Blank World

Hello, I'm here to review (what else lol)!

First off, let me respond to the suggested questions you left. I understand the title is "Blank World," but there is enough description even fairly soon into the beginning that it doesn't feel like we as readers are dealing with much of anything blank at all. That being said, I can see where your idea is coming from, as you literally start by saying "you wake up looking at a sky like blank paper." Then from that point, you begin to add details one by one, so it's like the story or the surroundings are falling into position with each additional description and sensory detail. But I got the impression that the "blank world" was supposed to be everything before you mention printed words, and seeing as you don't mention printed words until the 11th out of 14 "stanzas," I felt that I had already gotten plenty of imagery to fill the "blankness" before the "printed words" section even arrived. But having said all that, I don't mean to imply that this is a flaw; it's just something that I perceive as something to consider for possible revision.

So that can fall under the category of how the blank world made me feel. Adding to that, I'd say that what you've put forth as the blank world is actually kind of interesting for being presented as "blank." One by one, the details form a fuller picture, and I think the image it paints is quite lovely. The way you specifically mention "you follow with your eyes" gives more to the concept that we're beginning with emptiness and observing details as they unfold into a visual picture. I particularly liked the lines "before you the waterfall swims with diamond fish." First of all, it gives the impression that the waterfall is kind of sparkly/shimmery. But on a deeper level, the way it says that "the waterfall swims" rather than "the fish swim" gives a life and animation to the water/waterfall itself, and I think that adds an interest that exceeds the ordinary "diamond fish swim in the waterfall." Overall, this visual imagery builds the impression of being in an exciting new place that's beautiful and peaceful but holds a sense of unknown as well. For these reasons, I think I'd definitely like to be there. It just sounds like a lovely place.

Now that I've commented on the "blank world," I'll move on to the "printed world." To initially answer the suggested question, I'd say that I prefer the blank world, actually. Like I said above, the blank world ends up being not so blank by the time it has all unfolded. The way the waterfall seems to transform into a flight of stairs is unique and adventuresome. In contrast, it seems that the printed world to which the reader travels in the boat appears startingly normal and even drab. Words like "grey" and "old brown lamps" convey that idea.

I got the impression that the setting the narrator travels to is a time and place they once knew. Looking back, this impression most likely comes from the words "and the photo of a street you remember well." To my mind, I guess I am interpreting this whole journey as sort of a walk down memory lane. Maybe the man in the boat is memory itself, or just the phenomenon that transports your mind to a memory, and perhaps it is the printed words that are the memory itself. Whatever the case, the way you describe the scene falling apart so suddenly seems to convey the idea that the narrator is torn away from the memory by some present-world experience or sensation that interrupts their musing. It feels like their train of thought gets derailed abruptly.

I have mixed feelings about the way this poem ends. Even though the ending comes on really swiftly compared to the long build-up, I think the wording you used is pretty appropriate for a swift ending, or at least for a change of mood on the spot. The way you said "the sky begins to rip" is thematically in keeping with the overall thought of printed words and paper, which you introduced in the opening. However, like I mentioned, the whole ending is kind of abrupt, and also rather vague. Vague endings are not always a bad thing, and are often used in powerful literary productions, but by nature of being vague, they tend to leave a cognitive dissonance or lack of emotional resolve, similar to a piece of music that ends on a chord that leaves the listener with a funny feeling that it either hasn't really ended or hasn't ended right. So I think by nature of the type of ending you used here, mixed feelings are to be expected. We don't get any insight into which world the narrator prefers, so with this somewhat inconclusive closing, we aren't sure whether to decide this conclusion was positive or negative for the narrator.

A further comment I have is that it seems you've written this with some intentions of putting the *reader* as the one experiencing this poem (evidenced by wording like "you wake up," "your eyes follow," "you see," etc.) However, the poem appears to depict a very particular memory that would not be specific to any generic reader, which makes the poem feel like it's being expressed by a *narrator* sharing their experience. Maybe this is what feeds into the uncertain emotional response to the poem's ending. The reader may not be sure whether they are supposed to be seeing this as their own experience or someone else's; and if it's someone else's, we get no suggestion of how *they* feel after that ending. I am not saying this is a flaw, just an observation, or maybe just me being overly critical of inconsequential elements.

My last comment is more on the structure of the poem. For the first several stanzas, you consistently used three lines for each. Then in the 12th, there are only two lines, and in the 14th there are four. (I think I counted stanzas correctly.) Since I didn't notice an especially distinct rhyme scheme or rhythm here, you may be able to get by with this easier, but I would suggest aiming for consistency in the number of lines per stanza, even if you don't stick to anything hard-and-fast when it comes to syllables per line and all that. To my mind, this gives a cleaner, less distracting structure to a poem.

Well, that's all for this review. Good work, and thanks for sharing! I had fun reviewing this, and I actually saw a lot more in it once I took time to examine it. Keep up the good work!

Thank you for sharing this poem! I must admit that this poem seemed like one interesting ride throughout this world that was made from letters and words.

Poem shows strong constructing and deconstructing momentums like this one: "a flight of folded stairs
and you descend
into his boat

and the sides heave
the floor turns inside out
to become a sailboat

...

and at the edge
of the convenience store
the sky begins to rip
and the pieces fall."

I really like this unexpected change of worlds. In this poem you showed beauty of change, imagination and poet's inner creative strength. Thank you very much for that.

And please, continue to create.

With kindness,

Sylvanus Grace

Lim poem Lim poem!!

Absolutely love the imagery in this one; not sure if this is going to make sense but it gave stop-motion animated short film vibes in the best way possible. The consistency in stanza length was also marvelous, and the second person point of view added so much depth. Thanks so much for sharing <3

Hi and thanks for sharing this piece! This was a super interesting read and I always enjoy any poem that makes me have to reread it and try thinking about it from different perspectives, as this piece did.

Reading this felt to me like a strange dream that seems normal at the time but makes no sense when you wake up. The world you created here with your descriptive imagery is very interesting and vivid yet open to interpretation.

This is such an interesting concept, and I would love to know how you came up with the idea for this unique piece of writing. I was also wondering if there was any purpose to the way you split stanzas and lines. In some places it seemed very natural but at others it seemed to interrupt the flow of the scene setting and I wondered if there was a reason for it which took me out of the poem momentarily.

To answer your wonderful question prompts; the blank world made me feel a sense of foreboding, as if there were something coming or hiding in the blankness. I would love to see an artistic depiction of this world, but I do not think I would like to be there because of the previously mentioned sense of foreboding (perhaps this is also my ADHD brain knowing the under-stimulation would cause anxiety).
Your poem's ending is mysterious and vague in meaning but descriptive in imagery. It leaves me wondering what has happened and what will happen next, which I enjoy. An ending that causes readers to keep thinking about a piece of work after they have finished reading it is, in my opinion, a strong finish and a sign of good writing.

Overall,
nice job and
Keep on writing!