The first part of a story I'm starting! My others 'Schizophrenia' and 'Dear Juliet' are going under private construction. 
So, I am proud to present, Missing Autumn. Enjoy!
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She died April 12, 2009. They told me this April 13 while I lay on the hospital bed, monitors beeping, my breathing even, but shallow. The dim light that crawled in through the window threw ghastly shadows across the floor. When they told me I ripped the IV out my arm and pounded on the wall screaming "No, why her? It should have been me! Why couldn't it have been me?"
I ran out the hospital before they could stop me. I remember racing down the pavement, still in my hospital gown, in the rain. Guys that I passed grabbed at me and called me names like 'Sexy' and 'Sweetie'. I made it home successfully and immediately ran to the bedroom. I had thrown myself on the bed, crying into the pillow that she loved so much. It was black with red trimming, she sewed our initials together in the middle of it. S.M, Slay Mansion, that was me, A.H, that was her. I pulled myself into fetal position, mumbling " Oh, God, why her? Take me. Take me instead! Why did you have to take her? Why?"
After many failed suicide attempts, and the regain of my sanity I went out, to the stores, and bought everything that reminded me of her. She loved barbie dolls. She found great joy in role playing with them. I bought her every barbie car, house, doll, all the clothes, and everything I could find for her. On the days she would hop out of bed, get down on her knees, and start playing, I would just watch her, grinning like I had just won the lottery.
I put all her clothes on our bed. Her band tees, her skinny jeans, shoes, costumes, jewelry, everything I could find. I laid them on the bed, neatly folded, and slept on the sofa. I cleaned our room for her too, because, before, she would always clean.
"Let me help" I would beg her, but she would never let me.
"Cleaning is my hobby, Slay." That's what she would always tell me before going back to what she was doing. She always hum when she cleaned, I would follow her around and listen.
She could sing as well. She sung me beautiful songs when I was feeling ill. When I went away, on a trip to New York, she sung me 'Hey There Delilah' over the phone, but replaced Delilah with Slayine, my full name. She would sing me love songs and lullabies every night. My favorite was 'If the moon fell down tonight' by some band. That song always made me smile.
She gave me the cutest teddy bear for my birthday. It was brown with big, black, shiny eyes. She made him many outfits, she loved to sew and create things. My favorite outfit for him was this little black and lime green graphic tee, black jeans with green stitching, and these tiny green and black converse. We named him Charles, she liked that name. I carried Charles everywhere with me, never let him out my sight.
We would sometime have these cute little tickle fights. She was super ticklish, I wasn't. I knew her tickle spot, her lower back. I always got her there, but I always let her win. When we would stop laughing she would ask me if I let her win. I would say no, but, in honesty, I always did. She would smile really big and bright then, as if she had actually won something. Seeing that made me smile too.
She was beautiful, also. With her light grey eyes, her spiky chestnut brown hair. She had nice cheekbones and a dancer's body. She was small, 5'4 and 110 pounds. She would flutter around the house like a little pixie. She would always tell me how pretty I was. When she caught me starring at her she would say "Slay, I wish I had your blue eyes, they sparkle so much. Oh, and your hair. I wish I had long blonde hair like you do. Ah, I wish I had full lips like you do." When she said that she would kiss me, lightly. I would scold her in my mind, her lips were so much better.
She was caring, loving, beautiful, talented, and all mine. She was Autumn Hartwell. Autumn Hartwell was dead.
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Hope you liked! Please comment, more is coming up, maybe, tomorrow.
(Dance with me elephants! DANCE!)
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Okay…I don’t want to be harsh but here I go.
Firstly, what are you trying to convey in this story? If you are conveying that Autumn is dead then you have done that at the first part so why bother writing the rest. You had already told us she is dead at the first paragraph.
This is the problem of the story. You had already given the main information: Autumn is dead and that is basically all. They do not need – I think-more info about this girl because they know she is dead already. It felt like the other paragraph are just info on who is Autumn.
What you need to do is to reserve the part where you reveal her death later and focus in the first part her stay in the hospital. Try to start the story of her thinking the happy moments with Autumn and this is where you an put the Barbie stuff and all. Then shift it to something mournful. And do not say it directly but through an event like when the doctors came to your room with a sad expression on their faces. There you can reveal on your thoughts to what had happened and your emotions in which it will end with your character in the bed of Autumn.
Overall, you got the ideas in the story but just fix a little structure and it will be good.
PS
this is just a suggeestion...you can rebuke it or not
Should I put this under Romantic Fiction?
Awwwwwwww! Thats so sad!
<-- my elephant knows how to groove-it move-it!
Couple questions that are nagging at my enormus curiousity:
How old is she?
How is she related to the character?
But anyway, I liked this! It had an almost warm feeling to me as she recalled her, whatever Autmn was to her. I liked it alot! Can't wait to see more!
Keep up the good work!
-Irish
Hi Loveless!
First, I have some nit-picks
Wrong tense, should be 'creeped'. Just to let you know, the word 'through' and 'threw' sound the same so when read it seems like you've repeated the same word twice.
The comma after 'guys' is not needed.
It, it, it xD
You repeat this quite a few times.
Maybe re phrase this to something like, "It was black with red trimming, and had our initials sewn together in the middle"
Also, the word 'our' is wrongly spelt!
This sentence is really awkward especially since you've placed that 'just' in the final part of it. So it flows with a little more ease, I would re phrase to something like, "I would watch her [You could put in something like 'grinning from ear to ear' or another phrase of your choice here] on the days she hopped out of bed and started playing with them".
I would delete the 'all' in bold, its necessary to put it twice.
This sentence is a bit... iffy, to me.
1. There doesn't need to be a comma before 'too'
2. I think it would sound much nicer if it was altered to read something like, "I cleaned our room..." Then you could put, "It was something she always liked to do"
No need for the comma.
Other
You should start a new line for the dialogue of a different character. It makes it so much easier to read! xD
I noticed in your tendencies to over use commas and when you do this, all it does it create awkward pauses.
I think it would be great if you added a little more setting description. It sounds as though your MC and Autumn lived in the same house so maybe when your character returns home, it would feel dark and bleak to her. You could also add more description of your MC's actual feelings...
You give a lot of information that suggests she is distraught but I think a little emotive description could go a long way.
I liked reading about your character remembering Autumn. Very sweet xD
I would like to see what happens next so PM me if you post something!
Keep writing!
#004080 ">OxfordandOnyx
Hey Loveless
I enjoyed reading the first part of your emotional story even though I'm not a big fan of the genre.
A strong point is definitely your characterization, you really brought the two characters to life allowing the reader to feel for them.
I hope you go on to discuss the circumstances surrounding the story's premise in more detail.
Keep an eye on where you make new paragraphs as well.