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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Well this is going to be a challenge. Attempting to snag a KOTGR badge by reviewing this literary work since it's before 2012, so we'll see how this goes.
This is a lot different than what I'm used to seeing from you, naturally.
The flow in these first couple of lines is pretty great. I love how they flow together and there's nothing that's particularly wrong with them. I'm not as fond of the rest of the stanza, though, and I want to comment on that. Specifically, on the atmosphere that you've created. I found it hard to imagine this all, which is something that I have trouble doing anyway, though this is particularly a problem with the tone of the poem or the atmosphere.
I keep rambling on about the atmosphere--and I mean that this is too visceral or angelic for me to find the roots here. The imagery combats reality in a way because of how flowery it is. This is something that I feel that over time, you've grown out of for the most part. I find this to be a positive notion, since I've always read your poetry with some aspects or themes rooted in reality.
This poem does more drifting, it's more with the head of the speaker in the clouds. Nonetheless, I found this to be effective enough at getting the needed theme to make this poem what it is across. There are some unneeded words in this poem, I have to say that much. The 'so' at the beginning of the third stanza is a great example of an unnecessary word that only clogs up the flow.
Heya Lumi from six years ago! You just got yourself a review. Hope it helped, buddy.
In general, should we be reviewing stuff from that long ago?
It's a KotGR badge, so I'm not doing this for no reason. I know some don't enjoy getting reviews on works that are old, but I assumed that the lovely Lumi wouldn't mind. I don't usually do this and I'm going back to the Green Room soon, becca! c:
Ah, cool. Thanks!
This is quite beautiful, and intriguing, although I found the meaning somewhat vague. I enjoyed it nonetheless, and will give you a quick review: First off, you should probably capitalize this. I found the lack of punctuation and capitalization very irritating, and it makes it even harder for me, as a reader the understand this. It puts me off, pushes me away. You want a poem to draw the reader in, and such a small thing such as formatting and correct grammar actually becomes a big thing. I also think you should divide this into some sort of clean form, put it into stanzas. When I first clicked this, the long chunks and lack of capitalization immediately put me off...but I won't go on.
So. As I said, some of the wording is quite beautiful, but at other times it's awkward, unnecessary or just plainly needs re-wording. I think you should also have more of a clear 'point' to this poem, it needs something as an actual base, since it feels a bit too abstract right now. I like it. I like the idea, but next time before posting, clean up punctuation, grammar, capitalization and form. And as I said, maybe add some strength to the base of the poem. Good luck!
Lumi, I wasn't sure I should review this at first, considering certain things.
But a review is what you're getting.
Yeah, I'm not going to do it.
Sorry Lumi, I appreciate what you've done here too much, glad you did this. Figured you should know.
Hope it helped you; we never get the weight of these ones off of us though.
(if desired I'll give a proper review, but now not here.)
Hey Lumi -
The last thing I am is a poetry expert, so take these comments with a grain of salt. I'm not really sure what you're going for here. Is it a heaven/afterlife kind of thing? I really wasn't feeling it in the first stanza, but I really liked the second stanza, which is what kept me going to finish. It's kind of a slow start to get to the really good stuff. I love "you find your first kiss between geysers of light, / and scale a waterfall backwards because time-- / time can't lord over you anymore." I like the "anchors in between" but going on from there to gravity seems kind of obvious (you've just told us you can go backwards over a waterfall) and then the love and hate feel sort of generic.
Finally, my other beef is the all lowercase thing. I know it's narrow-minded and silly, but it feels gimmicky to me unless you're ee cummings.
Overall, though, some really interesting stuff and a couple of really lovely images. Thanks for the read