The Want to Look Up

by LizzieH3

Whistling down the street,

Little moments.

Contagious smiles,

And the want to look up.

Dancing in a brightly coloured room,

Pajamas and woolly socks on.

“I love this song”,

A fountain of giggles.

A big smile spreads,

Eyes light up.

A shiny new toy,

Just what he wanted.

“I haven't seen him since, I think it's better that way”,

Cups of coffee in cosy coffee shops.

“Pass the sugar”.

Shabby happiness,

With ripped jeans,

And a long band tee,

And a dimpled smile.

The metropolitan canal,

All the barges.

The people watching in awe as the lock is opened, closed.

Flashy happiness,

With the neon white teeth,

And a night blue blazer,

And the bold smile.

“I want that one and that one”,

“You’ll never get both”,

"I don't care",

Train tracks and train talks.

Whistling down the street,

Little moments.

Contagious smiles,

And the want to look up.

Comments

Points: 0
Reviews: 206

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Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:00 am

DeerInBacPac wrote a review...

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So, first thing I notice is that well, I didn't notice anything wrong! The flow was great and loved the different perspectives in the poem! I think my favorite stanza was

"Dancing in a brightly coloured room,

Pajamas and woolly socks on.

“I love this song”,

A fountain of giggles."

I like how it was worded and it flowed together so well.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, the different perspectives of others lives at the same moment, no? How others look at there life and how they may or may not be enjoying it. How they spend the day and who they hang out with.

Overall I loved the poem, the way it was worded and the different views and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

LizzieH3 says...

Thanks x

Points: 10
Reviews: 6

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Sat Oct 21, 2017 1:10 pm

autumnalmascot wrote a review...

Hello! I'm here for a review~

God I loved this. It's so wholesome and wonderful and aaaaaaaa. The shorter lines definitely worked amazing with the fleeting imagery and the overall pacing helps this as well!

“I want that one and that one”,
“You’ll never get both”,
"I don't care",
Also this is adorable and I love it and everything it stands for.

The structuring of the poem is pretty consistent, and the formatting is predictable which makes the poem pretty easy to read. The capitalization of every line wasn't necessary but because it was done consistently throughout I didn't find it took away from the poem at all.

Did I mention how cute this was because just in case I didn't-
It's pretty cute.

LizzieH3 says...

Thank you this means so much xx

Points: 389
Reviews: 17

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Sat Oct 21, 2017 10:18 am

popsicles wrote a review...

Yeaahh I like being happy and I'm happy to be I found this poem, because this little piece makes me happy!
Your poem is awesome, being happy is very good, I like that, because when I'm happy the sun shines above my head, I'm stronger and I sing the whole day then ;-)
Being happy let me fly and being happy is being powerful too!

I like this one very much! You are a very good writer, well this was a quick review from Bree :-)

Don't Worry...Be Happy!