Ruby of Revenge [Part 1]

In Destiny’s mind, she knew with unfaltering clarity the Ruby of Revenge held the solution to the trouble the children and she were having in the orphanage. With it, she could summon strength for her to wield and became the savior the children needed. This was the only way; the only path she could take. She would stop Mister Sadeas’s reign of terror, and provide a better future for them. One that was free from abusion or starvation; a happy one that lasted.

Following that, one day, she waited until Mister Sadeas set his feet off the orphanage to go to the nearest bar at the south of the small town in order to get himself drunk. It was one of his daily routine, and she would use it to her advantage. She had told the children about her venture to the forest located at the town’s north where people had been rumoring about as the place of Ruby of Revenge. They agreed to keep silence in front of Miss Elaine, Mister Sadeas’s wife, and the sole caretaker that took care of them. Destiny knew Miss Elaine objected the ways her husband treated the children, but kept her silence since he was the only breadwinner of the orphanage.

The children crowded Miss Elaine, and she was too absorbed on handling each of them to notice Destiny sneaking out of the house through the front door, wearing a dark navy hood to cover her physical features. She covered her head with it, concealing the strawberry, long blond hair she had. She closed the door quietly from outside, and made her first step to the forest, a place with few visitors due to the rumors of it being inhabited by beasts and strange creatures.

She was not afraid of that. It was all rumours - they might as well just serve to spice everyday mundane conversation. In her mind, the children’s - and her - well-beings were her first priority, and she held tighter the basket she had snatched from the kitchen beforehand, stealing a few breads from there to be filled inside the basket. As she arrived to the forest, she could see thick trees lining up in front of her like scattered, erect long hairs, threatening her with their grave silence and branches shaped like twisted claws.

Shots of sunlight passed through the branches, leaving patches of shadows on the bare, soily ground. The ground was uneven with some parts softer than the others as the result to last night’s rain. Despite the air’s faint coolness, the afternoon was hot due to the scorching heat radiating from above, forcing Destiny to wipe her forehead and cheeks free from sweats. As she delved deeper into the heart of the forest, songs of the crickets followed her, breaking the silence with their monotonous sounds.

She went through with it, and stepped past the branches and twigs on the ground. Sometimes, she encountered beautiful bed of flowers with colours ranging from red to yellow and blue to green, but as she passed through it, her hood was tangled with their branches, allowing others to stuck their thorns into her thin brown pants. As she emerged from the bed of roses, she could feel the tingling pain of scars on her thighs.

The rumour had said to find a small house in the forest, and a young boy lived inside it. He would be the key to finding the Ruby of Revenge. As she walked through the forest for a couple of hours - encountering a few rabbits hopping around and deer that ran the instant it saw her, frustration began to build in her chest like stones falling there. After eating her first bun, she wondered whether the rumor was true or not. Even the part about beasts and monsters was doubtful as she had seen none. At the end, she decided she was not going to give up as she was halfway to getting the ruby.

After a few minutes, she saw, then, a wild dog stuck under a log as huge as a chest between the dark green bushes. Its skin was hazel, with a milky white starting from under its mouth to its stomach. It barked loudly, sounding sad to Destiny. She could see its back legs scratching the ground away, hoping to push its tail out of the log. The log was too heavy, however, since it was twice as big as the dog, and probably thrice as heavier.

Pity seeped into Destiny as she watched the dog’s bark turned lower and slower as seconds went by; its sharp sound melted into a wistful one. She was about to take a step closer to it when she saw at her side, the outline of the trees. Above it, shady mountains and a rather tiny, snow light blinking in between could be seen from afar. She gasped - it was just like the rumour had said. There would be a time when a twinkling light appears, signaling the location of the boy’s house.

It would fade within seconds.

The rush of thoughts came swirling to her mind like a furious tornado, spiraling and spiraling like a desperate nature spirit. This - this was her opportunity! She just had to go to it - it shouldn’t be that hard. She only needed to use a straight path that would lead her to it, and she’d arrive, she’d meet the boy, and he would give the ruby or tell her its location - whichever was fine to her! The children - they could be saved. She too could be saved and - and Mr. Sadeas would cease!

Her feet, which was about to move in front, moved a bit to her left - to the direction of the light. She was about to start walking when she heard, again, the low yelp of the dog. She dared to look at it - one last time, she thought - when she saw it lied there like a dying animal, its chest visibly rising and falling. It had stopped struggling and was still. When she shifted her focus from its chest way to its head, her eyed widened.

Its eyes black eyes, devoid of any sparkle of hope or determination, were staring straight at her. They pierced her straight to her soul, and she couldn’t help but to wonder whether it could understand what was going on - whether it could understand what was in her mind and heart. She looked away, glimmering liquid gathering in her eyelids, to the blinking light. It was fading, and the mountains were getting shadier, close to disappearing from mortal eyes. She had to decide.

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Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:14 pm

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BrumalHunter wrote a review...

Salutations!

So, I'm finally here! I know you'd prefer that I review the part that has only one review on it, not seven, but I'd like to have the context if I'm going to do a more thorough job than on Review Days, for example. The first half of the review will consist of notes, which are points concerning technical matters, whereas the second half will consist of impressions, which are self-explanatory.

Notes

1. A relatively short part, yay! This makes it more convenient for procrastinators like me to remember they promised to write at least one review on a given day and to keep said promise. It also helps attract other potential reviewers, especially during Review Day.

2. The second sentence in paragraph one has "became" instead of "become". This is past tense, true, but when auxilary verbs (could, would, etc.) are involved, the finite verb becomes present tense.

3. When a word ends with the letter s, such as in Mister Sadeas, there doesn't need to be an s after the possessive apostrophe; it's usually left out, but I can't say with absolute certainty that it must be left out.

4. Take care to use nouns in their plural forms where necessary, such as in the second sentence of the second paragraph. (Hint: routine.)

5. One can make a venture into a forest, but not to.

6. A caretaker by definition takes care of people/things/places, so saying as much serves as much purpose as saying a circle is round.

7. "Crowded" is an intransitive verb, meaning it can't have an object.

8. "Strawberry blond" and "long" are the two adjectival phrases you had meant to use in the third paragraph, but you ended up with "strawberry" and "long blond", so take care to note the word order.

9. If the breads are "filled inside the basket", rather than "filling the basket", it means the breads themselves have filling. I suggest just saying the basket contained breads stolen from the kitchen, since it shortens the sentence and removes any awkward phrasing.

10. One arrives at a place, not to.

11. When it comes to the sunlight that filters through the canopy, I believe "shafts" are the term most frequently used. You must have confused "shots" with this, since they sound similar.

12. It seems you use "to" instead of prepositions such as "at", "of", "into", etc. Perhaps it would be beneficial to research prepositions and be sure of when which ones should be used.

13. I'll be less specific with the notes henceforth, since there are already too many for my liking. Anyway, if an afternoon is hot, then it could be because of light intensity and humidity, sure, but generally, the light and x-rays heat the air. If the air is cool, it must come from a place with less heat, such as an ocean breeze.

14. One moves through a location or room, but goes through with a plan.

15. You still struggle with the singular and plural form of nouns, but it seems pronouns also suffer from that confusion. When you refer to a noun that can be either singular or plural, you should know which it is in the context and choose the appropriate pronoun. Oh, and verbs. Those also need to conform to the singular or plural form.

Impressions

1. You may want to write shorter sentences. The longer a sentence, the more complicated its structure and the higher the risk of making it sound awkward, long-winded, or simply confusing.

2. I only realised at the end of the second paragraph Destiny was also an orphan. This would be fine if I wasn't already under the impression that she was the owner. Beware of using words like "saviour" which would imply this. Although, I'm doubting whether she's actually an orphan by the time I get to the fourth paragraph, since she's referred to the orphans as "children" several times already, which would be odd if she's a child herself. I recommend providing some clarity as to this.

3. Why does Destiny require the Ruby of Revenge? Right now, we have limited knowledge of her and the orphans' situation, but isn't seeking out a legendary gem/artefact a little extreme?

4. Your description of the forest contradicts itself. In a place where trees look like long hairs or claws, there isn't likely to be nutritious soul, which means roses won't likely grow there.

5. I don't currently understand the relevance of the dog in the situation. I assume it's some sort of test, but there is too much going on. It feels like we, the readers, are overwhelmed with information concerning rumours, powerful items, sinister forest, and the like, but with none of those being explained thoroughly. Maybe you could tone down the quantity and improve on the quality of these tidbits?

I think that last point summarised the review adequately. There are many grammatical errors, but my main concern is how disorganised and rushed this feels. I think you might have too many ideas and didn't know how to implement them all, so presented one and then rapidly moved on to the next. Start with improving the clarity before worrying about anything else.

Hopefully it won't be too long before I come back to this series of short story parts. Good luck with the writing in the meantime!

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Thu Jun 09, 2016 1:40 am

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Pompadour wrote a review...

Hey there.

I saw part four to this sequence hanging out in the Green Room and thought I'd drop by to review! That said, I'm pretty rusty on reviewing, so excuse my choppiness, please~

One of the first things that I noticed was that the prose is sometimes ... unwieldy. It extrapolates on a single concept and gives unnecessary details where conciseness would suffice. Example:

With it, she could summon strength for her to wield and became the savior the children needed.

So, in so far, Destiny is a] summoning strength, b] wielding, and c] using the ruby's power to become a saviour. Wielding the power of the ruby automatically implies that the user will somehow be using its powers (AKA 'strength'), so stating it separately is totally unneeded. Here's how I'd edit this sentence, though of course you may meddle with it as you will!

She was certain she could save the children if only the ruby fell into her possession, its power hers to wield.

Or, 'With the ruby's power in her hands, she was certain she could use it for good', and all other variants, etc. etc. Just scour your sentences and check to see what points they're getting across to avoid redundancy: it'll help get rid of possible runaway sentences and give each sentence a more defined, stronger structure.

Similarly, you could edit...

Mister Sadeas’s wife, and the sole caretaker that took care of them.

...to simply read as: 'Mister Sadeas's wife, their sole caretaker'.

This was the only way; the only path she could take.

Incorrectly-used semicolon. A comma would be more appropriate here. Check this article on semicolons out.

I'd also advise sticking a 'that' after 'path' to act as a relativiser; it'd also make the sentence flow a lot smoother.

Following that, one day, she waited until Mister Sadeas set his feet off the orphanage to go to the nearest bar at the south of the small town in order to get himself drunk.

This bit that I quoted here is pretty unclear. The way it reads now might be interpreted as the narrator saying that Destiny waited to go get drunk until after Mr Sadeas had left the orphanage--which, as 'himself' so clearly tells us, isn't the case. I'd advise rehashing this sentence

I quite enjoyed the description of Destiny walking through the forest. It was rather vivid and I enjoyed how you incorporated many of the normally-sidelined senses (touch and sound). Good job! I am also appreciative of the way you immediately brought the main conflict of the novel into play, and also parried it with a sub-conflict.

However, a lot of the happenings are pretty sudden and vague, and the manner with which Destiny set off to find the ruby echoed of Little Red Riding Hood a she set foot into the forest. Similarly, the dog, although not playing the role of a wolf, indicated a hindrance in her path, a deviation from her original trail of pursuit. The simplicity with which the ideas are conveyed is very Grimm Brothers-esque, and I'm ... kind of not sure whether that's doing good things for the novel, at this point, or not. I feel like some internal dialogue wouldn't go amiss, and I wouldn't mind getting a clearer view of the situation either. Like, how exactly is the ruby supposed to help Destiny? How does she know about it? If it's not information known to the general public, how on earth did she find out about its whereabouts? Did she buy the information, bribe it out of someone, or blackmail people to get it? And if there are rumours that so clearly outline, or even hint, at where the ruby is and what it does, shouldn't more people be trying to get their hands on it?

Also, does Destiny know what kind of power the ruby contains? Does she know how to use it, or hasn't she thought that far yet? What will she do once she gets the ruby--kill Mister Sadeas and Miss Elaine? How exactly will she liberate the kids? And how are the kids tortured? We simply glided by the subject of their torture, labelling it as starvation, but I'd like to feel some more emotion, actually get a feel of Destiny + the kids' situation so that I can truly root for her. The exposition still needs some work; as it stands right now, it's rather bare.

On emotion! I feel like we don't get inside Destiny's head as much as we should. The perspective the chapter is written in is Third Person Limited, but I feel like it isn't being utilised to its full advantage. This is more so during the first half of this chapter than the second half, where the narrator begins to settle into the flow of narration. During revision, I'd suggest fleshing out the exposition some more, to create balance.

I'd also advocate some character-interaction in the first half of the chapter, mostly because that way, the narrator wouldn't have to /tell/ us a lot of things when they could be shown to us.

I'll get to the second part of this sequence soon. Apologies for the rather sparse review, but I should quit dawdling and head to bed.

I hope this helped! Keep writing!

~Pomp

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Sun May 29, 2016 12:05 pm

FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi, Lightsong my name is jessiebear and I am here to give you a great review. Oh and if I say any thing rood in this review pleas tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all. Okay lets get started with what can be fixt.

Okay I am going to pick out sections out of your work and I will say what needs to be fixt okay lets start.

Okay the words witch are in bold are the words that have been corrected.

In Destiny’s mind, she knew with unfaltering clarity the Ruby of Revenge held the solution to the trouble the children and she were having in the orphanage. With it, she could summon strength for her to wield and became the saviour the children needed. This was the only way; the only path she could take. She would stop Mister Sadeas’s reign of terror, and provide a better future for them. One that was free from abusion or starvation; a happy one that lasted.

Following that, one day, she waited until Mister Sadeas set his feet off the orphanage to go to the nearest bar at the south of the small town in order to get himself drunk. It was one of his daily routine, and she would use it to her advantage. She had told the children about her venture to the forest located at the town’s north where people had been rumouring about as the place of Ruby of Revenge. They agreed to keep silence in front of Miss Elaine, Mister Sadeas’s wife, and the sole caretaker that took care of them. Destiny knew Miss Elaine objected the ways her husband treated the children, but kept her silence since he was the only breadwinner of the orphanage.

The children crowded Miss Elaine, and she was too absorbed on handling each of them to notice Destiny sneaking out of the house through the front door, wearing a dark navy hood to cover her physical features. She covered her head with it, concealing the strawberry, long blond hair she had. She closed the door quietly from outside, and made her first step to the forest, a place with few visitors due to the rumors of it being inhabited by beasts and strange creatures.

Okay Some were in here I think you can do a little bit more description like what did the orphanage look like are what did Mister Sadeas look like some thing like that to give me a better picketer. Okay moving on.

She was not afraid of that. It was all rumours - they might as well just serve to spice everyday mundane conversation. In her mind, the children’s - and her - well-beings were her first priority, and she held tighter the basket she had snatched from the kitchen beforehand, stealing a few breads from there to be filled inside the basket. As she arrived to the forest, she could see thick trees lining up in front of her like scattered, erect long hairs, threatening her with their grave silence and branches shaped like twisted claws.

Hmm and maybe you can tell us one of the rumours in this paragraph. :wink:

Just saying.

I am now going to show you what I liked about your chapter.

I love the title you have given your story I think it soots it very well.

I all so liked the characters to they have very good personalities.

Okay now I am going to show you my most fevered part in the story.

Shots of sunlight passed through the branches, leaving patches of shadows on the bare, soily ground. The ground was uneven with some parts softer than the others as the result to last night’s rain. Despite the air’s faint coolness, the afternoon was hot due to the scorching heat radiating from above, forcing Destiny to wipe her forehead and cheeks free from sweats. As she delved deeper into the heart of the forest, songs of the crickets followed her, breaking the silence with their monotonous sounds.

She went through with it, and stepped past the branches and twigs on the ground. Sometimes, she encountered beautiful bed of flowers with colours ranging from red to yellow and blue to green, but as she passed through it, her hood was tangled with their branches, allowing others to stuck their thorns into her thin brown pants. As she emerged from the bed of roses, she could feel the tingling pain of scars on her thighs.

These two paragraphs were the best. They were really well described sand a saw every thing in my head so well done!!

Her feet, which was about to move in front, moved a bit to her left - to the direction of the light. She was about to start walking when she heard, again, the low yelp of the dog. She dared to look at it - one last time, she thought - when she saw it lied there like a dying animal, its chest visibly rising and falling. It had stopped struggling and was still. When she shifted her focus from its chest way to its head, her eyed widened.

Its eyes black eyes, devoid of any sparkle of hope or determination, were staring straight at her. They pierced her straight to her soul, and she couldn’t help but to wonder whether it could understand what was going on - whether it could understand what was in her mind and heart. She looked away, glimmering liquid gathering in her eyelids, to the blinking light. It was fading, and the mountains were getting shadier, close to disappearing from mortal eyes. She had to decide.

Now these two paragraphs were very exiting this was when I really wanted to keep on reading un till you finished the chapter and that is really good because I just wanted to keep on reading than you stoped the chapter and you left me hanging so that is really good.

So that is all thank you.

I hope you will keep on righting great work. I am looking for word to reading more of your of your fantastic work. I hope you have a great day are night.

From your friend jessiebear.

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Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:29 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Hello Lightsong, Pretzel here!
I know that I said that I would write your review today, and I fully plan to. Anyways, thank you for requesting from my thread, and let's just get straight into this, shall we? After reading this over two times in two separate days I am here to deliver my review of your work.

In Destiny’s mind, she knew with unfaltering clarity the Ruby of Revenge held the solution to the trouble the children and she were having in the orphanage.

I really wanted to get into this fantasy world that you have built, believe me, I really did want to. The only reason why I probably didn't submerge myself is. You start off with an obvious immediate solution, and although this is a hook, I think that the entrance was timed a bit too suddenly. You throw phrases like "only way, only action" and "she knew with clarity", etc. And the problem that presents itself with this technique, is right off the bat the protagonist is so sure, that she actually believes like there are no other choices, and no other ways to get to the same solution. That basically already make this cliche and boring in the reader's eyes, because if Destiny already knows the solution, then what are we here reading for?

So, with this Mister Sadeas rule going on, I think that you are trying to make the reader feel a little bit more sympathetic to the character of Destiny. And while I am a little bit, in that same token I have never been in that rough situation that she was. If you could provide at least a little bit more detail, or description to enlighten to readers on the situation, then that would be a great idea to do so. Honestly, if you want us to feel even more empathy, tell us something more of her and the others daily life, that way we can get a little bit more inside look of motif, like: why is she running away to get this "ruby of revenge" anyways?

Next, the plot seems a little bit too predictable. Like, I know that this is a myth/legend, but so far you haven't really twisted anything to make it seem a little bit different, it's just like Destiny is following this trail of the legend without any of her own troubles/hardships along the way. Throw in some action there for the short story, twist the plot in an unexpected corner, etc. Now, that may have happened in the second part, I don't know. I 'm just saying that it's ok to experiment in your writing.

In her mind, the children’s - and her - well-beings were her first priority

I don't know why, but at this place I felt like Destiny was maybe a little bit out of character. I guess that she just for a minutes got too serious, stopped acting like a child, and said something very cliche, that she probably didn't really mean. After all, what did she do about this before, when she observed the normal routine of Mister getting drunk? I guess that I saw that this suggested that she is wiser beyond her years, so I was wondering how old she was? (adding that little detail could clarify a lot.)

She was not afraid of that. It was all rumours - they might as well just serve to spice everyday mundane conversation

The rumour had said to find a small house in the forest, and a young boy lived inside it.

She gasped - it was just like the rumour had said.

So, I have spotted an inconsistency with the context and the feelings that Destiny has towards rumours. First she says that she's not afraid of them, because they basically mean nothing to her, and then later on in two instances she acts like she actually believes them. What's going on here? I know that this is narration, but I guess that I just don't understand why/if Destiny would change her mind so quickly.

The rush of thoughts came swirling to her mind like a furious tornado, spiraling and spiraling like a desperate nature spirit.

Repetition is not your friend in this case, because it just got boring. Cut one or the other one out. Choose the stronger metaphor, in this case is basically what I'm saying.

were staring straight at her. They pierced her straight to her soul,

Again, this repetition really gets to the reader. It's a bit overdone, cliche, not necessary. Cut out, trim it off, decide which one is better for you.

She had to decide.

That last sentence didn't really do it for me. It just seems like it's a statement, a fact, not a cliffhanger that is actually supposed to leave on the edge of my seat reading on. In fact, I wouldn't care to read on, because obviously she has to make a choice. I've been waiting for that from the beginning.

Basically to sum up, what I did like about this were your delightful descriptions about her walk in the woods, even though it isn't just a casual walk, you did try your best to include colors and plants and vegetation and thorns, etc. And I really appreciate that in a work, so thumbs up for specifically that; Keep it up!

I hope that this helped you improve, and if you have any questions, or want me to elaborate on anything, then please feel free to let me know and I will try my best to make it happen!

Until Next Time:

~P.S.

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review!

The reason why I gave her the solution so soon was because there would be challenges to actually get the ruby. The focus on this story was actually how Destiny would confront Sadeas, and how there was a solution much closer to her than the Ruby--but of course, I can't say much more.

The part about repetitions is on point though, thanks for noticing those!

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Tue Feb 16, 2016 11:51 pm

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Carlito wrote a review...

Hello!! Here as requested!

I'm going to get right into the good stuff and then talk more generally at the end.

In Destiny’s mind, she knew with unfaltering clarity the Ruby of Revenge held the solution to the trouble the children and she were having in the orphanage.

I'm going back and forth with this opening line. On the one hand, it's an interesting way of starting us off - telling the reader what the problem is and what can be done about it. It gives a little insight into who the narrator is because you've named her and there is an orphanage involved and she wants to help.
On the flip side, this opening line raises a lot of questions. Questions are obviously good at the start of a story because it will help keep the reader reading so their questions will be answered. But, there is a thin line between peaking interest and raising too many questions and confusing the reader.
I'm not confused, but I feel a bit overwhelmed with information and things to think about. Destiny knows with "unfaltering clarity" what the solution to her problem is - the Ruby of Revenge. How does she know this so clearly? How did she come to know this? What is this Ruby? How could a Ruby help her troubles? She and the children are having "trouble". What kind of trouble? Involving who? When did it start? What else has she tried? There is an orphanage. How did she get there? Why is she there? What is it like? Etc.
Obviously you have an entire novel to answer all of these questions (and more) and it's a good thing to raise so many questions just in one line. But I think you could simplify this a bit. You've given us the problem and the solution. I only want the problem right now.

This opening chapter felt a bit tell-y at times and like you're setting up the story and the conflict. I want to be thrown right in. I love that you got right into the solution to the problem and what it's going to take to get that solution, but I want a better grasp of the problem first.

Personally, I want more of the "before". I want to see what life is like at this orphanage is like and who Destiny is and what this problem really looks like. That way, I have some context and I'm on her side like yeah this really is a problem - let's do something! At the end of this Destiny could still introduce what the solution to the problem is and what she's planning on doing about it, but before we get there, I want to feel like I have a really good understanding of what the problem is.

(So much for doing specifics first.... We've covered one sentence and then I went into a tangent... Moving on

)

Following that, one day, she waited until Mister Sadeas set his feet off the orphanage to go to the nearest bar at the south of the small town in order to get himself drunk.

This confused me a bit the first time I read it. So this event is happening on a different day than the day Destiny decided she needs the Ruby of Revenge to complete her mission? If that's the case, I would make it a new chapter or separate it from the previous scene with a space or line break or something. To me, that makes the transition a bit clearer that there are two different scenes from two different days happening here.

As she arrived to the forest, she could see thick trees lining up in front of her like scattered, erect long hairs, threatening her with their grave silence and branches shaped like twisted claws.

You did a really nice job of describing and providing narration throughout this whole chapter! I think this was one of your biggest strengths of the chapter and you have definitely improved in this area!

Overall, I thought this was a pretty solid start. You have a really interesting premise here. The biggest thing I think you should be mindful of is not getting lost in your descriptions. Your descriptions/narrations are really great and the writing itself is strong (like some of the strongest I've read from you!)

Just don't forget that this is the first chapter, and you also need to lay a foundation for us. All of this chapter is narration and description and telling. There is no dialogue or really much showing.

I think backing up a bit and showing us what the problem is (like I mentioned before) would really help and slowing down a bit about how she found out about the Ruby - like where did the rumors come from, how did she hear them, why does she believe in it? would help too. I'm glad you gave us the catalyst and got the plot started in the first chapter, but I would personally appreciate more foundation first. This story definitely has potential though, so don't stop writing it!

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!

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Tue Jan 19, 2016 8:23 pm

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Sins wrote a review...

Hey there Lightsong, I'm here per request!

So I really liked this. I adore the whole fairytale vibe you've got going on, and the cliffhanger you have at the end here is both super original and super tense. Your writing style is very smooth, too, and you've got a good balance of descriptions and moving the story along. From what we've been shown of it so far, the plot for this story seems to be high on originality, and it's definitely entertaining. I look forward to finding out where you take this, and what Destiny choses to do! (the dog is totally a trap, she better not fall for it)

In regards to critiques, I think the main thing that bothered me here was how suddenly everything happened. I understand that this is a short story so you don't have heaps of space, and as someone who generally reads novels this is a biased perspective, but I want you to flesh things out a bit more. I don't want to know every single thing Destiny has ever done, but I want to get more of a feel for her and her situation. As of now, to put it bluntly, I don't really care for the fact she's an orphan living in a horrible place. You've told us how awful it is, how mean the staff there are e.t.c. but we've not seen this horrible stuff happen. Even if you just tell a brief, paragraph long at most story of 'this one time when Sadeas...' e.t.c. That way, you'll build more sympathy towards the children of the orphanage because as it stands, we just know that their lives kind of suck, and that's not really enough.

This next critique kind of relates to what I just said, but basically I want to empathise with Destiny a bit more. As of now, she's a little... wooden. Except for the obvious reason of because she's the one going on the journey, why is she the protagonist? What makes her so interesting? All I can really gather at the moment is that she must be quite brave for sneaking out of the house and searching for the ruby, but other than that I can't really see any personality traits. I realise this is a short section of the overall story, but as you've moved the story forward so much within such a short space of time you need to ensure your characters' personalities keep up with such a pace. Am I making any sense? I just want to feel like I know Destiny, and as of now I don't really feel like I do.

Okay this isn't really a critique, I'm just confused: why did Destiny take a basket full of bread? I'm going to guess it'll become important later on, but it just seemed so random... Is it some Hansel and Gretel thing? Whatever the case, maybe a really brief explanation, or even just a hint, at why she has done so as she does so would go down a treat. I realise this is hardly important, but little things bother me

The only other thing I have to critique is the pace of this story, which again actually kind of ties in to the first critique about a lack of 'feel for the situation'. Part of me feels like you're moving things a bit too fast. As previously stated, I don't want you to info-dump me with Destiny's life story or anything, but maybe slow things down a little so that we as readers can get our heads around this world we've been transported to. Even if it means elongating this whole story, it'll definitely be worth it if doing so creates a more even pace. For example, it felt like one moment she was leaving the orphanage and the next she was in the middle of the forest. Did she sneak through the town (or whatever kind of place the orphanage is in) in the shadows of the buildings to avoid suspicion? Just adding tiny details like this can slow the pace down without having to elongate the story heaps. Ya get me?

Critiques aside, I very much enjoyed this. Like I said at the beginning of this review, your writing style is so pleasant to read, and overall your grammar and what not is pretty on point. You had some phrasing issues, so I would suggest you read this out loud to yourself to pick those up, but as a whole it wasn't at all distracting and you had a good flow going on. I am really looking forward to finding out where this story will go, and I'm a little afraid for Destiny because I don't trust that dog one bit... Kick it. Kick it and run, I say.

Any questions regarding this review, just shoot them at me via a reply to this review (or a PM or something, I ain't fussy).

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

(I'm going to look like such an ass if the dog is genuinely poor and innocent)

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review! Definitely agree with all your points. Destiny takes the basket full of bread because... she'd need to eat later while searching for the ruby, as you can see. That's all. xD

Sins says...

That's a very fair point. As you can tell, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed

Lightsong says...

Hahaha, it's okay. I understand if you relate it to some other fairy tales.

Points: 415
Reviews: 3

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Sun Jan 17, 2016 4:29 pm

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Seipa wrote a review...

Hello, Lightsong! Here's your review, as promised!

Alright. This is part one of this piece? I think it needs to start somewhere else.
Not that the first paragraph didn't make me want to read more. It totally submerges me in the world you've got going here. But I think you should start from further back. Maybe start with Destiny's regular routine- what she does at the orphanage. Does she have chores to do? Does she have roommates? Before you can fit the whole 'hero' business in this, you need to solidify the current surroundings, and how Destiny reacts to them. That way, we know who our hero is, our main character.
I also think you should clarify how bad Mr. Sadeas is- not only the way he acts(although that's very important, obviously), but also the way he looks. That's a great way to make him even more of a villain. Maybe the guy's feet smell, and his hair is scraggly. Maybe he has a bit sweaty potbelly from all that beer. I want to know the real conditions of the orphanage, and why the kids can't escape it without the help of some magical gem.
I think Mrs. Elaine needs a lot more filling out. How can such a nice person be so powerless to stop her husband? Is she being abused? Does she really care about the children? Is she just WEAK? There has to be a reason that she is being so ignorant.
Also, since she's the caretaker of the kids, technically she's the breadwinner. Right?

I like the last part, though, when Destiny starts going on her little mission thing. You have great descriptions. My biggest problem with it is that I think you're really eager to move forward with the plot and so you rush it. So I advise that you look the story over and think about what parts don't make sense to the reader unless you expand on them. For example, write about how Destiny heard about the Ruby of Revenge and why she thinks, of all people, that she can retrieve it.

Alrighty, that's what I've got. Sorry if I was harsh. But I think you have a really good thing going here! Really great bones. You just have to expand, expand, EXPAND upon it, and it's going to shape up to a real nice story.

Hope I helped!

Seipa

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review! It's very helpful.

I meant to say Elaine took care of the children's wellbeing - clothes, foods, etc. - and Sadeas was the source for money.

You're right about the rushing thing. It is just that there'd be much more after this thaf I didn't think about Destiny's daily routines. I guess I'd expand more on further revising, but right now I want to make sure I can actually finish this. xD Once again, thanks!

Seipa says...

No problem! Glad to help

Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

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Fri Jan 15, 2016 11:21 pm

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erilea wrote a review...

Heya, Lightsong! You need a review? Well, if you don't, I'm here for one. I suppose you can't argue.

The first nitpick I saw was this. You've already said that Miss Elaine is the sole caretaker, and then you say that she took care of them. It's kind of repetitive and useless info, so if you take it off the sentence that could help.

"They agreed to keep silence in front of Miss Elaine, Mister Sadeas’s wife, and the sole caretaker that took care of them"

Surprise--I couldn't find any other nitpicks! *gasp* So...

PRAISE!

Your ending was extremely suspenseful, which is a good element in a story. The fact that she's deciding whether to help a dog or pursue a legend evinces her kindness really well. How you show the character's traits and emotions without telling the reader... I'm still working on that. So overall, I would rate this an 8/10. Nice, Lightsong!

XOX,
Artemis28

Young Writers Society

Ruby of Revenge [Part 1]

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