I weep in the black spring.
The warm winds bringing ash from higher ground.
Eyes stinging and hearts broken we climb.
I wonder about my faith.
Where am I when the life is unlivable.
I will rise, but my demons pull me down.
What an utterly pathetic fight!
but still I fight. So Heaven shine down on me.
When I'm covered in Hell.
I weep in the black spring.
Good is just a facade, get closer and it bites.
Heaven is unreachable, and a Saint has fallen.
The rest of us are just here
waiting... waiting...
"Jesus will come back."
They say.
"And He will take me home."
That's all I really know.
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138,412 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
So, Now I'm done nitpicking, and here's my overall impression!
- Flow was good for the better part, but I pointed out where I thought it got choppy!
- Okay structure, even though it left the pattern towards the end
- Few grammatic errors, none really, just a bit weird wording, and typos, but that's also pointed out!
As for the content, I thought it was amazing, it's full with imagery and great descriptions and you manage to tell a real good story through this poem!
I'll reward you with 4/5 icky, sticky spiders for this beuatiful poem!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Thanks guys. I'll try to edit but my it's difficult. I understand what you're all saying though, so I will do my best.
Herro, Hero.
It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of religious poetry, but I’m not going to bother with that with this poem because it doesn’t feel particularly religious—just a vague attempt at inspiration: one of those light in the darkness pieces that you get from 14-year-old girls with lacerations on their hip bones.
Anyway, there are several things that can be improved about this piece, just as far as flow, format, and grammar go. And those are the things I’ll talk about since content is typically futile with these sorts of things.
So you start with a nice hook, something original that I haven’t seen done before, weeping in a black spring, but the second line doesn’t flow after it, and neither does the third. So already you have three disconnected lines, and we’ve just begun. “Bringing” needs to be changed to “bring” so you’ll be grammatically correct. Slap a comma in after “broken” for the same deal. Just imagery-wise, the first line is very different from the other two. You seem to go from heavy aquatic imagery to a volcanic scene without giving any room to breathe. I don’t like this whiplash, and you should consider ways to fix it.
Stanza two is different in formatting, in my opinion, so I’d like to see you do something to this effect:
It makes it flow better, and makes it a more powerful stanza with more of an idea of contemplation and introspection. Stanza three has lots of grammatical hoo-has all over the place. I don’t like the first line of stanza three with the exclamation point—it just seems cheesy and childish. Leave it if you intend this to be emphasized as slam poetry, but take it out if not.
I rather like stanza four. It shows more depth than most religious poetry around here, but in line three, you get a very bland style of narration that turns me off to the quality of the remaining words. There’s more whiplash here that needs smoothing over. Pay close attention. I’m also not a fan of the “waiting… waiting…” bit. Perhaps you can pull it off with some format changes, but it falls flat on its face as it stands.
Stanza five is smeh. I don’t think you need the line break between lines one and two—write it like a line of dialog. I really love your last line, though. So don’t change that. Ever.
I hope this helped, but let me know if you have any questions or comments.
-Lumi
Hi there!
I was reading through this and I was thinking, this is exactly how I feel! I totally agree with everything you wrote in this poem.
This poem is written well. It has a good flow to it and a definite rhythm. I do have a negative comment though (sorry!). I think you could've done more with the punctuation. I know when I write poetry I usually put a comma at the end of every line because I'm not really sure how to use punctuation to make it more effective. But when writing poetry, punctuation really adds to the feel. Maybe add a few dashes to pause at the right spots.
Overall this is a great poem! Keep writing!
Like the above posters said, a couple issues with capitalization/punctuation.
I love the voice, I could almost hear it being read out loud. Nice word choice, flow...
Not much to nitpick here. Nice poem.
This is good, aside from a few little things. Check your punctauation. Some of the sentences were broken into two lines by a period, when it should be a comma, and make sure questions have question marks. Also, you should try to spice it up with some literary devices; metaphors, similes, alliteration, onomonopeaias, and all of that good stuff can really make a poem special. I like how your faith shows though and your feelings are evident, making this a good Christian poem, but I really think it would benefit you to look it over a bit and revise a little. Good luck.
Your poem is very beautiful!! I loved reading it, its very poetic. No nitpicks, because I really couldn't find any, except for some capitalization at the first parts of your poems!!