It was a normal day at the office. Detective Jason Brown unlocked his door at 9:00 A.M. on the dot. The door creaked open, and Jason stepped inside, relishing in the sound of his rubber soles on the tile floor. There was something calming about unlocking a quiet office, and he walked inside and turned to the left, where his office was.
He had specifically requested an office on the first floor so he wouldn't have to take the stairs every day. Not only was it a waste of time, it also hurt his knees, and he needed to stay limber for this job. He had calculated that he took approximately 30 seconds to climb each flight of stairs, and by that math it would take him 5 minutes every week per level just to climb the stairs when he could be working.
The chairman had just chuckled and agreed to put him on the first level, and Jason had bit his tongue. He didn't think his health was a joke at all, but as long as he got what he wanted, he didn't like to press the matter. There was nothing more to gain, and it made no sense to antagonize the recently persuaded audience.
He unlocked his office with one of only two keys that existed. He liked to keep it that way. If he could, he would only have one key that he kept so that no one could go through his personal belongings without his direct permission, but it was policy to have a master key, so Jason had been forced to surrender some of his privacy.
His room was fairly sparse, with only a desk piled 3 feet high with thick files in generic yellow folders, two yellow velvet armchairs that had attracted the attention of many antique dealers, and a single bookcase against the far wall lined with legal books that looked like they were easily a few hundred years old, but he loved the decor. There was a single lamp illuminating his desk, switched off for the night, and peeling wallpaper that somehow made his office feel cozy and secure, even though it was anything but.
He traced his fingers against the spines of his books, trying to remember how many felons had sat in the worn armchairs. He vividly remembered two confrontations with violent felons convicted of things like murder and domestic violence, but the more mundane conversations seemed to fade from his memory.
He snapped himself out of his daydreaming and took a seat at his desk, sighing heavily as he picked up the top file from where he had hastily thrown everything back together so he could resume where he had left off.
Inside were police reports and various other evidence in his latest case, the kidnapping of a boy who, funnily enough, shared his name—Jason Brown. He had seemingly vanished without a trace, and it had been a difficult and frustrating case.
All relatives had been thoroughly vetted, and there were no suspects in the case. He was at, seemingly, a dead end. He had exhausted all avenues of possible disappearances, and now only had one option left, his least favorite—tracing the boy's sightings. Unfortunately, Jason Brown was a fairly common name, and the only idea he had was a town near here, Hudson, New York, with a population of less than 7,000 people and only one public school: Hudson Elementary.
At the time of the alleged kidnapping, Jason had been only 18 months old, so he would have been enrolled in kindergarten 4 years later, in the summer of 1975. Perhaps he would have known him. He had gone to Hudson Elementary, and they were the same age.zaaaaaaaa
He had a yearbook at home he could check. Perhaps he would see a picture of Jason, and have the breakthrough he had been working towards for weeks! He grabbed his keys and stood too quickly, grabbing at his back. He was aging fast, and even though he was only 45, his rheumatism and soreness matched that of a 60 or even 70-year-old man.
He made his way to his car, a 2002 blue Toyota Camry and revved up the engine. It was only a short drive to his house, and he was consumed by daydreams about what he would do when he found the yearbook.
He unlocked his apartment and went straight to the guest bedroom, where he had boxes and boxes of treasures he had hoarded, like high school trophies and the shoes he wore to his senior prom. He had convinced himself that he would eventually need all of these things, and now he had validation.
He dug through until he found his yearbooks, but could only find one from 1979, the year Jason Brown would have been in 4th grade with him.
He opened it and combed the pages. He saw his own name there, smiling brightly at the camera and all dressed up in a blue-and-white striped shirt. His hair was a mess, and his teeth were crooked, but his blue eyes were alive and energetic.
He looked below it to find the other Jason Brown and froze. There was no Jason Brown.
He had been hidden from the yearbook! That was the only reasonable conclusion. There had been multiple reports that his kidnappers were very methodical. They had sent him to school just like a normal child, and there were reports that they didn't fully understand the severity of what they had done. It was a truly sad story of mental illness consuming the lives of two adults, and perhaps ruining the lives of Jason Brown's parents.
He took the yearbook back to the office, mind whirling, and as soon as he stepped inside, he ran right into his supervisor, Richard Swende.
"Mr. Swende, you'll never believe what I found!" Jason gushed.
Richard held up a hand to stop him. "Jason, there's something I need to tell you. We found the directory for Jason Brown's years at Hudson Elementary, and it's revealed something quite shocking."
"Well, looks like you're a step ahead of me, Mr. Swende," Jason chuckled. "I have the yearbook right here, but I couldn't find him in it. Those kidnappers were very thorough. They even went to the trouble of erasing him from the yearbook."
"Jason, they didn't erase him from the yearbook," Mr. Swende explained slowly.
"They didn't?" Jason mumbled distractedly. He flipped through the pages and pointed to the picture of his 4th-grade self. "Look how adorable I was."
Mr. Swende glanced at it and shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Well, you see, Jason, that is the Jason Brown we're looking for."
"Then where am I?"
"That is you."
"But you just said it was Jason Brown."
"It is."
"Which Jason Brown?"
"Both of them."
Jason took a step backwards and ran his hands down his face. "You mean... I'm the kidnapped Jason Brown. My parents kidnapped me?"
"That's what the evidence suggests," Mr. Swende said slowly.
"Well, that will make for quite the awkward dinner conversation," Jason remarked.
"Yes, it will," Mr. Swende agreed. "Unfortunately, we have to arrest them as soon as I can secure a warrant."
"While you do that, I'll go and say good-bye to them," Jason decided, and he walked out of the door before Mr. Swende could stop him, puzzling at how his life could have been so utterly jumbled because of a single discovery. It was anything but a regular day at the office.
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I really like the concept!
I think it's fantastic to discover your own kidnapping and also having to arrest your (assumed) parents!
Why would it take so long for it to be discovered that he was kidnapped? What has happened in Jason's 45 years of life? Why couldn't anybody figure out the fact that he was kidnapped? And why did the case arrive at his desk so late in his life? I thought that was a bit dissatisfying.
Just in case somebody ends up reading the review upfront of the story:
Spoiler
I agree with the previous reviewer that the description at the start of the story feels pretty useless in the face of what is really going down. Albeit a bit predictable, I still liked it. What I would suggest is that perhaps you could build on the concept a bit more. Write it differently.
Some questions and issues I had personally with this story:
Spoiler
The mystery is great. I think it would be pretty much a shocker if perhaps written in a slightly different manner. Maybe place more emphasis on why Jason's parents did what they did. And perhaps come up with a better reason why they didn't seem to solve the mystery earlier.
Apart from that, I think your writing style is great. You write very nice descriptions. They are very easy to visualize, which I think is a big plus.
Great Job! Keep writing.
Cheers.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it, and I'll consider your suggestions
Thanks again!
Hello! I'll be reviewing this today, seeing as I have some spare time on my hands.
I was immediately intrigued by the title. Kidnapping? Oooh. I haven't read the mystery genre much but I do enjoy it so I thought this would be a good piece to review! I did like the overall mood of this: it wasn't scary but I couldn't close my computer until I finished it! Anyway, I have a couple of things to say about this, so let's get right into the review, shall we?
First thing I noticed by even just skimming through the story is that a lot of your paragraphs start with "he [action]..." in the first sentences. It turns out to be a little repetitive and this lacks variation in your writing. There's a section in this story where you use this same sentence format for around eight paragraphs in a row. I'd suggest altering some sentences, make them unique from others. Something like "As he dug through the pile, he found his old yearbook from 1979." Or, "The pile was huge but after searching through it, he finally found one of his yearbooks." Just change things up a little.
The descriptions in the first two paragraphs of this story seem a little unnecessary. The descriptions really didn't affect the story overall, in any way. The time he unlocks the door to his office isn't the most important thing to help evolve a story. You can, however, use information like this to help progress the personality of a character. Something along the lines of this -- the paragraph where you describe him using one key out of two: does that improve the progression of the plot and the story? Does it seem needed in the story? I recommend reading through your story again and purging parts where you find the description is a little too much. More about that here.
I'm confused here. This is the second time you mention him opening the door to his office, and he never left. Did you mean to say "He had unlocked" in order to show past tense? Or did he do that right then, again (and why)?
I was curious about the detective and the way you addressed him. It was interesting how you referred to him by his first name, not something like "Detective Brown" or even "Brown". I wonder why this is? And, along with this, Jason said:
The line afterwards refers to Mr. Swende as Richard. Did you mean to write Mr. Swende, like the other parts in this story have been written?
Wouldn't you think he'd have a different reaction than this? This was a little bit of a let down. There could've been more of an answer and reaction. Instead, Jason's response was the opposite of what anyone would hope! I understand that he lived with his "parents" for many years, and he had developed feelings for them, but why? Why was this his response? Also, will he ever talk to his real parents, and meet with them again? Did he even think about that?
This sentence was cliche. I've heard it multiple times before, especially in endings/beginnings of pieces. Despite the fact that it cliche, it doesn't seem that strong of an ending, anyway. Maybe pick something that will leave a hook or drop the scene powerfully?
Another question I have: if Jason Brown was kidnapped at the age of 18 months old, how had they only found out when he was 45 years old? Wouldn't someone have checked in the yearbooks? It took almost 44 years to solve a kidnapping case? I'm no expert at detective related things, but this seems extensive.
Based on the description of this short story I read before clicking, something shocking was revealed. It wasn't as shocking as I'd hope, to be honest. I actually thought of this scenario in my head before I even read it to myself. It was a little predictable, considering this was a pretty quick short and we didn't get to know any other characters who could possibly be the suspect/kidnapper. This probably could've been more pressed and plotted out, but the idea at least showed a little spark of creativity (though it was predictable). That being said, and like a said before, there were a lot of unnecessary descriptions at the beginning but this became more rushed towards the end. You didn't leave the suspense in the air, as I would've hoped. This might be something you consider to work towards in the future.
Hopefully this review helped! Let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it