Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: OKay...so this was certainly a rather interesting story. I really did like the way that this created a world and this apocalyptic and dangerous situation that we had going for it. The chaotic chase in the center was a little hard to follow but the opening was really nicely done and I loved the ending.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Lost.
Running. Faster and faster. Breath and stamina falling. Its growls. Louder. She didn’t know what was happening or where she was. All she knew to do was to run. The paws are getting closer. An unintelligible, deep growl getting even closer. What could a defenseless child do? Except for run. The shoes her parents bought black strap shoes, just for school, tripped on a rock. The girl falls over onto the soggy carpets. Fear. Fear building into great mountains. She turned to see this disfigured, dark dog. If it was even a dog. Legs incredibly long drooling for its next meal. Towering over her with great height. Her. Its breath the smell of a decaying corpse. Saliva falls onto her face.
“MUM! DAD! HELP!! PLEASE!” She cried. Desperately trying to get someone’s attention in the vast hallways of this depressing place. She was going to die. The glimmer of hope that once held her was leaving. She was never going to see her parents again. This was it.
Oh wow, that is a powerful start right there. Its a little hard to tell if we're seeing some very scary monster chase someone down or if perhaps the emotions here are so heightened because they are from the perspective of someone who is really young but either it absolutely works in terms of getting our attention as readers.
Suddenly she hears the voices of people coming over and organizing a plan, they had a strange type of rope, made of wires which were shoved into its mouth, and the people used what they could to pull its monstrous strength away from the child. She couldn’t look hiding her face as tears fell into her palm. She could hear the distorted screeches of the monster and the people trying desperately to get it away from her.
“Use this! Stab it!” Someone shouted and soon a sound of stabbing could be heard. Small amounts of what she assumed was blood, falling onto her face and school clothes. But she didn’t dare look. Thump. Silence. Someone picked her up, holding her tight. As she cried and cried. Tears falling like a waterfall.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” She cried, fearful of what the people who saved her thought of her. The person’s hand is soft and reassuring. Warm and safe rubbing her head. “I just want to go home.” Someone picked her up and started to walk with her and the group, somewhere.
Oh okay...well that turned out to be a real monster after all. I thought it would take a bit longer than that before we had an answer for that either way, but here we go, and it seems like things have been setup quite nicely there for whatever comes next. I am loving this opening so far.
Accustomed to staying in the wide-open area, confined to the tents and makeshift walls the ten current survivors made. The area looked like her gym at her school. Rundown, mould and vines growing all over the walls small amounts of water were there too. Clean enough to drink from. We’re safe here. Trapped in a place they now had to call home. The gym despite having a roof had a clear day and night cycle. The areas were bright during the day, but the night. Pitch black, no light to be seen. the people learned to make a fire pretty quickly or that monster did not appear.
Tonight, the people will have a meeting.
They all sat around the fire. The child, Emily sitting next to her father figure, Daniel. Emily felt homesick being trapped in here for fourteen days, but Daniel was always there, he was the one who carried her and potentially saved her. She sleeps in his tent and sleeps in his bed instead of her own. The dreams of the dog constantly haunt her. She screams every night and cries. But Daniel was always there. Right beside her.
Okay..that's an interesting one. I'm getting the sort of vibes you get from something like a post apocalyptic world scenario. It certainly makes things quite interesting to think about in terms of where exactly this could all be headed, although I do have to say that perhaps spelling out that detail on the father figure is a touch on the nose unless that is Emily's actual father. Normally you can simply demonstrate its a father figure pretty easily through simple dialogue.
“We need to find a way out. Our supplies won’t last forever.” The leader said to the people surrounding the fire.
“But how? What is our plan? We can’t lose any lives.” A person spoke to the leader.
“We all want to go home. We don’t want to die.” Another spoke.
“I’ve seen a way out. The glow of hope radiates our way to being free once more.” The leader said.
“What is the way out?” Daniel asks
“A door, that has a beautiful, golden handle. That’s the way out. Tomorrow morning. We pack and leave.” The leader spoke. The Cheers of the people rang through the gym. Their hope was loud and bright. But the night had terrible tricks up its sleeves.
A schoolboy dressed in all black, wearing the same uniform as Emily walks through the night stopping at the edge of the light that the campfire produces.
Okay...well that was an odd moment. It was a rather sort of subdued and somewhat sombre situation there that you created with an atmosphere to match and it was being created quite nicely for that purpose, but here we've got an odd change in tone with this person mentioning the handle. Its clear sort of where its trying to come from, but even then the way that its mentioned still sort of breaks the general atmosphere that was being created upto that point because it gives an odd fantasy like twist. I think perhaps you need to try and stick to just one of the tones there or it breaks it a bit.
“Borden?” Emily questioned the child. It said nothing and a person not knowing what it was walked up to it.
“Are you okay child?” they asked. Close to its reach. Grabbing her arm and pulling her with inhuman amounts of strength to the night. Screams of pain and fear call to them. Whispers could be heard, feeling as though something was being called. Those dog monsters came into the attack.
“RUN!” Daniel screams. The people took what supplies they could and a torch from the fire, while Emily stood in fear. What that thing did to her. Fear in her eyes. Her breath increased and her mind broke. Daniel grabbed her and ran into the night running through the hallways carrying Emily and the backpack of supplies on his back. The dog chasing them through the narrow, void black hallways. There was no escaping. What could? The monster’s stamina is unlimited, the human fragile and limited in comparison. A door appeared in front of them. Hope-filled once again.
Okay now that's taking a slightly trippy turn there. I feel like maybe you need to try and ground this a tiny bit more here, because we've got very little in the way of description of the area and this sort of immediately changes to a chase sequence that then becomes a little harder to follow because while the whole fear part of things does come through, it not quite so easy to see where exactly all of this is in relation to each other and that's not a great situation to be in.
But the dogs were gaining ground. Closer. Closer. What could Daniel possibly do? Grabbing Emily, He threw her. Her screams of flying through the air and landing on the soggy floors. Seeing Daniel running the opposite way. Towards the danger.
“GO! OPEN THE DOOR! ESCAPE PLEASE.” He screamed using what he could to hold them back.
“No please we can make it!” she pleaded, crying tears falling down her face. But knowing she had no other option she ran to the door and opened it. Looking back one last time seeing Daniels’s face falling to the night.
“I love you, Father….”
‘News about the missing child case, after fifty-six days missing from spring hill primary school, ten-year-old ‘Emily Carter’ has been found by authorities in a critical state within the schools closet.”
Okay...that's an interesting twist. At this point it doesn't fully make sense because I'm still trying to fully understand the situation you created there, but I do love the more vague nature of this door and the fantasy sort of element to this. There's an added ambiguity there again on whether this is fully a child's imagination regarding a horrible situation where she was kidnapped maybe or if this is genuinely some sort of magic gateway related situation.
“Interviews with the police chief haven’t given any information on how she appeared there or any new suspects in the case. No evidence has been revealed as to how she appeared since troubles with the security cameras have been occurring since the start of the day…”
She sat in the hospital, colours splashed across the walls and television placed in front of the bed. Her parents were sitting across from her holding her hand. Happy that their child was safe in their care again. She could never get out of that place. The nightmares made sure of that. She was so tired and scared. And cried every day. No one believed what she saw and what she went through. Not even the police.
What if it happened again? She believed that there was a sort of twisted peace and somewhat warmth for her. But for Daniel, never did anything wrong. She felt as though hell had swallowed him whole just for the fun of it.
The nightmare for the both of them won’t end. Not now, possibly not ever.
A man walked into the room, wearing a suit and sunglasses, unable to see through them.
“Can the parents please leave; I would like to question Emily in private.” He said to them, showing a police badge. The parents promptly complied leaving the room. The man walked over to the child and sat next to her.
“What do you know about that dimension you were trapped in?”
Oooh okay...okay....well it seems despite it all the first bit we saw is in fact the correct one, and it was an alternate dimension after all. Well it certainly makes things interesting that much is certain. Its a nice little twist and this ending while a little on the cliche side just works quite well I think. The end is perhaps the clearest part of this story and it works very well with what came before it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this piece has a couple of flaws here and there but the core idea that you have here works wonders and I think on the whole it made for a fairly enjoyable story here. I think this only really needs a bit of ironing out here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 241564
Reviews: 4012
Donate