Hey Scar! Let's dive right in.
I'm going to be going through this through the lenses of what is now a plot hole since chapter 1 has changed so dramatically and what can be added to this chapter to make it more consistent to the new plot arc of the first chapter. I'm going to assume that any notes I put in the revised first chapter will also apply here.
Notes
So, I bet you're all wondering what happens after A Family Secret, right? Well, here it is. Enjoy!
Nope not at all XD
Chase made to push himself up and faltered. Raising his head was a bad idea. It just made the pounding worse.
"Chased pushed himself off the floor, but faltered. Raising his head was a bad idea, as the pounding just worsened." <--Removed the filler words "made" that were scattered through here. I'm also seeing a lot of them through here (along with many present participles, like "Raising") but I've already made notes about this in the first chapter (on both reviews) so I won't be speaking about it anymore in this review. Just doing this as a nagging reminder for you when you revise
Wincing, he carefully shifted into a sitting position and reached for the pocket his phone had been in.
Now would be a good time to mention the diary. I don't actually know where you're wanting the diary to be at this point, but this is an option (although the assassin carrying it --something I faintly remember you mentioning before-- is the better option here)
He froze up for a second and then screamed, bolting upright and whacking his head on something hard.
Remember the pounding in his head from the last paragraph, is it still there? If so, I'm sure this would have affected it --especially negatively. Perhaps some descriptions about it either here or the sentence after. Echoing Drac here about the "up" not being needed, but that's another filler word, so I'll be ignoring those from now on, promise.
He watched the rats suss out his phone before crawling over to it and snatching it up before the rats started chewing on it.
This sentence is a little awkward, as it goes from him to the rats to him and back to the rats again, (I'm imagining it in my head as like a camera shifting from Chase to rats to Chase to rats lol) but the lack of any pronouns here makes it seem like it's transitioning to four different things. It was hard for me to wrap my head around it. So, let's lessen the number of shifts on perspective here by adding pronouns and overall just improving the flow:
He watched the rats suss out his phone and only barely grabbed it before they started gnawing at the edges.
^This still has the shifts, but I think it flows a bit better by taking out a bit of the descriptions and connecting the second "rats" to the first by using the pronoun instead. What do you think, though?
Chase turned fiddled with his phone until he got the light on and lifted it to see where, exactly, he was.
I think some words are missing here, but just "fiddled" would work. Also "lifted it to see where he was exactly" flows better so there's not any comma splicing.
Where the hell had his night gone?
So how far in the future is this from the last chapter? Because I remember it being night towards the end of the first chapter already.
five from Eric alone
Who's Eric? This is the first mention of him and we kind of just graze over that fact. Gotta love me some mystery, though haha. This is obviously someone close to Chase, because five calls and over a hundred messages from him? Something's up, and I don't believe for a second that Chase was gone for only a night.
Of course, she wasn't his real sister, but no one needed to know that.
What? Whoa, this is something huge, but like a throwaway comment as well. Who is she, if not his sister?
"Oh, shit," Eric breathed, and he could hear the click on computer keys. "Hang on. Let me see where you are..." More clicking keys and then an exhale.
Did Eric just hack into his phone or something? I don't quite get how he could find his location generally, let alone that fast. I suggest that you changes this to Chase maybe giving him landmarks (like maybe there's a bar that they have gone to, or he was able to faintly make out a street sign), anything that doesn't sound like him hacking Chase's phone lol.
I went to the office but there was blood and you weren't there and I've been kicking myself for being a stupid dickhead and not listening to you when you said you had a bad feeling about your mother's disappearance!"
Ooookay. So, I have a problem with this. For one, the paragraph after this is a plot hole, since Chase hasn't actually come to any conclusion from the diary (and if I were him I wouldn't be believing any of the entries' dates just yet) and I didn't get any vibes of Chase being suspicious of his mother's disappearance from the first chapter. At. All. If that was the direction you were heading in, then, well you failed in both drafts of the first chapter.
What I did get from the first chapter was mourning, confusion, and betrayal. You did mention to me that it's been around a year since his mother's disappearance, so if he were skeptical than now's probably a laaate time to be so.
-While Chase believed his mother kept secrets from him
-He didn't do it in a sense of being suspicious about how she died
-He was more reminiscing and observing before happening upon the diary than investigating his surroundings (he spent more time looking at the sunset than anything else in the room lol)
-So this whole dialogue doesn't work. In fact, this paragraph and the next can be completely removed and it wouldn't change a thing. Like so:
"Oh, shit," Eric breathed, and he could hear the click on computer keys. "Hang on. Let me see where you are..." More clicking keys and then an exhale. "Weird. You're halfway across the city! What the hell happened, Chase? I went to the office but there was blood and you weren't there --Look, I'm coming to get you. Don't go anywhere," Eric said, voice stern.
"No," he whispered, turning away from the light. "No doctors..."
Why? Other than the fact that you and I know he's a vampire, he just got shot and is obviously not good. Why not go to the doctor? He doesn't know anything other than a few weird diary entries, remember that.
"Come on, let's go back to my place, okay?"
Anyone in their right mind would take Chase to the doctor, even if he didn't want to go. Unless vampires are commonplace in this world, or unless people getting shot in the head --and living-- is a common thing around here, then HE SHOULD BE GOING TO THE DOCTORRRRRRRRR.
General Thoughts
Ever heard of plot convenience? You have, I know, but this chapter reeks of it. To be fair, the beginning was wonderful, and the phone conversation (except for the part where he hacked his phone??). We're talking about this on skype, so here are my thoughts to fix this chapter to make more sense with the revised first chapter:
-Give us more of Chase's thoughts about the whole f***** up situation he's in than just some "what the hell?"s that are scattered throughout the beginning.
-Remove any mention of Chase investigating/knowing his and his mother's secret
-Focus more time on Chase in between the phone call with Eric and when Eric finds him. His thoughts or how he's feeling? Make him feel alone and be alone with his thoughts.
-Give more reactions when Eric actually meets Chase. Feels too nonchalant right now (like they recover from the shock of everything way too soon. Not enough emotions)
-Actually have them go to the doctor
-Remove the bit about Eric collecting evidence. Wayyy too convenient.
I look forward to seeing how you change this chapter and how the new storyline proceeds ^^ Until then, I hoped this helped, and keep writing! <3
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