Note: I'm not content with this yet, and I want to improve it through other's critique, hence why I'm posting it unfinished.
The stars, the moon, the Heavens clear;
Could not stop this ferrous impulse dear.
This tidal wave of gratification
Breaking every stellar fortification.
And who cares to know of such?
Not some feeble mind like thine.
It is mine. That love I have for
This pretty starlit deluxe Divine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It is unfinished? You must be a really good poet because from what I read it is awesome as it is. Really like your concept and how you kept it simle but sophisticated. I like those poems. If I could give you constructive feedback I would say maybe add a color blue or black? to really make your poem vivid. I really like your style
Yeah, I had a lot of difficulty writing it so I doubt I'll ever be content with it xD Thank you! That's something I hadn't considered.
Lupin
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem is a rough draft (in a good way) since most rough drafts of poems do need help and improvement to most but I will pick out the goods first since that it what i do with all the poem I review. I enjoyed the end rhymes in this poem since it gives itself a beat or rhythm to it (which most poems can't do well) also the tone of this poem (although unfinished) could be helpless or wonder of what the feelings you had (or why they are gone).
this stanza needs some help or rather work. To begin, I would change the whole stanza to something like this This beautiful starlit surprise is divine since that would make more sense but if you choose to stick with this stanza, lowercase the -d in Divine since divine a feeling, not a thing.Nitpick(s):
this stanza looks a little choppy (in my opinion since it kinda looks like you are repeating. The Heavens and everything within the Heavens or something similar to that.
[quote] Could not stop this ferrous impulse dear.[quote] I would add a comma after impulse since it would look like it needs breath or pause (tiny one).
Overall, i would say that this poem (although needing its repairs in what it is worth) is perfectly done and also i enjoyed how you used -thine instead of yours (nice touch there) also once again, the end rhymes that scatter around which means some lines rhyme, while some don't. I hope this helps and hopefully, get to read more of these poems you write.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Thank you Tuesday for the review! That's some great advice, I've taken it aboard.
Lupin
The charged language in this gives this poem a beautifully vivid theme of the scenery of a nighttime sky. It actually made me visualize Leonardo Da Vinci's Starry Night painting. Now from what I'm reading, you as the author is trying to depict a connection with the night sky and the underappreciated beauty of it. Am I correct or no? If that was the direction you were going in I'll be happy to pitch some further ideas with you
This poem is so uniquely written and deserves to be elaborated on!
Hey happiestwr1t1ng23! Thanks for the review. I guess so, I tend to write quite vaguely so it's up to your interpretation. Haha that's quite a comparison!
Haha, you're welcome, Lupin! And don't worry it's a tendency every writer has had and being vague has its perks. It's definitely better than being predictable. Nice work
Okay then, grammar first. After impulse in the second line, there needs to be a comma. Then there needs to be a comma after gratification at the end of the third line. A comma after such on the fifth line, and after for on the seventh line. Also, when you say,
"This pretty starlit deluxe Divine" what is Divine and why is it capitalized? Also needs a period at the end.
Other than that this is a great poem with a lot of feels. Are you wanted help with an ending for the poem or is it technically complete and you want an edit? I really like, sorry if I am seeming over picky for the grammar and stuff, that's just me sometimes!
Thanks for the review! I think it's roughly finished, I can't see it being lengthened or anything like that, however it's in need of an edit haha.
~delete me~