You say you think positive,
that you look on the bright side
of every nuclear bomb, like
“well, at least there’s fireworks”,
spreading out your sun-kissed arms
like a thief in surrender
armed to the teeth with
legal loopholes.
It’s all to fool me into thinking
you have nothing to hide,
as if my eyes were motion sensors
and my brain
programmed on Scratch.
But I am not a terminal
for you to draw current from.
I am not a negative pole
for you to slide down,
firewoman.
And if I had free electrons,
I would charge you
hourly for using them;
they are not yours
to stuff your empty spaces with
so you can pretend you have something to lose
and project a martyr
onto your blank screen.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi there @Liminality I am here to do a review, so first things first.
What I like
“well, at least there’s fireworks”, I like this because I would probable say the same thing for I am a bit crazy sometimes.
What needs work
spreading out your sun-kissed arms, okay now this is a bit stranch, why would this happen I do not really under stand,
like a thief in surrender, okay I do not really think that thief's do that thoe I do not think that they surrender,
legal loopholes. okay I am going to see if I can help you with this sens tins a little.
as if my eyes were motion sensors, okay why would your eyes be motion sensors, to this holl thing.
firewoman. What dose this have to do with it I am not shore what you are saying really.
and project a martyr, okay I have never herd of the word martyr so I do not no ho this is or what it is or what ever your talking about.
Suggestions
1 For: legal loopholes.you are the legal loopholes that I seem to land into every now and again. so that is all that I can say, so keep up the good work.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill
Thanks for the review!
With 'sun-kissed', I'm trying to create the image of someone standing in such a position that sunlight outlines their arms, like how they sometimes show superheroes in movies.
What I mean by legal loophole is a flaw in the law that allows someone to avoid punishment for something. The thief is "surrendering" because they know they won't be punished anyway.
"Firewoman", the superhero image from before and "martyr" kind of go together. The person is pretending to be a hero, and a martyr means a person who sacrifices themselves for others.
Hope this clears some things up!
o thank you that makes more sens.
I'm not the biggest poetry fan, but I have to admit this is really good! Your writing style is quite engaging and the poem is, overall, well written. You have a talent for metaphors and similes, both of which can be hit or miss, so being good at them is a skill. The structure could be more clear (separating it into clear stanzas, for example) but other than that, it's a really good piece of writing. Well done!
Thank you for your comments!
Firstly, sorry that some of this isn't really in order.
Secondly; I like this alot! It shows how some people tell you to "think positive" before really considering how you feel and why you have negative thoughts. I also like how it describes people stealing from you in a way: "I would charge you hourly for using them; they are not yours".
It also suggests the idea that people try to twist the story to make it seem like they are more important than you ("so you can pretend to have something to lose") and the idea that they are giving up alot to do something else when they aren't. This also links to what is said earlier in the poem: "spreading out your sun-kissed arms like a thief in surrender", because it also suggests the idea that someonr has stolen from you.
With this person's positivity and you stating "I am not a negative pole for you to slide down" shows an attachment that this person has to you, sort of like the north and south pole of a magnet. Opposites attract!
"Blank screen" makes me think that they don't really have anything to do and that they are around you for a sense of fulfillment perhaps? This could also be connected to the line: "to stuff your empty spaces with".
However, I think that you should put some stanzas in because the block text makes it harder to read.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem and it carries alot of emotion.
Thank you for the review and your suggestions!