*Demetri*
I pulled on a pair of boxers and brushed my hair out of my face, which wore a wide smile. I know it's wrong tricking Starlet like that, but with her being schizophrenic and an idiot savant it was just way too easy. Star was dumb in most everything except she had and excellent memory, she only had to listen to a song once and she already could recite the whole thing. She could read a book and tell you every single detail about it. Other than that excellent memory of hers she's just a pretty face and a bangin' body. I know thinking of my little sister in that way was wrong, but, like I said, it was just way too easy.
"Don't forget your clothes, dear!" She ran back in and put on one of my shirts, not that I was bothered by it at all, she looked really cute when she did that.
The sound of water filled the giant house we currently lived in, it was left to us when out parents died, along with a hell a lot of money. Mom used to be a famous fashion designer and dad a even more famous lawyer. Together the two of them really raked in some money. They were devastated when the found out Starlet was schizophrenic, they did everything they could to make her seem like a normal child, but Star was just way to special to come across as normal. She made decent grades in school despite her schizophrenia but never made more than a high B or a low A because "He" would always distract her in class, causing her to break out in tears and yell. And if she's screaming and crying she can't pay attention and remember what the teacher said. If it wasn't for "Him" she would make straight As.- The only other thing about her is that she can't do things on her own, everyone needs to tell her what to do and when to do it, or else she would be totally lost. Basically, she can't be alone- At first my parents thought this as an excuse, but when she started cutting because "He" said if she didn't he would do it for her, they decided to seek help.
I jumped out the bed and made my way to the kitchen to make breakfast, if I didn't make it she wouldn't eat. Which is part of the reason she's so skinny, I forget that I have to make her food too. I cooked up her favorite, chocolate-chip pancakes, oranges, and a tall glass of apple juice and for my self bacon, eggs, and sausages. I couldn't eat mine around her though, with her being vegetarian and all she always glares at me when I eat meat around her.
"Breakfast!" Almost instantly she exploded into the kitchen, with her reading glasses on and a book hanging limply from her right hand. I had already hid my food in the oven.
"Thanks, big brother," for some reason she almost never addressed me by my actual name," this looks yummy." She shoved a whole pancake in her mouth.
"Chew, Star, chew." She smiled, and obeyed silently. She swallowed and I could see a giant lump of food move down her throat.
"Oh, yeah," she laughed," I forgot. Why is it that I can't remember simple things, but I can remember difficult stuff?" She laughed at some unheard joke and finished eating, this time cutting her pancakes into small pieces. The light storming in from a window over the sink gave everything a golden like glow. Suddenly the phone rang and Star jumped, knocking over her apple juice.
"Aw," she whispered, her face contorted into that look she got when she was on the verge of tears," Oh, I'm sorry big brother." I sighed and handed her a napkin.
"It's okay, Star, it's just apple juice." I ran to the phone and picked it up quickly before whoever was on the other end thought we weren't home.
"Hello," I whispered, glancing back at Star nervously.
"Sup, Demepop?" I rolled my eyes and almost hung up in her face.
"Nanali, I told you to never call me that again! What do you want anyway?" I could practically hear her frown over the phone.
"I just wanted to talk."
"You need tutoring again?"
"No, just needed to hear your voice." I hung up in her face and turned back to Star, I swear, that little girl just got on my nerves so much sometimes. Star was on her knees, wiping at some juice that spilled on the floor.
" Star, get up," her being on her knees made me nervous. In a matter of seconds she was up and eating again. I sighed and waited for her to stop eating. Why'd did such a hot girl have to be so fucking stupid?
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi! I read the first part of this, and I'm glad you posted more! There really wasn't anything style-wise that I could criticize. Only thing was this:
It took me a few moments to figure out who was talking. I would just add a little dialogue tag.
I have to agree with Red Ashes, Demetri was just... meh. He really didn't have much of a personality other than a creep who is obsessed with his sister. And while it's fine for that to be the main bit of his character, he feels like nothing without those traits. Obviously I don't know where this is going, and how important it'll be for us to see through his eyes, but I feel like you could characterize him really nicely through Starlet's eyes. Do you really need his POV?
Also, I find it weird that children with such famous parents could not draw attention from say, Social Services, and live alone without a guardian, especially since Demetri is what, eighteen? I forget. I don't know if he would be able to be Star's legal guardian, considering her disorder. This is just a realism nitpick, though, and doesn't really matter, at least in the first draft.
Other than that, I really love the story. Your style is very nice, and I like the twisted thing going on between Demetri and Starlet. I can't wait to read more!
~Karma
Well, what I can say is that this is a pretty demented story.
I read the one from before, and I thought that your characterization of Star was welldone, but Demetri doesn't really do it for me. He's too flat and we're still concentrating on Star, even when we're in Demetri's head, which annoys me. I think you could change this by just staying true to your character, talk about his life rather than Star's schooling and such, and... yeah, that's it.
I mean, since when does a brother take advantage of his little sister's weaknesses. (and body)
Your writing is nice to read, it flows and is simple in the structure. I like how you put everything it's just what you put is a little disturbing.
I don't go in for this kind of thing, I just thought I could review it since I have the time. (I also know how annoying it is not to get any comments) but this isn't my cup of tea. Sorry Loveless. But hey! I did comment!
~Ash~