the sound of his voice, Eric's head whipped towards the alley. Chase watched him close the door and turn on a torch, shining it towards him. The moment the light hit his eyes, Chase hissed and raised his arm to block it.

"Lower the damn light, Eric," he grumbled, shifting his stance. Eric gasped and Chase lowered his arm, noting that the light was aimed towards his legs. "Hey to you, too."

"You're a mess!" his boyfriend exclaimed, rushing to his side. "What happened to you?"

Chase just held up the gun. "I think someone tried to kill me."

"You're kidding, right?" Eric was trying hard not to be a jerk, and Chase could tell, but the gun was no joke. Nor was the blood--or the bullet sitting on the ground behind him. Chase shook his head. "Shit."

"That's what I thought."

"So, are you sure you're okay?" Eric asked, eyes dancing over him in concern. "You've covered in trash and there's blood everywhere."

"You tell me," Chase muttered, turning to pick up the bullet. He raised it so Eric could see and watched the blood drain out of his boyfriend's face. "Still think it's a joke?"

"Jesus," Eric whispered, taking the bullet off him and shining his torch on it. He glanced up at the gun a second later, making Chase hand it over. They both studied them for a long time before Eric uttered a frustrated noise, fingers gliding over carved wood and engraved metal. "This isn't just any gun, Chase. It's definitely a flintlock, and the bullet isn't technically a bullet. It's a lead ball, though it doesn't look like it now." Eric glanced up and handed both back to Chase before pulling a couple of plastic bags out of his pocket. Chase raised an eyebrow but dropped the gun into the larger bag and the bullet into the smaller one.

"Unique and definitely outdated, then?" he asked, watching his boyfriend seal the bags. Eric looked up and smiled. "Since when did you know so much about antique weapons?"

"Yes, and, um..." Eric offered him a sheepish look, slipping the two bags into a coat pocket. He shifted from one foot to the other, eyes bright--to Chase, anyway. "It's a hobby, of sorts."

Chase smiled, brushing his hair out of his face and wincing as he touched another tender spot. Eric noticed and gently moved his hand away, eyes widening. "Eric..."

"Are you sure you're okay?" the other man asked, raising his torch to shine it on Chase's face. Chase covered his eyes, wince deepening. "This looks like a huge wound, Chase. What happened? Nevermind, let's get you to a doctor."

At the mention of a doctor, something in Chase protested and he jerked away from his boyfriend. "No," he whispered, turning away from the light. "No doctors..."

"But someone has to look at that wound, Chase."

Chase shook his head violently and then wished he hadn't. "And what about the one on the back of my head?"

Eric was silent for a moment, and then Chase felt hands in his hair, probing the tender spot on the back of his head, to the right and behind his ear. "This..." Eric trailed off into silence for a moment before clearing his throat and withdrawing his hands. "I'm...confused. This can't be possible, Chase. Are you sure these are your only wounds?"

"Other than some bites from the rats? Yeah, they are."

"Chase... I don't know how to tell you this," Eric said slowly, obviously trying to figure out just how to tell Chase something neither of them wanted to hear. "But, these look like bullet wounds--from a lead ball. Entry." Here, Eric touched the back of his head. "And exit." This time, he turned Chase around to gently touch his forehead.

There was a moment of silence as he absorbed that fact before Chase fell on his ass and sat there, staring blankly ahead. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Eric sit beside him and throw an arm about his shoulders. Eventually, he blinked and shook his head, making himself dizzy. "I… Eric, I can't believe it," he said, completely shocked. "Someone shot me in the head?"

"That's what the evidence suggests," Eric muttered and stood up. He offered Chase a hand when he looked up. "Come on, let's go back to my place, okay?"

"Alright," Chase said, taking his boyfriend's hand and letting the other man pull him up onto his feet. Together, they headed for Eric's car and hopped in. Chase glanced towards the alley just before they took off, having to look past Eric to do so. "I don't want to see this alley ever again if I can help it."

Eric just gave him a tender look. "Let's get you home and cleaned up."


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Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:42 am
Omni wrote a review...



Hey Scar! Let's dive right in.

I'm going to be going through this through the lenses of what is now a plot hole since chapter 1 has changed so dramatically and what can be added to this chapter to make it more consistent to the new plot arc of the first chapter. I'm going to assume that any notes I put in the revised first chapter will also apply here.

Notes

So, I bet you're all wondering what happens after A Family Secret, right? Well, here it is. Enjoy!


Nope not at all XD

Chase made to push himself up and faltered. Raising his head was a bad idea. It just made the pounding worse.


"Chased pushed himself off the floor, but faltered. Raising his head was a bad idea, as the pounding just worsened." <--Removed the filler words "made" that were scattered through here. I'm also seeing a lot of them through here (along with many present participles, like "Raising") but I've already made notes about this in the first chapter (on both reviews) so I won't be speaking about it anymore in this review. Just doing this as a nagging reminder for you when you revise ;)

Wincing, he carefully shifted into a sitting position and reached for the pocket his phone had been in.


Now would be a good time to mention the diary. I don't actually know where you're wanting the diary to be at this point, but this is an option (although the assassin carrying it --something I faintly remember you mentioning before-- is the better option here)

He froze up for a second and then screamed, bolting upright and whacking his head on something hard.


Remember the pounding in his head from the last paragraph, is it still there? If so, I'm sure this would have affected it --especially negatively. Perhaps some descriptions about it either here or the sentence after. Echoing Drac here about the "up" not being needed, but that's another filler word, so I'll be ignoring those from now on, promise.

He watched the rats suss out his phone before crawling over to it and snatching it up before the rats started chewing on it.


This sentence is a little awkward, as it goes from him to the rats to him and back to the rats again, (I'm imagining it in my head as like a camera shifting from Chase to rats to Chase to rats lol) but the lack of any pronouns here makes it seem like it's transitioning to four different things. It was hard for me to wrap my head around it. So, let's lessen the number of shifts on perspective here by adding pronouns and overall just improving the flow:

He watched the rats suss out his phone and only barely grabbed it before they started gnawing at the edges.


^This still has the shifts, but I think it flows a bit better by taking out a bit of the descriptions and connecting the second "rats" to the first by using the pronoun instead. What do you think, though?

Chase turned fiddled with his phone until he got the light on and lifted it to see where, exactly, he was.


I think some words are missing here, but just "fiddled" would work. Also "lifted it to see where he was exactly" flows better so there's not any comma splicing.

Where the hell had his night gone?


So how far in the future is this from the last chapter? Because I remember it being night towards the end of the first chapter already.

five from Eric alone


Who's Eric? This is the first mention of him and we kind of just graze over that fact. Gotta love me some mystery, though haha. This is obviously someone close to Chase, because five calls and over a hundred messages from him? Something's up, and I don't believe for a second that Chase was gone for only a night.

Of course, she wasn't his real sister, but no one needed to know that.


What? Whoa, this is something huge, but like a throwaway comment as well. Who is she, if not his sister?

"Oh, shit," Eric breathed, and he could hear the click on computer keys. "Hang on. Let me see where you are..." More clicking keys and then an exhale.


Did Eric just hack into his phone or something? I don't quite get how he could find his location generally, let alone that fast. I suggest that you changes this to Chase maybe giving him landmarks (like maybe there's a bar that they have gone to, or he was able to faintly make out a street sign), anything that doesn't sound like him hacking Chase's phone lol.

I went to the office but there was blood and you weren't there and I've been kicking myself for being a stupid dickhead and not listening to you when you said you had a bad feeling about your mother's disappearance!"


Ooookay. So, I have a problem with this. For one, the paragraph after this is a plot hole, since Chase hasn't actually come to any conclusion from the diary (and if I were him I wouldn't be believing any of the entries' dates just yet) and I didn't get any vibes of Chase being suspicious of his mother's disappearance from the first chapter. At. All. If that was the direction you were heading in, then, well you failed in both drafts of the first chapter.

What I did get from the first chapter was mourning, confusion, and betrayal. You did mention to me that it's been around a year since his mother's disappearance, so if he were skeptical than now's probably a laaate time to be so.

-While Chase believed his mother kept secrets from him
-He didn't do it in a sense of being suspicious about how she died
-He was more reminiscing and observing before happening upon the diary than investigating his surroundings (he spent more time looking at the sunset than anything else in the room lol)
-So this whole dialogue doesn't work. In fact, this paragraph and the next can be completely removed and it wouldn't change a thing. Like so:

"Oh, shit," Eric breathed, and he could hear the click on computer keys. "Hang on. Let me see where you are..." More clicking keys and then an exhale. "Weird. You're halfway across the city! What the hell happened, Chase? I went to the office but there was blood and you weren't there --Look, I'm coming to get you. Don't go anywhere," Eric said, voice stern.


"No," he whispered, turning away from the light. "No doctors..."



Why? Other than the fact that you and I know he's a vampire, he just got shot and is obviously not good. Why not go to the doctor? He doesn't know anything other than a few weird diary entries, remember that.

"Come on, let's go back to my place, okay?"


Anyone in their right mind would take Chase to the doctor, even if he didn't want to go. Unless vampires are commonplace in this world, or unless people getting shot in the head --and living-- is a common thing around here, then HE SHOULD BE GOING TO THE DOCTORRRRRRRRR.

General Thoughts

Ever heard of plot convenience? You have, I know, but this chapter reeks of it. To be fair, the beginning was wonderful, and the phone conversation (except for the part where he hacked his phone??). We're talking about this on skype, so here are my thoughts to fix this chapter to make more sense with the revised first chapter:

-Give us more of Chase's thoughts about the whole f***** up situation he's in than just some "what the hell?"s that are scattered throughout the beginning.
-Remove any mention of Chase investigating/knowing his and his mother's secret
-Focus more time on Chase in between the phone call with Eric and when Eric finds him. His thoughts or how he's feeling? Make him feel alone and be alone with his thoughts.
-Give more reactions when Eric actually meets Chase. Feels too nonchalant right now (like they recover from the shock of everything way too soon. Not enough emotions)
-Actually have them go to the doctor
-Remove the bit about Eric collecting evidence. Wayyy too convenient.

I look forward to seeing how you change this chapter and how the new storyline proceeds ^^ Until then, I hoped this helped, and keep writing! <3




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:49 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Guess who... 'tis Dracula!

He froze up for a second and then screamed, bolting upright and whacking his head on something hard.
Just a nitpick, but the 'up' after 'froze' isn't needed.

"What the hell?" he muttered, jerking his hand away from the peel and blood. "Where am I?"
You've written first person really well. The constant questioning, the vivid descriptions but lack of a name for wherever the heck he is, the out-of-place things like rats... you haven't even mentioned the gun, because Chase hasn't realised it himself yet. I feel like both myself and Chase have just woken up in a stranger's bed, and we're both experiencing that confusion that comes before the realisation.

Chase turned fiddled with his phone until he got the light on and lifted it to see where, exactly, he was.
You've missed some words. I think 'and' is needed after 'turned'. Read through when you get the chance, because I've noticed a few sentences that aren't quite complete. I won't go through each time, because when you read them you'll notice.

It took a few minutes for his boyfriend to answer the phone but when he finally did, it was a relief to hear his voice. "Eric..."
This is sort of representation we need more in books. Quite a few nowadays have representation for all sexual orientations, but they make a big point about it. You just treat it like it's normal. When girlfriends and boyfriends go out on dates, authors don't make a point of saying 'they're straight, and love to flaunt it'. You don't make a point about Chase's sexuality, you just treat it as a normal part of life, which is great.

"Yes, and, um..." Eric offered him a sheepish look, slipping the two bags into a coat pocket. He shifted from one foot to the other, eyes bright--to Chase, anyway. "It's a hobby, of sorts."
Your characters are great! Fully-fledged, with quirks and backstories and unique voices... brilliant!

Eric just gave him a tender look. "Let's get you home and cleaned up."
I get the feeling Eric knows more than he's letting on. I'm eager to find out what that is! :)

Image




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks for the review, Drac. Yeah, I know I've probably missed a few words. It's hard to spot them when you've read the chapter a hundred times. This is why I post them, so I get another set of eyes on it. It's very helpful when people point out where I might've missed something.

As for your comments on non-binary representation. Thanks. I always try to write it in as normal. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's something that always bugs me. I'm glad it came across as well as it did.

As for Eric knowing something... Well, you'll find out. :P



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Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:59 am
ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



Hey. It's Maddie here again for a review.
Aaahhhh! Now I get it. Chase's got the same near-immortality of his mom. Sneaky, sneaky, Scarlett.
This is way better. There's no diary of Exposition, there are totally new characters, and a plot twist is being introduced. Not to mention that you've got a new layer on chase, the fact that he's gay. At least I think he is. You mention Eric is Chase's boyfriend, so I'm assuming here... But anyways, this is far better than that first chapter, and I think that one of the things that really got me interested in this one is waking up with the garbage beneath his head. Far more interesting than what could've been just another book.
Now, I've been so onto you about the basic story, that I've totally forgot about the technicalities.... Meanie. *Sticks out tongue childishly*

Chase made to push himself up and faltered

I saw this in the last chapter but totally forgo to bring this up. You've got a couple spots in there that have these weird errors in them and they throw me off. Do you mean: "Tried to push himself up?" Just saying.
Other than that, you've got literally no punctuation errors and everything's capitalized the way it should be. So kudos for that.
If you write any more of this, please keep me posted for when chapter 3 is up!
Keep writing!
Maddie out!




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Sun Apr 19, 2015 5:27 pm
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Amnesia says...



Ohhh there's the part i been waiting for. Scar I love this book to death but of course you knew this. xD




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Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:02 pm
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carbonCore says...



The title implies that this is a short story, but it reads more like a chapter of a novel. There's no ending here.

Unfortunately that's all I can say about this piece. I came here expecting a short story with a completed plot, but I was tricked. Please use the appropriate labels next time.




ScarlettFire says...


I was undecided on turning this and AFS into a novel, so I left it as a short story. I'm probably going to end up turning into yet another novel. Thanks for the comment, CC!



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Fri Apr 03, 2015 2:10 pm
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Authorian wrote a review...



Okay, I need to read the first part to fully understand, I'm sure. But this is greatly done all the same. The scene takes it time without being to long. There's a good amount of description. I was drawn in, though at times it seemed a little bit lengthy. You have a great, unlike writing voice and I'll try to read 'part one' as soon as I can!




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Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:53 am
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donizback says...



At last, I, now, know who Chase really is! lol
(Was so confused in the chat room earlier)




ScarlettFire says...


Sorry about that! If you're interested, you could go into my portfolio on my profile and you'll see the part before this part.



donizback says...


I sure will. Thanks for telling. Your stories are super amazing, ma'am. You are great!



ScarlettFire says...


Thank you! Glad you like it. ^^




Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
— SilverNight