Universia
When innocence floats into the shadow of the world,
It is lost, adrift in the unliminality of space.
The hand of darkness is ready to take hold of mankind,
Its fingers reaching down, unaffected by any brake.
Wars erupt in raging fires and tears fall in an endless flood,
The earth’s time is flying away in a red-soaked wasteland.
And even if light is still reflected in your weary eyes,
It won’t be long until our existence is erased
From the eternal poem of yesteryears.
Amidst the storm of chaos,
you are just one of those unfortunate souls in the way.
But with your determination
that adds a spark to your eyes,
will you be able to change our destiny with that?
What are those ideals for tomorrow
that lie open in your palm,
Ready to ignite your ambitions of changing humanity’s fate.
Between the borders of life and death,
You will be a mere story to be passed down to generations.
But with the brilliance that speeds up your pace,
Maybe the future isn’t so bad after all.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
OK thanks for the advice!
This is brilliant work, well done.
I thought the imagery that you employed in this was exquisite. Really masterful. My mind was drawn to these verses in particular:
"When innocence floats into the shadow of the world,
It is lost, adrift in the unliminality of space.
The hand of darkness is ready to take hold of mankind,
Its fingers reaching down, unaffected by any brake."
I hadn't noticed the change from capitalising every verse in the first stanza to only capitals for new sentences in subsequent stanzas until I read it through again. This suggests a kind of dislocation, as if stanza one is offset from the others. Was that your intended effect?
Just some notes to think about:
1. "the fire in your eyes" is a little cliched. Try something slightly more inventive, like "the spark in your eyes."
2. You repeated the word "ignite" in stanzas two and three. If intentional, this didn't work.
2. I expected the ending to be punchier. "Maybe the future isn't so bad after all" is somewhat an anticlimax. Find a really strong image that will linger in the mind's eye, or repeat an idea from the first few lines, such as:
"But with the brilliance that speeds up your pace, (this is a tad clunky, by the way)
the torch of your innocent dreams might shine forever."
Something like that. It's not a great example, but you get the idea.
Hope this helps!
Gahks
9/10
This is amazing. I find no fault in this, really. There's a tone of desperation and a sudden shift into hope at the end. That was beautiful.
My favorite part. It almost seems like a challenge here. Like a call for a firmer resolve for tomorrow. This poem is absolutely great.
This was amazing. I can't think of any other word to describe it, but it kept me on the edge of my seat. Each line was breathtaking, and I couldn't have found another poem that gives me a feeling such as this. There are many stories which entice this feeling in me, but no poem that I have found made me feel like this. Simply breathtaking. Literally.
This has to be my favorite part. Sorry about breaking up your poem, but I reacted so strongly with your ending. Again, I apologize. I cannot say anything negative about this. Poetry at its finest is what is shown here. Keep it up! A gold star for you.