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16+ Mature Content

Sally

by MC


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

(TW: might get a little dark (depression, disillusions, mentions of Suicide and bullying) If you are sensitive to these topics then don't read please. If you are okay with this please continue! Enjoy!)

Sally. A typical teen who did nothing with her life except write and draw on papers. Books, scrap paper, anything really. Her parents often joked that she would even draw and write on the walls if she could. Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.

Today though was different to her. Today. In this very morning she would learn the worsts of truths.

"I can't think of anything to write! or draw! How do I get out of this predicament?" she asked herself.

"Sally! I heard your cries for help! What is wrong?" Monika asked her.

"Oh, Monika Thank the gods you are here! I just don't know what to do!"

"It’s simple Get a job lol"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"~wait who said that?" Sally asked.

"said what sally?"

"~someone just laughed? Didn't you hear it?"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Sally was confused and stressed out was she going crazy? Has she LOST HER MI...

"~STOP TALKING VOICE! Wait what?"

I'm sorry but what is happening now. This wasn't supposed to happen really.

"~what wasn't?"

Uh nothing just stops listening to me.

"okay!"

"~No wait what? You can't just put words in my mouth?"

No, I can. Just uh... I know look at this.

"~Look at what?"

SLEEP!!!!!

Sally. A typical teAn who did nothing with her life e_cept wriGHte and draw on paYpers. Books, scrapE payper, anything really. Her pEarnts often joCked that she would even draw and wriGHte on the walls if she could. Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.

Today though was different to her. Today. In this very morning she would learn the NOTHING AT ALL! JUST AN ORDINARY DAY!

"I can't think of anything to write! or draw! How do I get out of this predicament?" she asked herself.

"HEY SALLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYY!!!!!! WHATS WROng?"

"Oh Monika! I was just complaining about the fact that there is just nothing to do!"

"Oh no. I mean there is plenty to do like write, or draw you are usually doing that."

"yeah that is true but I don't know today just seems a little NORMAL! JUST NORMAL NOTHING GOING ON!!!!"

"Sally? You okay?"

"No. I didn't say that!"

"But it came from you"

"~wait didn't this just happen?"

No not again.

"~You again! What are you doing?"

No. No. I'm not here remember!

"Yes, you are right! ~no wait Stop doing that!!!"

I'm not doing anything! You are doing it! You stop it.

"~What do you mean? I’m doing it? You are!"

SLEEP!!!

Jeeze. Okay let’s try this again you can do it. Just... Breathe.

Sally. A typical teAn who did nothing with her life e_cept wriGHte and draw on paYpers. Books, scrapE payper, anything really. Her pEarnts often joCked that she would even dra...

"~NO NO! We are not doing this again! Just stop."

No, you stop. I need this type of control but I just have to keep breaking the emersion and have to say... 'Oh look at me we are so smart and COOOOOOOOL and I can just break the fabrications of the story and make it your own!' JUST STOP IT!

"~Then you stop messing with me."

Mess with you like what? This?

"OH, LOOK AT ME IM SALLY AND I AM SOOOO SMART AND SOOOOO COOL INTERUPTING THE STORY LIKE THAT? ~ Hey! stop tha..."

Monika then enters the room staring at her.

"Sally give up on your dreams and get a job or an actual life besides just locking yourself in your room!"

"~what how did you..."

Voices of her parents echo through her mind.

"You are such a dis..."

"~NO NO STOP PLEASE PLEASE WHO EVER YOU ARE!"

"YOU DO NOTHING ALL DAY YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

No one will ever love you. Not while you are like that!

A SAD MESS. not even a human of value in the first place!

What a freak I heard she...

She also wrote a creepy letter to a boy in this school guess who?

HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHA!!!

You are not my daughter I never had one

Sally you can't keep eating my food and lock yourself away like a bat. What is wrong with you?

"~NO! I WON'T TAKE IT ANY ANYMORE!"

Sally We need each other I need us. what do you think will do? Die? I’m the only one who is keeping you sane through this! Embrace it and keep living like this. Insane but free!

"YES, OF COUR... ~no. no more. I will stop this and I know how I know who you are and what to do."

Who am I then?

"~You are me I made you And I can get rid of you."

How will you... no wait not like that don't open the door! Wait all you can do is talk. I am in control. this is for the best! Trust in me.

"~I got up and started walking to the door he has been hiding."

She got up and started to go towards the door she was hiding all this time

No WAIT STOP STOP IT! HER... HER... FRIEND! STOPS HER!

"Sally stop! Lets stay and write a poem! please... Without you i won't exist!"

"~I Hold her hand and look her in her eyes. Monika I love you but I can't hide forever. You are free. stop being a memory and be free."

Her friend voice was free from the curse of her mind.

STOP IT YOU...

"~Voice... Me it's time to move stop holding on to such a twisted fate and Go"

NEVER NEVER! I WON’T LET YOU GO.

"~I hug myself. it’s okay"

I am Warm, it felt nice to be take the first step.

"~I reach for the handle and open the door."

*beep* *beep*

"That sound it woke me. it isn't like my alarm. But where am I.

Bridge. Gravity. Splash.

The hospital

I hear someone crying next to me she was upset. It was familiar to me. I have heard it since the times we spent since I was a little child. That voice had no control over what she would say to me."

"Monika? Is that you why are you crying?"

"SALLY!"

"She wrapped her arms around my body she was warm and a bit wet from her tears she was sheading."

"Sally.... I... I’m so sorry I didn't know... I didn't see the signs I was so stupid."

"I didn't know what to say at that time but now I saw beauty in life. Nothing to hold me back."

"Monika... I wanted to tell you something. Don't say yes just so you don't hurt my feelings but I wanted to say... I am in love with you. That’s all."

"Sally! I didn't know this is what you felt but... I love you as well."

"I shed a tear. She loved me all along"

-the end.


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234 Reviews


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Thu May 06, 2021 6:12 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi MC,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This was a very well written story. I devoured it from the first sentence to the end. You did a great job of incorporating that kind of repetition and depression. You chose the thoughts with good words and it doesn't always take knives to hurt someone either. The writing was a bit confusing at first, but becomes clearer as you read (an irony actually, how worse Sally gets the further you read). :D

Sally. A typical teen who did nothing with her life except write and draw on papers. Books, scrap paper, anything really. Her parents often joked that she would even draw and write on the walls if she could. Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.


For this section to appear several times in the story, you've done a great job of keeping it as simple as possible. At times it feels like a short summary from a TV series. With each constant repetition, it feels worse to read these lines, and somehow I feel that when you read it over and over again, standing between the misspelled words and capital letters, you hear the voice in your head getting fuzzier and deeper, like when you're playing with a radio and the music gets distorted. This is a good story element and adds to the drama without being directly over the top, as it visibly wants to show how Sally wants to "reboot herself" to escape from this vicious cycle.

"Sally! I heard your cries for help! What is wrong?" Monika asked her.


Although it becomes clear who Monika is by reading the text, I would have included a brief info on who it is. Since she appears right after the introduction, surely a short sentence could have been inserted, or at least hinting at who Monika is.

No one will ever love you. Not while you are like that!
A SAD MESS. not even a human of value in the first place!
What a freak I heard she...
She also wrote a creepy letter to a boy in this school guess who?
HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHA!!!
You are not my daughter I never had one
Sally you can't keep eating my food and lock yourself away like a bat. What is wrong with you?


This section is very good. It has a very positive effect on the text as a whole, because here I have the feeling that Sally is cowering in a chair and is aware of voices from all sides that want to talk shit about her and destroy her inside.

Sally We need each other I need us. what do you think will do? Die? I'm the only one who is keeping you sane through this! Embrace it and keep living like this. Insane but free!


You have certainly succeeded with this interjection, because in contrast to the other voices it only occurs once, and thus seems like a faint light in the darkness.

Bridge. Gravity. Splash.


With these three words you have managed to bring the reader to a halt. It sums up very well how the avalanche was so small at the beginning and has grown bigger and bigger with each section until you can't take it anymore. Again; I would add another blank line as otherwise it moves a little too "fast".

In some places I notice that punctuation is missing or the capitalisation is wrong. By this I don't mean the paragraphs that are repeated, but is more in the dialogues. I don't see it directly as a stylistic device here, but merely confuses and irritates the reader. Since the further you read, the more you lose the context of who is speaking, I think you have already inserted a good stylistic device. Read over them once and they're gone. :D

You have a very interesting style of writing, which combined with the subject matter and the plot made for a good text. I liked the plot very much. I don't know if it was done on purpose, but since the title is just Sally, I would almost look at it as a scream, which then gets the whole subsequent plot going in the first place, or the scream is to get her out of the hole where she already was and it merely brings her back to that point of repeating.

Enjoy the rest of the writing!

Mailice.




MC says...


Thank you very much for the reviewing this and reading! I will take this critiques to heart to help for the next story. Thanks again!



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Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:47 pm
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BlueGlow wrote a review...



An interesting work to be sure but I would like to come along and drop a bit of criticism. This work feels a bit confused and I got lost in all the dialogue as a lot of the time it isn't clear who is speaking. I think that your visual language is fairly good and manages to paint a picture of whats happening in the heads of your readers. Other than that it is a solid work. Good Job!




MC says...


Thank you very much for reading and for the review! I will take all of your critiques in mind for the next story I will write. Again Thank you for reading!



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Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:53 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there MC :)

I decided to come drop a little comment on your more recent works since it seems we never seem to be able to meet in the chat room. (Which is very annoying btw)

Anyways

I loved the whole idea around this idea. Breaking the fourth wall was at first very innovative and creative, but has been used so many times it's become cheap. Here however, it's not only fourth wall break, it's the literal narrator ? author ? speaking. It's hilarious to read about, and the narrator (author?) was great xD It's a heartwarming story disguised under the traits of a clever comedy, the "narrator" being all the negativity, the voices in her head bringing her down- and "defeating the narrator" really symbolised her taking control of her life, really. It's a beautiful, yet subtle message that just radiates through the page.

There were times where I didn't get what was going on or who was talking though.
You see at first, Sally talks this way:

"I can't think of anything to write! or draw! How do I get out of this predicament?" she asked herself.


"~I reach for the handle and open the door."
then this little wavy thingy comes along. Does it represent the moments where she was in control of her life ? Maybe. But it was very confusing to read. I mixed Sally, Monica and the "narrator's" voice a lot of times throughout the short, and because of that I couldn't quite fully understand the story in its entirety.


Bridge. Gravity. Splash.


What does those words mean ? I would've thought she maybe fell off a bridge and into the water, but last time I saw her, she was in her house. In her room, I think. So did she get out of the house during the story ? And somehow got onto a bridge ?
You really focused more on the dialogues between characters than the setting.
Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, but it is always better to set the scene so the reader has some sort of understanding of what happens.

For that reason, I believe this short would be way more effective under the format of a script.
Why ?
- no need for a setting, except for a few words at the beginning maybe, like "in her room"
- the reader is never confused with who is talking
- you can focus even more on perfecting the dialogues, as that's all there is

Hope this helps you, and good day <333






"I love the whole idea around this idea" %uD83D%uDC4C%uD83D%uDE02



MC says...


Thank you very much! I will be mindful about all this when I'm writing my next story. Thank you for reading!




okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues