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140,088 Literary Works • 672,997 Reviews
Macy,
You are, I fear, too much of a philosopher. You discuss ideas in poetic structure, preaching that we should spend more time achieving our dreams than scorning those who are happy. Your idea itself is powerful, but being a poet is about taking that idea and transforming it into emotion.
You don't take risks, but you should take risks. Make it personal and fill it with metaphors and similes and all the other poetic crap out there. Somehow that makes people feel what you're trying to say rather than try to decipher it out of a cryptic message.
I used to write philosophy like this when I was around your age. It's not as powerful as writing about people and emotions.
You will be a great poet one day.
hey! First of all, I'm typing this on a kindle and I'm not quite used to the touch screen so forgive typos and weird autocorrect.
I want to begin my review by saying I really don't mind this kind of poem though others may consider it overdone. It is, but it's a good place to begin writing poetry. More original ideas will usually come, or new ways to say the same old thing.
I, personally, am very rarely supportive of a rhyme scheme. It's one of the things I hate to see because it's nearmy always done incorrectly. To me a rhyme scheme should add to a poem rather than take away. Think about it this way: if the rhyme scheme isn't adding anything to the poem then it probably take away from it . Rhyme schemes all have a tendency to sound force an juvenile.
Regardless of my particular hatred of Rhyme schemes I did think your poem had value to it. I appreciated the word choice and the way it lended to the general mood of the poem. As I may or may not have already said (it's getting rather late, hehe) , the best thing to do is to just keep writing. Don't be afraid to break away from cliches like rhyme scheme.
Hop this helped and didn't just seem like sleepy ramblings (;
Keep writing
-- Rylee
Hi there! Sparkles here to review!
Right off, I see that you have a really nice rhythm. It was perfectly paced in my head, and I'm really impressed.
Families seems out of place. Maybe because you've already settle into rhyme, and this line doesn't? Or, it could be too many words in the line before. 'To walk around wallowing in misery, as we mock the happy families' flows a lot better.
You have a bad habit of leaving phrases without punctuation at the end, dear.
My favorite line of the whole poem, bit cliched, but lovely just the same.
Okay, so this poem is what it is. It's very nice, has a really good rhythm, really good format (except for leaving stanzas hanging). But it's kind of cliched in a way. Not really badly, but just enough that it doesn't leave you with an impression. As poets, we have to strive for impression. Take a cliche idea and turn it into something people will remember. That marks a true poet. You're well on your way to that, already have a fantastic start, but you're falling just a little short. Some of your lines are overused, old fashioned, and overrated. And that is in no way your fault. You're influenced by other people that write that way. But before I start preaching about influence and the challenge to be your own writer, I want to tell you that this was a really nice poem. If you fix the little technical problems, it'll be really nice.
xx Happy Holidays!
Sparkles