Hello there and sorry for the wait. I'm here to review your poem as requested!
First things first, you've got a lot of alliteration going on in this, and as much as I adore alliteration, it felt like there was a bit too much of it for really counter-intuitive reasons, now that I look at the structure of the poem overall.
So let's take the first stanza for example:
They go #00F ">round and round her head,
Lifeless roses in a graceless garden,
A cursed cradle.
The repetition I highlighted in blue acts as alliteration as well, so in this first stanza, we've got three instances of alliteration irregularly spaced but still super close together, which wouldn't necessarily be an issue if the irregularity of the spacing didn't make the instances of alliteration feel so haphazard. Coupled with how vague the images are, and the alliteration feels very obvious, and loud "I am being poetic", rather than fading into the background of the main ideas and subtly enhancing those ideas.
The rest of the poem isn't as heavy on the alliteration, but first impressions really linger, and so each instance of alliteration that follows only adds to the loudness of the already loud alliterativeness.
While cutting down on the alliteration is certainly one way to combat this noise, what I would actually recommend is developing your imagery a bit more, so that the alliterations you employ become less of the focus in favor of the unique take of the subject.
In the case of the first stanza, as I already mentioned, the images are quite vague and nonspecific. Of the images you present, "cursed cradle" has the most potential because there's the hint of contrast and conflict between the concepts of something being cursed and a place where something is born/supposed to be safely kept. As the cursed cradle is repeated in the final line, it's also very clearly a key idea behind this poem, and so developing the contrast and conflict will strengthen the poem even more.
The other fairly important idea was that of the thoughts circling and repeating endlessly (until they don't), but this idea was very much not developed, even though it is referenced in the final stanza as well. And so I think focusing on developing this idea with the cursed cradle, perhaps adding a bit more repetition in structure (rather than word choice), would help strengthen the piece as well.
Right now, structurally, there isn't much in common between stanzas or even lines. There are hints of repetition, such "those who don't", but there aren't enough instances of the repetition for it to really reinforce the repetitious nature of the thoughts being spoken of.
As it stands though, I feel the vagueness of the imagery is the weakest part of this piece, and so I'd recommend exploring the two main images above a bit more, seeing if you can provide more concrete or tangible examples or concepts involving them and their interrelation, and going from there to see if you can reinforce those ideas structurally.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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