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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Are you editing it?
If yus, lemme know when it's back! Cheers!
Since I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, I shall just leave a comment. I agree with the matter of Freedom of Speech being sort of nonexistent, and I don't think enough people make this point.
It doesn't matter, I can't review either. Thank You for commenting!
Heya!!
This is a really good and powerful poem. I sort of agree with @Hannah about the rhyming but I don't think it's too much of a problem. At times the poem can be a little unclear but there are some really awesome lines in here.
The last stanza is my favourite.
I really like this because it's kind of true
Overall, this is a great poem with lots of potential to be absolutely wowzabowzas. I know my reviewing skills are rubbish but hopefully this is even slightly helpful?
Keep writing
~The World
Thank you!
I agree with everything you've said!
Not Happy with the line "Before you blink". Need to change it but can't find my laptop and don't know how to edit through my iPod, so Just Ignore the stupidity that is this line.
Changed It.
"a nice, silent day", is a very very strong line in this, but Charissa, you are letting yourself be hampered by attempting to rhyme. i don't know if you read any of my other reviews, but a lot of them said this same thing:
when you attempt to write rhyming poetry, if you are not EXTREMELY careful and aware of every thought process in your head, you will end up sacrificing meaning, clarity, and reality for a rhyme that will most likely do nothing for the reader. rhyming poetry is nice for kids, because they can memorize it better. it's fun. it works well in rap and spoken word because rhythm is vital, but those pieces take a heck of a lot of work to not sound false.
why did you choose to rhyme? is it vital to your presentation/audience or just a challenge to yourself or habit? i would advise you right now to rewrite this piece and see what you write when you are not trying to slip in rhyme.
for example:
you would NEVER write this normal. you just wouldn't. you would write, "i cannot preach a powerful sermon". not to mention the fact that this line takes away from the power that this speaker is trying to build, which means right here your attempt to rhyme has ruined your flow and shattered your meaning. when we read weird sentences, it can slow us down or it can stop us. usually if we want a reader to stop, we can give them a line break going into a new stanza. not awkward sentence phrasing.
all that said (WRITE WITHOUT RHYME!),
you have a lot of power here that juts needs to be let go, to really be DUG into and written.
for example, the line i mentioned above. that's good. that's the right ending. you found it.
and here:
this is fantastic and even though your speaker's power faltered with your rhyme-ruined line, it bursts up again with this single line.
one thing i'm curious about is this:
who are you mad at? the government or the people who don't do anything with their lives? these seem like two separate grievances and if they're not, if you think these people are caused by the government, that needs to be more clear.
finally, don't let yourself fall into overworked lines. you have glimmers of absolutely clear, powerful work here, and when you say things like "the media controls what you think", your reader will only go "yeah yeah, we've heard that before". don't let this poem fall there, okay?
let me know if you have any questions, and message me when you put up an edited version.
good luck.