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time passed by

by CaptainJack

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583 Reviews

Points: 2848
Reviews: 583

Sun May 19, 2019 8:49 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...

Hey, LordWolf! I'm finally here to review your poem.

Small Comments

i saw your profile through the rounded window

I already knew your poem was about romance thanks to the description you gave in The Crow's Nest, but I love how the poem's beginning cements the connection between the speaker and subject.

i saw you standing out in the rain

I can see that the poem doesn't use the "i saw" phrase with every new stanza, but I like the little repetition it has here. It adds more description to a poem that already has a healthy dose of imagery.

and with each glance i wanted to be with you again. i wanted to be with you again.

I know I was just talking about how much I liked the repetition of "i saw" at the start of the first two stanzas, but the repetition here doesn't flow as well. I think it might be because you don't follow that pattern anywhere else in the poem - there is the "i want" section in stanza four, and the "complained" lines in the last two stanzas, but it isn't the same "sentence" repeated each time.

sweet songs sung through busted head phones

I always love headphone imagery. <3

Overall Comments

This is a very well written poem! You have a knack for imagery, and it's definitely interesting seeing how you write poetry compared to prose. The formatting was great with sentences beginning and ending in the middle of lines, and the stanzas were all just the right size for a quick read. My only suggestion is what I mentioned with the repetition in the previous section of this review - it seems to be part of your style, so I don't think removing it would serve you or the poem well. Adding more on to each part or adding more repetition to show it's a pattern might help.

I really enjoyed reading this poem - thanks for making the review request. <3

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601 Reviews

Points: 13604
Reviews: 601

Sat May 04, 2019 10:24 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on your work, and to help get this work out the green room.

Okay let's begin.

So this was a really well written poem and I really liked it. But I did see one or two things I would like to point out.
So the first thing is the color of the words. I'm not quit sure how you made the background yellow, but having the words white is a little hard to read. me being some one who needs glasses to read some times, it does strain the eyes.
The next thing is were to repeat a sentence.

I wanted to be with you again.

You did repeat this twice, and right after each other, so it did disrupt the flow a little. But this is only a small thing.

Other than those few things I really liked reading this poem, it was quit heart warming with emotion, and it told quit a nice story behind it to.
What I liked to most was the way you started it, it just got me ready for a story and it made it easy to get into the flow of the poem, the ending was the same, just that it told us the story has come to an end, and it let us stop on a good note. So over all it was fun to read.
I didn't see anything wrong this a punctuation, nor the spelling, everything was very well written.
Another thing I would like to mention is the name you have picked, it is quit eye catching, and it draw me to come read your poem, and bay am I glad I did, because it really, really good.

Well that's it from me for now, I do hope I will see more of your work out on YWS soon, because it was a great joy to read and review your work for you. I do hope you will never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

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28 Reviews

Points: 930
Reviews: 28

Sat May 04, 2019 8:26 am
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Leviari says...

I'm such a fan of your writing :) Although it's a terrific piece from the first word to the last, the fourth stanza is truly superb.
It's so beautiful I wouldn't mind it being framed in my room.

Your talent is absolutely evident here .

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Sat May 04, 2019 2:32 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! First of all, I'm so sorry sorry, I'm doing this on my phone and I'm almost guaranteed to have typos/weird things because I'm not great at typing on phones.

On to the review!

I think at first glance the white text on yellow print is rather hard to read. And maybe that was intentional, so if so, yay it worked, but if not, something to consider.

I loved the romantic appeal of the poem and how touching it was. It just seemed to evoke so many beautiful images of old people still very much in love, or maybe even old meeting meeting and falling in love and wishing they jad always been together. It's beautiful and so personal and full of sentiment.

On a few technical details, I did notice there were some lines that seemed to trail off. The last verse in particular had an opening line that seemed a little choppy. Maybe capitalizaing the letters in it? Having a period and a new sentence on the new line is what it think could be better. Maybe if you put the next sentence on a new line?

Overall , beautiful poem! You should be proud!

Happy Writing!


A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles