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16+ Mature Content

Sally's Room

by MC


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

(Trigger Warning: depression, disillusions, suicide. If you are sensitive to these topics then please don’t read)

To let you know. This writing means the narrator is speaking

Sally. A 15-year-old shut-in teenager who did nothing with her life except write and draw on papers. Books, scrap paper, anything really. Her parents often joked that she would even draw and write on the walls if she could. To which she did. Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.

Today though was different to her. Today. In this very morning, she would learn the worsts of truths. She was __________. Never mind that. Today. Her best and only friend Monika was coming over to support her and help with her many projects she was working on. Since she was really bad at working on one writing project. 

Her room had a bed, a desk with a chair, and tonnes of paper and books. The walls and roof were white. To the point that she thought that if she walked into the wall that she would never find the wall and just go forever. 

There was a knock at her door. Sally got up from her chair and open the door.

"Hello, Sally! I heard your cries for help! What’s wrong?" Monika asked her.

"Oh well, Monika you see I just don't know what to do! I have this project here that I want to work on but feel uninspired and lost on it." She points over to a pile of papers and books on the floor. “This one over here I feel has a lot of potential, but I don’t like how I wrote and will have to rewrite all of it.” She says while pointing to another project. “And that one… I’ve never seen that one before…”

Sally walks over to the books and papers that she believed she never wrote. She bent over to pick it up and was about to read it.

Uh don’t read that! Please!” Monika Spoke quickly.

Why? Isn’t mine?” She shot back at her.

N…. No, it’s just I think you should work on this pile.” Monika said to Sally.

Sally put the papers down and went with Monika to her desk where they started to work. They started to discuss topics about the story but they inevitably got distracted and started to talk about their lives. Sally learned that Monika has a job and a boyfriend already. Which the fact that she had a boyfriend really angered sally.

what about you sally? Do you have anything going on with you?” Monika asked.

No. I find it hard to do anything really there are many things that I used to love and I want to get some stuff but I can’t afford it.”

"It’s simple, Get a job lol"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry I just couldn’t contain myself. That was so funny.

"Wait who said that?" Sally asked.

"Said what sally?" Monika asked sally acting confused.

"Someone just laughed? Didn't you hear it?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." Monika was trying to deny something that was already found out.

Sally was confused and stressed out was she going crazy? HAS SHE LOST MORE OF HER MI...

"STOP TALKING VOICE!"

I'm sorry but what is happening now. This wasn't supposed to happen really.

"What wasn't? what does that mean?"

Uh, nothing just stops listening to me.

"Okay!" No… wait, what? You can't just put words in my mouth?"

No, I can. 

Who are you?”

I go by many names: The narrator, Protector, Demon thing, voice.

Can you leave me alone?” 

Yeah, No. The truth is just that I don’t care. I have a job to do and I’m determined to make sure that I succeed in my goals.

And what is that goal? Can you tell me?”

No. I won’t. Stop fighting and just stop.

Not until you tell me what is happening!” She said defiantly. Until a thick black liquid started to close in around her. Sally struggled to try desperately trying to free herself. She wanted to run, she wanted to hide, to ignore the problem that was confronting her. But she gave up.

Jeeze. Now let’s try this again

Sally. A 15-year-old shut-in teenager who did nothing with her life except write and draw on papers. Books, scrap paper, anything really. Her parents often joked that she would even draw and write on the walls if she could. To which she did. Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.

Today. Her best and only friend Monika was coming over to support her and help with her many projects she was working on. Since she was really bad at working on one writing project. But something was trying to get in. But someone was suppressing it

Her room had a bed, a desk with a chair, and tonnes of paper and books. The walls and roof were white. To the point that she thought that if she walked into the wall that she would never find the wall and just go forever. 

"I can't think of anything do? What am I doing with this?” she asked herself.

There was a knock at the door. She got up and walked to the door and hesitated to open it. And she opened the door.

"Sally! I came to check up on you and to help you write!” Monika said cheerfully.

"Oh, Monika! It’s fine really I don’t need help with anything"

"Oh no. You defiantly do… not need help with anything! But I’ll let myself in. anyway” Monika said and came into the room.

"No, No it’s fine.” Sally said trying to push her away.

"Something is wrong you never do this.” Monika pointed out to her.

It’s just that I feel as though something is wrong. Like I’ve lived this day in this room before. Like a vague dream. Like some sort of being is trying to control me.”

"What?" Monika said confused.

No, not again. How did you break out again?

"What was that! Wait… Narrator?"

No. No. I'm not here remember!

"Yes, you are right! No wait stop doing that."

I'm not doing anything! You are doing it! You stop it.

"What do you mean? I’m doing it? You are!"

No, you see… never mind I can’t talk about that.

Talk about what? What are you trying to hide from me that is so important? The black liquid came again trying to grab her but she knew this would happen and tried to run to the door. The door where she knew there was some sort of safety and freedom. But also, a feeling that she needed to get out. But it was hard to run it was hard to fight. The longer she was in the liquid the more motivation and energy she lost. And she gave up.

Got her. Okay, let’s try this again you can do it. Just... Breathe.

Sally. A 15-year-old shut-in teenager who did nothing with her life except write and draw on papers. Books, scrap paper, anything really. Her pare… 

"NO! We are not doing this again! Just stop." Sally shouted

No, you stop. I’m trying to do the right thing for us. But you are constantly defying my protection. Why are you so determined to find the truth?

"Because the truth means everything to me." Sally replied.

It doesn’t. The truth hurts. I’m not letting history repeat again. 

I will fight to get to the truth.” Sally stated.

Monika enters the room. And just stood there. If you are so desperate to find out then leave the room. I’m not going to let you leave. 

Sally starts to run towards the door as fast as she could. But Monika grabbed her arm tightly. Sally tries to free herself from her grasp to no avail.

Sally Don’t leave me. I won’t exist without you” Monika spoke to sally in a depressed manner. “Running away didn’t solve your problems last time what are the odds that it will solve them this time?”

Sally stopped struggling and stood there. “I want to know the truth. If you give me the truth then I might consider staying.” Sally offered.

Only if I can make you experience it.

Deal.” Sally said, accepting the narrator’s terms.

There was nothing here. It was a black void. And nothing insight was there. Something then appeared in front of her. A child form of herself appeared in front of sally. The younger version of herself was surrounded by other children they were calling her names, hitting her, and laughing at her.

She could hear her parents’ voices speaking to her…

You are such a disappointment to our family name! You're failing your classes it’s unacceptable.” Her father said.

I’m still passing father I…” she tried to defend herself but was cut off.

You are not my child stop treating me like your father.” He said.

She remembered her mother drinking a lot and talking down to her. She remembered her saying the worst of things. “You’re fat, talentless, and a waste of money.”

She remembered the school putting so much pressure upon her. She was stressed, burned out, alone and not many people were willing to help.

She saw Monika and how successful she was and had dark thoughts about if she really cares about her at all really cared for her.

She remembered crying in her room wanting to end it all. The thoughts of all these events hurt her so much.

She fell to the ground.

Sally, we need each other I need us. what do you think will do? Die? I’m the only one who is keeping you sane through this! Embrace me and keep living like this. Insane but free!

She kept silent.

Have you given up on us? Do you want me to lock the painful memories again so you can’t get hurt anymore? 

Don’t bother doing anything I want out. I need to confront this. And I know you are still hiding something.” Sally stated

How do you… No matter If you won’t want to stay here under my protection I will keep going with this. YOU WILL NOT LEAVE!

The door was her only way out of her room but the voice won’t go without a fight. It was her mission to free herself and confront her problem.

The children who bullied her manifested in front of her. They called her names that hurt her as a child. But she has grown. This childish name-calling didn’t hurt as much as it used to. She started to walk past them and they continued to call her names until she was past them then they faded away.

STOP IT!

Her parents manifested.

Sally Just stop. Don’t bother. You’re a disappointment and a failure. You’re talentless and overweight.” They said to her. “You are not our daughter.”

Mother, Father… You are toxic and a plaque. Can’t keep going along with you. It’s time to let me go. And let me walk the path I want to take.” Sally spoke to them. The parents didn’t reject her. They said nothing towards her and faded away.

Monika Manifested herself in front of Sally.

"Sally stop! Let's stay and write a poem! please... Without you, I won't exist! We can do so much together. Please just stay with us.” Monika Begged

Sally Held her hand and look her in her eyes. “Monika. I need to tell you something… I love you. Ever since I figured out my sexuality. It’s already painful enough that I learned a terrible truth. Now you are fighting me for my freedom. I want to leave so I can be free. And I want you to join me sometime. So please stop. And free yourself.” Sally said to her. Monika stopped and faded away.

I manifested in front of myself.

Give up. Just give up. No one ever loved you in the first place. Stay here will protect you. Just stop walking. You are free here with us. You need me to keep you safe in the first place. Just stop fighting. You are worthless, impure, and disgusting. If you leave what will the people outside think of you? They will continue to fight with you, hurt you! I’m making sure this won’t happen again!

The words the voice said kept hurting me. It felt as though it was a repeated stab in my soul. Sally starts to slowly be blown away from the door like in a sandstorm. But She kept going.

I won’t let you go. I’m the only one who cares about you. You are weak and hopeless without me! The world is just going to hurt you over and over again. Why are you still fighting!

Sally grabs her clone and hugs it. “I’m… sorry you feel this way…” Sally said to the clone. She starts to cry. “I’ve been making you deal with something I should’ve dealt with ages ago. But I kept it within and you came to my protection when I am responsible. Please… accept it and let yourself be free.”

Thank you… And just like that the voice and the clone were gone.

There was nothing to stop me now. I grabbed the door handle and opened the door.

*beep* *beep* *beep*

That sound woke sally. It isn't like my alarm. But where am I? The room was a dream…

A painful memory made itself clear.

Sally was at a bridge was ready to jump into the waters below. It was time to say goodbye to this world. “Sally? What are you doing!” Monika asked her horrified. She saw the letter in her hand. Monika knew she was going to kill herself. “Sally. Step away from there please… whatever your motive for this action it isn’t worth it.

It is… This world is horrible I have no place even the person who I was in love with and still am has betrayed me… there is nothing for me in this world…” sally said and she starts to cry.

She starts to go over the rails Monika starts to walk slowly closer towards Sally. “Please, Sally. Even if this life isn’t worth it don’t do it. For me.” Monika spoke. Sally thought about it for a second until the police arrived to help out. She got scared and slipped and fell. Monika reached out trying to catch her but missed. Sally fell into the water she started to regret this choice as she felt the air going out of her body. She was going to die here. As her world turned dark and the only thing she tried to say “I’m sorry…”

Sally knew exactly where she was. The hospital. She must have fallen into a coma after the fall. Her sight was slowly coming back. Someone was crying next to her.

"Monika? Is that you?” She said to Monika softly

"SALLY!"

She wrapped her arms around my body she was warm and a bit wet from her tears she was sheading. Her embrace was tight as though she didn’t want to let go.

"Sally... I... I’m so sorry I didn't know... I didn't see the signs, I didn’t catch you I…"

"No. Don’t be. None of it was your fault.” Sally replied. She was starting to cry as well.  

I was scared that you weren’t going to wake up. That I was going to see you die in front of me. You are my best friend and more. I don’t want you to leave me.” Monika whispered to her.

It was now or never to tell her it was going to manifest again if she didn’t ask. "Monika... I wanted to tell you something. Don't say yes just so you don't hurt my feelings but I wanted to say... I am in love with you. You make me smile in my darkest times and laugh. You helped me when no one else would, you still are trying to get close beside the fact I pushed you away. I love you so much."

"Sally I love you as well. You have made me so happy and I want to spend my time with you."

They both embraced each other tightly. And in so many years of torment, Sally smiled not to hide the pain but to finally be free from it.

-the end.


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Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:18 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, MC! After reading your story, I must wonder... dos that stand for Main Character? *gasps* Am I just a side character? If this is the Netflix adaptation it makes sense since I'm gay and all, hehe

I must admit, when I started reading your story I was pretty confused. I didn't understand the need for the narrator's, err, narration to be in italics. It was a little weird.

And then I reached the good part, and it was awesome!!! I really liked this whole story; you began on a note of light-heartedness, and gradually shifted to something a lot more serious. The only thing I can critique about that is how you need to be just a little more delicate when dealing with topics like suicide and abuse. I mean, whatever came out felt rather blunt. I'm not saying it's unlikely to happen, just that the way it was shoved in the reader's face felt imperfect.

Her best and only friend Monika was coming over to support her and help with her many projects she was working on. Since she was really bad at working on one writing project.

How about replacing the fullstop with a comma?

Her room was covered in papers and books lying around, any spare surface wasn't safe from this plaque of paper.

I think you mean "plague", not "plaque."

Which the fact that she had a boyfriend really angered sally.

Why is there a "which" here? It messes up the grammar a bit. Remove it.

I'm sorry but what is happening now. This wasn't supposed to happen really.

This is a tad difficult to read, so maybe you could rephrase it like this:
"I'm sorry, but what is happening now wasn't supposed to happen at all."

Sally struggled to try desperately trying to free herself.

Hummm. You're having a little difficulty with sentence construction, so I'll try to sort those out when I come across them. This one, for instance, has "try" repeated twice, which there's no point to. You could instead write, "Sally desperately tried to free herself." it conveys the same thing but removes the redundancies.

But something was trying to get in. But someone was suppressing it

There is no need for the second "but." The first ones is enough to show the contrast.

The walls and roof were white. To the point that she thought that if she walked into the wall that she would never find the wall and just go forever.

I don't really understand what you mean by this, so could you try to rephrase it a little?

Oh no. You defiantly do

I think you mean "definitely."

If you are so desperate to find out then leave the room. I’m not going to let you leave.

Eh? The narrator tells her to leave, then says they won't let her leave? I think one of these sentences wasn't meant to be there...

And nothing insight was there.

There's no need for this line, you already established that there's nothing in view.

Sally, we need each other I need us. what do you think will do?

The grammar here is pretty convoluted, could you look at this again and rewrite it?

They both embraced each other tightly. And in so many years of torment, Sally smiled not to hide the pain but to finally be free from it.

The ending was quite touching and well written.
I don't know why she tried to kill herself, though, because... didn't she just confront all her insecurities and defeat them? But, well, it's still a very nice story and I liked it quite a lot.

Your style of writing is pretty unique and definitely worth checking out, so I hope you put up more of your work on YWS!

~ Lee




MC says...


Thanks for the review! I'll take all the critiques you proposed into consideration. Thanks!



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Wed Jun 02, 2021 8:03 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi MC,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I think I've read your previous version before. Because when I read it, I noticed the similarity to an earlier story. At first glance, it was a confusing, unusual, conflict-heavy piece of writing. You wrote a unique, split plot through your style. I like how you simplified it to portray a kind of split personality, or even just to portray someone who lacks confidence and seems neurotic. It was an emotional, psychological adventure to go on. :D

Some points that stood out to me while reading:

To the point that she thought that if she walked into the wall that she would never find the wall and just go forever.

I like this description. You add a certain charm of the unknown and the subconscious in this sentence, which gives the text, or rather the narrator here, a very interesting ending. I can imagine this sentence wonderfully.

"Uh don't read that! Please!" Monika Spoke quickly.

The "spoke" must be written in lower case.

Sally put the papers down and went with Monika to her desk where they started to work. They started to discuss topics about the story but they inevitably got distracted and started to talk about their lives.

Here you need to work a little on the structure, because the "started" was repeated three times in two sentences. Either you can try to bring some new life into it by using synonyms or you try to rewrite it a bit and add or take away some things. (In which case I would at most add something, because the narrator already has a good overview, and taking it away would lead to small holes in the plot).

"what about you sally? Do you have anything going on with you?" Monika asked.

The capitalisation in your text is opaque. Sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not. I would read over it again and try to remove these little mistakes. It disturbs the reading flow a bit when words that are actually capitalised remain lower case. It's like a wave, somehow :D

"Said what sally?" Monika asked sally acting confused.

Capitalisation again, but really I just wanted to note here that you could add a comma after Monika's "what".

Sally was confused and stressed out was she going crazy?

Here I would separate the sentences between "stressed out" and "what".

Uh, nothing just stops listening to me.

There is one too many "s" in "stops". :D

She got up and walked to the door and hesitated to open it. And she opened the door.

The two sentences contradict each other because there is no real pause between them. First Sally hesitates to open the door and then she does? Maybe you could add a line of thought or a comment or rewrite the two sentences: "After a few seconds of hesitation, Sally got up, marched to the door and opened it (carefully)." (Example.)

Something then appeared in front of her. A child form of herself appeared in front of Sally.

You have expressed the same thing twice in these two sentences. I would rewrite the second sentence as "It was her reflection, only younger." (Example.)

Whew. You managed to have me sitting there at the end with confusion and perplexity, yet with motivation and interest. It's a very intriguing story, where I might also be interpreting too much than what you intended. I think it simply describes the inner conflict that Sally has and how it asserts itself. Just by alternating the two narrative voices, it seems like the text is double, which I think is good. It gives that incentive to pause sometimes, and wonder if Sally is doing everything by herself... or of herself...? :D You create an extraordinary dynamic through your style, which I like.

In combination with the title I can see the "room" as her inner life / brain.

One point where you still need to work a bit is the grammar. There are some mistakes in there that can be quickly eliminated by re-reading towards the end. You can also improve by writing even more, because at some point you will come to a reflection and realise what you need to change.

In summary, it was a very good, improved version of your previous story. I liked it a lot, especially because it creates a conscious unacceptability in that certain way.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.





I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
— Chandler Bing