The room was dark, and cold. Outside, I could hear nothing, no people, no cars, not even the wind. This was torture, pure mental torture. This wasn't right, to be locked up in a room, all four walls bearing in on me, I had no right to argue, no right to bargain, I was a prisoner. No one came for me, I didn't expect anything more. I had no family, my friends were all traitors, fleeing the moment I got into trouble. No one wanted to have anything to do with me. I was, in their minds, a complete freak of nature. Maybe, they were right.
I could hear footsteps, different from the kind I was used to. Heavy footsteps, probably one of those attorneys who come and try to convince me to "plead guilty". I know better, I'm not the one at wrong. Just because someone has skills beyond that of a human doesn't make them a criminal, but in the eyes of society, all that possess such powers deserve only one thing, death.
The door slid open, heaving metal grinding against metal. I hate that noise, it's close to bursting my eardrums. Someone steps in, black leather shoes, all waxed and shiny. Great, another one of those bloody attorneys, I'm sick of this.
"I told you people, I'm not pleading guilty, so you can just fuck off and leave me alone," I said.
"I'm not a lawyer, Derek, I know you've been upset with them, and I do apologise on their behalf. They are, after all, just doing their job," he replied. His voice reeks of sarcasm, smooth talker, but I won't be taken in. However, I'm interested in what he's here for.
"So you aren't one of those people? Then what do you want, I've dealt with the police, the FBI and all the rest of you guys, what makes you any different?"
"I'm here to offer you freedom," he smirked. "A chance to get away from this horrible place. You don't like it, do you? I don't think anyone would."
For the first time, I'm taken aback, I've prepared myself mentally for every single situation I could probably face, but not this. There's no way in hell someone would just walk in and offer me a way out, something wasn't right.
"So what's the catch? There has to be a reason you're letting me run free aren't you?"
"You're smarter than I thought," he laughed. "Yes, there is a condition. The people I work for are in need of....talented people, those who have the abilities beyond the average man. You're perfect for the job, seeing as you have your special skills."
"So I'm just a tool to them, right? They'll throw me back in here once they have no more need for me."
"That depends, we may decide to allow you total freedom if you manage to redeem yourself, but for now you belong to us."
"Redeem myself?! I have done no wrong, asshole! My powers were used to help people, but then I got framed and thrown in this shithole! You have no right to come here and fucking tell me to redeem myself!" I screamed, blood boiling in every vein my body.
"You don't have a choice, either you come with me or you die! I'm being nice to you by allowing you to live! You should be dead by now you freak!" He snapped. "Don't you understand?! You no longer have a right of your own, you're not a human, so you're classified as a freak, a freak among us, the normal people!"
"Who the fuck gives you the right to control someone's life?! Who the fuck gives you the right to decide if they live or die?! No one! No one has the right! Don't try and play God!" I felt myself close to my breaking point, without the drugs administered to me I would have killed this man by now, my hands wanted to grasp his neck and snap it, I wanted to tear him apart into a million pieces, I wanted to shred his flesh with my bare hands. I wanted his blood to spill.
"You son of a bitch! You have no right to talk to me like that. Your life, your whole future, is and will be controlled by us. You no longer have a right of your own, get it?!" He marched across the room grabbed my neck. I felt his hands tighten around them, choking the breath out of me.
"Listen," he whispered icily. "You keep your mouth shut and do as I say, or else I'm gonna blow your brains out and end your pathetic life, am I clear?"
All fight that I had before had gone out of me, I knew I was at a losing end. One man against the entire world, what chance did I have? For now my life was controlled by them, a puppet played by people who thought highly of themselves. They would have power over me, for now, but not for long. I control my own life, I will change my own destiny.
Note: I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate and love it if anyone else that's reviewing this could help review part 2-4 of this story too. :D
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Destiny - Part 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
To start, I will definitely read the rest of these chapters.
This was very confusing to read. There was no consistency in your character's speech. They would talk the same sometimes, then they would talk differently other times. You need to develop your character's voice. Thoroughly developed characters are essential for any novel.
This was far to fast paced. You fit a lot of information in a very small place. You need to stretch this out so that they reader is not overwhelmed with so much information so quickly. Slow down and explain things. Where is this man? Why is he there? What are his abilities? Also, you need to explain that he is on sedative drugs sooner so that we don't ask ourselves why he hasn't already broken out of whatever prison he is in.
He gave up the argument with this man far too quickly. It seemed almost ridiculous that he would lose all of his inner fight just because this man threatened him with his life. If he was trapped in that jail with no hope of escape or release, why would he care about his life? And who are these people controlling his life? You cannot simply just say "them". And if he lost his fight, why is he saying that he will change his destiny? There needs to be consistency there.
Overall, this was a very interesting read and I cannot wait to have all of my pressing questions answered. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hello!
I think that the people who have reviewed this before I did really hit on some of the major grammatical stuff: You use way too many commas in many instances, especially in the opening paragraphs. I would review some punctuation rules just so you have better judgement in where and where not to put commas.
One of the biggest problems with this piece is the lack of consistency in your character's voice. And by this I refer to the tense that your narrator speaks in. You need to pick one tense and stick to it. I realize how difficult this is when you write in the first person, but it's very important and it aids the flow of your story.
That being said, this chapter is a very quick read, which is nice because it keeps the reader interested. I think that you can definitely improve your depth in this chapter, however. You described the setting pretty well, but maybe you can give some more insight into the psychology of your protagonist. The reader is left curious as to what powers your character possesses, which makes me interested in reading part two.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
Hey Lycando!
No comma.
This feels very fragmented. I don’t know if that was the effect you were going for, but personally I’d like this better if it were more coherent.
This again, is fragmented. Take out the comma after “maybe”.
Saying “unfamiliar footsteps” would be cleaner.
Abrupt change of tense here—you began in past and now you’re suddenly in present. Stick to one or the other.
You have emotion in the dialogue, which is excellent, but then you have “said” which brings it up short. I’m more than in favour of using “said”, but here I think you need something with more oomph. How does he say this? Quietly, dully, resigned to his fate? Loud and furious, still unbeaten?
Who is this he? There’s no description of him; you just introduced his shoes and left it at that. He’s got no face. I can’t picture him. What does he look like? His face, his hair, his teeth, his expression?
You use a lot of commas to string your sentences together. Try and break it up or use semi-colons, but the commas aren’t strong enough to hold this all together.
I’ve always found “smirked” very cheesy, but that could just be me.
Another example of the over-abundance of commas. Here, putting “something wasn’t right” in its own sentence gives a much greater impact than keeping it with the rest. It’ll be by itself so it will stand so we will notice it more.
This isn’t really smart—it’s just common sense. Do they think he’s a moron or something? Also, technically, you can’t laugh a line of dialogue. Maybe a few words, but not a whole line.
Personally, I hatehatehate it when authors use more than one punctuation mark together like !! or ?! It looks cheap. Also, I don’t think ratings are back yet, but you should probably add a note in the title or at the beginning to say this contains strong swearing.
---
Hi!
It seems like you have a strong character here. Derek seems like a guy who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say so. I did find his sudden backing down at the end rather inconsistent though. I mean, I get that he’s powerless and the other guy’s literally at his throat, but his sudden change comes as a surprise after his display of defiance just moments before.
Plot-wise... This didn’t grab me. Sorry.
Your prose could use more description. At present it’s very dialogue heavy, which is perfectly fine, but could do with more description so we can visualise the scene better. How do they both stand? What does the other guy’s body language reveal about his attitude? What is he wearing? What is Derek wearing? What is the cell like, what does it look like, smell like?
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
I think this really has the support to be something really phenomenal, but I think you could develop it a lot. The opening paragraph is phenomenal - a deeply unsettling and attention-getting stream of thought. This paragraph's an exercise in paranoia, and I love Derek's insecurities here.
The problem is that neither of the two characters rise above a dimension or two. Derek is set up as "the innocent man wrongly accused", the favorite archetype of the vaunted Alfred Hitchcock. From his dialogue we see that he embodies the "youth in revolt" cliche as well. These are both great starting places, but there's nothing in his dialogue or description to suggest anything about his past, special "powers", relationships, situation, nor much of his personality (besides the fact that he's quick to swear). The lawyer/interrogator is likewise profane and elitist, but he'd greatly benefit from description. What do these people look like? What are they wearing? Perhaps think about describing their intonations and body movements during conversation.
Overall, this could use more descriptive language and sensory detail - there's almost none. (Read this with the caveat that I am aware there are three more chapters, and that this is meant to develop gradually.) I'll be interested to see how you handle the "special powers", which often sounds much like X-Men when first mentioned but in many short stories and novels can provide intrigue and suspense.
I like where this is going, and some of your dialogue - though stilted and awkwardly punctuated in places - is excellent. However, with this first chapter I do not feel I know this world, nor these characters, and there is little to know sensory description. That doesn't hinder my excitement to continue reading, and I thank you for sharing this with this all!
Here to review :3
Thanks for your review btw
Content: I'll give your content 10 out of 10 because you gave just the right amount of information to keep the reader informed but still interested in the whole story. Good job!
Storyline:
For the storyline I'll give you 10 out of 10 because it is REALLY intriguing and will drag a reader in, making them want to know a lot more. Secondly I like the way the main character, Derek says "don't try and play God" because no one has that right- it really stuck out at me.
Grammar: A couple people probably already corrected your grammar mistakes so I'm just going to give a rating- 8 out of 10 because you made couple of honest mistakes.
Overall this whole story sounds like a great read and very, very promising! I would love to see where you take this Lycando, nice work!
Hey, I'm here to review your short story, hope I help
You don't need a comma here.
Nice start, but I think it would work better as two sentences.
"Outside, I could hear nothing. No people, no cars, not even the wind.
I only think this because you already have a lot of comma's here... So use a full stop and make it a short sentence like above ^^^
I really like the first paragraph. It was really captivating and interesting! You set the scene very well.
Nothing to improve on here other than what I already mentioned.
This was also a very interesting paragrapgh. Well done, you already have me wanting more and we are barely 200 words in.
But you see where I have quoted. Well, to add more of an impact, you could split this into a shorter sentence:
"...deserve only one thing. Death."
I just think it would add a bit more of an effect on the reader.
The bit in bold is what I think could be altered a little...
Maybe if you said something that goes into a little more detail. You could say "it brings me onto the verge of my eardrums bursting." Yeah? This is just a suggestion, so you don't have to change it... but it may
look and read better. It does in my eyes anyway.
Good so far... not sure where this is going yet, so well done for keeping me in suspence!
Well, reading on some more I am really interested in where this is going... what are these special skills hm?
Okay, so I have read through the whole thing, and I must say that this is absolutely brilliant. Now, how about some positives and negatives?
Positives:
-Good structure.
-Well paced.
-Interesting characters.
-Good suspence.
-Good description.
There is probably a lot more, but here is the praise I offer you now!^^
Negatives:
-Sentences carry out too long.
-You need to split up your sentences more.
-Use less comma's for the long sentences.
-Add more short sentences... not too many!
So, this is the small things I picked out, but they can be very easily fixed!
Well then, you have done a very good job here. Just one more issue...
This leads on a lot more that just a short story split into parts. You should make it a novel... it would work out very well... I suspect!
Anyway, well done and keep writing!
-Clarity'xo
Thanks for the review! Really helpful
Great story. I like how you gave an inside view of a person with supernatural powers. Nice flow and thought process. The story feels real and as if it were being told by an actual person.
Positives I saw were these:
-Nice flow.
-Realistic insight and dialogue.
-Old idea presented in a new way.
-Gives you a great perspective and setting right away.
Negatives are these:
-Didn't know the main character was guy until near the end.
-Nothing else really.
Keep Writing!
Overall the story has a nice flow and is easy to read. There are some mistakes, but nothing mayor. Wait a couple of days and then read it again and you should find most of them.
The idea about some individuals developing powers and the society knowing about it is quite interesting, and I'm curious about what powers Derek might have. You do not tell the reader much about Derek. We get to know his name, but except for that you give no description of him whatsoever. I tend to like stories where you get to paint your own picture, but in this case I think you could've given the reader a bit more.
The other guy who comes in later is described just as little as Derek. We only get to know what shoes he's wearing. When he first comes in I get the image of a very calm person, who wont easily get angry, but after just a little taunting he goes nuts. Maybe you can change him a little, so that he gives a more consistent impression?
I'm gonna go and read part 2 now. Keep writing
Thanks for the feedback!