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16+ Mature Content

Lost

by MC


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Lost.

Running. Faster and faster. Breath and stamina falling. Its growls. Louder. She didn’t know what was happening or where she was. All she knew to do was to run. The paws are getting closer. An unintelligible, deep growl getting even closer. What could a defenseless child do? Except for run. The shoes her parents bought black strap shoes, just for school, tripped on a rock. The girl falls over onto the soggy carpets. Fear. Fear building into great mountains. She turned to see this disfigured, dark dog. If it was even a dog. Legs incredibly long drooling for its next meal. Towering over her with great height. Her. Its breath the smell of a decaying corpse. Saliva falls onto her face.

“MUM! DAD! HELP!! PLEASE!” She cried. Desperately trying to get someone’s attention in the vast hallways of this depressing place. She was going to die. The glimmer of hope that once held her was leaving. She was never going to see her parents again. This was it.

Suddenly she hears the voices of people coming over and organizing a plan, they had a strange type of rope, made of wires which were shoved into its mouth, and the people used what they could to pull its monstrous strength away from the child. She couldn’t look hiding her face as tears fell into her palm. She could hear the distorted screeches of the monster and the people trying desperately to get it away from her.

“Use this! Stab it!” Someone shouted and soon a sound of stabbing could be heard. Small amounts of what she assumed was blood, falling onto her face and school clothes. But she didn’t dare look. Thump. Silence. Someone picked her up, holding her tight. As she cried and cried. Tears falling like a waterfall.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” She cried, fearful of what the people who saved her thought of her. The person’s hand is soft and reassuring. Warm and safe rubbing her head. “I just want to go home.” Someone picked her up and started to walk with her and the group, somewhere.

Thirteen days later.

Accustomed to staying in the wide-open area, confined to the tents and makeshift walls the ten current survivors made. The area looked like her gym at her school. Rundown, mould and vines growing all over the walls small amounts of water were there too. Clean enough to drink from. We’re safe here. Trapped in a place they now had to call home. The gym despite having a roof had a clear day and night cycle. The areas were bright during the day, but the night. Pitch black, no light to be seen. the people learned to make a fire pretty quickly or that monster did not appear.

Tonight, the people will have a meeting.

They all sat around the fire. The child, Emily sitting next to her father figure, Daniel. Emily felt homesick being trapped in here for fourteen days, but Daniel was always there, he was the one who carried her and potentially saved her. She sleeps in his tent and sleeps in his bed instead of her own. The dreams of the dog constantly haunt her. She screams every night and cries. But Daniel was always there. Right beside her.

“We need to find a way out. Our supplies won’t last forever.” The leader said to the people surrounding the fire.

“But how? What is our plan? We can’t lose any lives.” A person spoke to the leader.

“We all want to go home. We don’t want to die.” Another spoke.

“I’ve seen a way out. The glow of hope radiates our way to being free once more.” The leader said.

“What is the way out?” Daniel asks

“A door, that has a beautiful, golden handle. That’s the way out. Tomorrow morning. We pack and leave.” The leader spoke. The Cheers of the people rang through the gym. Their hope was loud and bright. But the night had terrible tricks up its sleeves.

A schoolboy dressed in all black, wearing the same uniform as Emily walks through the night stopping at the edge of the light that the campfire produces.

“Borden?” Emily questioned the child. It said nothing and a person not knowing what it was walked up to it.

“Are you okay child?” they asked. Close to its reach. Grabbing her arm and pulling her with inhuman amounts of strength to the night. Screams of pain and fear call to them. Whispers could be heard, feeling as though something was being called. Those dog monsters came into the attack.

“RUN!” Daniel screams. The people took what supplies they could and a torch from the fire, while Emily stood in fear. What that thing did to her. Fear in her eyes. Her breath increased and her mind broke. Daniel grabbed her and ran into the night running through the hallways carrying Emily and the backpack of supplies on his back. The dog chasing them through the narrow, void black hallways. There was no escaping. What could? The monster’s stamina is unlimited, the human fragile and limited in comparison. A door appeared in front of them. Hope-filled once again.

But the dogs were gaining ground. Closer. Closer. What could Daniel possibly do? Grabbing Emily, He threw her. Her screams of flying through the air and landing on the soggy floors. Seeing Daniel running the opposite way. Towards the danger.

“GO! OPEN THE DOOR! ESCAPE PLEASE.” He screamed using what he could to hold them back.

“No please we can make it!” she pleaded, crying tears falling down her face. But knowing she had no other option she ran to the door and opened it. Looking back one last time seeing Daniels’s face falling to the night.

“I love you, Father….”

‘News about the missing child case, after fifty-six days missing from spring hill primary school, ten-year-old ‘Emily Carter’ has been found by authorities in a critical state within the schools closet.”

“Interviews with the police chief haven’t given any information on how she appeared there or any new suspects in the case. No evidence has been revealed as to how she appeared since troubles with the security cameras have been occurring since the start of the day…”

She sat in the hospital, colours splashed across the walls and television placed in front of the bed. Her parents were sitting across from her holding her hand. Happy that their child was safe in their care again. She could never get out of that place. The nightmares made sure of that. She was so tired and scared. And cried every day. No one believed what she saw and what she went through. Not even the police.

What if it happened again? She believed that there was a sort of twisted peace and somewhat warmth for her. But for Daniel, never did anything wrong. She felt as though hell had swallowed him whole just for the fun of it.

The nightmare for the both of them won’t end. Not now, possibly not ever.

A man walked into the room, wearing a suit and sunglasses, unable to see through them.

“Can the parents please leave; I would like to question Emily in private.” He said to them, showing a police badge. The parents promptly complied leaving the room. The man walked over to the child and sat next to her.

“What do you know about that dimension you were trapped in?”

The End.


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Sat Sep 03, 2022 2:37 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKay...so this was certainly a rather interesting story. I really did like the way that this created a world and this apocalyptic and dangerous situation that we had going for it. The chaotic chase in the center was a little hard to follow but the opening was really nicely done and I loved the ending.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lost.
Running. Faster and faster. Breath and stamina falling. Its growls. Louder. She didn’t know what was happening or where she was. All she knew to do was to run. The paws are getting closer. An unintelligible, deep growl getting even closer. What could a defenseless child do? Except for run. The shoes her parents bought black strap shoes, just for school, tripped on a rock. The girl falls over onto the soggy carpets. Fear. Fear building into great mountains. She turned to see this disfigured, dark dog. If it was even a dog. Legs incredibly long drooling for its next meal. Towering over her with great height. Her. Its breath the smell of a decaying corpse. Saliva falls onto her face.

“MUM! DAD! HELP!! PLEASE!” She cried. Desperately trying to get someone’s attention in the vast hallways of this depressing place. She was going to die. The glimmer of hope that once held her was leaving. She was never going to see her parents again. This was it.


Oh wow, that is a powerful start right there. Its a little hard to tell if we're seeing some very scary monster chase someone down or if perhaps the emotions here are so heightened because they are from the perspective of someone who is really young but either it absolutely works in terms of getting our attention as readers.

Suddenly she hears the voices of people coming over and organizing a plan, they had a strange type of rope, made of wires which were shoved into its mouth, and the people used what they could to pull its monstrous strength away from the child. She couldn’t look hiding her face as tears fell into her palm. She could hear the distorted screeches of the monster and the people trying desperately to get it away from her.

“Use this! Stab it!” Someone shouted and soon a sound of stabbing could be heard. Small amounts of what she assumed was blood, falling onto her face and school clothes. But she didn’t dare look. Thump. Silence. Someone picked her up, holding her tight. As she cried and cried. Tears falling like a waterfall.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” She cried, fearful of what the people who saved her thought of her. The person’s hand is soft and reassuring. Warm and safe rubbing her head. “I just want to go home.” Someone picked her up and started to walk with her and the group, somewhere.


Oh okay...well that turned out to be a real monster after all. I thought it would take a bit longer than that before we had an answer for that either way, but here we go, and it seems like things have been setup quite nicely there for whatever comes next. I am loving this opening so far.

Accustomed to staying in the wide-open area, confined to the tents and makeshift walls the ten current survivors made. The area looked like her gym at her school. Rundown, mould and vines growing all over the walls small amounts of water were there too. Clean enough to drink from. We’re safe here. Trapped in a place they now had to call home. The gym despite having a roof had a clear day and night cycle. The areas were bright during the day, but the night. Pitch black, no light to be seen. the people learned to make a fire pretty quickly or that monster did not appear.

Tonight, the people will have a meeting.

They all sat around the fire. The child, Emily sitting next to her father figure, Daniel. Emily felt homesick being trapped in here for fourteen days, but Daniel was always there, he was the one who carried her and potentially saved her. She sleeps in his tent and sleeps in his bed instead of her own. The dreams of the dog constantly haunt her. She screams every night and cries. But Daniel was always there. Right beside her.


Okay..that's an interesting one. I'm getting the sort of vibes you get from something like a post apocalyptic world scenario. It certainly makes things quite interesting to think about in terms of where exactly this could all be headed, although I do have to say that perhaps spelling out that detail on the father figure is a touch on the nose unless that is Emily's actual father. Normally you can simply demonstrate its a father figure pretty easily through simple dialogue.

“We need to find a way out. Our supplies won’t last forever.” The leader said to the people surrounding the fire.

“But how? What is our plan? We can’t lose any lives.” A person spoke to the leader.

“We all want to go home. We don’t want to die.” Another spoke.

“I’ve seen a way out. The glow of hope radiates our way to being free once more.” The leader said.

“What is the way out?” Daniel asks

“A door, that has a beautiful, golden handle. That’s the way out. Tomorrow morning. We pack and leave.” The leader spoke. The Cheers of the people rang through the gym. Their hope was loud and bright. But the night had terrible tricks up its sleeves.

A schoolboy dressed in all black, wearing the same uniform as Emily walks through the night stopping at the edge of the light that the campfire produces.


Okay...well that was an odd moment. It was a rather sort of subdued and somewhat sombre situation there that you created with an atmosphere to match and it was being created quite nicely for that purpose, but here we've got an odd change in tone with this person mentioning the handle. Its clear sort of where its trying to come from, but even then the way that its mentioned still sort of breaks the general atmosphere that was being created upto that point because it gives an odd fantasy like twist. I think perhaps you need to try and stick to just one of the tones there or it breaks it a bit.

“Borden?” Emily questioned the child. It said nothing and a person not knowing what it was walked up to it.

“Are you okay child?” they asked. Close to its reach. Grabbing her arm and pulling her with inhuman amounts of strength to the night. Screams of pain and fear call to them. Whispers could be heard, feeling as though something was being called. Those dog monsters came into the attack.

“RUN!” Daniel screams. The people took what supplies they could and a torch from the fire, while Emily stood in fear. What that thing did to her. Fear in her eyes. Her breath increased and her mind broke. Daniel grabbed her and ran into the night running through the hallways carrying Emily and the backpack of supplies on his back. The dog chasing them through the narrow, void black hallways. There was no escaping. What could? The monster’s stamina is unlimited, the human fragile and limited in comparison. A door appeared in front of them. Hope-filled once again.


Okay now that's taking a slightly trippy turn there. I feel like maybe you need to try and ground this a tiny bit more here, because we've got very little in the way of description of the area and this sort of immediately changes to a chase sequence that then becomes a little harder to follow because while the whole fear part of things does come through, it not quite so easy to see where exactly all of this is in relation to each other and that's not a great situation to be in.

But the dogs were gaining ground. Closer. Closer. What could Daniel possibly do? Grabbing Emily, He threw her. Her screams of flying through the air and landing on the soggy floors. Seeing Daniel running the opposite way. Towards the danger.

“GO! OPEN THE DOOR! ESCAPE PLEASE.” He screamed using what he could to hold them back.

“No please we can make it!” she pleaded, crying tears falling down her face. But knowing she had no other option she ran to the door and opened it. Looking back one last time seeing Daniels’s face falling to the night.

“I love you, Father….”

‘News about the missing child case, after fifty-six days missing from spring hill primary school, ten-year-old ‘Emily Carter’ has been found by authorities in a critical state within the schools closet.”


Okay...that's an interesting twist. At this point it doesn't fully make sense because I'm still trying to fully understand the situation you created there, but I do love the more vague nature of this door and the fantasy sort of element to this. There's an added ambiguity there again on whether this is fully a child's imagination regarding a horrible situation where she was kidnapped maybe or if this is genuinely some sort of magic gateway related situation.

“Interviews with the police chief haven’t given any information on how she appeared there or any new suspects in the case. No evidence has been revealed as to how she appeared since troubles with the security cameras have been occurring since the start of the day…”

She sat in the hospital, colours splashed across the walls and television placed in front of the bed. Her parents were sitting across from her holding her hand. Happy that their child was safe in their care again. She could never get out of that place. The nightmares made sure of that. She was so tired and scared. And cried every day. No one believed what she saw and what she went through. Not even the police.

What if it happened again? She believed that there was a sort of twisted peace and somewhat warmth for her. But for Daniel, never did anything wrong. She felt as though hell had swallowed him whole just for the fun of it.

The nightmare for the both of them won’t end. Not now, possibly not ever.

A man walked into the room, wearing a suit and sunglasses, unable to see through them.

“Can the parents please leave; I would like to question Emily in private.” He said to them, showing a police badge. The parents promptly complied leaving the room. The man walked over to the child and sat next to her.

“What do you know about that dimension you were trapped in?”


Oooh okay...okay....well it seems despite it all the first bit we saw is in fact the correct one, and it was an alternate dimension after all. Well it certainly makes things interesting that much is certain. Its a nice little twist and this ending while a little on the cliche side just works quite well I think. The end is perhaps the clearest part of this story and it works very well with what came before it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this piece has a couple of flaws here and there but the core idea that you have here works wonders and I think on the whole it made for a fairly enjoyable story here. I think this only really needs a bit of ironing out here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




MC says...


Thanks for the review! I will try to make my next works in the series better, thanks for the advice.



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Thu Feb 24, 2022 4:56 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a fantastic and very intriguing story. With the beginning, I think it managed to keep me reading the whole story till the very end. Good job on that!

I would like to comment on two things first. The length of the sentences and the tense. There were too many short sentences and thise one words. While having a variety of sentence structure and having short sentences is quite a good thing, I think here it was redundant. They just obstructed the flow of reading the whole story. I will not tell you to remove all those one word sentences but some of them have to be removed. Keep some, they can be useful to create that urgent effect which is quite important here but remove the others. Read the story aloud and you will understand. Especially the first paragraph need to be taken care of because it's what attracts the readers.

Next, the tense. You had a frequent tense change in the whole story. You were continuously changing between past and present tense. It's recommended to stick to one tense, either present or past. Now past is easier, so that can be the option. It totally depends on you though :)

The story had a good plot and that cliffhanger or let's say revelation since it's a short story was awesome. So from what I understood, this person was lost and in an odd manner. That was rather a very strange thing to happen. I am indeed a bit confused about what that dimension and door things because my brain tells me that that door was the way to a new dimension but I am not very sure of it. I would like a bit of clarification on that. Also, how did this person know about her being trapped in another dimension? Hm... It interests me. There's one thing I would like to say though. Putting some asterisks or gaps to indicate the time gap in the story. Otherwise, it again obstructs the flow.

Now the characters. I don't have a lot to say about the characters. But can we not see the story in a different way? Like this person was totally dreaming or something? Probably not but the age of the person interested me a lot. It's actually very difficult for a 10 year old person to live so many days without their parents but I love how this person managed to do it with the help of the father figure.

Honestly speaking, I would like this story to continue a bit further. We could reach a conclusion in that way. The open ending is not at all a bad thing but hm... I just feel that way. From what we have, I guess we have two options:
1) Seriously taking it, the child indeed travelled to a different dimension.
2) Casually taking it, the person was joking. I wonder what the truth is. That's all for this review.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Thu Feb 24, 2022 3:27 am
illy7896 wrote a review...



Hiya! First of all I love the sentence variety, there are so many short sentences to create effect and longer ones to add vivid description. Even though the story is fast- paced, it flows well and fits together effectively. There's also use of rhetorical question and enough dialogue to make it interesting however not break up the story too much. You have also used many different sentence starters and the vocabulary you have used is eloquent and vivid.

The monster’s stamina is unlimited, the human fragile and limited in comparison.


I love this phrase and the use of limited and unlimited, it really forces the audience to grasp the power the monster has, and the weakness of Daniel and Emily. Even though Daniel is her strong and resilient father figure, even he is vulnerable to the monster.

Its breath the smell of a decaying corpse. Saliva falls onto her face.


The flow between these two sentences is awesome, there are so many examples of this within your story! The transition between talking about its breath and then its saliva is perfect, and the link between a decaying corpse and her is also metaphorical and a bit of foreshadowing or captures that feeling of endangerment.

She sat in the hospital, colours splashed across the walls and television placed in front of the bed. Her parents were sitting across from her holding her hand. Happy that their child was safe in their care again.


Firstly, I just want to comment on that first sentence and how you have described the colours as splashed across the walls, a perfect contrast from grief and gloom to colour and light which is an immense sense of relief to the reader. I also like how you have continued talking about the parents by starting the last sentence with happy, which makes the parents appreciation for her safety the subject of the sentence, and changing the mood from sadness and fear to happiness and love.

At times, the story doesn't make complete sense and in my opinion more description could be added to clear things up a little, or maybe a slight change and variation in punctuation such as commas, dashes and semi-colons could make the story flow a little better!

The shoes her parents bought black strap shoes, just for school, tripped on a rock.


For instance, here, it would make a lot more sense if the sentence was 'The shoes her parents bought (black strap shoes), just for school, tripped on a rock.'

She was so tired and scared. And cried every day.


Here, the sentence could be connected by using a comma, or slightly changing the words around: 'She was so tired and scared, crying every day.' Or: 'She was so tired and scared: she cried every day.' So some feedback from me is to connect your sentences up using some varied punctuation or clearing them up a little by changing the words around a little :)

The girl falls over onto the soggy carpets.


Why are the carpets soggy? How did it make her feel when she fell onto them?

A door, that has a beautiful, golden handle. That’s the way out. Tomorrow morning. We pack and leave.”


What is this door? How does the person know about it? Did they envision or dream of it?

“Are you okay child?” they asked. Close to its reach. Grabbing her arm and pulling her with inhuman amounts of strength to the night.


Who did it grab? How do you mean 'close to its reach'? What was it?

Lastly, I love the ending! Such a cliff-hanger and if you are doing a part two I would LOVE to hear it. The storyline is interesting, thrilling and captivating and overall its a great story. It also reminds me a little bit of immigration and the lives of refugees, as you were talking about sleeping in tents, wanting to go back home but the hope for a better future and about teamwork and resilience.

Great job!




MC says...


Thank you very much! This made my day.
Thank you for the critiques I will certainly make sure to keep that in mind for the next time.
And don't worry there will be more coming soon. Emily's story and many more will come.
Again thank you!



illy7896 says...


No problem and wonderful news!




The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown