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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Lumi! Now, granted, I'm not familiar with the structure you're using, so keep that in mind!
I like the idea of a turn with the last two lines (yes, I was reading the review below), but I'm not sure I connect that turn to wildfires. You said you were going for callousness, which, ok, I do get, but it's a bit of a mental leap to get there. You paint this desolate picture of the aftermath, so I think it's more that I don't automatically connect the lighting of a cigarette against the backdrop you painted. I'm missing a transition in there. (ETA) Now, yes, I am getting more of it the more times I read through, but I think that's partially indicative of the form you're using, yes? I'll admit to some quick googling, but it didn't help much!
All that aside! While I like the image you are painting in the first three lines, I think you can do better than "eats" as a verb. Mostly because I read it as being the action of a forest, and... that doesn't entirely make sense. It's the fire that eats - unless you mean like, dead trees falling and literally "eating" dirt... ANYWAY. That's probably the main point I'd look at, cleaning up your language a bit for clarity, which of course is easier said than done when you're using structured forms.
And, now I've learned a new poetic form! Well, learned of, I'd probably not attempt one any time soon^^
Heya, Lumi! Casanova here for a review!
Anyway, the only thing that bugged me about this(in all honesty) was this line right here-
You're talking about the earth dying, skeletal trees, and burnt leaves. My question is- what does a victory smoke(with your dad, even) have to do with this? I could be getting this all wrong, but it seems like it has no connection with the poem at all.
The only other thing I can thing of is pruning. Too much imagery, and this seems to just be one big imagery pile. You have-
At least to me, this seemed over the top. Your squishing as much adjectives as possible into one small frame, and it's cramming down my throat. This could strictly just be my opinion, but there's my opinion.
Now, how do these two parts correlate to each other?
and
Now, this doesn't seem like too far a stretch, but the only two things I could see making,"victory," match with the above is that the,"dad," is some sort of logger or something, and winning a battle over the trees. If so, then my first point is wrong, but for some reason I don't see that.
Anyway, in conclusion, pruning. I could use more imagery in my work, you could use less in one place. At least, that's my take on it.
I hope this helped at least some, or you can throw this review in the trash!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!
Your friend, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thanks for the review. As this is a tanka, the first three lines are pure description and narration from nature, true to form. The final two lines add an element of the human condition to the poem to juxtapose a theme, which in this would be callousness.