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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
This was so adorable. I agree that the climax with the fox could've been more suspenseful, but all in all it was a great read.
-midnight.
Lumi, you're the best.
I have nitpicks, but this was cutesy, so I won't be so serious about them.
I don't like "seemed" here. It's too foreshadow-y.
I wanted to know why Gracie was nervous.
I love you.
My main disappointment was that there was no internal conflict for Gracie. She did the right thing the entire time, and as a result never grew. A staple of children's stories is that they involve learning from failure. Gracie never changed or failed, which made her feel very flat.
I also thought you could've made the part with the fox more suspenseful. It's the climax so it could've been drawn out more and made more interesting than the fox swiping at gracie a couple times then giving her a piggyback ride home.
Writing this makes you even more fantastic. You win, Lumi. We like you.
Cute and very imaginative. It like the whole fairytale concept - ie, "once upon a time". A few minor mistakes but very clever and unique. I liked it a lot!
Sparrows are my favorite birds so you get a thumbs up from me!
Where's *my* bedtime story? D:
...Kidding, I don't get one. Anyways though. Very cute. :3
Wait! I thought the fox was an adult! Why did he have to stop prematurely with Gracie? It doesn't quite make sense. Wouldn't he at least go to the edge of the forest? And why would the three friends go in the dark forest when Oscar the Owl is out? Isn't that kind of a bad idea? And wouldn't they get lost as well?
I like this! It is a very sweet and touching read. I do think Gracie could be a deeper character, but other than that I really enjoyed this. I loved the images of sparrows and ravens swooping through the air. Sparrows always remind me of light, airy birds, and I think Gracie was the perfect name.
Hey, Lumi!
I'm going to start by saying this was adorable. Truly. Azila and Persephoneia should be flattered.
I did, however, find some (minor) errors:
At first, this made me think of an old man. :/
I don't think I need to tell you about overusing words.
Awkward tense issues here. You need to decided if you are using "once", and then say "The little foxes would run off in fright, calling for their mothers" - or, cut the "once", and replace it with "A younger fox came through the hole. Rodney..."and so on.
I hope I'm making sense here.
Awkward phrasing. Reword?
This was a great little piece, Lumi. A delight to read. Little birds are just gorgeous
-Maddy
Hi there
I have to admit that part of me read this simply because it has my name in it, but I did really enjoy it.
I like your use of fairytale begins and structure. I think that begining with "ONce upon a time" Is still a very effective story tool. And the third person looking down at the story works as well.
The one thing I would do is flesh the charactr of Gracie out more. She seems rather one sided and simple.
Besides that, good work!
I love Graaaaciiiiiiie.