Young Writers Society

Heya Lux! incoming review!

Yes yes, you have showed me these beautiful poems before, but now I can properly critique and praise them >:) Anywho on with the review!

I'll briefly comment on each poem, staring with Dim

One thing I don't see too much in full poetry is such a strong beat. I know you said you have a strong sense of rhythm in your poetry and it shows quite well. You kind of have to speak with such prosody because of how you write it. One part that was off rhythmically is

it pierces me, numbly cold
prolongs the hopelessness in my soul

as i feign this smile
it delights in my doom
stranded on this isle

this sickening feeling

souring my tongue
salting my lips
clawing away in me
it rips through my veins
my skin cracks
my eyes swell

i loll

quick blinks
itchy eyes

waiting for the light to seep through

The rattles, creaks; screams in the air
banging on the walls, pulling out hair

The bright blank walls... this macabre place
Locked away; being kept safe

Contained. Tight. All in this false warmth
but the fragmented memories are cold to the core

Pale lips and dark eyes
washing away my sleepless nights

Their false promises-- but I'm still sane
This may not be true for long; here I remain

Cleo Carson speaking:

Wow, great job on writing this poem. I find it relatable because I write my stories at unholy hours of the night. One thing that kinda messed with me was the fact that "I" was never capitalized(I have OCD, so that's probably why). Anyway, thanks again for writing a relatable poem!

-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriffs Office

Hi, hello! This is Ina speaking. I am here to comment/review your poems. By the way, I like the title hihi. Very sad I'm going to say. Anyways, moving on to these poems.

The first poem Dim:
"Deep long sighs
that’s all i do
The countless lies
i count as true
this guttural silence--
yes, it screams
i wonder, why then
they haunt my dreams

i dimly think
in my shadowed mind
the darkness eats
all the light

it chews away
spitting those pieces
i have no say;
it does as it pleases
and there it looms
as i feign this smile
it delights in my doom
stranded on this isle

i dimly think
in this empty heart
and still you wait
to tear me apart

the music starts
it plays my theme
i play my part
so to demean
it pierces me, numbly cold
prolongs the hopelessness in my soul

i dimly think
my eyes go blank
off in the distance
there i wait"

The rhythm and the flow of this poem are good. It reminds me of my music taste that revolves with the sad thoughts of the artist like these could be lyrics without a melody. It is also very imaginative. I imagine a sad person crying on their desk and writing these words down. By the way, I found a line that is only capitalized, did you mean that or something?

The second poem, Hide:
"it bubbles up
festering-- and it
boils
this sickening feeling
and i still burn
welling up...
it pours
i cannot stop it
they run
endless rivers
souring my tongue
salting my lips
clawing away in me
it rips through my veins
my skin cracks
my eyes swell
a blinding red
pounding in my ears
relentless
banging against my skull
i wipe them away
with my crooked fingers
i smile
though i've cried

i hide it."

This poem tells me that the narrator wants to hide emotions and how they really feel. This also tells me that this person hurts themselves and smiled through all the pain even if it didn't help and it wasn't genuine. How sad though. Maybe this person is struggling to tell people how they really feel and express themselves but if this relates to anyone you can PM me, if I can help anyone in here.

The third poem, Until Morning:
"the exhaustion returns
i loll
quick blinks
itchy eyes
they burn for the coming flood
i tire of this
the ink flowing, and my mind--
intent to never let me rest
a constant ringing;
an echo
of mine-- and theirs;
the venom it bursts
dripping. splitting the seams
i try to stop it
it wastes me away
until my soul chatters
when is my relief?

waiting for the light to seep through"

It seems like this person either sleep as a coping mechanism or doesn't sleep at all because they are so sad. It also seems like this person has no one to talk to, and no close friends and family. The description of how in pain this person is, is accurate. The line "i tire of this" is better if it's "i'm/i am tired of this".

The fourth poem or the poem that inspired you in the last part of your writing is good too but I don't think there are such sane poeple in asylums.

I hope this helps and thank you for sharing such good poems! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night.

hello!!

okay firstly the title, it's so captivating and eye-catching. It resonates with the poems since you can have so many strange thoughts and random poem ideas (mostly) at night. I completely feel you here.
All of your poems have great starts since they really keep you reading, especially this one:

Deep long sighs
that’s all i do
The countless lies
i count as true
this guttural silence--
yes, it screams
i wonder, why then
they haunt my dreams