ohhithere.
I'm disappearing for a week tomorrow, so wanted to get to this now to avoid making you wait ages. Either that, or my cheese brain would end up forgetting about this entirely after that week.
The door was cracked open by a man in his early thirties with pale face andahair as red as fire.
Knowing this, Evelyn knew she had to help him somehow.
The repetition of know(ing) isn't really needed, it's just redundant. Either cut out Knowing this or knew she.
‘I would help you,’ she said. She had seen River as her brother she knew she couldn’t lose. She refused to have a second thought about this. The stone makers were all she had; they, to her, were family. A thought came to her mind. ‘I would try to ask for help from the other five.’
River smiled. ‘I was hoping for you to say that, although there was a part of me that didn’t want you to get involved. Dealing with the king is a dangerous act.’
Even though the story is in past tense, the dialogue should be present. You slipped up with that here!
Selena shrugged. ‘Remember we’re doing this for River, brother. I hope we’re still alive at the end of it.’
It sounds a lot better than this here.
You've got yourself a nice bit of writing here, I must say. I'm super curious to see how this fits in with the other short (though some connections are obvious, of course). You haven't posted the whole of Ruby of Revenge, right? Unless this short will overlap with that... Hmmmm. This makes me ever more curious. It's awesome that we're getting more background into the stone, and it'll be interesting to find out if Destiny's path will cross with Evelyn and co's. Some of the imagery you have here is lovely, and generally speaking, your pace and flow is good. I did spot some phrasing issues and what not, but I pointed all those out to you, and they were hardly detrimental. It'd be interesting to know if this is a prequel or a sequel (if either) to Ruby of Revenge, so yus, all very intriguing!
I'll start my critiques with something minor that can be fixed with ease. The transition from the first scene to the second is awkward. One moment, Evelyn is speaking to River in his place, and the next everyone has met up and are about to set off on their quest. Probably partly due to the fact I'm a confused mess, it took me a while to realise the setting had actually changed. Nonetheless, I think it's at least a little awkward, regardless of my confusableness (100% a word ok, sh). Even just throwing in a scene divided (i.e. a * between the two scenes) would go down a charm. Some people don't like using those, though, so if that is the case with you, try making the narrative smoother in the transition.
In terms of plot and realism, generally, you're great to go. Everything was believable and realistic (well, as realistic as fantasy can be!), but the one thing I struggled a bit with was the probability of River telling his assistant all about the stone he'd created. The explanation of him being excited was okay, but it just seems like this is such a serious thing. I mean, there are people out to kill the guy because of it. As such, it seems a bit unrealistic that he would've just gone and told his assistant, regardless of how excited he was. We just need a bit more explanation here, I think. Even just making it so that this assistant of his is discussed to be someone he's worked with for years and years, trusts with all his heart e.t.c. only for the guy to betray River. It'll make it more understandable why he revealed what he was doing with the ruby, plus tug at the heart strings a little in the process!
This last critique is a bit of a take with a pinch of salt one, as it's dependant on a few things. Would this story come before or after Ruby of Revenge? If it's a prequel, I think you need to be more open and clear about this world. Even if it's a sequel, there are some things you could do with adding more detail onto. If this is the former (prequel), readers won't have any idea about this fantasy world, and so we'll be clueless about what kind of era this is set in, how the world works, the role of stone makers e.t.c. As such, methinks you need to set the scene a bit more. On the other hand, if it's actually a sequel, this isn't so vital as the world will have been introduced in Rub of Revenge. Nonetheless, even with Ruby of Revenge coming before this, there are some things that could do with elaborating, such as the stone makers. Are they a vital part of society? Do people like them? What are their roles in this world? e.t.c. I guess what I'm basically saying is that I want more detail, I want to feel immersed into this world.
That's all I have for you, anywho. Critiques aside, I love the behind the scenes look this gives on Ruby of Revenge, and it'll be interesting to find out where you take things from this point onwards. As always, you know where to find me if you have any questions or comments regarding this review
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
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