Into the Deep

This was a really cute poem. (A lot better than my first attempt) I love how you start off with into the deep we go since the reader can picture themself going on an adventure into the ocean blue. This poem also reminded me of little mermaid and now I can't stop singing under the sea... Thanks... I quite like how you go Shakespearean at one point but I don't think that it really fits since your poem is quite the casual one. I like the rhyming scheme and the lyrics are fun so this was a good read. The way you end it is really enjoyable and it makes me want to re-read it since it feels like a cool little chorus that you would find in a party song that you would listen to joyfully on the beach. Overall this poem gave a good holiday feel to it and I really liked reading it! -Marshymallow

Hello I'm Ashkitten and I will be reviewing your poem. First I'm going to talk about what I felt like needs improving and then I will talk about what I liked about it. Most people do it the other way around but I always like to leave people feeling uplifted after they read my review. Remember that this is only meant to help you improve your pieces and make you a better writer as a whole.
First, the tenses are a little off for me. Sinking, blinking, floating, those all are great but when I read drift, it makes me want to add an ing to it. I actually think it would add to the flow if you said drifting instead of drift. Other reviews have tackled the other problem areas. so that's it with the nit picky stuff.
Now onto what I liked about it. I find it immensely impressive that this is your first poem. You have a lot of talent for someone so young. You also have a great vocabulary which is also impressive. I love the word tableau. I feel like it just rolls off the tongue and it instantly creates a a clear depiction of imagery when paired with even just one word, and you chose starry, which was brilliant. Starry tableau, that's just a great pairing of words. When I read it, I almost felt instantly like an Alice in wonderland, Alice falling down the hole feeling, I don't have a problem with the word floating because it's a part of that whole rabbit hole thing for me where Alice was falling and still floating at the same time. I liked the ending, it made me feel after falling down into this abyss that the bottom was a whole new life or opportunity. That it took jumping into the unknown to reveal an exciting ending. I really loved the composition and the structure. I loved how it was simple, and subtle, yet drew me in, in a very hypnotic way. You definitely need to keep writing because your poetry is very different, and unique, which makes me want to read more. I look forward to your next piece, and appreciate you taking the step to sharing this beautiful poem with us.

This wasn't 'pretty bad' it was really good. I can honestly tell you you're first attempt is way better than others. I really love this piece and imagery is amazing. The rhyming is absolutely terrific and I think it's amazing. As I saw below everyone else attacked the problems so I'll go ahead and just say keep writing because this was amazing.

Mega appreciated? Seems worth it.

Hi Lupin~

Honestly, this was quite different that most of the other poetry I've been subject to on this site. But, the first thing I should have told is that this is NOT sucky poetry. Okay? Or "pretty bad" poetry, or kind-of-bad-but-I'm-just-trying-to-be-nice poetry. This is PRETTY DAMN GOOD poetry. Don't doubt yourself.

Anyway, I thought this was very smart. Your vocabulary usage was good, and I think the Shakespearean-type language you used towards the end wasn't too much; it actually helped your piece. I'm not seeing any spelling or grammar errors, which is awesome. It took me a while to figure out your rhyming pattern, though. Then I realized that you paired the first and fourth lines, and then the second and third lines in each stanza.

Speaking of stanzas; you kind of have three of them. I think separating the poem into those four-line groupings would better distinguish the lines that rhyme from those that don't, and therefore improve the general flow. If there's a reason you would rather keep it how it is, though, it wouldn't hurt the work too much just because the poem is short as it is.

This work is very cryptic. There is an overall air about it that suggests a hidden meaning. I actually really like this!

"Into the deep we go.
Under and sinking
Hold back from blinking,
Into the starry tableau."

This is wonderful; I absolutely love the description and vivid imagery here! Your rhyming is spot on. I can easily interpret that the narrator is sinking, whether into the ocean or into a metaphorical abyss. Of what? Based on the first stanza, I don't know.

"Heavy as a stone,
Floating is easy.
With thine heart queasy,
Drift to the Golden Throne."

This second section is the one that kind of makes me crazy. You mention that the narrator is as heavy as a stone, and earlier you mention that they're sinking, and suddenly floating is easy? It perplexes me, as I'm sure it perplexes your other readers. Maybe he/she was sinking, and then floating suddenly becomes easy? I don't know, but it messes with your entire flow. I would suggest omitting the word, "floating" and putting something in place of it. Maybe "deflection", or something similar.

In my mind, when I read this poem, I construe (or possibly misconstrue) that the narrator is 'sinking to power' in the sense that they are gaining power, but are losing things along the way. During the lines about his/her heart being queasy and then drifting to the Golden Throne, I infer that maybe his heart is queasy because he is sacrificing love, or maybe because in his crave for power, his heart is becoming blackened and he is leaving kindness and sympathy for royalty/domination, etc.. If this is so, it's cleverly done.

"But what - too far?
Thou art so very near.
Dispel all thine fear,
Join the grande bazaar."

So now, either someone is talking to the reader, or to the narrator? The identity of the speaker is kind of cloudy, for you give us no description. Adding one more stanza to incorporate some description may be helpful, but not necessary—so don't worry about it too much. Enigmatic poetry is the best kind.

THAT ENDING, OH MY GOSH. It's magnificent. There's nothing else to be said.

Okay, so I'm just gonna be nitpicky for a second, and do a quick run through. In the first stanza, I think putting "Hold back from blinking" in parenthesis would really establish the feeling of the narrator convincing his or herself to refrain from opening their eyes. It's a mental struggle, so I think the parenthesis would really make it stand out. In the second stanza, I think adding a pronoun before "Heavy as a stone" to give us an idea about who you're referring to (I.e. He or She).

The first line in the last stanza: the reader knows what you're getting at, but your wording is kind of faulty. I would suggest maybe changing it slightly to make a little more sense, for example:

"What, 'it is too far'?
But thou art so very near."

Or something like that.

Wow, okay. That's all I have to say. Despite my terribly lengthy review, I loved this poem. Seriously, it was wonderful—continue writing poetry, Lupin. I hope that some of my suggestions helped.

Yours,
Savvy

I liked how you started off. And this is definitely a good first attempt, better than mine though xD anyways, this poem has many meanings to it, every poem does, so please give me some input on how you wanted to present this.

Hey Lupin! The name I am going by is Biluata which means kitten in Hindu. Just a fun tidbit about myself. I'm not a professional poet writer, I mean, I am only 14 but I do write poetry often so I thought it would be nice to chat with you sometime, about poetry and stuff! This is a very good piece, and since you are noob, or so you claim you are, I mean this is really good, not something someone could write without at least a little bit of experience! Anyway, if I seem overly critisizing of your poem, I don't mean to be, I guess I'm just picky! By the way, I like your username, Lupin. An interesting choice, fan of wolves? Or werewolves I guess, since Lupin was the king of wolves and werewolves in Greek Mythology or perhaps you already know that. Anyway, back to your poem. This poem has a lot of good flow, short and kind of choppy with the style that you are using, but it flows and personally I think the choppiness really helps your poem along, it reads really nice. Also, the use of thou and thine, it gives the poem another undertone, I'm not really sure how to describe it, but it is really good. Sometimes I'm really picky about grammer in my reviews, but for this one, I think I am going to focus more on the feeling of the poem. I especially like the lone "Join the grande bazaar." There are so many different translations that could be made about this poem, I mean, it could easily be a poem about death, a poem about life, a poem about love, I mean, it all depends on your experiences in life on how you interpret a poem, so I thought I would give it a shot, since this is a review after all. Personally I think it is a poem about death and the last line, "Join the grande bazaar" that is a good line, I mean, it could be interpreted as I am, joining the others in the embrace of death and so on and so on, and I bet you had a whole different meaning in mind when you wrote this, once again, it all depends on experiences and sometimes the way it is written. My advice to you, just keep writing. Make a goal to write, say one poem a week, and it can only get better from there! I look forward to reading more by you.

Hi *waves* I'm catmuffin. You can call me cat, catmuff or muffy ^^

I'm not a pro at poetry and I'm not good at decoding a poem but this is quite good for a first attempt. Very rhythmic and flowing. Nothing slowing it down and no unnecessary stuff.

This probably has some deep meaning about life and death but like I said, I'm not a pro so wait for a professional to review for more stuff to work on. For now just remember to mind your tenses, your grammar and always write as if you are saying it to someone.

Now have a cookie ^^ :)