It's a pretty restaurant. We had picked a back table in a nook, further away from the people, and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier. The waitress comes by with the check, asking if we want any dessert.
“No, but thank you,” he smiles. She smiles back at both of us and puts the check on the table before slipping away.
He turns to face me. He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine. Gorgeous guy. I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over. I’m clumsy and average looking. Normally, the former was an annoyance and the latter didn’t matter. But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him? Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen. Why did he agree to a date?
Maybe because he’s great, and he doesn't care that I'm younger and odd-looking.
He has a car as well as the legal right to drive it. I'm still learning the laws of the road. And he's almost a year older. My eyes pursue every decorative swirl on the wall paper, trying to determine if they’re all the same. A year older. He's probably kissed lots of girls. I've yet to be kissed by any other than my family. What is he thinking of me? He's staring at me. Does he think I'm a cheap ticket? Or does he not care about the age and beauty difference? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? I twist my ring around on my finger nervously and look back at him.
He leans forward carefully, like he's nervous, too. He looks like he's asking a question, like he's inviting me to lean forward with him. I do, but only a little, no more than he had. Don't make assumptions. He smiles and leans closer. He wants to kiss me, I think to myself. He wants to kiss me.
I hesitate a moment as a barrage of questions attack my mind. I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin. Would it be slobbery? Harry Potter said it was wet. Or dry-ish? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? I close my eyes, trying to stop questioning this moment so I can enjoy it. Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us. Was it true that you couldn't breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air? That would be horrible and very unromantic. I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps. I jump back and shove him away.
"What are you doing?" I demand. He only barks and starts licking my face again.
My eyes snapped open in disgust. Groaning at the all-to-familiar goop on my face, I shoved my dog off of me. Normally, I didn't have a problem with Sandy's wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when I hate them. Sandy fell off the bed with a thump. Not at all fazed by her fall, she just jumped back up to thoroughly bathe my face in dog slobber.
"Knock it off. See? Speaking. I'm up." And when Sandy continued to fill my ear with slime, "Go get food," I said, flinging my hand in the general direction of the door.
At the mention of food, Sandy was off, claws clapping on the hard wood floor as she raced to the kitchen. I threw my head back in my pillow, muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream.
~*~
A/N: Don't often go back and pull up old pieces, but have another school thing I'd like get credit for, and was planning on using this. As such, please send the nice crittiquers in your head on holiday for a few minutes and open up the doors to the vicious, n00b-flaming, kitten-eating evils that are your inner heart-bashing critiquers. No where on this planet do I crave pain as much as I do here, so roll it out!
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139,374 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Lol I liked it ! At the beginning I was expecting something totally different. I liked what you did with it though. It was funny and very unique. WHat was it a dog or something? Ha. Anyways, liked it keep up the good writing! x
Ack, pesky tenses. Try writing a story in anything other than past tense, and they'll give you a field day.
For the first part, I was writing it in present tense, but if you found any inconsistencies, please, let me know! The last part (when she wakes out of her dream) was meant to be in past (normal) tense, so I think that part might be fine. Again, though, let me know if anything's amiss.
Thanks for the review!
I love this. You have some creative writing but there were a few things that I picked out on as well as some other people.
Most of these few things, a majority of people would have already picked upon.
1. "and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier"
-this doesn't really makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe try to re-write it.
2."He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine"
-kinda the same as the last. It makes sense but see if you can try to re-write so it flows better, like putting in a full-stop where the comma is.
3. "I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over"
-Nice sentence but a few words needed to be read over. Instead of "I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table" [i]I bit my lip and hid my hands under the table.
But it demands on which stage your trying to write in (eg. past, present, future). If you aiming to write in the present then by all means, the sentence is fantastic!
4."Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen"
-this one wasn't at all bad but instead of a disaster ready to happen, try a disaster waiting to happen.
It doiesn't really matter but I guess it just flows more.
5. "I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin"
- Again, demands on which stage your aiming to write from. Great setence if you were writing in the present.
6. "Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us"
- Doesn't really flow as there is always going to be air between anyone. So maybe change tha air part and put in, our lips were almost touching, there was hardly an inch between us. (again with the stage writing thing. Demands what your writing in)
7. "I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps"
-again, demands on which stage your trying to write.
Well that was pretty much all. Alot of this things are just simple. Your story sounds great the way it is but these are just a few things that might make it flow a little more but other than that, you have done a fantastic job. Keep it up!
Hello!
Since you can't smile words out of your mouth, that's not a dialogue tag.You show her she's nerves with the twist; so don't tell us too! ^^
Hahahaahah Dreamer, you win a prize. That is HILARIOUS!
At first, I was a grumble monster. "This has no conflict! What is this doing! ahhhhh!!!!" But the twist... You have won me. I would say, however, beef up the conflict at the beginning so I keep reading! I loved the descriptions you gave in the the seventh paragraphs. ("I hesitate...") At least, before the whole dog slobbering thing.
I'm not a big fan of the present tense, but I'll let it slip this once.
My dear, you win points. This was lovely.
Ok. I loved this. It was funny and fresh and the resteruant scene kind of reminded me of Bella and Edward in Twilight. And i love those books so im not complaining. XD Well Done.
"Harry Potter said it was wet." I recommend taking this out to make your story even better. I really like it. Its cute yet funny. I think i like it so much becuase its one of those dreams everyone has at somepoint. where you see the really cute guy/girl and then something bizzare happens and totally ruins it for you.=] lol. anyway you did really good on this one id like to see more of this story.
i like it alot. very funny and it sounds like something that would happen to me. =] i would just recommend taking out the sentence about harry potter to make it even better.
You're awesome, Matt.
And the guy is just a made-up man. No basis in reality. he was originally supposed to be over the top and larger than life, too prefect to be true, but I've been trying to cut out the cheese in this draft and have the dream feel a bit more realistic. Don't know how I'm doing there, but thanks for the thumbs up.
As of Matt's post, this is fixed. I anyone finds it in need of improvement, please shred it down to ribbons.
Monstrar and Easy -- thanks, guys.
The way you had the dream end had me rolling
it was hilarious.
But I wanna know who the guy was :]
That was extremely cute. I liked it, and look forward to reading more from you. I don't have any critque, no more than what everyone else has already said, so good luck and happy writing! =]
Hey! I've just checked my Will Review For Food thread for the first time this year. It's probably a bit late for you to use this review for any good, but hopefully I'll be able to pick a few things up anyway.
Gah. Watch your dialogue tags here. Remember that "said" is always the best choice. People kind of skim over it when they read it, whereas others can jar quite a bit. Try checking the whole piece for your dialogue tags. Skimming over it, you don't seem to have much, but just watch it in writing in general.
This sentence is awkward. Try re-wording it.
Laps? The word seems a bit odd in this context. This is pretty good. It managed to get a laugh out of me, anyway.
Your eyes are disgusted?
These? This is present tense, as far as I can tell, while the rest of the section is in past tense.
You don't need the adverb. "Bathe" implies "thoroughly."
Well, that's it for my nit-picks. This was an entertaining short piece. I thought it was quite amusing. How old is it, anyway? I hope your school appreciates it, and that this gave you sufficient pain.
-Mat
I really enjoyed this except for one part:
That sort of terrified me, considering I didn't know it was a dream at the moment. I'd suggest you do more easing into the lick of Sandy. That's all, otherwise it was terrific!
The ending actually surprised me in a funny way, so nice work!
To make it even more believable and really get the reader invested in thinking that the kiss is going to happen, you should try to anchor us into the scene a little more. Little details and hints...maybe build up a little more tension, by suggesting that the date went by so fast, it was a blur (as dreams tend to be) and use some more of her thoughts and description as she is trying to figure out what is going on. Is she excited? Is her heart beating wildly? Is she freaking out because she suddenly realizes she doesn't even know his name?
If you make it even more realistic than we (as the readers) will be even more heartbroken and disappointed when it turns out to be her dog--that will be the beginnings of a great story!
Edited and Updated as of Bunny's post. Thanks, guys, for looking at it.
Anything else?
Im only new, so please lol be kind i only want to help hehe.
[/quote]I really like this bit, found it well writen and funny. Cracked up alil bit myself really
Only real thing I had a issue with was this bit,
I don't really get it, what is she thinking about what is she doing as such. I just dont think it makes sense. Change it, fix it something lol.
Besides that its good, better than other i have read
BTW hehe.
Love it, Tolkien fan myself. Placed well
I'm sorry for the lateness of this critique.
But I am here am I not?
I have nothing against the waitress, my brain functions in such way that these things never bother me too much.
Now to the actual critiquing:
Grammar
for your luck, there isn't too many mistakes here, nothing that would disturb a reading experience at least.
Just this: .
Oh yeah and ... Tenses, you start with past simple and the move on to present (which is a hard tense to write in) and then back to past. I would give you this advise: Write your pieces in one tense, preferably past tense.
*takes a notepad and slaps you on the head with it*
now
word choices
I want to quote this part:
Talking and people? why not talking people or something similar, *slaps you with the notepad again*
First off: Handsome and beautiful are different things, a person cannot be handsome and beautiful, it would look absurd. Just thing about a man who is both beautiful and handsome *shivers*
And why not rephrase the quoted sentence into something like this:
"He's handsome and has a smile you could see on a magazine model. A handsome boy."
He had agreed to the date earlier, they were already on the date.
So: "Why had agreed to go on a date?"
*gets a hammer and slams you on the head.*
I read this line a few times and then decided to check it with my microsoft word because I wasn't sure if there was a mistake... Guess what it seemed that there was.
"What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as he could and I jerk away gasping for air?"
This line is a good example why stories "should" be written in past tense... read it a few times, it just doesn't sound right. Somehow it just doesn't.
*Whacks himself with the notepad*
Adjective using
Nothing to say here. Although... no wait for the description part of the review.
Characters
You told us in an indirect way... no, you SHOWED us (which is excellent, not everyone knows how to do this,) that the MC is... I can't find the word... I'll just use the word nerdy because I can't think of anything better at the time.
*Gives you a cake for the good job*
but you didn't describe the characters outlooks too much... just with the words "odd-looking" which is not nearly enough.
*takes cake away*
Description
Whops I think I said this already in "Characters." *Hides his head in shame*
Dialogue
...
...
...
Here have a cake.¨
that's about it.. Take it or leave it. Good work by the way.
Oh and you can keep the cake.
**********************************************************************************
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE
Ah... yes. The waitress. She irked people last time, too. I'd get rid of her, but that means there's that much less of a description (the check, after dinner, end of date, etc) and there's not a lot to begin with. If you guys wouldn't mind that, then I'd be more than happy to get rid of her altogether.
And tenses! Pesky things, jump me every time. Thanks, guys, for pointing that out. I shall get back to work on hunting the things down and (hopefully) fix them all this time.
I enjoyed the reference to Tolkien at the end, but I can't remember anywhere in Harry Potter where he talked about that kind of thing, so that book reference didn't work for me. One thing I'd like to see more of, like others have said, is a discription of the restraurant. I automatically got the idea a nicer type of burger joint, which obviously does not fit with what you're writing about. For some reason the waitress irks me to, but why I can't quite put a finger on... sorry. I actually like the fact that we don't know alot about her life, and about her situation. It makes it feel to me like she could be anyone. You show you MC's emotions very very well, and I liked this a lot! I hope my review helped.
One shred, comin' right up.
I personally find this sentence long and a little hard to read. Break it up.
Is this the name of the magazine or what she's thinking about him?
These sentences don't fit well together. The first one isn't complete (we have no idea that this date isn't "normal" for her) and the second one doesn't have an anteseedent. Complete them!
"Odd-looking" isn't something I'd use to describe myself. Plain, maybe, or a description of what I don't particularily like about myself, but not "odd." If she were talking about her personality, fine, but not looks.
Huh? Cheep date I get, cheep ticket I don't.
She's not a telepath, is she? Delete "to myself" unless she is.
Slobbery is not a word I'd use to describe a human kiss. Wet, on the other hand...
Do we really need this?
"Jerk" is a present tense verb when everything else is past/past perfect.
Nice, but not at the same time. Nice: The emotion of loosing that dream. Not: Tolkien. We haven't exactly gotten enough to say she's a bookworm for this to fit.
Overall: It was okay. I like the concept, and since it's a dream you understand how a guy that's so hot would ask a normal looking girl out, but I didn't like the book references. It feels like you're playing on the steryotype that plain-looking girls who haven't been kissed by sixteen/seventeen are bookworms/geeks. By using that steryotype in perticular you might push away readers who fall into that category (sixteen/seventeen never been kissed).
The emotions and questions however are very, very real. I can see that happening and hear those questions going on.
Hope I helped!
~Rosey
Hey Dreamer!
This was really cute. I like how your MC was having a dream and then her dog ruined everything. But one thing that concerns me is, that these type of stories are done a lot and the only way you can distinguish this from many other stories like this, is dialog and description.
The two Ds are the strengths of any story along with it being structured well with a good hook, middle, and end, and along with it being well-written you have a good, original story. This was written well. I like the lightness of it and how she sounded just like any regular teenage girl, but that can also be a problem. You don't want her to be like every other teenage girl in stories, you want to make her different. And I see you tried to do that by making her book savvy, especially fantasy fiction savvy. As Squall said or quite like it, you can present that she likes books more, make it more prominent.
A way you can do this is 1. Utilize the fact that she's in a dream and 2. Use dialog.
Have her date relate to her when she talks about books. In a dream, everything goes just the way you want it to, so show that. And dialog is good in all short stories. Otherwise, this guy will seem like some paper doll instead of an actual character. He may not be as important as the MC but he's there.
There was only one thing that ultimately threw me off.
From writing many stories where the guys were unbelievably handsome, I know from many other critiques that people did for me that just saying the words handsome and beautiful are not going to make him beautiful. Every last detail from what she hears, smells, sees, is just as important as what she's thinking.
So remember the two Ds and I have no doubt that this won't get better.
Thanks for the read and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.
~Angel
Aww! I though it was a sweet short piece! I could only be mean with 2 tiny details though...sorry!
Cute, it's funny. Sounds like something I'd dream of if I had a dog.
I think that between "glass" and "spilt", there should be an "and" instead of a comma.
It was entertaining, I enjoyed reading it. 8/10.
Cheers,
Lily.
Hi, Not Me! I don't think I've even reviewed very much by you? Well, it's about time!
Oh, gosh. I loved this. I think that's exactly how I would behave on a first date! The narrator's paranoia about not being able to breathe during a kiss, and the other things she keeps asking from herself, were really enjoyable to read. This made me feel very joyful, which means I'm having this stupid grin on. And the ending was great, too. Overall, this was a feel-good piece. Thanks for the read, Not Me!
And you know what to do when you want a review from me again! ('Cause I know you do!)
Not You
xxx
Hello Dreamer.
Hrmm. What do you mean the candle was brighter than the chandelier? Don't all candle light produce the same amount of brightness?
This is kind of a run on sentence. I think you can break it up a bit here.
Overall impressions:
So yeah, I have seen this piece before, and I can see that it's more tightly structured now which is good. Consider my following suggestions:
1)Why the use of allusions?
I notice that you made about 2 literacy references in this piece, and one on a magazine. I'm thinking that your narrator reads quite a lot of books (a bookworm), but I didn't really get that full impression of her. I'm thinking that you could show more of her home in the real world or make her love for books more evident. Up to you really as to how you aim to achieve this. I just feel that the literacy references right now seem detached with the narrative.
2)Sensory imagery
I think you should use more sensory imagery in the dream sequence (particularly the sense of smell). Restaurants normally give off his smell that kind of draws you in and appeals to your appetite even more. This draws in closely with the idea of "desire". As humans, we eat not only to survive, but also to enjoy the tastes and favours. Similarly, physical attraction plays a vital factor in one's desires for a relationship/sex. Your piece right now only considers the relationship between men and women and how it links to a dog's desire of wanting to lick the owner's face, but not the restaurant itself. Your setting of a restaurant actually holds quite a lot of meaning and contributing factor to the overall theme of the piece. It would add more depth to your piece if you can draw out the wider ramifications of restaurants and how it links to the overall theme of "desire" in your piece.
But yea, overall, it's pretty good and I kind of like it. Good work and I wish you luck as you improve this piece even more.
Andy.
Hahahahahaha, that was good.
Funny plot. Short and sweet.
I liked the Harry Potter part.
HaHa. Funny
This sentence did not make sense to me in the spot it was. What is she talking about? The fact that she is clumsy and normal looking?
I think changing this to the would help the sentence sound better. It sounds a little odd.
You had a couple of odd sentences in there, but that's all I could see. I liked the fact that I couldn't tell it was a dream until she woke up. Good job on that.