First Love
I noticed you immediately
I had to muster up the guts
To put my arm around your shoulder
You lit up at my touch
We dance and your eyes are all I see
Your smile makes me think
That you might be the best thing
That's ever happened to me
Don't shy away from connection
I don't want to lose this
Let the walls around your heart
Fall for me, let me in
I cry when I hear about your trauma
I hold your hand
Everything you have been through
I try to understand
You say I'm your first love
Then when did you learn to kiss
A night under the stars
Something I know I'll won't forget
You haven't read since you met me
It's almost like
This life is better than fantasy
As long as you're mine
I Miss YOU
To hold
Is better than to kiss.
Safety:
The feeling I give.
Love
Is more than just bliss.
Somehow
It's her that I miss
Not her body
Not her love
Not her smile
Not her eyes
Although I miss them all
Somehow it is her soul that I miss most of all
Moving On
What do I do
Now that you don't want me?
I care so much
But we don't text like we used to.
I can feel you
A ghost in my arms, you brush against my cheek,
Your hair slips through my fingers--
Just like your heart.
What We Never Did
A picnic under the stars in the desert.
Climbing through the caves in St Anthony.
Playing the songs that make me think of you.
The present I bought
Still hasn't been delivered.
Eating at Righteous Slice and walking the plaza after dark,
Or just more late nights on the couch,
Holding you until long after curfew.
Remind me again, what about your dreams is better than that?
You want to help people, you don't want to get tied down.
I've been trying to move on, but nobody is like you.
Did it scare you, how fast we moved?
I was all yours within the week.
I think I still am.
I touch, I talk, I love,
But nothing I do makes these songs make sense again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
hi there i be dropping a review on your work
so we going to get started here
First this was actually pretty good to be a poem and also i love the way you got these words lined up i im going to show First Love I Miss YOU What We Never Did these were the words i was talking about and then you said what you said under that thats what i was saying and also i have a nice line through your work you say I'm your first love
Then when did you learn to kiss
A night under the stars
Something I know I'll won't forget
You haven't read since you met me
It's almost like
This life is better than fantasy
As long as you're mine this was actually my favorite line on what i read
My Compliment is how y'all everyone know what they know what to write cause last time i check people just write what they feel or there thoughts
how you can improve is you do pretty good slow motion poems like you made a love poem so thats what i im really saying about it right now
Keep writing have a nice day ~jay~
Thanks Jay!
Hi there, so i will be reviewing What We Never Did for you~
Because of the title, I assume that this is something that hasn't happened and is instead, wished that it did happen. If I'm right about that sudden foreshadowing, I feel like we are a little rushed into it? There isn't really anything before this talking about the characters and their relationship beyond it, if you don't count the other poems.
I assume this is because of a real person because of the usage of place names that sound like actual places and the description of the work, so I feel like you could take more from real life and use that in the poems because you have shown that it is a very possible thing, as it has happened a few spaces above this one certain poem.
Again, this feels a little awkward to me? There isn't anything behind it to showcase what you mean here, so there isn't any reason to believe it moved quickly. It's fine to tell the readers some parts of the storyline, but when it's something that isn't quite prose and something about relationships like this, it can be difficult to do that well.
The last line also does that - it wraps up the entire work, but it doesn't actually wrap anything up if I'm being totally honest. That's all I have to say about this, so besides that, all of these were really good and captured heartbreak pretty nicely.
Happy RevMo!
-- chi
Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!
Since there are a couple poems on here, I figured I'd just review half! I did read them all though, and they were all really great!
First Love
I enjoyed this poem! I think you captured the feeling of having a crush really well. And I say crush, but it's really something more, and you were definitely able to capture that. I loved how you incorporated some of the more serious aspects of a close relationship too, with all the trauma confessions and sharing. I felt I could especially relate to that part, and I appreciate how you didn't shy away from talking about those kinds of things. All in all, it was a delightful poem to read!
There were a couple things I noticed, though; I wondered about your rhyme scheme. There were some places where it seemed to rhyme/almost rhyme, but it wasn't consistent throughout the whole poem. I feel like to really develop and sell that rhyme, it needs to have a scheme to it. That also segues into my next point: I think you could benefit from having stanzas in it as well. I know YWS doesn't always like blank space in poems, so if you had stanzas in the original draft and copy/pasted it here, I get that, but if not, I'd really recommend putting them in. They can also aid you in building a more consistent rhyme scheme.
I Miss You
This one was also quite the touching poem. Though your structure was somewhat unconventional, I actually think it did a great job of building a really nice flow within the poem. Starting off with those short lines all one to two syllables long and alternating it with the rest of the sentence formed a phenomenal cadence. I did think that the first part and the second part of the poem were a bit disjointed, though. You built up a really nice flow and then abandoned it for an entirely different one. I would have liked to see it possibly carried throughout, just to keep the cadence up. With poem structures, it can be really easy to create a really killer last line, too. I do think the last line you have now is phenomenal, but I do wonder if you could rephrase it to make the overall poem more cohesive.
Overall Specifics
I'm pretty sure you don't need to say "I'll." If you spell it out without the contractions, it reads like "I will will not." You could either say "I'll not forget" or "I won't forget," but not both.
Overall: nice work! I think you did a marvelous job of chronicling a relationship throughout the poems, and I hope you're proud of your work! Hopefully I'll get to read and review more of your work on here sometime soon! Until next time!
Thanks!
You're right on both counts, I did try to put stanzas in.