Dear Mom

Hey MJ, it's me outvaders. I was looking for some shorts to review to keep me busy as I was travelling, and somehow I ended up here. I've got quite a bit to talk about, so let's get right into it.

But wait wait wait. Before I say anything else, I think it's important to let you know about myself so that you can understand why I feel the way I do about this work.

I'm outvaders, I'm from the PHL, I write flash fiction, and I'm rather cynical and pessimistic, especially towards fiction like this. I find this lovey-dovey stuff cheesier than Burger King's full-size 4-Cheese Burger, so it's not common for stories like this to move me emotionally. Right off the bat, I already don't like this short: a reason to be critical of its flaws. That's alright though. After all, negatron a-holes like me were never the intended audience of stuff like this. I can forgive this story for not being my thing. However, what I cannot stand is just how mediocre, bland, and cliche this short story is.

Let's start with the format of this story. It's written as if it was a real-life letter, but everything about and around it is fictional. I'll assume this is all fiction because this was listed under short stories and because you said so in the author's notes. Personally, I despise this kind of approach because when it's not executed well, it comes off as lazy and amateur. It gives off that feeling because a lot of new writers use this format. Even I was tempted to try this back when I was a noob. After all, it's easier to write in a non-fiction format under the pretense of making fiction than actually making fiction. There's nothing wrong with doing this so long as the story it tells is actually good. The only problem is, this story isn't, so it gives off the amateur writer feel that I just hate so much.

One of the other contributing factors to this story's downfall is the cliche story. The premise of this short isn't just nothing new. In fact, it's already such a common and tired plotline that always pops up everywhere whenever Mother's day comes around: spoiled, ungrateful child not reciprocating his mother's unconditional love for him in order to pursue his worldly desires, then regretting what he did later on when a major crisis hits him. This is literally all there is to this story. There is no nuance to it, and the story went as I expected it to be. Not only is this plotline so washed-out and widespread, I know I've heard stories like this again and again, some of them even more memorable and better-executed than this. Because of that, it doesn't feel unique. It feels like some contrived af tale an elementary teacher would tell her first-grader students in order to guilt-trip them into trying loving their parents.

Perhaps the biggest complaint I have against this story is the utter flatness of the main character. This guy is so bland, so cliche, so easy to read, so devoid of personality, to the point where I just hate this guy. His only defining character traits are his lack of love for his mother in the past, and his penitence and regret when after he realized he can't be with her anymore, both of which are in place only because they are essential to the story. It is not an exaggeration to say he is just a plot device.

Then there is his writing style, which I find equally as plain as his character. Sorry this, sorry that. Thank you this, thank you that. It's just what it needs to be. It tells you all about the story outright without any hints of subtlety. It's ordinary. It's doesn't stimulate the mind. It has no flair or personality whatsoever. It's boring.

How am I supposed to empathize with this guy if I perceive him as a mere plot device, rather than a real, breathing, multifaceted human being who lives a life outside of this story?

This story feels just like a store-bought Mother's Day gift. It has good intentions, and I praise you for that. Effort and thought were surely put into this, even just to an extent. Any mother would definitely be delighted when you give it to them. However, it isn't really unique. It isn't formed completely by your own hands, or conceived by your own mind. That teddy bear you bought for her is just one of the several identical copies of that in the shelf. On the other shelves, there are also teddy bears that are exactly the same as the one you bought, but even better.

This story is just like that. It's got good intentions. It has the effort and the thought put into it. Any caring mother would appreciate it. However, it feels exactly like many other Mother's Day stories, and there are also many other Mother's Day stories that does what this did better. Don't give your mother an ordinary, manufactured gift like all the others are doing. Instead, strive to give her something extraordinary that she would keep near and dear for the rest of her life. Add more personality to this story, imbue this with more life, and offer more of yourself for her. Once you do these, I'm sure you'll be able to come to her with something beautiful in your hands, something memorable, something truly special.

Anyways, that's the end of my review. Hopefully you got something out of this one. It's 2AM in my timezone right now, so I'll have to sign out early. Have a good day.

-outvaders

Hii! First of all, let me just start by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this letter. It does put out a very important message and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to this, or perhaps learn something from it and prevent going through what Andrew did.
There are a few things I would like to point out, though. Make sure you don't repeat yourself- read the letter back and try to find synonyms or change the phrase a little. For example, in the first paragraph: 'when I couldn't find a job and had to live with you for two years after college until I got a job'. Also, don't start every sentence with 'thank you'. Try to avoid repeating that by writing something like "There are countless things I have to thank you for...." .

It's great that Andrew realizes his mistakes and wants to change things, but we never get to see him doing anything in that sense. He apologizes profusely, but in this situation saying sorry isn't all he needs to do, so I felt that it would've been great to actually see things changing in their mother-son relationship.

You also made it sound as if something was wrong, like the mother was ill or had been through a very tough time which the son wasn't there for, so I was waiting for us to find out what had happened but we never did.

I appreciate that you didn't go with the drug addict / car crash scenario- in my opinion, it would have made it a little too dramatic and harder to relate to, as well as the fact that it would've taken the focus off of the initial message.

Overall, this was great and I enjoyed reading it, so thank you for taking the time to publish this:-)

Hiya there, MJ!

Allow me to start off by saying this was super sweet, and I loved it. You really did a fantastic job with all the emotion and regret in here. And I liked how you have it as the perspective of a man, strange as that may sound. Most letters or works I read like this are from a woman or girl, and you just imagine them bawling their eyes out while they're writing. But this, this was different. I can just see Andrew writing this out, fighting back tears, but his love for his mother is so overwhelming. <3 Do excuse me for getting all sentimental over here. *sniffles*

But one thing about this that puzzled me was... why? I see you said it's for Mothers Day, but what's with all the "I wish"es?

I wish I had, Mom. I wish I had picked up the phone and just talked to you. I wish I had a chance to say sorry. 

I now realize that there is no such thing as 'getting time back'. I thought in college that we would have an eternity together, but on the day of my graduation when I saw you in the back and realized that you had grown old without me to help support you, I realized that I would never be able to go back in time and right the wrongs. I will have to live with those decisions for the rest of my life.

I never knew what you were dealing with; the thought never crossed my mind.

But it's too late now.

I wish I didn't have to apologize, but I am not afraid to admit that I was a really bad son.

Hello hello! Thanks for tagging me

I really liked the sentiment behind this piece. I think this is unfortunately a really common thing for a lot of people, especially at the age you're showing here. Lots of people tend to take their moms for granted until something hits them over the head and they realize oh crap I should have spent more time with my mom. I like that you used that and expanded it into the character not only feeling thankful for everything his mom has done, but also feeling remorseful that he hasn't done more for her.

I'm glad you decided not to go with the car accident at the end. Not only would I hate for you to be that upset as you're writing, but I don't think the story needs it. I think having a big dramatic death like that would end up feeling too dramatic or melodramatic and right now just having that sentiment of wishing he could do things differently because his mom has gotten older is enough. It feels more authentic to me because most of the time our moms don't die in sudden freak car accidents, but they do get older and as parents age kids are more likely to think they need to spend more time with their parents while they have them.

My only real note of critique is that stylistically it didn't always read like a letter to a mom to me and instead felt a little formal. He's telling the story of his life in a way to his mother, but his mom already knows those things. She knows what she's done for him. She knows that they haven't seen each other in four years and she's never missed a birthday. I think instead you could show more of how he came to the realization that he did something wrong and he wants to try to make amends with his mom. If I were this mom, that would be most meaningful to me. I would also want to know how he plans to change things moving forward - it's nice to say I'm sorry and I wish I could go back and fix it, but how is he going to be different moving forward? I think you can and should totally still include some of the things he feels he did wrong or the things he feels bad about and his emotions and thoughts about those things because that brings everything into focus and is obviously important to your overall message. I would just also include some of those other elements.

Overall though, I think this is a nice little letter and I really liked the sentiment you put across here. I also appreciated the author's note at the end and made it clear that this is fiction and not about your mom I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!