Young Writers Society

I just wanted to add a quick explanation and breakdown of this poem.
Firstly, the Spanish lines approximately translate to:
I am completely alone
I want/love you
I am cold
The one I loved

Now for the background:
This is a man who has loved this woman since they were young. He pined after her for years, and then they finally got together and lived in the same house. Whether breakup, divorce or death separated them, I can’t say, but one of these has certainly occurred. All of her things have been taken away. As he pulls her hair out of the drain, he realizes that this last (disgusting) remnant is his final reminder of the woman he loved, or at least the last sign that she was once there with him. He gives into his grief and watches his tears slip down the drain until he can’t go on, curing up into a ball and sobbing relentlessly. He certainly feels some guilt in this moment, for what, I cannot say. He is acutely aware of the icy sensation of the tub against his spine, and laments losing the person that made him feel at peace and at home. The last line plays off of this metaphorical loss of home, and describes him praying to his God that some peace or joy, some flicker of light, might trickle down from heaven to his miserable heart.

Lastly, I apologize for my poor Spanish grammar, I’ve only taken three years worth of American Spanish classes.

Hi there LilPWilly! The title of this poem caught my eye so I thought I'd drop by with a quick review for you c:

You've got some really emotional imagery and language in here! I think you do a great job of painting a sad scene and setting a consistent tone throughout. Pulling hair out of the drain is a kind of gross image/idea, when you think about it, but to me that just adds to the sadness and negativity of the poem - and the fact that the speaker doesn't even mention how gross it is, gives me the impression that they're kind of numb and so besides themself they're not even paying much attention to what they're doing.

I think my favourite line has to be "My bones cold against the porcelain" - it makes me imagine the speaker as a skeleton, their bones pressed right up against the sides of the tub, and that's just such a tragic image. If I had one small critique though, it would be that I feel like porcelain is a bit of an overused material in poetry, which to me at least takes a bit of the kick out of the imagery. Something like "enamel" might convey the same idea but be less cliche?

I personally feel this poem could benefit from some more full-stops like periods - without them, I'm not entirely sure where one idea ends and the next starts, especially because you switch between two languages. That is a choice that's up to you, and maybe that's the effect that you're going for, but I thought I'd bring it up just in case. If you're interested, this article gives a more in-depth look at punctuation in poetry!

There are a couple of places where I think line breaks would make the poem even more effective. For example: "And I rack, slipping down into the tub, alone" -> I personally would love it if "alone" were...well, alone on a new line!
Another instance: "And this tub is the street, as I beg for spare change from God" -> this line is significantly longer than the rest and I think it would flow more naturally if it were split in half, so that "as I beg..." is the start of a new line.

I thought it was really clever how you describe the love ("amor") as home, and then the tub as the street - you imply that the narrator feels as awful as if they were kicked out of the house, without actually explicitly saying that. Very effective analogy there!

Overall I think you do a great job of describing the numbness and dejectedness that accompanies heartbreak. This was a nice poem to read, and I hope this review proves useful! If you have any questions about anything I brought up, feel free to ask for clarification ^^

-whatcha

First things first, I love your first two lines. They are intriguing and make you want to read more. There are some confusing lines, but since I am no poetry expert I can't say whether you meant them or not. I feel like somewhere I missed the point. But in a way, I like the wonkiness of the topic and the way you use Spanish words at different intervals. It adds flow and style. I love the shortness of every line, it fits somehow. Don't ask me how. Again I am not a poetry expert, but I do enjoy reading it, and I like the poem. Keep up the amazing work, this is nice. Others may have a more detailed analysis, but since I am no expert on the topic I will leave it at what I know. Until next time.