First Kiss

ohhh that made me laugh.

I don't think I have any crit really, but I wanted to let you know how much I liked it.

I’m baaaack! As promised, a second critique on the revised version follows. I see that this is still really short, so I’m a bit afraid to edit, but I’ll give it a shot. I shall also lecture you about italics at the end. ;P

Same format as always: the numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the ‘highlighted comments’ below. Also, see ‘underlined comments’ for more on the areas I underlined. (Normally I would italicize those parts, but you already did that for the dream. ;P)

You asked for one of my brutal critiques, so be prepared!




Highlighted Comments

1. Should not be italicized. Thoughts normally are, but since the rest of your piece is, you need to make this normal font to show the difference.
2. When you say this, you force yourself to say ‘me’ in the thought. To avoid this, try ‘She wonders what he thins of her.’
3. One word? Hyphen? Hm…
4. Again, I have completely forgotten the waitress at this point. Tell us before you rant. ;P
5. Getting a bit annoying here. I know that they’re leaning closer. Maybe say ‘His breath is shallow, and he’s thinking of nothing but her.’
6. Again with the ‘leans.’
7. I feel like this should read as ‘Knock it off, Sandy. See? I’m speaking. I’m up.’ *Shrug*
8. Weak sentence.
9. Weak.

Plot Suggestion

I don’t believe you can get everything you want out to the reader in the order this is in now. You continue to interrupt my reading. With questions, history, everything. I just want a kiss scene – the rest should be shown earlier on.

What you need is more opportunities to show this. I’ve come up with something that may help you:

- The girl is sitting at the table, all alone. To give her some action, maybe have the waitress come over and ask for a drink order. The girl can order (and show that she’s watched him so often she knows his drink order?) We can get to know her a bit here. Through action – not telling. Maybe she pops a mint in her mouth so she’ll have fresh breath, run her hands through her hair to straighten it? Does she run through all the possible scenarios in her head, trying to prepare for each one?
- The boy can come out. (Maybe he was in the bathroom?) We can get our first view of him here. Since she’s so in love with him, describing his features is perfectly okay. You can also make us to fall head over heels for him. ;P
- He can sit down, and they can have a bit of conversation. Again, this shows us their characters. How do they interact? Show us that she’s never been kissed by how nervous she is. Show us that he’s experienced by letting him be at ease, most likely flirting a bit.
- I did like the part with the waiter you wrote, so here’s where it fits in. ;P She can come up with the drinks, place them down, and ask if they’d like anything else. He can then use the quote you have. ;P
- Romance time! But there are some questions left here. Are they across from each other? If so, isn’t it uncomfortable to reach across? What’s the anticipation feel like?
- The lick. This needs to be expanded a lot. Maybe he turns, and she becomes confused, thinking he’s just going to peck her check? Let us feel her disappointment when he turns. Let us feel her shock at the first touch of tongue against cheek. Let us feel her disgust when she understands what’s happening. Does she go to push him off, or does she wake up first?
- Ending the dream: I actually didn’t like how you did this. Having an entire dream in italics gets annoying quickly. Instead, I would make the licking more final. Maybe she pushes him off, but he attacks again? After that, I would put a page break. (A few hyphens or stars, just to give us a heads up.) I would have her open her eyes, and see Sandy. That way, the dream isn’t italicized, we can think it’s really happening, have a greater shock when he licks her, and laugh harder when we see Sandy.
- She opens her eyes and sees Sandy, slobbering all over her. Expand here. What’s it feel like? Is she mad that it was just a dream?

Of course, feel free to ignore any of that. I just hated that I was being interrupted during the kiss. This way (or in a similar way,) we can learn all the information you want us to know, without being lectured at. Showing not telling – you’re new best friends. ;P

Underlined Comments

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve underlined several parts in here. That’s just because I felt rants coming on, so I figured I’d lecture you here instead. ;P

Underlined Part One: Descriptions

I’ve noticed many people have noticed this, but none seem to explain this too well. If you already know how to fix it…read it again. ;P It’ll still help. If you don’t know how yet, then it’s good that I’m doing this!

I have to ask: what’s the point of the descriptions? Do I care if he can drive, or if she’s smart? In all honesty, no. I don’t know these characters – I can’t see them. Character development is vital here. You need to develop them, and slip in the needed information. I really don’t give a care if she’s learning how to drive, but I do care that she’s never been kissed. But don’t just tell us – show us through her anxiety.

Underlined Parts Two and Three: What Will It Be Like?

You seem to love asking questions. This can be good, but, like all good things, there is a limit. You’ve surpassed it – by a lot.

Again, I’ll refer to the idea I suggested above. While she’s waiting for him, she can be obsessing over this. She can eat a mint – wonder if he’ll notice a piece of lettuce in her teeth. Tidy her hair – wonder if he’ll run his hands through it, notice the snarls remaining. Remember the thousands of books she’s read on kissed. Plan out possible scenarios. Lot’s of things to keep her mind occupied while she waits, and lot’s of things to build up the tension for us readers, without constantly being interrupted. Then, when he comes back, he can lean over and almost kiss her, without leaving us waiting quite so long. Hearing ‘he leaned over. Would it be soft? He gets closer…’ is annoying. I just want to find out what happens!

Underlined Part Four: …Licking?

I’ll admit it – the first time I critiqued this, I was so obsessed about the tense of the dream that I didn’t pay too much attention to this. But now I’m back, and with vengeance! ;P

Honestly, this was a very weak point. It’s such a sudden change that it can cause your readers to say ‘ew!’ and walk away. Obviously that’s not good. (If you didn’t already know that having your readers say ‘ew!’ about your work wasn’t a good thing, then we’ve got other things to discuss. ;P)

The way to get rid of this ‘ew!’ is to write it like a normal scene. Meaning: details! Don’t just tell us that he started licking her; show it to us! He’s so close, yet his lips don’t meet hers – let us feel her disappointment. His tongue will touch her cheek – let us feel her shock. He licks – let us feel her disgust. Notice how neither of them seem to move during this whole part? (Except for his tongue…) People don’t do that. We’re always moving, even if just a little. Do her eyes widen in shock? Does she pull back? Does he put his hands on her shoulders? (We can later find the dog’s paws on her shoulders – that would be awesome.)

Overall Comments

Tenses

The dream is much better now that it’s in present tense, but the sudden change to past (when she woke up) really bothered me. I want to feel like I’m there – let me wake up with her, push Sandy off with her. I just went through her dream with her, why is she now pushing me away?

I think you should stick with present tense. I just seems like that kind of story. Maybe all past tense would work as well? I’m not entirely sure – it’s your call. I would stay consistent, though.

He/She

This is something I do often: the lack of names. If she doesn’t actually know the guy, if he’s just her dream man, then he doesn’t need a name. However, you do name Sam, so reading ‘her’ all the time gets old.

Setting

This is supposed to be her dream, so you may not like my idea. (Especially with your sentence about the candles.)

The whole time I was reading this, I wished it took place at a diner. It sort of has that feel to it. Besides, not many teens can eat at some fancy restaurant.

This way, you can use others around her at the same time. In restaurants, everything is rather secretive. In diners, you can see everything. She can watch a couple in the corner kiss, trying to pick up points. She can hear a girl’s annoying, high-pitched voice and wish that she didn’t have to have her first kiss to that sound. Then, when he comes out (if you use my plot suggestion,) everything can just disappear. You know that feeling? Where the only thing you can focus on is him? Show us that – it would be wonderful.

Italics

I’m not sure about everyone else, but I despised the italics. It gave so much away. If you put ----- or *** after the ‘…starts licking her face again,’ it could solve this problem. (Make sure the symbols are on their own line, like in books.) Then, you’ll have to reintroduce us. Simply show us what she’s seeing after she opens her eyes, and continue from there. That way you won’t have to italicize the dream, and it will leave us with much more emotions. (I already ranted about this, so I’ll shut up now. ;P)

Final Comments

I do like the idea of this story. It’s sweet, funny, and realistic. It’s just lacking in details, and has a few too many info-dumps. I really think this could be improved if you considered the plot suggestions I mentioned – it gives you much more opportunities to show us everything.

Oh, and you may want to consider writing this in first person. It seems more natural to me, but if you can fix up the other aspects, it may not be needed. *Shrug*

Sorry about the length of this – I think it was three times as long as your piece. O.o I just think it has a lot of potential, and I’m trying to help you make it the best it can possibly be. ;P I tend to rant when I think a piece it good, so a long critique from me can be a compliment.

As always, PM me if you have any questions, are bored, or if you want another critique!

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

My first crit, sorry if it lacks volume and general helpfulness.

I really enjoyed your piece although I was a bit nervous at first that I was reading into a cheap paperback. However, if your aim was to be cheesy and capture a typical teenagers ideal first kiss I think you hit the nail on the head.

Sadly I can’t help all that much on the grammatical side of things, I depend my on my computer for that and it seems as if everybody else has already pointed out the things I noticed.

Just wanted to let you know it’s a good piece, something I’d recommend to a friend in need a laugh. Keep it up, this seems to be the first piece I’ve read that hasn’t disappointed me when I’ve discovered it’s a dream.

=)

I really liked this. I liked how you put a girl's first kiss in depth description. I also liked how you described how nervous one can be when they're about to get their first kiss. For the kiss scene, try to add more depth detsils into the kissing part, too. Good work, Dreamer.

-Rick.

Hey, that was hilarious I had no idea it was a dream until he started licking her face. Very cute!

Well, I noticed only one thing for nit-picks:

“No, but thank you.” he says.

They lean closer, their lips a hair’s breadth away from each other.

Hi Dreamer,

I really enjoyed reading this. The dream is kind of cheesy, but I suspect you were attempting that and the ending was fun. I do have a slight problem with the ending though. I think you could make it a lot more sudden and end the cheesy part more abrupt. This way it kind of flows on without a change in pace although the atmosphere changes quite a bit.

Maybe you should try making you sentences shorter or something similar.

"He starts licking her face. Great, long, slobbery laps.

For example putting a period after face may help. But maybe that's just me.

Another thing I noticed was the tenses. You switch between present and past tense. Here for example:

He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, flawless.

Just chose one tense and stick with it

Other than those two things I liked it

Happy writing!

~Kalli

Hi Selene!

Okay, to begin, I like this, it’s cute. ^^ Nice work on that. I’m not a huge fan of the dream thing but you use it well here, so I commend you there. ^^

Your second paragraph is full of juxtaposition, which is a lovely technique, but it’s too much too quickly. Why is she the smart one and not the pretty one, getting your plates is important, but perhaps you could mention how he even drove her there, how her parents stared when she whipped out the driveway in his car, how she wishes that she had her plates already, so she could stand up and be just as mature. Because that’s what she’s worrying about, ne? How immature she is, just one year younger than him, and how is experience makes her nervous for her own lack. Some little, almost inconsequential details would be grand here. Perhaps she tugs at the hem of her skirt, or flicks her nails – painted for the occasion – against the silverware, or she can’t help sipping from her water the whole time. Give her some habits, nervous ticks to play with and show the nervousness, even while you tell it. Perhaps you can connect the dream to the idea of sleep, a little mention of the closer she gets, how warmth fills her body like the dawn on her skin. Just to hint to us what will happen next.

A lot of the above is my own preference, I like details and little things. But I do think they’ll add to the narrative, and the characters.

I also think you lose some flow with how often you use the names in the final paragraphs. There’s just something… thick, stale, about the events that scream for some warmth. Perhaps take out some of the “she’s” or “he’s” and have solid events instead? Such as; “She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed.” Changing to “There was a thump as Sandy fell off the bed.”?

I hope this has helped somewhat. ^^ I do like it, I just think it needs a little work. Luck!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hey Dreamer.

He turns to face Sam, the girl sitting across from him. At sixteen, he seems so much more mature to her. He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, flawless. She’s considered the smart one, not the pretty one. He has a car as well as the right to drive it. She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older. He’s kissed lots of girls, in all probability. She had never been kissed by any other than her family. What was he thinking of her, she wonders. Is she a cheap ticket, or does he not care about how he out shines her? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? She shifts nervously under his soft stare. With a knowing smile on her face, the waitress turns her back and slips silently away, not interrupting them further.

She hesitates for a moment, but leans closer until she could feel his breath. Would it be slobbery? Dry? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? They lean closer, their lips a hair’s breadth away from each other. She closes her eyes. Would it be like instant hunger, a need for more? Would they be able to stop themselves if it was? How powerful would the need for more be? Was it true that you couldn’t breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? His hand slowly touches her cheek, beginning to close the distance between them.

NOTE: After Vernon's critique, I thoroughly attacked this piece. No nit-piking would be repeats of what others said, and if it is a repeat, I probably need to be told again if I haven't changed or taken care of it. What Vernon and those above critiqued was what JFW has quoted in her post. Big (to me, any way) change in how it was written, so many of the crits above OE don't apply anymore.

That said, you guys rock for helping me work with this piece. Any other comments?

Dreamer

Great! Everything else has already been pointed out. I can't find anything else wrong with it...

Dreamer wrote:“No, but thank you.” he says.

Sam pushed her dog off of her with a groan. To be honest, she really didn’t have a problem with Sandy’s wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when she despised them. She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed. Not at all phased by her fall, Sandy jumped back up to thoroughly bathe Sam’s face in dog slobber.
“Knock it off. See? Speaking. I’m up.” Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," Sam said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door.

Sam pushed her dog off of her with a groan. To be honest, she really didn’t have a problem with Sandy’s wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when she despised them. She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed. Not at all phased by her fall, Sandy jumped back up to thoroughly bathe Sam’s face in dog slobber.

“Knock it off. See? Speaking. I’m up.” Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," Sam said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door.

This was very good! You set up the mood very well. It's feels very romantic up until the "kiss" and then I laughed. I had a dream similar to that once, though luckily there wasn't a dog involved. XD Nice piece! You grab the reader and don't let go! Some good writing I should say.

~Yoyo

Well, let me say that I think this could be the beginning of a good romance. (If it ends up that way)

Now, I'm not the romance type,but I'll use the little knowledge I have.

I think that the dream thing shows that she is heavy in love with some dude. You just don't go dreaming about your neighbour, so this kind of reminds me of
one of those short romances that my sisters read.

The part where he was licking her in the dream kinda freaked me out. Seriously!! That was so not called for!

Uhm...yeah. There are a few spelling or punctuation errors, but it isn't serious.

I see talent in my crystal ball
good job

alright, I didn't feel like reading the other crits, so sorry if I repeat something someone already said.

"She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older."
***
these ideas aren't related in the least. They kind of throw of the reading and it kind of confused me a bit. The whole paragraph is a little like that. Thought are just kind of thrown in there, almost relating to the sentence before it, but not quite really reaching the point. You need to be a bit more focused on it.

The dream sequence is all pretty weird. It's a bit confusing, at least for me, how you switch between what she is wondering, and then tell us what he his thinking. You need to focus a bit more, make it more centered. Right now, it's confusing as to who the reader is supposed to be concentrating on at the particular point.

I thinks it's an okay beginning to a story. I don't suggest using this as a prologue, if that's what you were planning. Instead, I think you should expand it and make it into your first chapter. But, if you wanted a prologue, then to do something to get the readers attention. Also, do something with the beginning paragraphs. Like I mentioned, it's all seems a little disconnected. The flow could be greatly improved if you fixed this. As you read on, it does get a little better, but it's not a large enough piece to really get a full idea of what the story is about.

--meow

Oh goodness!

I did not expect that ending - took me totally by surprise. Like Aliam, I was like, "Oh gosh! He's licking her!" But it was just her dog. Haha. Clever.

I didn't notice anything wrong with it. The whole thing was rather fun to read.

-Jared

I loved the humor. Usually I don't like dream sequences at the beginning of a but I really enjoyed this.
I hope you intend on continuing this. I can't wait to see who this amazingly cute guy is.
Keep writing!

~Rachael

Hello! Here upon request and desire!

“No, but thank you. [comma instead]” he says.

His eyebrows, his cheeks, [dash instead] everything was perfect, [s]unflawed[/s] flawless.

He turns to face Sam, the girl sitting across from him. At sixteen, he seems so much more mature to her. He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, unflawed. She’s considered the smart one, not the pretty one. He has a car as well as the right to drive it. She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older. He’s kissed lots of girls, in all probability. She had never been kissed by any other than her family. What was he thinking of her, she wonders. Is she a cheap ticket, or does he not care about how he out shines her? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? She shifts nervously under his soft stare. With a knowing smile on her face, the waitress turns her back and slips silently away, not interrupting them further.

She hesitates for a moment, [no comma] but leans closer until she could feel his breath.

He starts licking her face, [dash instead] great, long, slobbery laps.

He doesn’t respond, [no comma] but starts licking her face again.

At the mention of ‘food,’ [no quotes] Sandy was off, claws clapping down on the [s]hard wood[/s] hardwood floor as she raced to the kitchen. Sam threw her head in her pillow, cursing it [the pillow?] for the interruption of her dream.

WRITE A REVIEW. FAVOR FOR ARRIS!

Since most of the nitpicking was taken care of I shall not repeat any of it. I found this very funny, I was worried when I started reading the first bit. All I could think was, oh great nerdy girl gets the guy blah blah blah, but the turn around at the end was great. I loved the humor, and Sandy is a great addition.

Keep it up!

OverEasy

This was pretty good, but you're consistent use of personal pronoun makes this peice too slow paced. My advice is to practice and read dream sequences. It seems that's your main problem. It was very funny. just you use she and he too much. Overall: It made me smile but if you got rid of the so many he's and she's. You've had a superb peice. Sorry this is so short.

Good luck
VSN

Okay, changed it up and fixed most of the things mentioned. Any better?

So, I was directed here from your blog, and I have to say you did a great job! I remember my first kiss, and the nervousness and the rush of thoughts.

This has to be quick because I have class in a little bit, but I thought it was a creative "cheat" and worked well.

On a side note, my name's Sam and I used to have a dog named Sandy. Go figure.

Cute! I LOVED it. I have to admit I did think "What the F?" when he started to lick the girls face. Lol. I liked how it was a dream. You're a very descriptive writer. Someting I've always tried to be but have failed miserably at. .

One thing though, you started out with "It would be," and then you switched tenses and said "She hesitated for a moment." That sort of stuff bugs me, when people switch tenses.

Good though. .

Hey Dreamer I did it I read it and it was great. I really enjoyed the beginning making both look shy and the description in the story was amazing. Couldn't be better. I just was confused why some of it was in italics and the other part was not.
Well if you need anything feel free to PM me anytime ok.
Have a good day ^_^

SimonCowellLuver/SCL

Hello! Your piece is short and I'm procrastinating, so here you go! The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the numbered comments below.




Highlighted Comments
1. I personally hate that you begin with ‘it.’ I suggest that you talk about how all girls dream of their first kiss, and how she had many fantasizes of hers, and then begin. (Or something less corny. ;P)
2. I’d delete this.
3. It means the same thing (and sounds like magic…) Also, this sounds rude, when he was polite in the last sentence.
4. I’d put how she was acting here. Shaking, blushing, etc. Then start a new paragraph and start with ‘she would be fifteen…’
5. Too many. Cut back a bit.
6. Odd. You’re talking about hair, but it doesn’t make sense. I’d delete this.
7. Odd. Maybe ‘watched?’
8. I’d move the order of this. I’d say ‘…he would dismiss the waitress. [Then this sentence.] He turned to face her, his eyes warm (or some other description.)’ Make sense? So that you tell us what the waiter did before we forget about her.
9. Suggestion: ‘Brown and intense, they seemed to bore right into her, guarded slightly by the thick pile of jet-black hair that hung above them.’ Just to stop the ‘They would…’ sentences.
10. This could be shown better.
11. I began altering this, but I gave up. See the overall comments for comments on your tenses. Also, she’s in the diner – I doubt she’ll go much further while there. Maybe say ‘will he bring her to his place?’ Something like that.
12. I would expand a bit more. At first I thought this was when she woke up, because I was ignoring the italics.
13. This sounds a bit odd. Maybe ‘Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime.’

Overall Comments

I think I could really love this, but as it is, I really don’t. This idea is great, the characters believable (except the guy, but he’s supposed to be too good to be true.) The disappointment she feels when she is woken could be expanded more. Same with the licking – show us what it looks like. At first I thought it was the dog, but if I have a visual to go along with the telling, it will be wonderful.

Now, the thing that turned me off from this piece: the tense. This is a dream, and the regular part is present tense. You’re not describing what would happen; you’re describing what IS happening in the dream. I would just write in first person, ditching all of the ‘would.’ It would make the piece MUCH stronger, and I think I would really enjoy it.

Only other thing is detail. I already pointed out some parts that really needed it, and then add it wherever else you want.

*Thumbs up* Great piece, bad tense choice.

PM me for anything! (Questions, boredom, more critiques wanted, etc.)

Oh: watch your spacing. It's not consistent here.

~JFW1415

Haha! That was amazingly captivating! I didn't even blink to quit reading until it was a dream! Good work, and keep writing.

I sort of got eh impression at the beginingthat the boy was the MC. I didn't see any grammer errors that havent already been mentioned. I did like the atmoshpere you set in the beginning

KJ -- thanks for the comments. I agree with the 'would be' being annoying, I just didn't know how else to show that this was what she was planning the future to be like.

TGL -- lol, yar, I was trying to go for cheesy in the dream part. Perhaps I should exaggerate it a bit to make it more obvious? Or should I cut the effort and just write it normally, without the cheese?

Chiko -- Thanks, I shall work on making Sandy a dog, not a man. *salutes* Thanks for the crit.

Hey, Dreamer-chan! Pretty nice work here. ^_^

Now, onto the crit! Not that there's much I can say.

She would be the smart one, the lengthy one with curls, the young one who still checked what she said in the presence of those around her. The never-been-kissed one.

Lol, very funny. Is this just a oneshot thing, or are you continuing? I think it's fine as it is, imho.

The only things I had trouble with was,

The waitress would come in and ask if they would like dessert. He would reply,
“No, but thank you.”

And with a flick of his wrist and a wave of his hand, he would dismiss the waitress, turning to face her, the girl sitting across from him.

They would be brown and intense, with a thick pile of jet-black hair hanging above them.

They would be inviting to her, and she would lean forward enough to match him.

And when Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime, “Go get food.” She said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door.

Hey. I don't have much time, but I wanted to comment.

This was okay. Not bad, but not astounding either. It was an interesting beginning. Mind you, there was nothing eye-catching about it - many stories begin in a dream sequence - but you've made it work decently. I didn't like how it was all "he would" and "she would". Just make it BE.

I didn't notice any errors. You were missing a space at the very end in there. And perhaps you should add more? It might give us more to comment on, and give us more of an idea on who your MC is, and what her life is like.

Pretty well-written. Keep writing.