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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
GRAAAAARRRRRRR!!! Your first chapter is so much better than my first chapter!
I was going to nitpick, but somebody else already covered it.
Lately, I haven't been writing anything or even playing the game, but I've also been having random bursts of insanely good descriptions and urges to write. There's the slightly-overdue second Nuzlocke chapter or the way-overdue sixth Harvest Moon short story. You've inspired me to write me some Pokemans this weekend. (bad grammar and wrong spelling of Pokemon intentional)
There is one little tiny miniscule little thing I wanted to comment on though. When Miles is talking about his chiseled abs and muscular biceps, I wasn't one-hundred percent sure if he was just imagining it or if he actually has these things. You can understand my confusion, surely, because in my fan-fic, he definitely has these things, but Canon-ly speaking, it's fairly ambiguous. It could go either way.
Also, I'm not totally in love with May's dialogue, but I guess it's whatever floats your boat.
I'm excited. You're excited. We we we so excited.
Good luck. I hope Peter stays healthy. Keep writing. That is all.
MUDKIPZZZ!
Haha, this was really great. I love the Nuzlocke challenge, it makes you appreciate Pokemon you'd never use otherwise. Looks like pokerus is spreading on YWS. Check out emylove's Nuzlocke challenge, its pretty cool too.
So, about your storyline. I like it. Kid with overprotective mum gets a taste of freedom, and decides to become a trainer to impress cute girl next door. Miles seems like a bit of a wimp. He doesn't rebel against his parents, he's awkward in conversation, and he's self conscious all the time. I look forward to reading this series.
P.S. Catch a Zigzagoon. It's pickup ability will come in useful, and its actually quite a flexible Pokemon.
I'm not going to do nitpicks, but there were three things that popped out to me while I was reading:
Just a little spacing issue that bothered me a bit. There should be some sort of punctuation after the "but" (em-dash, maybe?) and the second O of the stutter-of doesn't need to be capitalized: "O-of." Nice imagery there with the cloudy day, though. Very poetic. :}
Sweat?
Tense slip-up. Also, while I'm at it that second sentence is a little odd since you have both "sneezing violently" and "yelping," and they both feel sort of tacked on. Maybe something more like "With violent sneezes and [adjective?] yelps, the poor thing ran off." Either that or you could get rid of either "sneezing violently" or "yelping" all together, though that would be a bit of a shame.
It's a little odd for me to review this because I know absolutely nothing about Pokemon, but hopefully I'll be able to be of some help anyhow. I'll just pretend like it's any other story, except ignore the fact that I had to Google a bunch of words. xD So. I liked this. You have a fun writing style that kept me reading but also let me know not to take the whole thing too seriously. I'm impressed with your character-developing skills, honestly--they're a bit caricature-ish (which is absolutely fine for this kind of piece) and they're quite entertaining. You did a fantastic job of portraying them, too. For example, I have a really good sense of what his mother looks like and what she would do in almost any situation, even though you didn't really describe her much. The Item Three made me gag/laugh. Your descriptions are good as well--I like the amount of time you spend describing smells. Good job.
The only big qualm I have about this is the part after he sees the girl, when he's down stairs watching Mrs. Birch watch TV... and then he's suddenly in the grass having some epic battle and throwing Pokemon around? O.o It might make sense if I actually had any familiarity with what your fanfic-ing, but (and I probably sound like a doofus saying this) I got completely lost there. I'd like some better description of the surroundings, maybe, so I could picture it better? And I'd like to see Miles's reaction be a little more defined. I can't really tell--is he surprised? Pleased? Scared? He says "here comes my life" but that feels stale to me. It feels like something you'd just say, not something that has anything to do with how you actually [i]feel[/].
Also, something I noticed is that Miles seems to have an obsession with numbers. I think it's kind of a cool character trait, actually, but it's a little hard for me to tell at this point if it's 100% intentional on your part. If you meant to do it: good job! It's neat. If you didn't mean to: just know that you are. ^_^
Okeydoke, I'm going to get outta here before I embarrass myself anymore. Good job, Lumpy. It's certainly a tribute to your skills that someone as Pokenoobish as me could read this and still enjoy it.
Beamishly,
a
P.S. Not to burst your bubble or anything, but the title of this is rather similar to the title of Miley Cyrus's autobiography. Disturbingly similar. D:
so i herd u liek mudkipz
/necessary meme