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Young Writers Society


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Fate of the Stone Makers [Part 1]

by Lightsong


Having heard River’s success, Evelyn rode her horse to meet the stone maker. She had heard about his creation, Ruby of Revenge. From the rumors, the stone was said to grant an immeasurable power to its keeper, and why he made it, she didn’t know. But she did know many people would compete with each other to get their hands on it. More reason it shouldn’t be created. As a fellow stone maker, she should advise him about it.

River’s house was but a small cottage, a representation of all-brown that would bore the eyes of those who wanted to be impressed. Evelyn didn’t mind; at the very least, he knew not to be an attraction, although his latest creation proved his effort to be futile. Why he kept his activity behind her, she didn’t know. Standing in front of his wooden door, she knocked it thrice, calling his name out loud twice with her husky voice.

The door cracked open by a man in his early thirty with pale face and a hair as red as fire. He smiled and opened it wider, allowing Evelyn to enter the house. She did without any word, and as the door was closed behind her, she turned around to face him, her arms folded, her stare made sharper with her frown. She intended to have her disapproval as apparent as possible so that he would know the matter she was going to discuss with him at that instant.

‘It’s about the Ruby of Revenge, isn’ it?’ he said quietly, walking to a bunch of wooden chairs at the middle of the living room, and taking a seat on it. He gestured at her to do the same, the smile on his face faded into a sad one.

She took a seat and leaned to him slightly. ‘Yes, it is,’ she said with equal quietness, ‘and I wonder why you haven’t talked about it with me.’

He took a deep sigh and leaned back. ‘I know you would disapprove. The stone can easily be retrieved by the wrong hand.’ He paused. ‘However, I created it for a reason advantageous only to me.’

Her eyes widened. ‘Why do you need it for?’

He took time to reply. His tendency to create tension—as well as as savoring it—annoyed her sometimes. ‘To save Lily. The king’s men took her.’

That sure made her jaw drop. Lily was River’s lover, and they both kept their relationship as a secret. Stone makers had many enemies in general, as they naturally took no one’s side, and therefore was not convenient to those who wanted to use their skills. Lily and River knew this, and despite the former’s objection, he intended to keep their relationship hidden. She was safer that way—who knew if his enemies would use her to threat him—but that meant in people’s view, she was not taken yet.

‘Her beauty has prevailed, to her misery, it seems,’ she said finally.

‘It is true. I know I can’t face them with sheer physical strength, so I’m going to resort to magical power.’

‘And how does this magical power be known by others?’

‘My foolish assistant couldn’t keep his mouth shut and spread the success. It might as well be my fault too, as I was excited enough to tell him about it when I was well doing it alone.’

‘When are you going to deal with the king and his men?’

‘Tomorrow.’

Complete insanity, Evelyn thought after hearing the firm word. Even if the stone was as powerful as the rumors made it out to be, River was one person while the king had a troop of elite soldiers acting as his bodyguards. Not to mention that the king wasn’t all poor in knowledge of the stone. It was risky, and River would most likely lose in that confrontation. His death was likely as well.

Knowing this, Evelyn knew she had to help him somehow. Arguing about the incredulity of this plan wouldn’t work; he had proved in several occasions how he would save someone—or something—with all his might, even if that included sacrificing himself. Who knew? Maybe two stone makers would make the fight more even. Maybe she could gather more.

‘I would help you,’ she said. She had seen River as her brother she knew she couldn’t lose. She refused to have a second thought about this. The stone makers were all she had; they, to her, were family. A thought came to her mind. ‘I would try to ask for help from the other five.’

River smiled. ‘I was hoping for you to say that, although there was a part of me that didn’t want you to get involved. Dealing with the king is a dangerous act.’

Out of the other five, only two were willing to help her. Desmond and Selena were always the ones who she could rely on; after River, those two were the stone makers she was close with. The other two, Parrish and Chris were respectively scared and indifferent. She didn’t know why Master passed down his knowledge to the two of them when they were clearly had no intent to help the others. Evelyn sighed. Then again, they changed after Master died.

Wearing a brown tunic that showed his broad shoulder, Desmond wore his armband. At the center of it was a small diamond, the source of his power. His twin sister Selena tied her blond hair into a ponytail and wore a ring etched with sapphire, her primary stone. Each stone maker blended their main stones in their accessories. Those stones gave them specific abilities after they stored their magical energy to them slowly over time.

River wore a necklace with a small ruby. He liked to put it behind his tunic as it would be hidden from others’ view, which would sometimes give him the pleasure of not being recognized as a stone maker. However, his—and the others’—ability gained more acknowledgment, and thus increased his reputation. Evelyn knew it well—she wore a pair of emerald earrings, after all, attracting women’s attentions due to their unusual shine.

‘Been a long time since I got into troubles,’ Desmond said, his voice leaking with enthusiasm, He grinned at Evelyn, then her sister.

Adjusting her hydrangea attire that hugged her curvaceous body, Selena shrugged. ‘Remember we’re doing this for River, brother. I hope we’re still alive at the end of this.’


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Sat Mar 26, 2016 2:38 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



ohhithere.

I'm disappearing for a week tomorrow, so wanted to get to this now to avoid making you wait ages. Either that, or my cheese brain would end up forgetting about this entirely after that week.

The door was cracked open by a man in his early thirties with pale face and a hair as red as fire.


Knowing this, Evelyn knew she had to help him somehow.

The repetition of know(ing) isn't really needed, it's just redundant. Either cut out Knowing this or knew she.

‘I would help you,’ she said. She had seen River as her brother she knew she couldn’t lose. She refused to have a second thought about this. The stone makers were all she had; they, to her, were family. A thought came to her mind. ‘I would try to ask for help from the other five.’

River smiled. ‘I was hoping for you to say that, although there was a part of me that didn’t want you to get involved. Dealing with the king is a dangerous act.’

Even though the story is in past tense, the dialogue should be present. You slipped up with that here!

Selena shrugged. ‘Remember we’re doing this for River, brother. I hope we’re still alive at the end of it.’

It sounds a lot better than this here.

You've got yourself a nice bit of writing here, I must say. I'm super curious to see how this fits in with the other short (though some connections are obvious, of course). You haven't posted the whole of Ruby of Revenge, right? Unless this short will overlap with that... Hmmmm. This makes me ever more curious. It's awesome that we're getting more background into the stone, and it'll be interesting to find out if Destiny's path will cross with Evelyn and co's. Some of the imagery you have here is lovely, and generally speaking, your pace and flow is good. I did spot some phrasing issues and what not, but I pointed all those out to you, and they were hardly detrimental. It'd be interesting to know if this is a prequel or a sequel (if either) to Ruby of Revenge, so yus, all very intriguing!

I'll start my critiques with something minor that can be fixed with ease. The transition from the first scene to the second is awkward. One moment, Evelyn is speaking to River in his place, and the next everyone has met up and are about to set off on their quest. Probably partly due to the fact I'm a confused mess, it took me a while to realise the setting had actually changed. Nonetheless, I think it's at least a little awkward, regardless of my confusableness (100% a word ok, sh). Even just throwing in a scene divided (i.e. a * between the two scenes) would go down a charm. Some people don't like using those, though, so if that is the case with you, try making the narrative smoother in the transition.

In terms of plot and realism, generally, you're great to go. Everything was believable and realistic (well, as realistic as fantasy can be!), but the one thing I struggled a bit with was the probability of River telling his assistant all about the stone he'd created. The explanation of him being excited was okay, but it just seems like this is such a serious thing. I mean, there are people out to kill the guy because of it. As such, it seems a bit unrealistic that he would've just gone and told his assistant, regardless of how excited he was. We just need a bit more explanation here, I think. Even just making it so that this assistant of his is discussed to be someone he's worked with for years and years, trusts with all his heart e.t.c. only for the guy to betray River. It'll make it more understandable why he revealed what he was doing with the ruby, plus tug at the heart strings a little in the process!

This last critique is a bit of a take with a pinch of salt one, as it's dependant on a few things. Would this story come before or after Ruby of Revenge? If it's a prequel, I think you need to be more open and clear about this world. Even if it's a sequel, there are some things you could do with adding more detail onto. If this is the former (prequel), readers won't have any idea about this fantasy world, and so we'll be clueless about what kind of era this is set in, how the world works, the role of stone makers e.t.c. As such, methinks you need to set the scene a bit more. On the other hand, if it's actually a sequel, this isn't so vital as the world will have been introduced in Rub of Revenge. Nonetheless, even with Ruby of Revenge coming before this, there are some things that could do with elaborating, such as the stone makers. Are they a vital part of society? Do people like them? What are their roles in this world? e.t.c. I guess what I'm basically saying is that I want more detail, I want to feel immersed into this world.

That's all I have for you, anywho. Critiques aside, I love the behind the scenes look this gives on Ruby of Revenge, and it'll be interesting to find out where you take things from this point onwards. As always, you know where to find me if you have any questions or comments regarding this review :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:57 am
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Caesar wrote a review...



hi,

The concept is solid, I'm always a fan of high fantasy.

I think you had difficulties sustaining the magniloquent tone this is written in. It borders on parodic at times.

River’s house was but a small cottage, a representation of all-brown that would bore the eyes of those who wanted to be impressed.


This strikes me as a few too many words to say that it was a plain brown cottage. It doesn't even offer any real description, it just says the cottage is boring, which could mean it looks many ways. You have essentially accomplished nothing with that paragraph, save confusing me.

Meanwhile, sentences like that contrast sharply with such mundane words as these:

walking to a bunch of wooden chairs at the middle of the living room


That sure made her jaw drop.


If you're going to go deep on the high-fantasy tone, coherence is of the utmost importance. A relatively innocuous syntagm like 'bunch of chairs' destroyed the mood completely for me.


But I feel the more serious problem the style you tried to write in poses is one with characterization. The story you're telling is happening here and now. The main character's friend is in danger. He has crafted an item of great power to deal with it. This is all dramatic stuff. But the way it's presented appears to me as a fable, something far off. Not once do I get a spark of emotion from Evelyn.

Even if she's a calm and collected person by nature, which she does appear to be, a little more zeal wouldn't have hurt at times.

She had seen River as her brother she knew she couldn’t lose. She refused to have a second thought about this. The stone makers were all she had; they, to her, were family.


This is a powerful emotion to strike someone. But outside, she's perfectly calm. She states she'll help in the most calculating manner possible. The same goes for Riven, actually.

‘I was hoping for you to say that, although there was a part of me that didn’t want you to get involved.


Humans don't express concern that calmly. Unless these people turn out to be immortal walkers of the universe or something as alien as that, I feel I'm justified in calling out their composure.

His tendency to create tension—as well as as savoring it—annoyed her sometimes.


You've fallen into the trap of showing, is what I'm saying, essentially.

Try adding inflection to their tone. You could try describing their body language, which always betrays what a person is thinking. There are many things you could do. I invite you to try them. The high fantasy tone wouldn't necessarily be compromised. Even just keeping in a word like thrice is a nod to ancient times, for one. It takes a lot of skill to go this deep and still make it feel human, I don't think you're quite there yet.

The transition to the second part was awkward. The subject change wasn't done poorly, but there's no mention of a setting change, which, again, makes the story you're telling feel distant. There's a lot of things you need to work on, but I think the end result could be good.

Hope this helped, ping me when you post the next one.




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Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:08 am
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TheLittlePrince wrote a review...



Hey there! Ithaca here to review your amazing work. I've not reviewed in a long time, do pardon my poor reviewing skills.
First of all, I'd like to compliment you on your flow; it's remarkable. Reading this work leaves no doubt in my mind that you are one of the best writers on YWS. The story is gripping and keeps you guessing, and the text is richly layered in your unique style. That said, I found a couple of errors in it that you can quickly rectify.

"The door cracked open by a man in his early thirty with pale face and a hair as red as fire. He smiled and opened it wider, allowing Evelyn to enter the house. She did without any word, and as the door was closed behind her, she turned around to face him, her arms folded, her stare made sharper with her frown."

As you can see here, there should be an "a" before "pale face" there shouldn't be one before "hair".
This becomes
"The door cracked open by a man in his early thirties with a pale face and hair as red as fire. He smiled and opened it wider, allowing Evelyn to enter the house. She did so without any word, and as the door was closed behind her, she turned around to face him, her arms folded, her stare made sharper with her frown."

Also, I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs that can be easily replaced with a verb. For example, "said quietly" can become "murmured."
In the paragraph,
"‘It’s about the Ruby of Revenge, isn’ it?’ he said quietly, walking to a bunch of wooden chairs at the middle of the living room, and taking a seat on it. He gestured at her to do the same, the smile on his face faded into a sad one."

This should be like,
"‘It’s about the Ruby of Revenge, isn’ it?’ he said quietly, walking to a bunch of wooden chairs in the middle of the living room, and taking a seat. He gestured to her to do the same, the smile on his face faded into a sad one."

You've also repeated the word "as" in this paragraph:
He took time to reply. His tendency to create tension—as well as as savoring it—annoyed her sometimes. ‘To save Lily. The king’s men took her.’
Consider cutting the second "as."
You should also have a look at this paragraph:
Knowing this, Evelyn knew she had to help him somehow. Arguing about the incredulity of this plan wouldn’t work; he had proved in several occasions how he would save someone—or something—with all his might, even if that included sacrificing himself. Who knew? Maybe two stone makers would make the fight more even. Maybe she could gather more.
Consider replacing "in" with "on."
Also, you don't mention much about the King or the incident. While you go into great detail describing certain things, others are left untouched. Although, I suspect that's part of the plot.
Other than that, there are no grammatical mistakes. The plot comes close to perfect; I have no words for your beautiful writing style. Here, I'd also like to compliment you on your choice of names; they're exceptional.
Overall, this is an amazing work. I look forward to it's next installment and other works of yours.





As a former (and rather excellent) liar herself, Aru knew that, sometimes, speaking the truth felt like wrenching a thorn out of your side. But doing the opposite meant pretending it wasn't there. And that made every single step ache. It was no way to live.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality