An unexpected realization struck Destiny’s mind. She would help a children if he was the one who was stuck under the heavy log. She would because it was the humane thing to do. She wasn’t merciless. She wasn’t one that allowed herself to be blinded with the goal she had set to the point where she ignored others who were in need. So what made the dog any different? Wasn’t it just a creature like others - like humans? Closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly, she thought, Damn it all.
She opened her eyes, and focused them on the dog. She strode to it, determined to help it. It didn’t matter if she lost the only clue she had to the ruby if it meant she could maintain the humanity in her. She lifted up the log in front of her with an average effort, looking below it to see the dog struggling to stand up on all four. It finally stood and left the spot under the log. She dropped the log, sucking in a deep breath for holding its heaviness.
She turned her attention to the dog, and went low to inspect it. It didn’t cower from her as it looked at her with its glossy black eyes, and didn’t object when she reached out for its tail. She ran her fingers over the tail’s snow white, and noted the dog didn’t react to her action. It seemed like the pain had left it, then. Satisfied with what she’d done, she stood up and glanced to the location of the blink. It had gone as she had expected it to be the moment she decided to help the dog. She sighed.
She felt a rush of wind, then, and turned to the dog again. Her eyes widened to the unbelievable process enfolding in front of him. The dog became bigger, its fur longer and thicker, its ears more pointed, the shape of its body represented a lion more than a dog. Its hazel skin deepened to a mesmerizing texture of midnight, and the long, thick white line starting below its mouth to its stomach sparkled and a bit bluer as if it was the result of sun’s glitter and snow. Destiny realized the animal she had been staring at now was a full fledge wolf. An usual one at that. She couldn’t conjure up any kind of thinking; her mind was numb.
It stared at her. She was speechless. It took a step closer to her, sensing her frozen state, and opened its mouth. Destiny thought it was going to eat her when it did something more unbelievable than what it already had done--it spoke.
“It seems you have passed the test,” it said with deep, coarse male voice. It turned its head to the location of the blinking light, and nodded slowly. “The trap has almost gotten you. Had you let yourself hunt for it, it would be a never-ending hunt, and you would go to the starting point you had started. You would leave me.” Its attention was back on her.
She willed her feet to make a step back, and it did. The clutch of her basket got tighter, although if she had to run away from this wolf, it’d be better to throw it away--perhaps even better if she threw it to the wolf. It’d be a distraction. She didn’t think she could outrun it, however. Intrigue ruled her mind. What did it mean by her having passed the test anyway? What test? And what trap?
“Who are you?” she said, unpleasant with how her voice trembled. She realized her hands and legs were also trembling slightly.
“I’m Regalia, the Guardian Beast of the North Forest,” it said, layering its voice with firm authority and velvety belonged to a majestic creature.
And Regalia did look majestic, she noticed after a deep intake of breath, with how there was a faint glow enveloping it. If it was the guardian of this forest, wouldn’t it be seeing her as a threat, and should be harming her right now? Did it know she was looking for the ruby? What did it do disguising as a helpless dog here?
“What’re you doing here?” she asked, and was glad to find firmness had started to weave in her voice.
“As I have done in the past, I am to test the wanderers who are looking for the ruby,” it said. “I had seen you from afar, walking for hours with a gaze showing you were searching for something. It did not take long for me to figure it was the ruby you had aimed for. You are not the first human looking for it. You might be the last. It had been a while since your kind resisted from following the light, an illusion I had set up. The fact that you had helped me getting away from the log showed there was a hope for humanity, after all.”
Her eyes widened. It was Regalia who conjured the image of the light, perhaps for a handful of times when it met previous searchers. She would have walked at the light’s direction if it wasn’t because of her part that rationalized and sympathized. Regalia’s words about her being the last searcher stirred some hope in her. If this was a test to get the Ruby of Revenge, and she passed it, did it mean the ruby would be hers?
“I passed the test, didn’t I?” she said, unable to hide the high tone of her excitement at the end of her word.
Regalia nodded slowly. “You did, and so, I have to bring you to the Keeper for your next test,” it said. It turned, showing its broad back to her. “Ride on me. We would go to his house.”
She formed a frown on her face. Another test? Wasn’t this enough to show it humanity still existed, that humans didn’t submit to their greediness? What else did it want from her? She found herself frustrating. By now, Miss Elaine would’ve noticed her disappearance, and Mister Sadeas must had been back. She looked at the sky; it was a a shade of pale blue. Another few hours and night would take reign. How long would she take before she got the ruby? Not to mention, she was following her heart finding the boy’s house--how would she go back home later on? She let out a sigh.
At last, she turned her eyes on Regalia with a firm gaze. “Fine, I’ll go with you. This shouldn’t better be another trap,” she said, approaching its back. She hopped onto it and grabbed its fur for balance. It felt surprisingly smooth like a wool from heaven. She stopped herself from tracing it with her fingers, savoring the warmth that could as well envelop her if she was to spend the night somewhere. “Let’s go to the Keeper’s house, whoever that is.”
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Hi, Lightsong my name is jessiebear and I am here to give you a great review. Oh and if I say any thing rood in this review pleas tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all. Okay lets get started with what can be fixt.
Okay I am going to pick out sections out of your short story and I will say what needs to be fixt okay lets start.
Okay the words witch are in bold are the words that have been corrected.
Okay some of the paragraphs need a little bit more description, and maybe some more feelings. Maybe ad some smell too and some more feelings if you no what I mean if you do that that will give me a much better feeling where we are in the story.
But I like how you are making it more exiting now I just can't what to read the next part.
So that is all thank you.
From your friend jessiebear.
Hello Lightsong,
Pretzel here. I read this next part of your work because of the cliffhanger in the last one and also that I genuinely wanted to read on and know what happen. I'm that type of reviewer, where I generally finish what I start.
I'm happy to report that my feelings on this second part was that it still conveyed a storytale/fairytale sort of feeling to it, which is successfully evoked among the world building that you have conveyed. The thing is, that going to help that dog out from under the log was as unexpected to the reader as it was to Destiny (which is a good thing in and of itself). It's just that, I think that you need to make this MC seem more real, more alive like they actually have specific characteristics and motives. From reading the first part, I know the motives behind Destiny's actions, but for this part I'm not so sure about why she went to help. And sure, if may be some instinct to protect/help animals, but I think to figure this out we need to get to the root cause. While I was reading that first paragraph for example, I am mainly thinking that Destiny could have had a precious dog in her past which she loved... Something to back up that feeling, and you could be more creative than me. This is definitively one way to develop her. Also, as another great resource here is a: Character Development Workshop: Active Modes of Development
That #plottwist was great, I really didn't expect that, I was personally erring more on the side that she was just going to follow the light, or maybe the vicious dog would somehow end up killing her. Not the case though. I just wanted to elaborate off of what Skins said about the reaction of Destiny towards the talking wolf. By the "word connotation" in this text, I feel like you really made it seem that Regalia is there to help, there to guide, etc. You did a great job of showing that through your word choice, the problem is that Destiny had an overblown reaction of fear (in my opinon.) Maybe you could clean that up a little bit and make it represent more of surprise and wonder (that might seemt to be more fitting for this situation.)
The way that this sentence was written made no sense to me at all, and so what I wanted to point out is that maybe you could make one word different. Make sure that your plurals make sense, because a second I thought that they might be multiple dogs.
That line/thing about having a hope for humanity's compassion felt kind of cliche and not on a solid basis. I mean, Regalia made this seem like huge deal, like she has been waiting for this for a long time. When, put it in perspective, I feel like all Destiny really wanted if for the children to be safe and the S guy owner to not take care of them and not control them in a wicked way anymore. Like, her motives were selfish for a good cause, so I guess that not only is this cliche, but I think that Regalia could actually leaves the thoughts of not giving up the hope of humanity to herself.
Your description here of Regalia is beautiful. I literally feel like I can imagine riding on her back, or seeing her transform right in front of my eyes. The only thing that you could probably make better in that specific paragraph, is making that moment last a bit longer in your writing. You're pacing is great, but the process must have taken longer than four sentences, right?
I feel like this is a mediocre cliffhanger, because although I would want to keep on reading, it's because I want to see what happens next, not because of this sentence. In my opinion, Destiny hesitates a tad too little, dismisses that from her numb brain a bit too quickly to my liking, because instead of being a bit more cautious or worried, you end the story here with her ready to go and explore. Sure that feature of adventure draws me in, but I think that it could be made even more powerful with an overhanging sense of fear.
That's all that I have. Please post the next part if you can.
Until Next Time,
~P.S.
Hello! beautiful story!
My first thoughts are wondering whether this story continues, and if we ever get to find out if she gets the Ruby! There is a cliffhanger at the end, and tho whole story is still a bit shady to me. there were a lot of hints and not much straightforward explanation. I like fantasy writing, and you've created a very whimsical world here, and more detail would enjoyable and helpful in showing depth. I also felt like i didn't know the speaker very well, in motives, background, and even appearance. More detail here would help the reader to better understand and connect to the writing.
I noticed that you call Regalia it, and I was wondering that since Regalia is personified many times if you might want to call it she, and her. This is what I would expect, personally, but just an idea.
Something that stuck out to me was how dramatically the attitude of the main character changes from start to finish. first she seems like the honorable citizen type, caring, and selfless. She gives up something important to her in order to help another, forgetting herself and her own wants. Than at the end, she gets frustrated at not having the Ruby, greedy and rude. this is confusing because the way I thought I knew the character is not concrete. ALLTHOUGH, i took this violent change as a symbol of the human nature, our tendency to become frustrated and competitive, and the inevitability of that.
All in all, its a beautiful idea, and I hope you continue to shape and improve it!
-Penelope
Me again!
I can already tell that I'm going to be super useless here, so be prepared.
Okay, so I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. I remember the pace of your story being a bit of an issue for me in the last part, but I don't feel it here at all so I'm super happy about that. The fairytale vibe is still strong and entertaining, and I didn't mention this in the last review but I'm quite fussy with fairytale-esque stories, so the fact I'm fond of yours is a good sign! I also feel like a nonce because I thought the dog was the trap, when in reality it was the glimmer of light #plottwist . But yus, a very fun read, and I look forward to the next part!
As previously noted, this review may be lacking because I honestly can't think of many critiques for you. One thing I did question was Destiny's reaction to the dog-to-wolf transformation, more specifically to Regalia revealing that she had avoided the trap and all that. Regalia clearly stated that she had done the right thing, that he was a good guy e.t.c. yet Destiny got all panicky and wanted to run for the hills. This seemed kind of weird to me. I mean, yeah, in fairness if this big-ass black wolf thing starts talking to you then you're going to be a bit freaked, but it just seemed so obvious that he was a 'good guy' that Destiny's panic just made her seem kind of dumb. I mean, if anything she should've been more scared when getting the log off it because it had it's creepy black eyes and what not. I don't know, it just seemed odd to me that she reacted like that. A little suspicious, yes, but to me her reaction was a tad extreme.
The only other thing I really have to say to you is in regards to Destiny herself, and this is a repeat from my last review so I apologise for that in advance. I just think it's an important aspect of the story, so it's worth repeating. Basically, I still don't feel like I know Destiny, and she still seems somewhat wooden. It's better, don't get me wrong, as we can see that she's compassionate and brave due to her reaction to the wolf/dog. I think it's because we don't know anything about her i.e. why she's in the children's home in the first place. As I always say, I don't want any info-dump to happen where you tell us where, when, how, why she was born, but knowing a little about her past helps form a lot more empathy with a character. I won't dwell on this because I've already discussed it and I don't want to bore you with repetition, but it's definitely something you should think about.
So yeah, that's it. Super useless, I know, but hopefully I've helped you in some shape or form. I do hope that you continue writing this and post more because I'm very interested in finding out what will happen from here. Notify me when you do! Any questions, comments, queries e.t.c. just let me know
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins