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There is no happily ever after

by Lolita18


“Come; make haste! make haste! I want to see it as soon as I can.” I said, running while holding his hand, pulling him with me.

“Oh, slow down Sarah, we’re gonna fall and start reading fewer classics. You have started to sound like them.” Davin said as he stopped me to take a breath.

“Shut it, Davin. It’s going to be the best night of our life. It will be so much fun. I can’t wait”. I told him. It was childish to be this excited over an amusement park. I know. But it’s been such a long time since I came here. I don’t know how to control so much excitement.

“Yeah yeah” he sounded bored but he was also grinning just like me. His eyes shined with amusement and there was something else too in them---love.

At last we reached at the gate. My jaw dropped at the sight that greeted me. The park shined brighter than ever and I knew why. It’s Christmas.

We both roamed around, holding hands. I was so happy and I was aware that this beautiful place was not the only reason for this overflowing happiness. It was the beautiful man beside me with whom I was spending my time with. It’s been a year and three months since my childhood best fried confessed to me and we started dating. And I have never been happier.

We ate ice cream and cotton candy. And visited all the rides. And then davin threw up in the dustbin while I patted his back.

“Are you okay? You know, we can skip some rides. We don’t need to ride each one of them.” I said softly.

“No, I want to. You love them”.

“But-“I started to protest but he shushed me.

“Now Now, Sarah, don’t ruin the fun. I am alright. Hey look at that; let’s take a picture with the Christmas tree.” He pulled me with him.

I glared, but went with him. He is so stubborn. I love him. We took some pictures and ate some more. It was late. We decided to finally leave. And we did.

Davin was driving the car while humming. It was a quiet drive. His one hand was on steering. And the other holding mine. He has been with me since morning and held my hand, squeezing it lightly all day. He usually didn’t do that, Mostly showed his affection through words. I wondered what’s special today but didn’t ask.

Also, he could say the same thing about me. I was not behaving like I usually do. And of course how can i! This night is going to change everything between us. Today I will propose to him. I have been thinking about it since forever. The day I found out that he felt the same for me that I felt for him. I have been waiting for this day and I realized that I want to spend my entire life with him. Everyone is waiting at my home to surprise him. My family, his family, friends-everyone. It will be perfect. I will make sure of that.

“HEY!”

I came back from my imagination. And jumped, when I heard him shout.

“oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It was just, you were lost in your thoughts and I called your name like three times and you didn’t respond.” Davin explained hastily.

“Oops, sorry. What were you saying?”

“Nothing, I just- “he cleared his throat. “ I was just saying that there is something I wanted to tell you”

He said and I noticed his ears were red. Is he blushing?

“So you know, my life has become so beautiful after meeting you. You complete me.”

It was my turn to become a tomato.

He continued “and I am so grateful for everything you have done. And you’re a great daughter to your parents. A great student. And a great author. But to me you are my everything. A true friend- my best friend. A loving girlfriend. And now I want you as my-“

I never found out how that sentence was going to end. Or I knew. But I never heard him say it to me as that truck hit us. For a moment, everything went still. And then I heard the bang and the horn and the screeching and the scream. I am still not sure whose it was. I was unconscious for a long time or not. Everything’s still a blur. I think I heard the sirens. And the sound of vehicles. And then I opened my eyes in the hospital. My parents were looking at me. They looked exhausted and sad. It looked like they were crying or trying not to cry. But failing.

And even when all I felt was pain and noticed that I was covered in bandages. I didn’t ask anything except-

“Where is my davin?”

I was startled when somebody put their hand on my shoulder. It was Davin’s sister. Mary. She is crying.

I think, I started dreaming about that night again while being in my Davin’s funeral. Its been a week since that accident. But all this time, without him, felt like a lifetime. I don’t remember doing much. I guess, I kept looking at his photo in my room or watching his favorite tv shows or doing other things that reminded me of him. Still I don’t remember doing anything. I didn’t put my foot outside my room, no matter who came to meet me. I have come outside after days just to attend his funeral in this church. I thought I am going to come here while wearing a white gown with him beside me. But here I am, in this gloomy black dress saying my goodbye to the love of my life. But I didn’t shed a tear. I wanted to appear strong with everyone watching me with pity in their eyes. ‘I will cry alone’. I told myself. ‘ I will cry alone in my room with his memories that will stay with me forever’.

His mother. Aunt Katherine came to me, holding a small box.

‘God, please, you cannot do this to me. You cannot be this unfair’ thought i.

“My sweetie-" she began. A sob escaped her trembling lips

“This box was found by the police in his jacket” she said in merely more than a whisper. But loud enough for me to hear.

My heart is hammering in my chest. It’s so loud that I can’t hear anything else over it. And when I took that box from her hands and opened it. I felt everything stop.

My world stopped. My breathing quickened. My heart that was beating so fast, a second ago, has now stopped. My fingers trembled. And I collapsed on the floor, right before more than forty people.

Nothing mattered. And I started sobbing, crying and screaming.

There was a diamond ring in that box. And inside, there was a small piece of paper that read in his handwriting;

‘will you marry me, Sarah?’


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Points: 11
Reviews: 4

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Tue Apr 23, 2024 6:00 pm
MayaAyrod wrote a review...



Loved your story :)

I really like how you paint a clear picture with words in some of the descriptions. Like the car crash. Coming from someone who's never been in a car crash, I could feel and see your words.

Yes, there might be some minor grammar mistakes, but that's certainly easily fixable. And maybe I would've liked a different title to keep me in a suspense for a bit longer :D

I look forward to read more from you :)




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28 Reviews

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Reviews: 28

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Sat Apr 20, 2024 2:50 am
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Inferno wrote a review...



Hi my friend! Let's get started!

First off, I think this post is really underrated and you need more likes! This is really good. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Very well done.

So. Some parts need a little bit of work. Whenever dialogue happens, you only use words like: he said, or: she told him.

"Come; make haste! make haste! I want to see it as soon as I can.” I said...

Shut it, Davin. It’s going to be the best night of our life. It will be so much fun. I can’t wait”. I told him...

It makes it hard for readers to picture the tone of the character's voice. You could use words like:
.chuckled
.giggled
.snorted
for excited or happy scenarios, or:
.yelped
.screamed
.boomed
.intoned
for scary, intense, or loud scenes or:
.frowned
.stuttered
.belched
.clipped
for others. There are so many ways to describe dialogue. Even if you use words like "said", maybe spice it up like "I said excitedly", or " I said, my voice filled with joyous anticipation". Research more, and you can experiment with the hundreds of ways to describe your character talks! Just have fun with it!

Secondly, there are some minor grammar issues too.
We ate ice cream and cotton candy. And visited all the rides. And then davin threw up in the dustbin while I patted his back.

Maybe it would make more sense like this:
We ate ice cream and cotton candy, then visited all the rides. It was all fun and games... until Davin threw up in the dust bin. I patted his back.

Also, remember to capitalize every letter that starts a new sentence.
oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you...

That needs a capitalization. Scan through your work for those.

This part flustered me:
And then I heard the bang and the horn and the screeching and the scream. I am still not sure whose it was. I was unconscious for a long time or not.

Hm... Maybe rewrite it like this:
Then I heard a bang. A horn honked. Someone screeched and screamed. I am still not sure who it came from. I was unconscious for a long time... or not?


Friendly reminder: THIS IS YOUR WRITING!
If you aren't sure about my corrections, feel free to keep it the way it is. It's a beautiful masterpiece no matter what. Don't EVER let anyone force you into changing your work.

Well. That's all I got. Salutations (who even says that anymore? Apparently me.) Peace.




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240 Reviews

Points: 16328
Reviews: 240

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Tue Apr 16, 2024 12:07 pm
AkuRashomon says...



what a beautiful piece to showcase romance!




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Points: 337
Reviews: 4

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Sat Apr 13, 2024 9:52 am
NadjaWasHere wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!



Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
First of all this story had be absolutely crushed, it's a beautiful tale, and I myself am a sucker for a good romance. Davin seems like such a sweetheart and while reading I could almost feel the sorrow Sarah must have felt in that moment. You do a really good job on explaining the feelings she is going through.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
You can ignore this part if you wish, you do not have to take any of it to heart if it doesn't fit.

Overall very great piece, there is only a few grammar mistakes like when you write Davin with lowercase d. and in the sentence:
“My sweetie- she began. A sob escaped her trembling lips

I think you forgot a " after: sweetie-

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Now to my favorite part :3 all the golden bits!

I would like to start off with this quote:

For a moment, everything went still. And then I heard the bang and the horn and the screeching and the scream. I am still not sure whose it was. I was unconscious for a long time or not. Everything’s still a blur. I think I heard the sirens. And the sound of vehicles.

I really loved how you explained this, and you put really clear pictures in my mind on the confusion that she felt in this moment. especially when you write: "I am not sure whose it was" when talking about the screaming.

Another great piece is:

There was a diamond ring in that box. And inside, there was a small piece of paper that read in his handwriting;

‘will you marry me, Sarah?’

To be honest I am really loving this ending, it gives it just that bit of like wholesomeness and sorrow, I almost started crying.


Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts

This story is over all a great piece and I will be looking forward to reading what else you come up with! Keep doing what you are doing C:




Lolita18 says...


THANK YOU!! thanks a lot for this review.
and feedbacks are humbly welcome. i would love to learn and improve.
this is my first short story ever so i thought nobody might be interested.
but you made my day.
so, thanks




If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates